When the topic of dating separated and divorced men comes up, one of the questions I get most often is, “How much contact should he be having with his ex?” In other words, if a man is divorced (or going through a divorce), how much visiting/talking/texting/helping the ex-wife is expected for the sake of good relations, and how much is too much?
This is an important question, because the nature and frequency of contact with his ex can tell you a LOT about whether or not he’s a good choice for you. As I discuss in Dating the Divorced Man, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Where is He in the Divorce Process?
A man who’s in the early stages of a divorce will likely have more contact with his ex-wife than a man who’s already divorced. They need to deal with the legalities of the divorce, figure out their living and financial situations, separate their belongings, etc. If a couple has children, they will need to talk more in order to coordinate their parenting responsibilities, even after a divorce is finalized. However, contact should die down once the divorce is moving forward and certainly once it finalizes.
How often is the Contact?
One thing to look at is how often a man is in contact with his ex-wife. Monthly? Weekly? Daily? Numerous times per day? Early in the divorce process and during any crises with the kids, a man may need to talk with his ex-wife often to deal with these issues. During separation, he may be called upon to fix a broken toilet, pay a bill, or deal with other household issues until he and his ex-wife agree on how to handle such things now that they aren’t together anymore. However, daily or near-daily contact should be the exception, not the rule.
What’s the Nature of the Contact?
This is the most important question. Contact to discuss business such as any divorce logistics, splitting of property, or money is unavoidable during a divorce. Contact to coordinate parenting time, school, or other kid stuff is necessary. These things can be done over phone, text, or email.
Contact of a personal nature is a different story. While it’s always helpful to keep up positive relations with the ex, a man who’s separated or divorced should not be having regular chats with the ex beyond the occasional happy birthday email or rare lunch. For example, I had a client whose divorced boyfriend sent his ex-wife a Happy Valentine’s Day text. Valentine’s Day is romantic, and such contact with the ex is inappropriate when he’s involved with someone new.
Likewise, a divorcing/divorced man should not have to serve as plumber, gardener, or IT guy to his ex-wife anymore. That’s what husbands do, not ex-husbands, and no woman wants to feel like her boyfriend is still taking care of another woman. Some of that is normal in the early stages of divorce – it may be cheaper for him to just fix it than to pay for someone else to – but not after that.
Another example is when a divorced man spends holidays at his ex-wife’s home. This is common when a man has kids. Again, the single guy can get away with this. But no woman wants to date a guy who spends important holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with his ex-wife.
Generally speaking, when a man has too much contact with his ex, a lot of personal contact with her, or plays Mr. Fix-it with an ex, it’s a sign he hasn’t yet let go of his marriage. This is common in men who were married a long time (20 years+) or who have difficulty with change. Most don’t want to be with their exes anymore, but they don’t want to let go of what’s familiar and comfortable, so they become “Divorced Husbands” – i.e. men who aren’t living with or sleeping with their ex-wives, but are still playing the husband role in many ways.
I’ve yet to meet a woman who likes dating a Divorced Husband. With these men, it’s best to end things, let him cut the cord when he’s ready, and then revisit things 6-12 months down the road.
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Thank you for this article! I have been struggling with this question a lot. My boyfriend’s divorce was just recently finalized and she will still call him daily, always “for the daughter”, but the nature of the call is really to to confirm and reconfirm things they already discussed. When he tried to set a boundary, she goes nuts. It is driving me nuts! Holidays are the worst; the daughter, age 11, still wants him there and she thinks is ok too and so if I don’t agree, I look like the bad guy. Oh, I haven’t met the daughter yet so I would not be invited. Dating someone in this situation is frustrating for sure!
The woman wants her men back. He is with you
Another Broken family / home for the Children.
You should back off. So they can work things out.
God doesnt want people to divorce he wants to make everything new.
People should let Him.
Woman you do understand that for God they are still married.
And your the one who is in between ?
You think about yourself not the child or the woman
Well….there is no need to fight for a battle that is already over. Sometimes people love themselves, sometimes they don’t. You need to forgive and continue your own life. Maybe they tried to work it out and it didn’t work. You can’t judge, you don’t know their situation. Neither do I. But I know mine, and I know that they were done way before he met me and that there is nothing to do.
And you know, for some people, God doesn’t exist. You only have one life to live, and if you have kids, you need to teach them that no matter what happens, you can be happy in your life.
She is not in between. She is with him, it’s their decision. You have to respect that. The woman is an adult and she is probably 50% responsible for that divorce. She will survive, redo her life, and probably be more happier! The kid will be fine is parents can get along well. Maybe something happened in your life that makes you that angry and I hope that time will heal your pain.
100% agree Isabelle. You’re so right. I can relate
I agree that if a marriage has ended or is ending and a new woman is invited in, she is not coming between a marriage that has already been ended/decide to end.
I was raised Christian, grandfather a minister, so I understand well the teachings and faith.
But, when 2 people have decided their relationship is over that’s on them NOT the new partner.
The new partner has every reason to expect the priority going forward. And the former spouse should respect the new partner and be reasonable in communicating with the co-parent.
And excuse to stay in constant contact is just that, an excuse!
And that from what I was raised to believe is living a lie. Dishonesty.
People who divorce should behave as respectable, single people even as
Co-parents!
Let’s be honest….so we
Really need to speak to a co-parent every single day??
Isn’t that a sort of codependency??
Harassing?
So a divorced person chooses to divorce but also wants as much or more contact with the ex spouse as they did within the marriage???
That’s odd.
The new partner is a human being too! Fell in love…
God is love! He considers it the greatest of all gifts…
We are a little off base if two people cannot seem to love and we demonize the human that can.
If the person is officially divorced than by all means move on but people who get involved with partners that are still married get what they deserve.
A person is still married until the courts say they are divorced.
Well said thank you ..
Where is the LOVE button Maria?! Thank You!!!
I agree! Go Isabelle!!
Someone so godly is sure being judgemental.. one thing God clearly frowns apon.. who are you to judge.
Condemnation is even worse than judgeing.
Maria, that makes no sense whatsoever. The reason the are not together any more is because one or both parties agreed that the relationship was not working. A child will always know if their family is happy or not and you cannot play with emotions by saying one minute I want a relationship with you and the next choosing to split up. There needs to be boundaries and structure here for all parties included, esepcially the child. If she backs off do you think that they will get back together? would you rather being in a miserable relationship than actually finding the person you are ment to be with? everyone deserves to be happy and who are you to judge someone?
My boyfriend is constantly with his ex-wife they been divorced for about 10 years, she cheated on him she remarried, became a widow
and he runs errands for her. His kids are grown adults. She is constantly texting each other
They go out with friends together always doing things for het going to her house watching the dogs. He said there is nothing going on she calls at all times when I am Sith him. I spent weekends with him only spent holidays together he takes het and his grown kids to dinner. I don’t know but is not healthy
Thhhhhhaannkkk you!!
Well God may want me to get back with my ex husband. We have been divorced 14 years and he keeps calling, talking and begging me to come back for 14yrs!. And he is married with two kids! he says I am the best wife. Every relationship I have had with a man since has gone South because my ex husband is still in my head and I cannot seem to move on. I keep meeting unavailable male types. And my biological clock has nearly ran down and I love kids. I don’t know what to do. I do not want my ex husband with two strange kids to take care of. I he were by himself it would be different. I do not have kids and I would have to take on foreign children.
Tracy-
I know you may be feeling torn, but you have to remember that he is MARRIED now. As a woman of God, you know that’s a no-no. You don’t want to be a mistress(which is what I think he’s setting you up for, esp. if he’s complaining about her now. He hasn’t left her, so it can’t be all “that bad” and that’s a big, red flag! Maybe he likes the idea of having you both? Don’t allow that.)or someone who breaks up a marriage/family, it’s wrong. I know that you were married to him once and I don’t know the details of who left who or why, but it’s over now and he’s re-married. He may think(or just saying that to get you to trust him or feel sorry for him.) you were the “better” wife(and that may even be true that he feels this way looking back, esp. if things aren’t so rosy with the new wife), but it’s too late. He should’ve stayed with you(or if it was YOU that left, then you have to own that decision too). As they say: “The grass is always greener on the other side,” well…until you get on the other side anyway(and then sometimes, not only do you encounter the same problems, but sometimes they’re even WORSE with the second spouse, which could be what he is having happen right now)!
My advice to you? Wait on God for the RIGHT man, not just the first one that comes your way(even if he’s wanting to marry you.). People rely too much on their “clocks” and not on waiting and receiving God’s best for them and then they marry the WRONG person who they don’t really love and only grow to despise(I have a feeling most divorces are caused by marriages like that.)in time. I know that you want kids(and that may still come. Plenty of women are having children later. I know women well into their 30’s or even 40+), but if you have them with the WRONG man, then you’re going to be in for a world of hurt. You’ll be stuck in the very situation that your ex-husband is currently experiencing right now. I’m sure he loves his kids, but he could be thinking about how his kids should’ve been with you and not her. But even as much as he may be thinking about this, he made a choice and he has to live with that choice now. This 2nd wife will always be in his life because they share children together. Hon, you don’t want that kind of baggage do you? And what if he is the wishy-washy type and after so many years with you, he wants to go back to the mother of his kids again? There are also those kind of men that like to go back and forth too. You don’t need that kind of drama!
Honestly, I really don’t think God is telling you to go back to him(remember, God wouldn’t tell you to break up a marriage, that would be adultery), but He COULD be showing the BOTH of you what you missed out on and what you could’ve had if you had stayed together(I believe He can and does that sometimes.). But honestly, I’m telling you this(in love), I think it’s too late. Who knows? If he is widowed/divorced years from now(when his kids are grown)or something,then maybe you have a chance to be together again? I guess sometimes, we have to just live with the decisions we’ve made and accept and let them go.
Another thing to think of here? You need to think back as to WHY you divorced the first time around. Chances are, if you didn’t fix those problems back then they will just return to your re-marriage full force(and now with the added baggage from his 2nd marriage). It just doesn’t seem worth it(at least not right now with his current situation.)to me.
Trust me, most of us(if not all of us) have “missed opportunity” moments in life, but that’s just it. We missed them(I know I have had a few in my lifetime.). We just have accept that fact, wish them well wherever they are, and let them go no matter how painful it may be for us. Love sometimes means having to let go, letting others be happy(even it is with someone else), loving someone who doesn’t love you back(unrequited love), etc. It’s often painful, but as they say: “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” right? Treasure what you had at one time(the good times, I mean)and then let him go. If he’s “unhappy,” then he has to deal with that or move on from her. You don’t want to be the middle of all that.
God has a way of mending the broken heart though, so stay strong and trust Him.
He’s got a plan for your life 🙂
Blessings!
I am not feeling down at all, you have it wrong. He has told me he will leave his wife, he calls my mother, brother, sister in law and sister for year. I am the one who does not want him back. I have refuse him for years. But he keeps coming after me telling me I was the best wife and that he doe not want his new wife as much as he wants me . I have prevented him from leaving her because I refuse to allow him to come over my house and to come back into my life. As much as some women would like to believe its many times the man who is pushing to return NOT ME. He is begging me. If I just say yes , he will leave his wife. Its the fact that I have not said YES I want you back because I have a boyfriend that I want to be with. But its not always the females fault. If I take my husband back I know there are many women who would think I stole him but he never left in the first place, he has been hanging on since the divorce.
