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Dear Christie,

I just finished reading “It’s Not Him, It’s YOU” and I learned a lot. Thanks! But I have a question that I can’t seem to get a straight answer on from people. I met this guy online and we had a really good first date. So, the next day I texted him to say thanks and that I had a great time. That’s all I said, nothing else. He didn’t respond and I never heard from him again. I don’t get it! Should I have not texted him? Did I scare him away? Are good manners just not necessary anymore?



Dear Karly,

First of all, thanks for reading the book and I’m glad you found it helpful. Yes, the after-date text question! Should you or shouldn’t you? This topic has come up before, and it is amazing how heated a debate can get over a two-line text message! Some experts will tell you to never send an after-date text to a man because it telegraphs too much interest and because men “want a chase.” Then, some women (and men!) hotly contest this advice – women naturally feel like it’s the polite thing to do, and men (naturally) want to feel appreciated for taking a woman out. What’s wrong with showing appreciation, they ask??

Nothing! In fact, if you don’t show appreciation to a man when he takes you out, you probably won’t get a second date. However, the best way to show appreciation (and make a man feel great) is do so during the date. Comment on how much you like the restaurant/food/picnic. Thank him if he pays for your lunch/dinner/coffee. Thank him at the end of the date. That is all the thanks he needs. Anything beyond that is overkill. The thing is, too much gratitude makes the giver uncomfortable. If a guy gets uncomfortable, you won’t hear from him.

Women who were brought up in the South, or just brought up to be polite, were taught to give thank-you gifts or notes. Some of these women learned the hard way that while that works great with women, friends, and even job interviews, it backfires with men. Men don’t know how to respond to “thank you” notes or flowers and it makes them uncomfortable. A thank-you text is the 21st century equivalent to a thank-you note.  You may simply want to show appreciation, but it comes off as overly interested or even like you’re chasing him or saying “I like you and hope you feel the same.” Remember: when you’re just getting to know a guy, less is more.

My colleague Rachel Greenwald interviewed 1000 men for her latest book, “Have Him at Hello.” This book talks about why men don’t call after a date or two. There were a number of men who admitted that the thank-you text made them uncomfortable. A thank-you text may not scare off all guys, but why take a chance?

Yes, Karly, it’s possible the thank-you text influenced your date’s decision to not call you. But it’s also possible that you just weren’t his type, and that happens. Online dating means going on many first dates that go nowhere. Keep trying, thank a guy during the date only, and you’ll eventually meet one who’s right for you!