Dear Christie,
I just finished reading “It’s Not Him, It’s YOU” and I learned a lot. Thanks! But I have a question that I can’t seem to get a straight answer on from people. I met this guy online and we had a really good first date. So, the next day I texted him to say thanks and that I had a great time. That’s all I said, nothing else. He didn’t respond and I never heard from him again. I don’t get it! Should I have not texted him? Did I scare him away? Are good manners just not necessary anymore?
Thanks,
Karly
Dear Karly,
First of all, thanks for reading the book and I’m glad you found it helpful. Yes, the after-date text question! Should you or shouldn’t you? This topic has come up before, and it is amazing how heated a debate can get over a two-line text message! Some experts will tell you to never send an after-date text to a man because it telegraphs too much interest and because men “want a chase.” Then, some women (and men!) hotly contest this advice – women naturally feel like it’s the polite thing to do, and men (naturally) want to feel appreciated for taking a woman out. What’s wrong with showing appreciation, they ask??
Nothing! In fact, if you don’t show appreciation to a man when he takes you out, you probably won’t get a second date. However, the best way to show appreciation (and make a man feel great) is do so during the date. Comment on how much you like the restaurant/food/picnic. Thank him if he pays for your lunch/dinner/coffee. Thank him at the end of the date. That is all the thanks he needs. Anything beyond that is overkill. The thing is, too much gratitude makes the giver uncomfortable. If a guy gets uncomfortable, you won’t hear from him.
Women who were brought up in the South, or just brought up to be polite, were taught to give thank-you gifts or notes. Some of these women learned the hard way that while that works great with women, friends, and even job interviews, it backfires with men. Men don’t know how to respond to “thank you” notes or flowers and it makes them uncomfortable. A thank-you text is the 21st century equivalent to a thank-you note. You may simply want to show appreciation, but it comes off as overly interested or even like you’re chasing him or saying “I like you and hope you feel the same.” Remember: when you’re just getting to know a guy, less is more.
My colleague Rachel Greenwald interviewed 1000 men for her latest book, “Have Him at Hello.” This book talks about why men don’t call after a date or two. There were a number of men who admitted that the thank-you text made them uncomfortable. A thank-you text may not scare off all guys, but why take a chance?
Yes, Karly, it’s possible the thank-you text influenced your date’s decision to not call you. But it’s also possible that you just weren’t his type, and that happens. Online dating means going on many first dates that go nowhere. Keep trying, thank a guy during the date only, and you’ll eventually meet one who’s right for you!
Sincerely,
Christie
Well, I for one think that a thank you text after a date (or even a phone call) is great. Maybe I’m in the minority on that.
My question for you Christie, is why do women show interest on a first date and then blow a guy off when he calls for a second date? Maybe you could write about this. As a man unwillingly thrust back into the dating world, clearly there’s a lot I need to learn.
Thanks,
Jeff
Sorry for the delay in my response, Jeff – all my reader comments disappeared into my spam folder and I discovered them today. Anyway, to answer you: if a woman blows you off for a 2nd date, she isn’t interested. If she seems interested on the first date, she was probably enjoying your company but that’s it. To some extent this will happen and is part of dating. But with time you’ll get more skilled at recognizing signs of genuine interest and follow up with those girls.
This all depends on how into the girl the guy is. I had a girl send the “I had fun tonight!” text afterwards and it was great to get it.
Agreed, Mike. You wouldn’t believe how much debate this tiny issue creates. She’s basically telegraphing lots of interest. If he likes her, the text will fly. If not, it won’t. I suppose I argue on the side of being cautious, as long as she’s shows her gratitude and interest on the date.
I think you’re right Christie. Avoid the thank you text. Guys who need a thank you text are insecure, and those who don’t probably won’t care that much either way, so why risk seeming needy. I am not saying the text is needy, but why risk seeming that way.
Guys stop being so needy. You’ll be happier. Uncertainty is hard, but getting comfortable with it will improve your life and your chances in relationships.
Having been out with many women on first dates, I think the woman should definitely send a thank-you text if she enjoyed the date and is interested in the man. A thank-you text gives me a lift and increases my interest in the woman. We men often struggle with trying to assess the woman’s interest level. A high level means we would pursue her more. So why be secretive about romantic interest?
Well this is just the site I need to help give me advice!!! I HATE dating but I have put myself out there after many disastrous dates I went out with a guy last night and we got on but I was really left wondering “is he even interested”. He text after the date to say he had a nice time and I replied and we had a couple of texts today but no mention of a second date and the last text from him was definitely like a “friend” text so think that’s it – guess I am just bad at reading the signs!!!!
I take it as a big red flag if i don’t get a “thank you” text after a date. I have found consistently that chasing leads to being with someone emotionally unavailable. Games are for kids. Not texting thank you means either they aren’t that into you or entitled. And either way isn’t a good thing. If you had a nice time with someone text them that. Why is this so controversial?