I also really believe that the first wife, as I am a woman of God, has priority over all other wives and is always his wife, regardless if we are divorced or not, there will always be a soecial connection. And I have a boyfriend. Its my ex husband who is after me. Its in the Bible that the first wife will aoways be the wife. 2nd and 3rd wives don’t really count if you really want to quote the BIBLE and be a woman of God. I ve been to church and Sunday school all of my life and I know the BIBLE.
And I understand the Scriptures you are using here well. They are meant for those who are married. You don’t have a husband when you are divorced(you don’t. Divorce is the dissolution of marriage. And you know this because otherwise neither one of you would’ve moved on to other people.). That Scripture you gave me is talking about reconciliation for those who are in a separated state and/or contemplating divorce, not the already divorced(and esp. the re-married.)It sounds like you are making excuses now to get him back, which I thought you claim that it’s HIM and not you that wants this, so I’m confused. Technically(and Biblically-speaking)Tracy, you aren’t supposed to remarry a former spouse who has since remarried(that’s mentioned in both the Old and New Testaments). Your ex-husband will have broken covenant TWICE if he leaves his current wife and returns to you. God HATES divorce, but adultery has been committed with re-marriage or any sexual relationship outside of the marriage. This has already happened(at least on your ex-husband’s part.). Let the man go girl and stop even contemplating this(which IS what you are doing, look at what you are posting.)by making excuses as to why it’s ok. Biblically, reconciliation can no longer happen because he REMARRIED(this part, not the divorce, is what made it forbidden)period.
Have you read:
Deuteronomy 24:4
and
Jeremiah 3:1
•the couple may reconcile and marry each other again, but ONLY if they remained SINGLE since the original divorce (1 Corinthians 7:10,11). Your ex husband did not do this Tracy. He remarried, so he is not free for you to remarry(not if you’re following what Scripture says anyway. We’re all free to do as we wish though, that’s what free will is.). There is no reconciliation at that point Tracy, once one of the divorced parties remarries, it negates the first marriage whether you want to accept that or not.
•if either one does marry someone new, it is the equivalent of committing adultery (Luke 16:18, Matthew 5:31,32) and the original couple may never again reconcile (Deuteronomy 24:1-4)
There you have it, any voice/feeling you are hearing to be reconciled to your re-married ex would not be from God.
If you don’t want him back, then fair enough(I had a similar background regarding church/school btw. I’m still learning new things all the time, it isn’t done nor do I know everything just because I go to church which seems to be what you’re implying.), but by your own words above, it sounds very different than what you are now responding with. By what you first said, you sounded conflicted about what to do with this situation. There is nothing TO do with it, unless you want him.). And why all thisl about being the first wife and the only one who counts, etc…(you have a new BF yourself, so you obviously don’t still view yourself as married do you? So why are you saying you are still his wife because you were first and that she doesn’t really “count?”). The fact is, none of it truly matters if you don’t want him If that is the case as you say now(that you don’t want him), then just tell him to leave you alone, move on with his life or you’ll get a restraining order.
Problem solved!
No we (my ex husband and I )have actually have become friends and he has helped me with some legal matters. He still calls my mother and everyone in my family once in awhile too for the past 14yrs.
But he is the one pressing to get back together still and telling me that his wife does not matter. Also , as to the Bible versus, (went to Sunday school and church 8yrs) many many people believe and interpret the versus to mean that the first wife is the only wife recognized by GOD. My ex husband caused our divorce, he wa running around chasing women in his early 20’s and giving me hell.
Amen!!!!
If she “accepts” him back…. then SHE will have caused a divorce. She will have committed adultery. Right is right. And wrong is wrong!!! And her EX is being completely deceitful to HIS WIFE (his one and only wife…. that is the wife that he is NOW MARRIED TO)! She should put herself in HIS WIFE’S position/place! If he would be deceitful to his (current) only WIFE….. then, he will MOST CERTAINLY be DECEITFUL TO HIS NEXT WOMAN…… in the FUTURE. He sounds super messed up in the head. Oh, and, btw, he is “cheating on/being deceitful to his two poor children, as well! HORRIBLE!!!
My partner was legally separated for 2 years when I met him. He was married for 20 years and raised her 2 children from a previous marriage. They were in their late 20s and early 30s when I met him, both living at their mothers and unemployed. 15 years later, nothing has changed. Now the 17 year old grandson lives there and doesn’t attend school or work. She got more than half when they separated. Not my business. What has been my business, is that in the first 10 years, she phoned, emailed or texted anywhere from 5 -40 times a day. She would even call us when we were out of the country on holidays and ask him to come back early to fix her car. Like an idiot, I put up with it. The last 5 years, she calls and makes outrageous requests for time, money and dates with him. I never said a word to her. In October, I had had enough. One inappropriate text too many. I called her and politely asked her to stop. I also informed her, that if she kept it up, I was going to get an order of apprehension for psychiatric evaluation. Thank dog, it’s finally stopped. My partner has been silently supporting my actions but the he should have stepped up to the plate much sooner. He is a wimp and it’s done some irreparable damage to our relationship, which we are working on getting through. No ex wife has the right to disrespect her partners new partner. It is essentially disrespecting him. God has nothing to do with it. One needs to stand up for themselves and speak up.
I don’t think GOD wants you back with your ex husband, I think you want to get back with him but he is proving to you that nothing has changed since you divorced him. And to be frank I don’t think GOD was apart of your marriage with him as you stated, he was chasing woman, and here he is chasing you. This man is not ready for what he signs himself up for.
Stop trying to validate yourself with a man you say you don’t want, it”s pathetic. First wife, I’m the only wife, please!!!!! He wasn’t committed and ready when he married you, and he still isn’t committed and ready while married to the other woman, you might have been a wife “best wife” but you never had a husband. GOD didn’t put you in that marriage immaturity, and bad decisions did.
Did you ever look at this as a learning example, you got the ultimate of commitment you can get from a man and still it didn’t work, hence he is not the one, if you know your worth.
Also I wasn’t trying to be judgmental, I had to live and learn as well. And don’t down play his new marriage to up play your old one, even though they both have issues (him). He may very well leave her, and what is to stop him from thinking Oh my made a mistake and I want her back, he is a confused man leave him be. I was my ex first wife but I was not the one for him, and vice versa I will never down play his new wife if he chooses to remarry. I hope he marries someone with the same outlook and interest as him, as we were trying to put a square in a circle for 15 years (smh)……GOD wasn’t apart of my marriage my immaturity and bad decisions where, along with many other factors.
I was in a 10yr relationship things were going great then found out he still spoke to his ex wife , found out later he was still married while we were living together by doing his taxes and that he had lied about keeping in touch with her which he didn’t see as a problem he explained that they were high school sweethearts . I had a problem with it the past is the past leave it there (no kids either).
Did you get back together? Or are you both now remarried to others?
Are you kidding me? You are still talking to your ex after 14 years? You love listening to him say that you were the better wife. Why don’t you just stop allowing his behavoir to continue like this if you don’t want to be with him? Why don’t you do the other wife a favor and cut all ties with this guy. He’s trying to have his cake and eat if too.
true enough! My husband too is always reconnecting himself with his ex-wife(whom he said they were divorce for 15 years) despite of 3 women live in partner after that divorce and another woman for few months before he married me. those 3 live in women partner was never mention to me just his ex-wife and now they’re calling each other, ex-wife miscall him and he call back when he goes to work they have the same age, I’m younger for 12 years with my husband. Its so frustrating
Tracy, this is terrible! How selfish of you, and especially your ex, to think you can go behind his wife’s back and play her for a fool like that! You both deserve each others for your deceitful acts towards her. Your ex’s wife, with the two kids, totally deserves so much better than this!! I wish I knew who you were, because I’d totally get on the horn and tell your ex’s wife to beware of both of your deceitful asses!
True!
are you for real? OMG. you are nuts, lady.
Who is “nuts” Teresa, Tracy or I?-LOL. I hope you aren’t talking about me because I’ve got my head screwed on pretty straight here, I’m just telling her the truth. I know this situation(whether we bring faith/Bible into it or not)is messed up and not good for her. You don’t have to attend church or read to know this is bad, but since she is using that, I too used that in my response as well.
If you are talking about me then sorry, but I’m trying to get her to WAKE UP! She’s using God, the Bible, etc…so I’m giving her actual Scripture(she’s given me none btw, but to only say that “it says…” but is PARAPHRASING, not quoting anything at all as well as how long she’s been to church without any direct scriptures to support it. Plenty of hard headed people go to church and learn nothing(had many in my own over the years. You just have to shake your head sometimes.), I’ve seen it-lol. Someone once said: “Going to church every Sunday doesn’t make you any more of a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.” That’s true. If you aren’t learning anything, then you aren’t learning anything! I’ve worked in and with leadership before and there are some very stubborn people out there you’d love to hit upside the head with a sock full of coins sometimes because they aren’t “getting it,” but they will still fight any kind of reasonable advice all the way to the end-lol. She’s saying the Bible says the first wife is the only one who counts? If so, WHERE is that located? I’ve NEVER seen this written in there anywhere. It does say He HATES divorce(due to what it does to the couple and family and the breaking of that covenant)and it does say that a man who leaves his wife to marry another commits adultery(but it also says that one is not to return to that first spouse if they remarry, which was her original statement: “I think God wants me to return to my MARRIED ex-husband right? So if she wants to obey God, then she has her answers and there is no reason to be arguing this with people.), but it doesn’t say that He doesn’t count remarriages anywhere(not once that I can find. This is Tracy who thinks it should be this way, but it is not what it actually says).
Not only that, but if she is going to go by the Bible, then why does SHE have a new BF if she still believes they are still married? Wouldn’t she be disobeying God by having a new BF while still married if she truly believes this? My other question is this: Does this new BF know she feels this way, that she is still married to the ex? Does that mean that she has no plans to ever marry the new BF should that become a possibility? Does he know that their relationship is going no where due to her still being married? Honestly as this new guy, I would think she has too many issues and drama for me. Why should he stick around if she is still MARRIED to the ex? Being him, I wouldn’t stick around long. She’s also saying that her ex’s second wife doesn’t count(does the new BF know this too?), but then her new BF is acceptable?-lol. A bit hypocritical to me. Why wouldn’t she just stay completely single and devote her life entirely to God without having any man? Just saying. The way I see it, if she can move on with someone else, then she should also respect his new wife and not discount her or their marriage and stay out of it.
By using Scripture, I was trying to support what I was saying as well as prove her statement of “I think God wants me to go back to my(remarried) ex-husband” is false. This situation and her justification(which is what it is exactly because she’s continuing to argue with others who tell her to leave him be!). The truth is, SHE won’t let it go(regardless of what she says about him being the one pursuing. She IS equally interested(I don’t know, maybe she secretly enjoys being chased!)because otherwise she’d just tell him where to go. How she can justify even being good “friends” with him after all he’s done(and now trying to do again)is beyond me. She thinks he’s so great as a friend, but he can’t be that great of anything(friend included!) if he can tear their marriage up in the first place, then years later after MARRYING AGAIN, saying that he wants to dump his new wife and wants her back(yeah, he sounds like a real winner!-lol.)? Sorry Tracy, but is anyone home upstairs at all? The fact is, you keep contact with him because you WANT to stay in contact with him, plain and simple. You have no children with him or any ties, so it’s not that hard to break away. You can spin this however you want, but that’s the truth. This shouldn’t even be a dilemma for you if you(regardless of what you say he wants)aren’t interested.
And Thank You Mel for backing me up on this. She(Tracy) can do A LOT better than this and she knows it! She needs to wake up and tell him to just stay out of her life. Change her phone number, address, etc…or whatever she has to do IF she really is indeed being pursued by him and not wanting it, this is such an easy fix! Honestly, I think she likes the drama of it all(and yes, I said that!).
