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There isn’t a dating expert in the world who doesn’t have an opinion on when a woman should start having sex with a guy she’s dating. I’ve heard it all, from “as soon as possible so you know if it’s any good,” to the Third Date Rule, to waiting until the relationship is committed (i.e. not dating anyone else). My stance has always been that you should ignore others’ rules and have sex when you feel comfortable and ready to.

You’ll find there are plenty of women, including experts, who wag their fingers at having sex too soon, as if sex is some kind of commodity you “give up” to a guy, rather than something you choose to share. “If you have sex on the first date,” they threaten, “he won’t respect you.” They will often blame you for getting dumped or winding up with a jerk – “See, it’s because you had sex too soon!” This is Bullshit. It’s a fear-based mentality pushed by women who aren’t comfortable with their sexuality and who don’t understand men. NO woman should ever have to be made to feel bad for having sex, even if the sex wasn’t wise.

However, having said all of that, I think it’s best to wait a while before having sex, for an entirely different reason. What is this reason? It is NOT:

  • Because you’ll look slutty (Slutty is sleeping with anyone, not sleeping with someone you like on the first date)
  • Because he’ll lose respect for you (Respect is something you have for yourself, not something others can give you)
  • Because the chase is over and he lost interest (The chase will soon be over anyway if you keep seeing him)
  • Because it’s like eating dessert before dinner (Some people like to do things backwards)

The real reason I recommend slowing it down a bit has less to do with sex and more to do with emotions. Having sex very quickly can force a budding relationship to move faster than many people can handle. People like to think “it’s just sex,” but studies show that sex has a strong effect on our hormones, brains, and emotions. This isn’t just true for women – men are sensitive to this too. Once you’ve had sex, you release hormones that make you more inclined to “bond” with your partner, but the relationship may not be ready yet because you’re still getting to know this person! In other words, rapid physical intimacy can lead to rushing into emotional intimacy. And this is when things go awry.

When a relationship gets intense right away, couples tend to spend way too much time together and share too much too soon. This tends to freak people out, especially men. The more freaked out he feels, the more likely he is to withdraw, disappear, or suddenly claim he isn’t ready for a relationship, when he seemed ready before! As one wise man I know put it, “If you have sex with her right away, you feel pressured to say or act like you love her.”

I’ve seen people who follow this pattern: they’re often passionate romantic types who meet someone with whom they feel strong chemistry, get involved very quickly, start having sex and spending a lot of time together right away, then the relationship blows up after a month or two, often because one person (usually the guy), does a 180 and withdraws.

So if you’ve followed this pattern, like many before you, consider waiting a while to have sex. Back off of spending too much time together or telling your life story right away. Getting involved quickly works for some people, but for most it ends up a disaster.

What do you think? Are you a “jump in right away” kind of person? Has it worked for you?