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Dear Christie,

I am writing you this letter after reading Changing Your Game, because I am in need of some serious advice in regards to this woman that I really like. About three months ago, I met a woman and we have been talking and hanging out quite frequently during this time. She is someone that I am serious about and would consider potentially marrying if we were to begin dating, because I see that her values, beliefs, and some of her other traits are in line with what I am looking for in a wife. However, I realized that I messed up in a couple of ways.

On my first date with this girl, I had the opportunity to kiss her at the end of the date but didn’t due to the fact that I knew that she was a little buzzed and wasn’t using her sound judgment. Over the past month, I’ve also made the mistake of expressing my feelings for her verbally a couple of times. This has resulted in her rejecting me as her boyfriend. However, she has said that, “I would appreciate it if we could continue hanging out as we have been while remaining good friends, because a person never knows if they will grow feelings for someone later on.” She also has stated to me that in all of her previous relationships that she had gotten to know her previous boyfriends for about six months before dating them.

Therefore, I am unsure of what I should do at this point and would really appreciate it if you would give me whatever help/advice on what I should do in order to see that this relationship with this woman progresses into something more than just friends.

Sincerely,

GL

 

Hi GL,

Thanks for writing in, G. You have a challenge here that I see often, in both women and men. And that problem is: someone I really like has banished me to the Friend Zone, and I don’t want to be there. As you already know, G, you’ve been Friend-Zoned.

Before I get to your question, let’s look at a couple of things. First, I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about not kissing her on the first date. It’s not unheard of to wait a bit longer to make that move, and as you say, it’s better to err on the side of caution when a woman has been drinking. Did you try to kiss her on the next date? That would have been a good move.

Second, it would be interesting to know how you expressed your feelings for her, and why you think that resulted in her rejecting you. Unless you were too heavy-handed in what you said, I don’t see how that would push her away IF she were interested in dating you. When you’re interested, you have to make your move and show her you are looking for more than friendship.

I’m also curious as to what has gone on between you during this month or so you’ve been hanging out with this woman. Did you ever try to kiss her? How did she respond?

Based on what you’ve written, it sounds like she isn’t interested in dating you. If she’s actually hung out with you as a friend, it means she likes you but feels no physical attraction to you.

So, to broach your ultimate question, do you have a chance with her? Right now you don’t, but if you want to increase the odds of landing her later, especially if she’s a slow mover, here are a few things to try:

1. Accept reality and let go of your expectations. This isn’t giving up, it’s mentally adjusting to the situation so you don’t set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Sometimes, just letting go can get results.

2. Stop pursuing her. Back off and don’t try to date her for now. This can change the dynamic you have with her because she’ll sense it. Once she sees you’ve moved on, she has the space to see if her feelings grow.

3. Stay friends with her. Many people (especially men) will tell you to forget about her and move on to more interested girls. While this is something to consider, it never hurts to remain open to future possibilities with her, especially when she gets to know you better and sees what you have going on. Friend her on Facebook. Grab a drink with her once in a while. Tell her about girls you’re dating. That’s what friends do.

4. See other girls. Seeing other girls can trigger a woman’s interest, and it can also increase the possibility of meeting a woman you really like. Win, win.

5. Read this blog article on staying out of the Friend Zone.

 

Remember, if someone seems perfect for you but doesn’t want to date you, they aren’t perfect for you. The right person will feel the same about you as you do about them. Let her go, stay in touch, and maybe something will happen down the road.

C

 

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