Seriously Tracy, you really need look at what you’re saying here. The logic makes absolutely no sense at all. If your ex’s current wife doesn’t “count” as a wife, then your new BF doesn’t count for anything either and is actually helping you to commit adultery against your “husband” as well(if you are going by what you, yourself here are saying.)since you still see yourselves as married and the only one counting. Do you think he would(the new BF) really appreciate being thought of/treated that way because he wasn’t your “husband?” Sorry, but if only first spouses count, then ANYONE after that, wouldn’t “count,” that would include your new BF(who really shouldn’t be there either if you still view yourself as “married.”) Do you see what I am saying? Why is it that you feel his current wife is the one out of place here, but not your BF? In reading this, people will just start to think of you as either a.)very hypocritical or b.)Not all there upstairs.
My question now is: Why does your new beau accept this kind of treatment? Or does he not know you feel this way about your ex and that all others who come after you and the ex, don’t really “count?” I know I surely wouldn’t want to stay with someone who feels that way about me. Maybe it’s him(the new BF)who needs to keep on looking for Mrs.Right, because if you are for real with all of this, then I feel very sorry for him.
Very smart woman Alanna…. I agree with all you said and very well said I might Add….
Can you explain, if she should back off, why did they get divorced in the first place, it’s apparently for a reason, other wise don’t you think she wouldn’t be referencing the situation. It takes two.
why did this response incluse religious junk?
u r a very ignorant and classless person to impose ur ridiculous beliefs and judgments on ppl u don’t know….no one should have to remain in any kind of relationship in which they are unhappy….even marriage…WE ARE IN THE 21ST CENTURY AND FURTHERMORE DIVORCE HAS BEEN ACCEPTED MORALLY FOR AN ETERNITY….we are living in a modern society….ur small mindedness is hard to fathom by any standards….u need to stay out of any commentary on relationships as u have no qualifications nor common sense about probably ANYTHING…..as for the woman with the bf and ex who has bad boundaries…this is a difficult situation which i find myself in….i married a man who had this problem and am divorcing him now (20 years later) for other reasons…and my current “friend” will never be my bf again after our break up last year over his intimacy with his ex-wife who he texts constantly and although it may not be a sexual relationship is nevertheless too intimate for me to handle….i realized that this ex-wife and their relationship would never change and that i would never be comfortable in this position…i love him dearly and i know that one day this same issue will come up for him…i am not at this time in may life able nor do i have the time and patience to deal with such issues. i painfully admitted to myself that it would never work….and had to let him go as a potential future husband or life partner.
thi was for the woman who brought G-d into this woman’s situation and judgment….
I would like to know Dr. Hartmann: how is it possible the my boyfriend who is doing the same thing ….. ex-wife can’t let go and he can’t let go. The big issue here is HOW CAN SHE BE A THERAPIST, PSYCHIATRIST, ETC. – HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO HELP OTHERS WHEN SHE IS LIVING A LIE!!! SHE IS HOLDING ON TO EX-HUSBAND TO BE HER PUPPET.
Another bitter woman that can’t move on..
my ex husband pays all my Bill’s I was a homsker for 27 years he walked out on me and I did not know how to pay Bill’s he now has girlfriend I have my daughter who is 37 but has learning disability and I am disabled I thi he lost his company and all the money we saved was gone I took what I could and left my house he lives in beautiful condo in New York why should he have every thing and I have nothing I do not care about his girlfriend I did not even go to sons wedding but she did he said he is not getti ng married he plays mi d games with me I had part time jobs a d took care of teo kind that is work then my daughter had a child and u could not take care of her because of every thi t foint on and he had an affair with man I think he did so I fell apart now he should have every thing no I do not thi nk so it’s not his girlfriend its him
Maria you cannot force someone to be with someone if they don’t want to. You don’t know all the details, they may still be married, but maybe there is not marriage anymore. I hate when people speak for God. Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Worry about yourself. I love God with all my heart when I met my Husband he was still married to someone else. She told him to find someone else to love she didn’t love him anymore. although when I stepped into the picture it did bother the Shit out of her ha ha. That was a long time ago and we have been happily married for years and God is not mad.
That’s ridiculous. If he wanted to be with his wife, vice/versa, they’d work it out and be together.
Ex wives need to get a life, get a new husband and move on already. People change, fall out of love, and nothing is black and white.
I believe in God and marriage. It’s no longer between man and woman anymore, it’s accepted by society. People change, if there’s adultery or death, bible says okay to remarry.
So, either people need to be smarter about who they marry, or stay stuck in an unfulfilled marriage. Why would a God want that?
Why can’t ex wives get over it already and move on? especially in this day in age? It’s pathetic.
Get out now! Dont fall for him and definately DONT MARRY HIM.This will not stop i know i married a man like this, now 5 years after we got married he cuts her grass every week and she drives him to get groceries.
I am in the same boat! It is very frustrating and causes me to lose sleep. I get the “we are still friends my ex and I” and so we are different than others… we sorted things differently… I think you would rather have them hate each other than to be friends to some degree although that has it issues too. The stories change everyday I speak to him from one day it is “we have settled things with the kids- she is helping one and I am helping the other”, but then “I make more money than my ex so I must help out the kid she is supposed to be responsible for.” We got a too nice guy with a too nice problem and that being he is still attached to his ex emotionally and they will both use the kids as bate to make excuses to keep in touch unnecessarily. I really wonder why they divorced only from what I know from him she had affairs over the almost 20 year marriage. To make matters worse, he tells me of the affairs then tries to cover them up and pretend they did not happen… I think this guy has to cut the cord definitely and if not soon, he will lose everything he has invested in with me! Thanks so much for this useful article- cut to the chase- the way I like it.
After being in an almost 20yr marriage of this sort.. I can promise you it likely started out with him Cheating, is he gone a lot.. could deny/hide that he was cheating but yet she’d caught him, knew it well that he was cheating. So out of his own guilt he continues to do things for her and the children as he should! Most likely she never wanted it to be like it was and tried over and over to talk with him about it. He still loves her!
I am with you Debbie, having a situation like this is like a never ending story.
I feel I want to end things up VERY soon, find another place to live and start from zero again. It is not easy when you love the man, but we have to love ourselves more and first. If the guy is not giving us the right treatment, then it is time to find a man that is willing to build that life with us. That holiday part you are saying, plus other meetings are just unacceptable, it is not right for us. The ex wife had already her time and show, it is time to move on. But if the man has NO balls to tell her and it is very AFRAID of talking to her about this subject, he is just not worth it and he will repeat the same with the next one coming up. A coward for life and will loose a great treasure with the one that could have been an amazing partner.
Please leave! You don’t have to put up with that! Those are your holiday as well!
It is totally frustrating! My story is so long but to sum it up-my husband ex wife is very controlling. But to give you a run down-she’s remarried…to a woman for 5yrs now & doing suspect things behind her wife back. This the same person she cheated on my now husband with. Moving forward, she has called (FaceTime) my husband asking him to come to a strip Club with her as she was kissing all on the stripper in front of him. He politely told her she need to go home to her wife and he’s about to do the same. Also, she recently called him asking why didn’t he call her to find out if SHE was ok because their on vacation. Of course she threw the daughter in too.
I have a problem with some of their convos and he just don’t get it. They are very close friends but some of the crap she does is very draining and suspect. Sometimes I ask myself “why did I get married?”
On Thanksgiving my boyfriend of nearly 2 years (we broke up once because of his incessant talks of the ex-wife) let me know he is going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife, her parents and their GROWN 28 year old son. He said his “wife” (?) doesn’t want me there. Of special note is that my boyfriend is Jewish, his son and ex are Catholic, as am I.
Then I explained I would be left alone that day and felt disrespected. Furthermore, I invited he and his son for lasagna and gift exchange under my tree.
He was insistent that he had done this every year. This was in spite of the fact tfat his wife took to him to the cleaners financially and left him for a man over 20 years her junior.
Please help, the only time I had ever seen this happen Is when one of my friends found themselves in the awful situation of dating a married man. My friends and my 23 year old son are very supportive of me and explainef this needs to change. All support is appreciated, my boyfriend and his wife have been broken up for 8 years.
So here we go. What does one thing has to do with the other. Eve was not Adam’s first wife. It’s manipulation going on here. So is someone supposed to stay with someone because it says so. I rather be divorce and happy than married and miserable. That’s why people become mental. It’s all about free will. God gave that to us. No one needs to be anywhere they are not comfortable. People always want someone who doesn’t want them the same way. Grown people acting like children…no wonder this world is so hard. Too many games. Too many time on peoples hand. Chances. How many chances can one person gets? In the long run someone has to make a decision. He needs a good spanking. Evidently something is missing here. Men take your place as men and start acting like Men, not little boys. It’s not hard. Just take time to except the consequences of the foolishness you started and never finished. Women instead of disagreeing. Just get together and confront him once and for all.
I’m dating a man who lives in the same house as his ex. She’s bed ridden with aches and pains from what she says she has.. fibromyalgia. They have a 10 yr old and he is caregiver. They come first. I fallen in love with him..I know I need to give him up if he can’t find a way to get her other help. He never expected to find someone to date or to fall in love with either, he knows it’s not fair to keep me on the side lines waiting..I know it’s not either.we are not children we are in our 60’s. He married someone much younger. Is there a good way to compromise? Communication is key. I’m to old for this. We are both physically fit and work out at the gym. We’re not the normal 60s.
Run !!!!! Doesn’t matter how nice that guy is , believe me he is wasting your time .. Find someone better , you deserve much better then putting up with this guy and HIS family .. Still his family not an EX ..
I know how it feels my boyfriend was very chummy with ex wife and he would lied to me about their whole relationship with her I would not mind if he told me they were best friends but he never could tell me the truth I will never understand why this man could not detached himself from her I know they have kids together but they are seventeen and nineteen they can tell him about things he was only married four years and she cheated and wanted the divorced but she can’t let go she has a boyfriend I just find it very weird they are divorced fourteen years he never left her she lives out of state that was the only reason we lasted two years of pure hell now I finally got up and left him I have now peace no stress no more lies women if u are smart walk away a man like this is to broken to fix no matter how much u love them or u think they will change it will never happen I tried and all it did was hurt me
untill the girfriend becomes the wife or moves in with the girlfriend or is engaged it is none of her business if he talks to ex wife my gayer had 4 girlfriends until he hot married the he did not talk to my mother any more I was married for 27 years I tslk to my ex 3 times a week he pays my Bill’s bit he wants.to Jo’s hirfrien has nothing to .say about it I know he .would sleep with me if i lived in same state but i do not want to and he plays mind games with me I told him to stop he had his girlfriend and that is fine and he help s me out that is fine to it’s none of her business just like he sees her it’s none of my business he is grown man he does what he wants
Hi Debbie – if you want, why don’t you email me a question regarding the situation you’re in, providing a bit of detail, and we can use the blog to tackle it. I’ll bet your problem is one many women can relate to.
