I have a question that probably another guy has asked before, so excuse me if I’m asking what is probably an old question.
I just can’t find a straight and clear answer to it.
If you can tell me, why don’t single women–who want a man in their lives–look or glance over to men, like we do to them?
Grocery store, eating at a restaurant, walking down the sidewalk… we look or give a glance over, yet women don’t do anything.
Our typical thing is to look back at the woman we just passed, yet they won’t do this.
Hiya back, Tyler,
I know you sent me this question a while ago, but I’ve put off answering it because, for all its simplicity, it’s a surprisingly difficult question 🙂
I could give you a pat men-and-women-are-different answer to this and be done with it. But what fun is that?
You have observed something that is, in many cases, true. Women don’t often look at men the way men look at women. Why is this? Here are a few things to consider:
- Women do look at men, but they’re far less obvious. It’s important to mention that women do look at men. They look at their faces, their bodies, their clothes, their shoes, their hair, their crotches, and their butts. Believe me, they look, and often, and in great detail. I look at men ALL THE TIME. So for all those people who go on about how “visual” men are, keep that in mind. BUT, I’ve seen some interesting research that suggests that women are far less obvious about their looking. They’re more subtle in their ogling, stealing a small glance here or a quick look there, especially if they can away with it without being caught.
- Women don’t look because they’re taken. Another reason women don’t look at you in public is that they’re partnered. I know you asked about single women looking to find someone, but a woman can be taken even if she has no ring on her left hand. Partnered women still look, but they have no reason to look right at men, because looking right at men can be all it takes to get a man to approach you.
- They’re uninterested. An important thing to remember is that there’s a difference between looking and making eye contact. Everyone (male or female, married or single) looks; but eye contact can be a powerful sign of interest. This is what you’re really asking, Tyler – why women don’t make more eye contact and give you the signal of potential interest. If women don’t look, they’re either not interested, or preoccupied with everyday life (e.g. when they’re shopping for groceries).
- They’re shy/self-conscious. Some women have a difficult time making eye contact with men because they’re shy or feel that it’s too bold or obvious. Bold or outgoing women get more dates. I was one of these women, and it made meeting men in public very difficult.
- They’re less bold. When it comes to eye contact and approach, men are often bolder than women. Men will look right at women or come up and talk to them. Women won’t do this nearly as often. Whether this sex difference is innate or taught is a separate (and complicated) topic. In many cases, women are just too embarrassed to look in an obvious way, especially by looking back at a guy they already passed on the street. They know instinctively that it can start something with the guy, and they may not feel comfortable doing that because it’s so bold. Men don’t realize it, but there’s still a powerful belief that men should be the bold ones and that making the first move (even with her eyes) is too forward. I’ve heard dating experts – male and female – say this.
- They aren’t comfortable looking. Related to the women-look-but-they’re-less-obvious thing, women may not look at men because they don’t want to stare. Many women know what it’s like to be ogled and stared at – it can be really unpleasant depending on the guy and the circumstances – so they may make a concerted effort to not make men feel the same way.
- They’re clueless. Women who are good flirters or savvy with men know that, in many cases, making strong eye contact and smiling at a man is enough to get him to come talk to you. It’s an invitation. But many women aren’t good flirters. I wasn’t most of the time.
- They’re waiting for the right situation. As I discuss in Changing Your Game, grocery stores, eating in restaurants, and walking on the street are difficult places to meet women because they aren’t social environments. In public, women are focused on the task at hand and on maintaining their safety. They don’t know if a guy on the street is married, dangerous, or weird. Public environments have more randomness and unpredictability, so women may save their efforts for venues where they feel more comfortable.
Women, tell us: how often do you look at men? When you do, do you let them see you do it? And if not, why not?