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Hello Dr. Hartman!

I am new to dating again and have recently joined an online dating site. I’ve been on quite a few first dates without spark, but last week (Monday) had a great date with a guy who I think felt the same way. We chatted all night, closed the restaurant we were in, ended up somewhere else for another drink, etc. He walked me to my car at the end of the night and basically closed with the fact that the next 10 days would be hectic (he’s in law school, moving to a new apartment and started an internship in one week), smooched goodnight and left. He texted me on Tuesday and said he ‘had a great time, alot of fun and laughs. Enjoyed chatting and laughing with you’. I responded the same and that I hoped we could get together again soon. A few days later I texted him good luck with the move and he responded that I was sweet.

I know he mentioned his busy schedule for this past week but that was the last he reached out to me. I am hoping I didn’t come across too interested. Any thoughts?



Dear Confused,

Thank you for writing in. This is a great scenario to examine and dissect a bit, because it happens ALL the time. As I read your email, I was reminded of the scene in the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You,” where Ginnifer Goodwin’s Single Gal character is being advised by Justin Long’s character. She’s on a date with a guy and things are going really well, and then her date says he’s going to be out of touch for a bit because he’s leaving town. Suspicious, she calls her male adviser, who responds that she should get rid of him, because where the hell is he going where there’s no phone service? The African jungle?

His point: if a man wants to talk, he will find a way.

It sounds like your date went well and that he enjoyed your company, but for some reason he decided he wasn’t interested in a second date. In Changing Your Game (my book for guys), I talk about Woman Speak – i.e. when a guy asks a woman out and she says she’s kind of seeing someone, or really busy right now, or going to be out of town… those are all Woman Speak for “Thanks but no thanks.” Likewise, men have Man Speak. The “I’m going to be out of touch” speech is Man Speak version of a rejection. Nobody wants to hurt or offend someone else, so we come up with these code statements to say no in a kind way.

So on to your question about seeming too interested. It’s hard for me to say without seeing you interact with men. However, I generally advise people to keep the first date short, especially with online dating. The longer the date, the greater odds of coming on too strong, saying the wrong thing, or sharing too much too soon, before that person has had a chance to get comfortable with you. Also, next time I wouldn’t text him. You already showed that you were interested in seeing him again; he should be contacting YOU. It’s possible he sensed you wanted more from him that he can offer; in that case, it’s better to keep looking for someone who wants what you do.

The good news is you had a fun date (not bad for a first online date), and you learned more about men. Dating is an adventure, after all, so make any adjustments and keep trying. If you want to learn more about signs that a man’s interested in you, pick up It’s Not Him, It’s YOU. Best of luck!

Readers: what do you think? Comment away….