I have relatively the same situation as this blog talks about but with a few twists. I will try to keep it short (if possible) and just the facts if I can. I have known this man 13 years, as a friend. We have lived together about 3 years now, after his second divorce and breakup with a girlfriend. Ex wife number 2 was a heinous witch, called me horrid names, and was part of several issues we had early on (though I’d never done anything to her and he’d already left her before I got involved) and it took a long time but I finally seemed to get through to him that I wasn’t going to tolerate her abuse and if he chose to allow it he clearly didn’t love me. They have no children and post divorce had no need to see each other yet she would phone him for everything, including to pick her up at the airport after she flew back in from LA where she had plastic surgery. I think I have that problem mostly resolved though it’s reared it’s ugly head from time to time. I only share that as it is pertinent to the rest of the story and the pathology of his relationship with ex wife number 1. They have been divorced 9 years, no kids, and she is about 7 years older than him. They were married over 20 and together probably have known each other now 30 years? The issue is that I knew him when he was married to her and got caught up in the issues between them and what turned out to be ex wife number 2. This is where it starts to really get weird. Ex1 became best friends with wife 2, who had been primarily responsible for the break up of her marriage. My theory is that was to keep him close as best she could, and I believe (as does his therapist) that she was waiting in the wings for him to get over his “addiction” to number 2 and come back to her….but apparently I ruined those plans!)
During the short years of the second marriage new wife was content to let ex continue to service his non physical needs (probably some out of guilt) such as he spoke to ex on the phone daily on his entire commute home, she helped hire caretakers for his mother who had dementia so he didn’t have to cope with that, at all, ever… I think you get the picture. New Wife didn’t even allow Mom to visit their super expensive home and was only interested in what he could do for her, enjoyed the freedom of their affluent lifestyle (she took her first ex, a powerful criminal trial attorney for quite a haul I hear) with no responsibility and I think he enjoyed finally feeling like he wore the pants in the family (as ex1 is so strong a personality I believe she had run the show most of their marriage) because wife2 was too stupid to figure out normal daily stuff like seriously, how to light a gas light by their front door or to change a bulb in some tall hallway, whatever. So he felt manly with her. Fast forward to me re-entering the picture (he came looking for me and I actually had sense enough to try to run, and did for a while, but was apparently at a weak point in my life and needed the companionship or compassion, or who knows maybe I just needed to be needed for a change myself…anyway we ended up together despite my many early on misgivings. We have been through hell and back in the last three years and he has grown a lot….goes to therapy though I believe he has a worthless almost codependent therapist (which of course I’ve told him and he promised to see someone new but of course never has) but the lingering problem we can’t seem to overcome is the ex wife number 1. She has gone from being a daily intrusion down to at least a few times a week intrusion but he still has no qualms about her overstepping boundaries. He seems to feed off it actually. His therapist agreed that for all intents and purposes he is still married to her and told him this but he continues to disagree. Most of the time I just try to ignore it all now because if I’m going to be with him this is who he is, but I think it’s come to a point where I can’t tolerate it any longer. Yesterday I found out she had purchased a card for them to send to his cousin’s daughter who is graduating…quite by accident since he texted ME instead of her, asking if he should come by to sign the card. We have lived together 3 years, I have been to his cousin’s home for Christmas the last two years, yet he got an invite and the ex wife got an invite and nothing was mentioned to me. He denies they were sending together just that she had offered to pick one up for him and as usual he just went along with it. He claims it’s meaningless but her birthday was a few weeks ago and he bought her several perfumes. For Christmas, a $300 gift certificate for a Coach bag. There are multiple times a week lunches, she gives him his testosterone and steroid shots weekly, and most recently she cancelled his hair appointment (they still use the same stylist) for him because he was taking me out of town for my birthday (every trip we go on she gets a full itinerary and he knows it pisses me off) When I blew a gasket yesterday over the card on top of all the rest of this, which we had just discussed at his therapists the night before, he was like, oh well I see now that it’s a mistake, if I’d known it would upset you I wouldn’t have had her do it, but we have argued about this for YEARS now, how can he possibly NOT know it upsets me for her to continue to behave as his wife? I try to take the high road…her mother was dying recently and I encouraged him to go see her before she did so, and even to go to the funeral alone because I didn’t feel it was right for me to infringe on that time but asked him to please not act as her husband but of course he had to sit with the family…I get that…so it’s not like I don’t try, but I’ve had enough. She and I went round and round when his mother was in the hospital because she is a pediatric nurse and thinks she knows it all, but I’m a geriatric administrator who specialized in dementia and she was dead wrong on almost everything (hadn’t ever had Mom evaluated by a neurologist just took the GP’s word for it, and treated her as such…and of course when I arrived on the scene I immediately knew she didn’t have Alzheimer’s which is what they had been treating her for, got her to a neurologist and changed her meds and suddenly he could have some sort of communication with his Mom again) and that pissed her off because I started taking part in his decisions about his mom’s care, and actually making HIM see to her, and MAKE the hard choices, because I knew what would happen to him if he didn’t (he has major mommy issues and I was concerned the guilt would eat at him) She has told him over and over, if it will make things easier for you I will back off, I want you to be happy…..so when he told me yesterday he would have a talk with her about boundaries it was all I could do not to wring his neck through the phone….clearly (at least to me) he is the one who needs a lesson or two in boundaries and can’t hold her to something he isn’t clear on himself. Another talk is meaningless. I simply want to know if you believe I’m over-reacting to it all (the list of incidents is endless, I just tried to hit the most recent highlights) I know what I’d tell a friend of mine in this situation: Girl you are an idiot if you think this is going to change at this point EVER….he has shown you who he is, believe him!!!…..I’m hoping you’ll tell me something better though I guess lol…..I enjoy our day to day life together (I mean we have other issues but who doesn’t) the wife thing is just too much to handle much longer…..and I can’t be the one to force him to exclude her from his life, he is a grown man. No one should have to tell him she still has a place in his life…. but this is NOT it….and is way too much.
Wow Karen, I’m sorry. I do have to say I struggle with the same thing. Constant ridiculous contact, that he deems “ok”. But if it were me then lord we would be at war..
I believe mine still loves her and loves the attention and the feeling od need that she gives him. Sounds similar to yours. I’m just flabbergasted on how many Len are the same when I truly thought I had a rare situation.
Plus I still have the mother that just thinks the sun rises and sets on his ex.. Uggh its exhausting for sure.
I hope you find happiness..
Sounds about right.
Hi,
This Mother’s Day, which is my first, but i have another son, but he isn’t mine. I claim him as mine. Anyways i waited all day for my husband to say Happy Mother’s day, so he leaves for a few minutes to help his mom and leaves his phone on thr table. So, i decided to look through phone, which is very wrong of me, but i was curious and so i found a message to his ex-wife saying Happy Mother’s Day, but never said nothing to me about. So later i call my mom to say it and he goes and tells his mom that im mad at something and she goes and buy roses clearly it should be him, but all i wanted for to regonize im HIS wife and should be first. So later he ask me why i was so upset and i said, “you tell me, you text your ex- wife when you should have said it to me, not your ex and she’s your ex for a reason. Then he tells me i forgot to tell you and i was like how can you forget to tell me, when you text early morning. Also he had spilled the beans about he had said Happy bday to her, which my bday is jan. 4 th and hers is jan 14. The past two years he has forgotten mine, but remembers hers. This year i waited all day and i told finally at 9pm about my day, so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and i let it go. The thing is i had know idea he was telling her happy bday until 2013 mothers day. We have been together 5 years and married almost 2 years. And he said i made a mistake, but clearly its been many mistakes since we been together. Also he has acted like i was keeping secrets all the time and accusing for that, his ex wife cheated on him several times, but i knew what i was getting into, but i sisn’t he was doing stuff like that. He always told i only talk to my ex about pur son and thats it. In mind i think exes should not say those personal things, those personal things goes to the new love of their life. Exes are a reason their exes.
You aren’t a mother. I see were you are coming from, but the point of mother’s day is to celebrate mothers. You aren’t that kids mother.
Read her first sentence, says its her first, BUT she has another son which isn’t hers. So yea. She is a mother.
Spoken like a true man Michael!
That’s rude to say. She may have not been a mother figure it doesn’t Make it right for him to say it to her. That’s disrespectful to her. N if he is with her he shouldn’t waNt to say that to her anyway. Where r the men at these days?
Are you kidding me, Michael? She is a StepMOTHER. She cares for that boy when he’s sick I’m sure. Cooks his favorite foods and shops for his school supplies, birthday presents, etc. If he is little I’m sure she rocks him to sleep and kisses his boo boos. What absurdity! If they adopted a child would she still not be his mom because she didn’t give birth to him. In my opinion she should pack her bags and legally separate. He needs to wake up and let his ex wife go. Him texting her and forgetting your birthday, wow. I know it hurts but he can’t love you. He hasn’t let her go yet. Having you by his side will never make him appreciate you. Pray and fast and remove yourself from the situation. Don’t be vengeful or angry let him have some time to make his choice and stop taking you for granted.
Mothers is for Mother’s Day. First, it should be their mother, then his current love, then the ex. It’s called respect. The ex won’t know who came first, but the current love sure as hell will. So, do right by your current wife/love, or go back to the ex. Eventually, the woman will get fed up and leave.
We need to stop allowing the men to have weak boundaries, and not tolerate such treatment. The ex is in the past, leave it where it belongs. If your man doesn’t respect that boundary… leave.
Hi,
I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend who i have been with for 12 months is still married, due to be divorced this coming September and he has 2 kids with his ex-wife (of 17 years) aged 4 and 7. They live with their mum full time and stay with us 2 nights per week.
My boyfriend is actually one of my employee’s and he’s constantly asking to leave and go and pick up one of his daughters midday when his wife calls him.
Last night for example she rang him asking to go round and fix her tv…he went, I didn’t say anything but inside I was secretly seething.
Whenever I say something about her (she posted nasty things about me on facebook) he always sticks up for her, no matter what the argument is he will say ‘its not worth the hassle’ or side with her.
Its starting to get to me and I feel it may ruin our relationship. Any help would be appreciated, even just on how to deal with my own frustration etc/
Well im sorry,
But you are messing around with a married man.
Shame on you really. There are kids involved you should back off !
I dont think its good she has posted things about you on fb. But its not strange.
Women like you are the nr reason familys fall appart
Stop using kids as an argument. They adapt to everything, better than adult. They have the right to know the truth and to understand that life is not always easy. When everything is done with respect, everybody can work it out. It’s better for parents to be separated than to fight in front of their kids.
No woman are stealing husbands or no men are stealing wife. Sometimes, there is nothing to do but to leave. And the blame is not on the new girlfriend or boyfriend, since he or she wasn’t the one to be married. Open up your mind a little bit more and hopefully you will realized that you too can be happy. Show your kids life is great, show your kids you can adapt yourself to every situation. Show them they are responsible for their own happiness and not to wait for anybody else to make them happy.
I left my husband because he was a bad husband, not because of my new boyfriend. And even if I wasn’t with my boyfriend, I would never go back with my ex-husband. There is nobody between us, it’s just over.
Seriously, Maria. How about the married man is looking outside the marriage? He is culaple. Don’t blame her.
Families fall apart because of two people, mother and father. If things were great there to begin with nobody would be able to come between them. My advice is to get out now. I have been dealing with same issues for 7 to 8 YEARS and it has only gotten worse! Don’t allow yourself more time to love him and his kids because it is just worse later on. Dealing with your frustration will NEVER end. Sorry to you for having to go through this!
Oh for god’s sake it is not her fault that this man’s marriage fell apart! what planet are you on anyway? wow. It is ever so much better to stay with the kids no matter what, SAID NO PERSON EVER. It is better to come from a “broken home” than to live in a “broken home.” HE IS SEPARATED AND MARRIED IN NAME ONLY.
Hannah…
I to am in a similar situation as you are. My fiance has been divorced for awhile now and we have been together for 2 yrs though I have known him since grade school. His ex wife is horrible, she got me fired from my job, says awful things about me that I have PROVED time and again to be lies. But still he believes her. He tells her things that he should be talking to me about, and texts calls and talks ALL day everyday, usually starting around 9am. Everytime I get out of the car he instantly gets on the phone. I understand they have lids together and have to discuss them. But that’s not her calling for directions, or where she should get tires for her car, or if he knows anyone that can help change her garage code. I have kids too and an ex, and I rarely talk with him, its just not ok, its not ok for them to talk every day all day long. And constantly sensing pics of the lids and sometimes with HER IN THEM. Cancelling our plans with the lids on our weekends because she wants to come get thwm for something. It’s crap, and he constantly compares me to her, and tells me ALL women are the same. She cheated on him several times and is still with the last guy she cheated with, it kills him, I know he isn’t over her yet, and is using me as a pass time until he could possibly be done. He says well we were together for so long, I’m all she has known, she doeant have family.. BS she has family AND a boyfriend she has had for over 2 yrs! That’s who she should be talking with not him. He feels there isn’t anything wrong with what he is doing, last yr our first Christmas together he texted her right as he woke up to tell her merry Christmas, and still NEVER one time told me. It’s sad, sad that we get tied into these situations and so emotionally involved that we can’t hardly end it, in hopes things will change, that things will get better but the truth is it never will, we will never be her nor will we ever be able to fill whatever it is that they are missing by being needed by their ex. I hope you fins your way and see that this will never change, it will continue to make us both crazy and fell not good enough until we stop it.
And Maria, until you have been in a similar situation you should keep your opinions to yourself and mind your own business. People divorce everyday, and ya know there is always ONE in that divorce that didn’t want it and dis everything they could to fix it. So does that mean that because in gods eyes they may still be married that one person should live the rest of their life alone and don’t deserve happiness? I’m pretty sure God is forgiving and he wants happiness for all of us. Thank the lord that your marriage is so perfect and that you have no issues.. funny because THAT’S exactly how I felt about mine! But now I’m divorced. Don’t be so blind to think it could.t happen to you. And defiantly DON’T damn the ones who have had to go through it.
I have been dating a man for one year. He has been divorced for 5years however him and his ex wife are still very good friends. They dont have children together but she is like a second mother to his daughter and is always at her house. They speak a couple of times a week about the daughter and just recently she put a car in her name for him since he is struggling rebuilding his credit. Isnt this very odd???
No, not odd as long as she talks respectfully to u and doesn’t put thoughts in the daughters head. I am “friends” with my ex and think he is a decent person, just not for me. Tried it and it didn’t work but our relationship is good for our daughter. The fact that the ex is like a second mother to the daughter is great, how wonderful for the girl to have 2 mothers and possibly a 3rd in the makings? My ex is on his way to see his daughters sister in Texas for Christmas (my older daughter). How much better could that be for the children?
My girlfriend sees her ex another woman every day and takes care of her fence, dog and goes shopping and to the zoo all day on sunday or whenever the ex asks her to hang out, all for the daughter (5years old)
the ex kicked me out of their house, because she felt uncomfortable, but I have to accept them being together and i am not allowed with them.I came to a depression so deep, I almost lost myself. Finally i asked her to stop seeing her that much and set boundries, she blame our failure on me. For not acceptung her intimate friendship with ex. I let her go, i am a lesbian w feels used and betrayed. She sees me as not strong or supporting. Please answer, i love her, but also love myself.
I don’t know how to deal with my fiancée ex wife, she’s constantly calling and texting him for any little thing and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it but I do.. they are divorced and have grown kids his son is 23 years old and daughter 20 years old who still depend on him 100% financially and they make him feel like if he’s obligated.. they hate me and constantly putting things in his head to turn him against me ( and it’s working) they manipulate him 24/7 but he’s so blind that he don’t see it… we been thru hell because of all this and his ex knows about all the problems she is bringing us but she just don’t stop, we have argued couple times and she still don’t stop I just don’t know what to do.. I’m really going crazy and what really hurts me most is that I know he loves me too and he really want to be with me but I think he has some psychological dependency with her (them both) they were married for 27 years. He tells her all our problems and she became his best friend and she give him advice for our relationship (which are negative) but she goes and tells him that she wants him to be happy and he believes that smh I don’t but he’s completely blind and I don’t know what to do. I feel lost!!!
Wow….I hate it for you, but just know you MUST take care of this before you say I do. Saying I do will say that you are ok with this situation as it is now. Just clarify your stand and stand firm, however, be ready for his response because it may answer some questions you already know the answer too. He is acting like a ex husband and enjoys the attention of being needed. He can not have his past and future; they just don’t go together. I just hate to hear that you are hurting and confused as a wife to be. Good Luck and be Blessed
Some men NEED to be needed by others. And the thought of her still needing him after all this time is almost an ego boost for men. Kinda like the grass is greener on the other side? But ha ha she comes to me for all her needs.. prob won’t change, mine hasn’t.
BINGO. this is nothing more than an ego boost and his manliness (as he thinks) and/or guilt depends on this, so he allows it. And then there a just some woman who don’t know how to let GO, they are dependent and needy and they say things like he’s mine, I was with him first, he cheated multiple times but he only loves me, etc. these woman think of men as possession not as people with feelings that evolve and or fade with time, knowledge, and just plain putting themselves in the relationship.
Hello Rebeca and others,
It breaks my heart to read that so many of us our in the same situation.
I have been with my partner for over 5 years now and have the similar issues. He won’t stop communications with his ex (not legally exwife either). They chat about everything, including our relationship. This has destroyed our relationship. I will never marry him now and wish he would just leave my home. Now I can’t even get rid of him……..the whole situation makes me ill.
She cheated on him, and he still longs for her contact whatever it may be.
At first in our relationship, he promised me that it was “just about the kids”. I have long since noticed a common thread that it may start out about the kids but isn’t really. Although she doesn’t want him, she does not want to let him go and because he longs for her he will take whatever he can get.
THESE MEN ARE THE REASON WOMAN should never date men who have any emotional connection to an EX!
I have an ex-husband and we may speak once a year, if that! There is a reason people are EX’s!
MEN……let it go and move on………….Stop ****ing with other woman’s lives!!!
Maggie..
I agree with you 100%!
My situation is the same way. It really is a total mess that we are caught up in. Goos luck girl..
Here’s a good one for you. Answer me this.. how normal is it for my fiance’ to have his EX to so all his Christmas shopping for him?? Really? I’ve been shopping for things for months but she is the one doing his shopping. He says its because she finds ” deals” online so it was easy for her to just go ahead and buy it and him pay her back. Really? So you all tell me how jacked up is this??? sad and frustrated.. bit I don’t think things will ever change for me..
Ugghh so I see the exit as being the beat door to take.. heart broken
Oh and his contact with her has been on overload because she is now engaged to her man ( that she cheated on him with). So now he is just extra sweet to her and awful to me! I don’t get it.. I guess I never will… Good luck everyone and I hope you all have a merry christmas..
“THESE MEN ARE THE REASON WOMAN should never date men who have any emotional connection to an EX!” Yes, these men are emotionally unavailable and no matter how great you are in the sack, how good your food is, how many gifts you buy him, how long you wait, he will remain this way until that button in him turns off it it ever does most times he may have no control sometimes he does. I hope you find somebody that you can connect with emotionally,
Hi Christie , hope someone can help with my decision. After 10 years together and lots of family and financial problems my partner decides he needs space. Says he loves me but is not in love with me. Says it’s not me but him. Accepted that and living separately. Found his profile on dating website. Just played it cool. After confronting him upset, realised faults on both sides and agreed to be just friends for now and who knows what will happen. We had a holiday prebooked to Hawaii and still went together and both had the best holiday ever. We always get along so well when it’s just the 2 of us. After that, we caught up every fortnight for a meal or Sunday brekky to catch up on things and he came over for family functions . But I struggled with the whole friends thing and had an idea he was seeing someone so I called him to catch up telling him I wanted to talk. I explained everything I was feeling and that I understood he needed his space but that I was having a hard time dealing with it. He then told me he had been seeing someone for a few times. Nothing serious yet and that she knows about me and is aware that he is not going to stop catching up with me whenever he wants and that he still loves me but just can’t be with me right now. Says that when he thinks about short term that’s how he feels but when he thinks of long term future all he can picture is me. We then spent the next hour kissing, passionately, cuddling and would have been a whole lot more if I hadn’t stopped him. We left on great terms and I said I needed some time to get my self right and that I wouldn’t be contacting him as much for a while. 4 weeks later he asks me out for Sunday lunch and we have a great time catching up on and kiss and hug goodbye, but every time we catch up, I miss him again . So I tell him that night that I can’t do the friends thing anymore, it’s just too hard,and I font think I can see him anymore. He is sad that he has hurt me so but understands and wishes me every happiness and hopes we can be friends again one day. Since then I found out 2 weeks earlier he had introduced the new girlfriend to his sister. That sounds more serious. I still miss him every day and it is hard to move on. Of course I think we are meant to be together and this phase will pass. Have I done the wrong thing by not being friends anymore. Has it lessened my chances of any glimmer of hope of him every coming back. His daughter is coming down to stay for Xmas and wants to stay with me as we’ll for a couple of days which is great because I’ve pretty much raised her and she’s like my daughter. But that means I will no doubt see him at dome point send I just don’t know what to do or how yo handle this situation. Is he just playing me for a fool, feeling guilty or genuinely confused or is this a midlife crisis and hopefully he’ll see the grass isn’t that greener on the other side or have I lost hi. Forever and I need to forget him and move on. Please help me. All advise would be greatly appreciated especially from a mans point of view as well. thank you all in advance for your help.
I think he wants to “shop around” but still wants you on stand by if he doeant find anyone else that meets his fancy. I dont know you but I have had a friend go through this exact same thibg, and she went through it for over a yr, different girls, him coming around when he wanted or needed something or just because he was lonely and had noone else. She put her life on hold for a yr waiting wishing and hoping while he dis what he wanted with whom ever he wanted. We all finally convinced her to go out, do what she wanted ts he was, why should she sit and just wait for him to finish running around? You are the same way, you live him madly and deeply and you have several years together but wouldn’t you rather be witomeone who is in love with you and wants to spend their every waking moment with you? And is sure of what they want for their future and knows without a doubt they want you in it? You deserve the world, you do not have to wait for someone to ” sew their oats” and then sethewant to b with you. Go on with your life, create yourself a dating profile, go out with other people he is! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, if he gets upset then tell him your only doing what he has been and what he obviously wants. Who knows by you doing that may make him see that he couldn’t stand for anyone else to hold tou , kiss you or spend their life with you. Stop giving him an open door to come over as well, once he sees that tour serious he may change his ways as well. There are several men in this world and women too that want their cake and to eat it too, at their loved ones expense, we are the only ones who can stop it from happening. I hope thing workout and you see what a great person you are. Stop being his door mat and find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated.
Great article and really true, I am a divorced man as well, and since my ex and I have a 9 year old son together, I have the problem of having to deal with her (trust me I wish I wold not have too). But what you miss is that it is other way around the same. I dated a woman who constantly called her ex for anything that should have been between her and me, no matter if advise or help or anything else – it sucks and I dont deal good with that. If he knows better go back to him.
Another case I had where the ex did no give a hoop about the family he left behind until I showed up on the picture and he constantly called or showed up.
In your final line you say You have never met a woman that likes to date a divorced man – well believe me when I tell you dating a divorced woman is just as tough and sometimes a pain in the rear six as well.
Overal everything else is just an amazing great article I loved to read, save and share on facebook
Great advice
True sign she isn’t over him. Just the same as my situation. He isn’t over her either.
Wow! Thanks for sharing Tom. It is so rare to find a man that will actually read and respond on posts like this.
Hey Tom. Always appreciate hearing your point of view. I hope you don’t think I meant that women don’t like dating divorced men – but rather that they have difficult dating “Divorced Husbands” (men who still behave like husbands to their ex-wives). I do believe you when you say dating divorced women can be tough – but I rarely hear men talk about it, so it’s very informative to hear your experiences.
“However, daily or near-daily contact should be the exception, not the rule.”
This seems very adult-centric. Girlfriend-centric, even.
Kids do best when their parents are in close contact and have good communication, even if the parents are divorced. I dearly wish my ex and I were good enough friends to be in near-daily communication, because my kid, who’s a sensible type, feels the loss of it. And that’s reasonable. What’s not reasonable is telling a kid to man up and get over the most formative and important relationship in his or her life because a girlfriend or second wife is insecure.
People generally split up for good reason. I have exes I talk to frequently — some of the relationships go back nearly 30 years now. Would we get together again? Hell, no. It didn’t work, we know it didn’t work. But we like and trust each other. Fortunately, their wives are not as jealous and insecure as the woman writing to you, and they know perfectly well that I’m not a threat to their marriages.
Tell the lady nicely to grow up, recognize that this is a great thing for the stepkids, and buy a calendar. It’ll all be over eventually, and then she and her man will have the rest of their lives together. But trying to pry a kid’s parents apart when the relationship is warm and good? Klassy.
There is a difference between trying to pry parents apart vs an ex being so evil to do everything they can to ruin what their ex has because THEY are jealous. That is my issue, never have had a jealous bone in ky body until I constantly have someone trying to break up me and my fiance because she all of the sudden wants her cake and eat it to. She didn’t want him ,cheated several times and is the one who left and filed for divorce, but now that he has someone who he loves and is good to the kids she has done nothing but everything she can to make it nearly impossible to work. And she uses the kids as leverage constantly. There is a line and sending pics of yourself to your ex all the time is one of the MANY instances that crosses it. And if you think that us being the new women have the problems then your crazy.
Amy
Clearly your not reading these articles right. I am not nor have I ever been insecure or a jealous person. There is a difference between being jealous and insecure then being treated like a third wheel in your own relationship,he is my best friend, I go to him for everything, if I have a bad day I can talk with him and he makes it all better, I don’t go to my ex husband for comfort or advise EVER I go to my fiance’ because he is my partner in life, he does not do this, he goes to he talks to her, even about us! Knowing she has done everything in her power to try and break us up, she lies and deceives everything in her reach, she saya s things about him and their past and she is a liar always! Says something about me that I can prove in black and white form and he believes her every word. These are the issues, these men have brought these issues into pour lives and all we are trying to do is love them and spend our life with them, but we are the ones who are maybe delusional NOT jealous and insecure, delusional to think that maybe tomorrow OUR life and OUR future will be as important aa s their past and ex that they ALL say they don’t want or can’t stand, or whatever other thing they say about their ex. The bottom line is that we have fallen in love nd have gone through hell and back for these men in our lives to only find out we will never be as good aa or enough compared to the EX they all hate so much.. but can’t let go.. and it has NOTHING to do with any children. Period.
Hi Amy, thanks for stopping in. Yes, to some extent, this post, like many I write on this topic, is somewhat “girlfriend-centric.” I do agree that it’s best when divorced parents stay in good contact and can comfortably communicate. It is better for the kids. And, really, it’s better for the girlfriend too, because any communication problems with bio mom will affect her negatively too, even if indirectly. But this article is really about excessive or inappropriate communication, which is rarely motivated by kids’ needs. In the end, kids want their parents to be happy and to respect each other, but don’t need them to stay emotionally tied to one another.
Christie, you may be underestimating the emotional depth of the tie that a child is, and how helpful it is to children to have their parents be close friends. If you want to hear about what happens when the parents aren’t close, you’ve only to talk to schoolteachers. They deal with the issues daily. No, the kids don’t die; no, they don’t regress and struggle (usually) to the point where it’s a crisis. So no, these children will not show up in your research statistics. But they do struggle, and it’s the teachers who are there to witness it and who have to help them along. So no, I don’t buy that a warm and friendly relationship between exes who share children is “inappropriate”. I see no pathology there.
If a child’s parents are chatting daily — *good*. If a child knows that her parents trust each other, even love each other like family, if not like husband and wife — *good*. Is this inconvenient for the girlfriend? Oh, quite possibly, especially if the girlfriend’s not very secure in her relationship with the dad. But you know what? The girlfriend already had a turn at growing up, at being adults’ priority. Now it’s these kids’. If she needs to have the horizon clear of old flames, perhaps she’s better off with another man than she is in trying to pry apart a relationship that’s warm and nurturing for a dad’s children.
I’m good friends with several exes, one of whom lives a few blocks away. We talk often, deeply, and intimately. Three were at my wedding. They and I have stayed close through marriages, the births of children, divorce and near-divorce, the deaths of siblings and parents. Will we get back together? No chance. There were good reasons why we didn’t work as couples. But we value each others’ friendship deeply, and, thank God, their wives are smart, secure people who understand I’m not a threat. There’s been only one girlfriend who was jealous of me, and it shocked me. When my ex told me about her, I just blinked — did she not understand that there was no desire on either of our parts to get back together? Or that the last thing my ex would ever want to be is a dad? Apparently not, but she had other problems, too, and he’s with someone who’s much more secure now.
Kids LOVE IT when their parents are friends, are close. It makes their lives warmer, easier, better-supported. I’m sorry if it makes some girlfriends anxious. I would suggest that they have some serious talks with their men, alone or in counseling, to see if the worries, frustrations, and insecurities can be dealt with. But in no case can I see that prying apart a friendship that supports and deepens a parenting relationship is a good thing.
on review: Christie, I hope you’re aware that many mothers take exception to the term “bio mom”. I know many stepmoms like to use it. A bio mom, though, is a sort of advanced version of a sperm donor. One who gave birth and either gave the child up for adoption or has simply neglected the child.
I am my child’s mom, full stop, and I earn that title daily. So if someone refers to me as the “bio mom” I stop them and tell them I don’t want to be addressed so, and that I find it disrespectful. The work mothers do is already given short enough shrift. I see you enjoy sports and vacationing; my last vacation was in…I can’t remember. Over ten years ago. There isn’t any money or time for such things. I’m here taking a break from freelance deadline work, which I do in order to keep my child in something approximating a middle-class existence while staying flexible enough to be there for the activities, the appointments, the religious education, the emergencies, the class projects that seem to assume a stay-home mom who’s mad for crafts. I’m the one up late soothing hurt feelings after dad’s…been dad, the one having a houseful of kids on the weekends, the one doing the college planning, wondering where in hell the money will come from, and thinking ahead. It’s enormously rewarding work, but it’s not easy, and there are no breaks. So — mom it is, please, if you’re talking about me.
Amy, no one has commented on the use of “bio mom” until now. Mom it is.
As far as my underestimating a child’s needs… not at all. My parents divorced when I was 7. I saw how hard it was on both of them. It was hard on me too, at the time. Since then, my parents have always been on good terms, and I’ve been grateful for that. When they first split, for a long time they talked often and my Dad came over often. They were split up, but had not cut emotional ties to one another. I know this because they admitted it. Things changed when my mother met a man who would turn out to be my stepdad (still is). The calls decreased, as did my Dad’s visits to our house. It makes sense – my mother had developed a new relationship and thus put her time and effort into that. However, I still spoke to my dad and saw him, but he picked me up and took me out rather than hanging at the house. He and my mother retained their positive relationship, which has lasted until this day – but their phone calls and interactions decreased somewhat because each had moved on to someone new. This change did not affect me in the least because my parents got along, and each were happy in their new situations. My parents backed off their chats to make room for their new partners, while still keeping good relations. And it worked very well for them and for me. That’s how it should be.
No client or reader has ever complained to me that her partner is on friendly terms with his kid’s mom. The concerns some when it’s clear that a man hasn’t let go, when the friendliness isn’t about the kids, and those concerns are 100% understandable. There’s a difference between having a great relationship with one’s ex and being emotionally tied – when you have a new partner, the former works great but the latter fails.
Hey, thanks, on the mom/bio mom thing.
Christie, above, you’re saying “daily or near-daily contact should be the exception”. That’s pretty plain language. But who is a girlfriend — or anyone else — to be mandating how often parents talk?
I’m a parent, and I’ve dated parents. When dad I was seeing isn’t trying to maintain close contact with his ex, it makes me wary of going forward. It says to me, “This man can’t get along after conflict, and seems to be more interested in his relationship with me, or in moving on generally, than he is in his responsibility to his child. Not a keeper.” I trust that if a guy is with me, and not with his ex, it’s because he wants to be with me, and that the divorce happened for a reason. But I want to see that he can maintain the close relationships that count. And of course I’m going to stand back, take second to whatever’s going on with the kid. The kids come first. You know what? Good fathers appreciate that.
If a guy’s heavily invested emotionally with an old romantic flame to the point where you’re being neglected, you’ll know it. He’ll have long, deep conversations with her, then hang up and have not much to say to you. He’ll be distracted, treat you as an afterthought. Her name will constantly come up in his conversation, and he’ll tell you what she thinks, or she did, as if you should change your ways and be more like her. But a guy who’s on the phone with his ex daily, checking in, friends and parents? Maintaining good relationships with the ex’s family? Awesome. This is a man who knows how to do family, is a good friend and a good father. The only thing left for you to do as a gf is to chill, know by the way he treats you that he loves you, and not insist on being the only pair of you-know-whats in the universe. And live your life.
As both a child of divorce and a divorced parent who talks with many others like me, I think I can say that the experience of being a parent in the situation isn’t much like the experience of being the child. As hard as it may be to be the child of divorce, there’s worlds of things the parents protect the children from. There’s so much you can’t say and will never say — because it would be harmful to the child, even the grown child, and sometimes because it’d get you into legal trouble. And so many things you can’t do. The child hasn’t the parents’ responsibilities or maturity. So I would caution against reading the parental experience through the lens of childhood experience, particularly one person’s childhood experience.
Amy, I cited that example because you said I may be underestimating how much a child needs parents to be so close. Now you’re saying I need to focus on the parent’s point view. I think it’s clear there is no example that is going to change the fact that we disagree on this point. And that’s okay.
Oh, I see what you’re saying, with the kid’s perspective. To tell you the truth, I was also coming from the adult view there. The adults are responsible for seeing that the kids get what they need. Kids will try to accommodate and say they’re fine even when things are pretty bad and they’re not doing so well, partly because they don’t have enough perspective to see what’s good and what’s marginal. But it’s up to the parents to look after what they need, see problems, try to ameliorate, see they grow up well. So while it’s great that you handled your parents’ transition fine, I’m sure your mother was overseeing the process, aware of things you weren’t and needs you didn’t know you had.
The take-home is this:
If a post-divorce parental relationship is working well for the kids, don’t mess with it unless you want to be the evil stepmom, because the kids still come ahead of you. If that parental relationship is friendly outside the kids and you can’t handle it, still don’t mess with it or seek authorities telling you it’s okay to mess with it, or that there’s something wrong with it. Because there isn’t. It’s working for the kids, for the mom, and for the dad. The only person it’s not working for is you.
So it’s up to you: Can you adjust to the reality of that relationship? If not, maybe this is not in fact the relationship for you; maybe you need a guy without prior attachments. I wouldn’t even say look for a guy whose relationship with his kids’ mom is more distant, because you don’t know how things will change. Go for a guy without kids. But don’t screw with kids’ parents’ warm relationships just because you feel neglected or insecure.
Here is a different perspective
I am a ALMOST divorced wife of 30 years. My ex had an affair, moved in with her over a year ago and still calls me every single day, sometimes twice a day. There are no children involved. He calls me on the sly.. so his girlfriend doesn’t know. I have asked him numerous times to not call me unless it pertains to the grandchildren or the kids The kids are adults by the way. When I don’t answer the phone, that he still pays for, he threatens me with shutting it off, or becomes very irritated. He says things like, I will always care about you, and I just want to make sure you doing ok. He wants to tell me about his daily life with his girlfriend,… I really don’t understand him.
Tudy: well that is a different perspective! Your ex sounds like a real gem! I’d avoid taking any calls from him – if he gets mad, that’s his problem. He made his bed; now he needs to lie in it!
I’m 44, never been married and have never had children. I’m involved with a man that has filed for divorce but has yet to finalize it. I would have to describe our falling in Love similar to what it must have been like back when you didn’t have a physical relationship with someone until after you were married. I fell in Love after long discussions about Life. Talking about what mistakes we’ve made in relationships, what we would have done differently, and what our dreams of a strong relationship should be. We exchanged I love you’s after three months, having only held hands a few times and two simple kisses. I share this only to say this wasn’t lust. We both realized we’d found something unique and something we’d both thought wasn’t possible.
He was married for 23 years when he decided to file for divorce. Several years before I came into his life he questioned why he was still married. He does not have children but raised his wife’s only son from her first marriage since he was four. Did he want out of his marriage because of me, no. He is a very strong willed man and not one that can be lead astray from what he believes to be right or wrong. When we first met he was very open with me about his marital situation. He said that he was just beginning what would be a very difficult year to 18 month, but he very much wanted to have a life with me and hoped that I would stick it out. As he moved forward through the divorce process his wife swung from extremely despondent, saying she “didn’t want to live without him” or saying her son “wasn’t enough to keep her on earth”, to anger filled phone calls about what an SOB he was for ruining her life. (There are fidelity issues going back to when they were first engaged, to after they were married. There are two other reasons for his wanting to leave their marriage but I don’t feel comfortable sharing that) At first the continuous phone calls were what I expected. I can honestly understand her world being shattered since he has always stayed committed to their marriage regardless of the trials they went through. When the comments about not wanting to live without him started, she also started to loose weight. He became very concerned and was checking on her and stopping by to see her on a very regular basis. I wasn’t sure if I should step away from our relationship in order for him to go back. He said he didn’t want to go back but yet didn’t want her to kill herself over him. It took him a while to come to the realization that he wasn’t responsible for her Life in that way. Those threats went away. But still lots of phone calls and e-mails. Each time he wanted to sit down to finalize the financial arrangements of their divorce she would agree to have him come over, then “it was too much for her to deal with” and the trip to see her never accomplished anything. Then medical issues started. Every few months there was some new reason why she wasn’t yet ready to finalize their divorce. First it was because she was worried about not having double medical coverage. Her employer covered her medical expenses then his picked up the rest. Then she couldn’t work any more. She spent 18 months trying to get a disability retirement from her employer. She couldn’t finalize her income for a divorce until she finalized her retirement, her employer disagreed about the disability portion. Then more medical issues started, first the doctors “just can’t figure out what was wrong with her”, then to a number of weird ailments from food allergies, to parasites only found in some far off land , to cancer, but only a “mild cancer”. All of these things were proof of how much she needed him to be there for her. ……Through this all he has been adament that he wants a life with me. We live together. His wife has been to our home once. I am not and have never been a secret that he kept from her…….. She continually calls just to share what’s happening in her daily life with him.
So here’s why I’m writing. It is now going on 29 months since we first made the decision to try and have a life together. I say VERY little to him about what’s happening with his marriage. I try and be supportive of the many things he does for her but there doesn’t seem to be an end to their marriage in sight. I will be honest and say that sometimes what I hear seems very far fetched, and that makes me feel horrible. I’m healthy, own my own home, can take care of the normal responsibilities of life. He took care of her for years. She said he treated her like a Queen, I mean that in the BEST, KINDEST, MOST LOVING way. He did the grocery shopping, helped clean house, did laundry, took care of the house, plumbing, roof, yard etc. Am I suppose to make him go back because she needs him more than I do?
Is it the right thing to do to put Life on hold while she tries to figure out whats happening with her health and figure out how to be independent? What if her health never gets better? What if she doesn’t want to learn how to be independent? Because I Love him do I just continue to wait? Do I just be thankful that I get to share everyday with him and that should be enough?
Sue,
What was the outcome of your relationship?
Sue, I’m going to put your comment as a blog post, since I think it merits a longer answer…
Dear Christie,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for almost 4 months. He’s 50 years old and was married for 15 years and he has been divorced from her for 16 years. They dated in high school for 4 years. They had 3 kids together…they are 20, 25, and 28 now. Two of them are married and the 20 year old and the 25 year old have babies of there own. So they are not kids. My boyfriend said he divorced his wife because she was mean and very jealous…they argued all the time. After they divorced, she became a lesbian. He’s been in a number of relationships since his divorce.
He’s a wonderful boyfriend. He is so nice to me. The only thing that bothers me is his ex wife is always there. She’s on his facebook, she text’s him, calls him, and goes to his place as well. My boyfriend spent Easter dinner at his ex wifes house with the kids and grandbabies. She evidently went to his house yesterday to show him a silver dollar. He took her to the train station when her car didn’t work. She was at his birthday party in January. Etc. He plays it down…says he does not feelings for her and she has no feelings for him. He complains about her if she calls yelling about something. I feel like I’m dating a married man. 🙁 I told him he doesn’t put up any boundaries. He also reminds me she is a lesbian so nothing is going on. Well she must be bi-sexual if she was married to him and had 3 kids. I feel like this woman tries to control him by always being in his life. And he allows it. He probably doesn’t want her to go away. If I tell him that I don’t want her contacting him all the time, he might resent me for that. His kids might not like me because I’m not allowing him and his ex to spend the holidays together. Where does all this leave me? 🙁 I can’t compete with a woman he’s known for 35 years who is the mother of his 3 kids. I only know him 4 months. I really like this guy, I just don’t like the situation with her always contacting him. It’s not even about the kids. HELP! Am I getting into something that that will leave me sad in the long run? What should I say to him?
Michelle,
Thanks for commenting. This is a clear problem that I can’t really solve quickly here. I do offer coaching for women in situations like yours, so please contact me if you’re interested in that.
i am 44 years old, divorced 2 yrs ago from my 15 year marriage from a man who was very controlling (2 incidents of domestic abuse which landed me in the hospital twice) Shortly after my divorce, my college boyfriend of 3 years who I had an amazing relationship and friendship with, contacted me… Truthfully, I always thought about him and the great relationship we had. I had not seen him for 23 years, except for him coming to see me the week before he got engaged. I had not seen him in three years and came to my door out of the blue. He told me he still loved me but once he said he was getting engaged, I told him to leave and never spoke again until 2 years ago. From the first day we saw each other, our relationship has been amazing. Every time we are together, complete strangers comment on what a great friendship and love we have together. Sounds great… but has given me complete heartache. He has been separated as well, living in his own apartment, but has yet to file papers for his divorce. I have two kids, 15 and 12. He has 3 kids 15, 12 and 8. Everytime he says he is going to file, something else comes up… wife’s instability, selling the house, finding a new house for the kids to move into, seeing what this all looks like, basically “following his process”. His career has also plummeted and finances are a big issue. He swears I am the love of his life and wants to share the rest of his life with me. I’ve been (again) with his parents, siblings, friends… yet the wife he is seperated from and kids do not know about me. He said he does not want his wife to know about me because she will try to turn his 3 girls against him. I cant tell you how awful it makes me feel that I am still a secret to them. (He has met my kids several times). In front of everyone else and when we are alone, he makes me feel like the center of his universe, yet I can’t make plans with him hardly ever. He has set no boundaries with scheduling with kids…etc. I feel like I always have to be the one to initiate our time together and some days he contacts me 5 times a day
oops hit send too soon. part 2 – basically some days i feel like the closest person in the world to him, then he may go 2 days without any contact. He has said that he needs to focus on getting to the next step “divorce” and his therapist told him, I should not be in the picture so he can focus on that without the guilt of not feeling he can give me what I deserve right now. I’ve asked him to let me go so he can do what he needs to do. We’ve tried this yet it never seems to work. I miss him terrribly but I know that I need his process to be further along. Bottom line, I dont know if he is still somehow connected to her (although he says he definitely going through with the divorce) or if I need to not be in the picture to give him clarity to do what he needs to do. I can give more specifics of things that have happenned during the past couple years. Any advice you can offer, would be so greatly appreciated. I just want to be happy again
Anon: Sounds like such a painful situation! Your situation is too complex to address here. If you’re interested in coaching, or even a consult, please contact me at drchristiehartman@gmail.com. We can help you deal with this!
It’s such a relief to know that I’m not the only one struggling in divorced relationship land.
I happen to be dating a divorced man and we’ve been together for a year. We met online and since we were in different countries, I accepted his invitation to go and live with him. I agreed because I was in a situation where I lost my house, my job my everything so basically this was a good deal for me. But ever since I arrived and live with him everyday has been a struggle. He has two kids and was married for 19 years. Hi ex is a nightmare (I call her Satan) she’s a control freak and an absolute unpleasant woman. Even though he says he doesn’t love her and can’t stand her but they communicate numerous times a day. He says they talk only about the kids but still numerous times a day is just too much. Worse off the kids don’t like me and they are very rude and disrespectful of me. Every time I try and explain this to him he defends his daughters to the death. It’s always my fault in his eyes. It’s got to the point where I physically dislike these kids and when they come over I find every excuse to escape staying there and when I can’t escape, we’re like prisoners trapped in the same room.
Somehow I am convinced that he’s not really over his ex wife even though he stresses how much he hates her. Like the other day some guy from a bank called and he thought I was the wife so he told me that both he and the ex both recently took out a loan. He needed a loan to pay off his mortgage/credit card debts and his ex wife co-signed for the loan. I confronted him about this and he said it was for the property that they both own but I just let it go because I just couldn’t bear to listen to anymore.
Now I am beyond unhappy because I feel like a third wheel and I feel like I’m dating a married man. The kids never eat when I cook so I stopped cooking for them. They have no discipline and their lack of respect for me is so intolerable. As far as I’m concerned, his kids come first and no matter how much effort I put into this, I will always be number 3 in his life. The problem is I can’t leave him because I have no where to go. I have no family here, I have no friends as it’s awfully hard to make friends in this new country I am in. I also can’t work because I am only on a two year tourist visa which doesn’t allow me to work and so I am completely dependent on this man for my life, which is another reason I am so unhappy because I cannot provide for myself and I have no one else to share my life with here.
Like one person said here, you cannot compete with someone that has been a lover to him for 19 years and is the mother of his kids. His ex- wife left him for her boss and she has a good job and recently got promoted so her salary is like six figures. I can’t compete with that. I have no job, no money, no prospects no nothing.
I desperately want out of this relationship but I am afraid of losing the little bit of security I have. I have considered having an affair but I cant do it because I’m not that kind of person. I have never cheated before and I wont put myself in danger by doing that.
I have now developed serious extreme depression to the point where I attempted suicide but he came in just in the nick of time before I was able to succeed. Everyday all I think about is how best to end my life quickly and painlessly because I have no reason to live. I cannot handle his baggage anymore.
What do I do? there are so many things I want to say but I’m sure you have better things to read. I would just like some words of comfort and wisdom just to help me get through with this.
Thanks.
I am 46 and live in Canada, right near the US border. I am divorced to 2 kids 16 and 20. My boyfirend of 1/2 years lives on the US side of the border. (about 45 minutes drive from me). He is divorced for 4 years after being married for 21. His kids are 19, 22 and 25. My issue is he and his ex-wife are VERY good friends. Have daily ‘check-in’ calls; sometimes about the yougest kid, but mostly just about life. She and him help each other with errands like drives to pick up items, help with her boat, house fixes etc. One time she asks himn to hang up a set od blinds in thier daughters room. This daughter still lives with her mom. They call each other and text almost daily including when they are each of of town on business. They spend July 4th, Thanksgivings etc together at her family’s house with the kids and her side. I have not been invited very oftern (only when I invited myself). I did go it it went ok, but he did’t even introduce me to them. I introduced myself. I have told him I am not comfortable with their closeness. Twice when we have been coming home from vacation the first hing he does when he gets his cell running is to call her and tell her about our holiday (while I am right there). I think it is out of line and disrespectful. He told the kids that I didn’t want him to have a realtionship with her, so since then, when I see them they give me the cold shoulder. It is not true either. I just don’t want them to be SOO close. Being that I don’t live in the same city as them, he seems to use her for his go-to person if he needs his mail picked up, while he is travelling for work, or to give him drivesw to go pick his car, or to-from the airport. It makes we feel hoprrible, but I am stuck, as I love him. I don’t want to invest anymore effort, give up my life here to move down there and eventually marry him, if it stays this way and I am afraid it will never change. He did admit that he ‘filters’ telling me things sometimes about their contact, as to not ruffle my feathers. He left the marriage and since then he has sobered up and he a much nicer person, with a new career that I helped him achieve. I think they both have not ‘moved on’ and are still emotionally married. Thoughts anyone????
Abby, Krystal, sounds like some really, really tough situations. I feel for you and want you to know that you aren’t alone. No one should have to be in relationships that are so difficult. In the end, if you want your situations to change, you will have to change, either by how you choose to handle the situation, or whether you will stay in the situation. And know that I do offer coaching for women in difficult relationships with separated and divorced men, so contact me if that’s something you would like to pursue.
I need some perspective from an outside party. I have been seeing a guy since January. We quickly fell in love. He has been separated for a year and the final paper from the divorce should be in the mail this week. He was married for about 3 1/2 yrs and thy have a 3 yr old daughter. He says they would be friends and do family puttin together and that’s just something I said from the beginning I cannot handle that. I can see being friendly and communicating well for the child but hanging out doing family outings makes me feel very uncomfortable. I understand they need to communicate and that they will be together at her milestones in life it I don’t not understand going on family puttin together. It makes it like they are together without the living together. He feels bad for et because he’s mad that’s since I’ve come around they aren’t close. Before we started seeing each other they were hanging out going to concerts and I just don’t think that’s good for ether how do you move on if you continue like that. I feel like I’m third in line. He’s become my best friend and we both had already pictured our lives together. We’re trying to give each other space to think but today was the most emotional day ever for us both. We love each other so much but the biggest obstacle is how he should be with his ex. Aside from thy everything is good. What do I do?
I have never been married. I am dating a man that is divorced. We are now engaged.
My concern is that the ex-wife does not let their father see the her daughter at our place nor does she let him take her to places outside the house. Thus, he spends the night over there. We have been together for 4 years and I have respected the ex-wife’s decision. She does not want her 11-year old daughter to spend time with me because we are not married and as Christian thinks it bad. Its hard because when she was young she had a child with a man that she was not married to and that daughter gets to see her father all the time and his girlfriend. We live 2 hours away and I am in graduate school so I just don’t have the time to put up a fight and I don’t my fiance to not be able to see his daughter. I know the mother does not have full custody, but my fiance does not want to fight with her either and often gives in. My thoughts now are that he doesn’t respect me either because he doesn’t try to see his daughter outside the house or get a hotel why he visits. I have never dated a man that was divorced so I don’t know the boundaries. She talks to him once a week. He even fixes stuff for her when he is there at the house. He says it saves him money. He is always there for financially too.
It is hard and I am writing because I don’t think I can take it any longer.
Some of these men sound like they are still emotionally attatched to their ex partners and use their kids as excuses to be there for their ex wives, my partner had to tell his ex wife to only call if it was something to do with the children as she was calling every day, even though we have our own baby together now, she still seems to think that she should get priority for their children, my husband is over it and says its time to tell his older children that he loves them and cares for them but that he doesnt want to be close friends with their mum as it actually doesnt do good for the kids like AMY above thinks, I feel that she is just an overpowering person and that she is the one showing jealousy, imagine having a new husband and child and her in the background, she sounds just like my husbands ex wife.
“Some of these men sound like they are still emotionally attatched to their ex partners and use their kids as excuses to be there for their ex wives.”
Linda, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Hi I am 31 dating a man who is 38. He has been divorced once and has a 10 year old child and is supposedly in the middle of his second divorce with a two year old child. He speaks to both wives everyday because they are friends and he has to be there for his children. He is wonderful to me but it really bothers me that when he spends time with his kids these woman are with him for supposed “family days”. We are living together and have been together for over a year. Not sure where to go from here but I am anxious everyday and worried. He tells me to trust him but………. when it comes down to it……… he tells them he misses them and I just don’t know how to react. And I don’t know how to leave him because I love him to much. Any advice on that?
Yes. If you need a guy with no prior attachments, learn how to leave him. You can love another guy too much too. He needs someone who’s more easygoing and secure about past relationships, you need a one-woman man.
I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for almost 5. We both came from long term marriages, I have two daughters, he has no children. My husband has a need to stay connected to his ex wife and his past life. My ex and I respect each other and wish the best for each other and our adult children benefit from this attitude. We are brought together maybe once or twice a year for family gatherings. We are always cordial and I get along just fine with his wife. That is where our connection stops. I have no need or desire to chat it up on the phone with my ex husband and talk about the past as that is exactly what it is-THE PAST. If I needed more contact/interaction with my ex husband I should have stayed married to him, which I didn’t. I have friendships with others and a loving relationship with my daughters and beautiful grandchild.
My husband has repeatedly hurt me and ignored my feelings over the years with his need to conduct his “friendship” with his ex wife. I have attended counseling by myself and with the help of a very good counselor I have come to understand that my feelings are VERY VALID and my husband has some real issues. At the end of the day, he probably should have stayed with the first wife. He was overall pretty content with his life and lifestyle and has really never left his former life in the past. You cant move forward until you let go of the past and unfortunately I have paid the price for my husband’s confusion and immaturity.
Bonnie, I’m with you. Arrogant Amy’s defensive tone has been bugging me all through these comments! But I think you hit the nail on the head: You can’t move forward until you have let go of the past.
It’s not about being an INSECURE person, which is an easy put down. It’s about wanting to have deep intimacy with your partner. It’s great to get along well with your ex. But spending time together on a regular basis and keeping intimacy doors open, with one or many exes, blocks the potential for attaining deep intimacy with someone new.
Of course, not everyone wants deep intimacy. That’s okay. Ultimately, it’s about being on the same page and wanting the same thing.
It is a horrible feeling indeed to know and see the actions of endearment for another person — the ex. You know they will have to interact for the kids, but seeing your significant other take medicine over to their ex and go back and check on them is really crossing the line. Pictures on the computer, going through photo albums are what should have been accomplished before they entered into a relationship. I am still in the relationship with my boyfriend and it is not easy even after a year. Christie was right in that we should have just let them learn that lesson themselves. Easy would be walking away and finding another that wouldn’t have these issues. With that said, stand up for yourself. Set your boundaries of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. They will lie and hide them tell them know you mean business, but I have respect for myself. The day he was going to give me the ring, I felt him sending me to the store. I got to the end of the block and turned around and came back. Sure enough, she was calling back on the phone and he was trying to give the phone to his child and push her out the front door because she was saying “no mommy I didn’t call you twice.” Why?, who knows attachment is my guess, or trying to make her jealous. It does affect everyone, and everyone is fully aware it, so stop doubting yourself. It is insulting to say the least. It makes you feel as if you are going to spend the rest of your life married to him and the ex. I am a beautiful young lady and have a lot going for me. This is not my insecurity and I have told him where my boundaries are. I have to admit the subject doesn’t bite as much as it once did and I am getting some satisfaction with our pre-marriage Christian counselors validating my thoughts and feelings. Especially because it is he pushed for it so I would marry him. I know to trust my instincts with this one. However, to this day he still will not admit to even liking this person- the ex. Where to go from here? The issue remains and always will for the most part because the damage is done. Still sitting on the fence… waiting to see if it will ever stop I guess. I have all the time in the world to make a logical choice on this one. Have any thoughts or ideas on this Christie? How to move forward?
my Girl friend has a 23yr old son who do not live with her and a 17 yr old daughter who lives with her and although my girl friend and her ex husband have joint custidy the daughter is in my girl friends care about 98 percent of the time. My question is, is it normal for my girl friend to allow her ex husband to come to her house to fix things and she does not have a problem with the 17 year old daughter living with her 98 percent of the time eventhough my girl friend and her ex husband have joint custidy of the 17 year old daughter.
I have been divorced exactly one year from a man I loved deeply. It was a second marriage for both of us. We had custody of his deeply damaged children, and dealt with drug , emotional, psychological, and criminal problems with both children for the lion’s share of our twelve-year marriage. In 2010, my stepson(my husband’s son) died of a heroin overdose. Sixonths later, my husband had filed for divorce. I discovered later that he had been seeing another woman for some time. Over the last year , he has been constantly contacting me by text and phone. He has had an on again, off again relationship with the other woman. Three months ago was their latest breakup. I have no intention of relieving our relationship, but I allow the contact. Sometimes I’ve just been worried about him. Other times, I’m curious as to why he needs to contact me. He says he misses me and lives me, but I don’t have those feelings any more. I loil at him and only see the other woman. I lOved him, and wanted to be with him forever, but now never again. I can’t quite tell him to go away. The death if his son was a nightmare, and I do worry. I’m sad and lonely, but I don’t want him back.
This is such a complicated topic for which I don’t have a solution to yet. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2+ years and living together for 1. He has two children with his ex, a 3 yr old daughter and a 2 yr old son. Now, from everything that I have put together and by seeing how things evolved I can tell you that they never really had a loving relationship. He had known the girl since they were kids, went to the same school and both were in the same circle of friends. They got older, she got married, he got married, but things didn’t work out too well for either one.
He enlisted in the army and after going back to his hometown after being in Iraq for 18mths he sees his friend again (the now ex) and “hook up.” This goes on for about 2 months, partying, drinking, “hooking up,” and then she gets pregnant. They both decide to stay together because now there is a kid involved. Things didn’t work out and they decide to separate. Well, before the separation, she finds out she’s preggo again, 6 weeks after giving birth to their daughter. They stay, but of course, not for long. He decided to move out when she’s 6 months pregnant. I met him during this time but did not engage into anything else until a month after the 2nd kid was born.
We began seeing each other but decided it was best to wait because he was also dealing with a very ill parent who ended passing away. We continued our relationship after all this was over and have been together since, 2 years now. The ex constantly calls, texts, and makes threats that he is not going to see his children. She sends him text msgs saying he is nothing but a sperm donor, dead beat father, etc, etc, etc. He has always paid child support and has made every attempt to work with her so he can see the kids but she just seems so angry and jealous. She thinks I’m the reason why he left her, calls me names, says the kids don’t like me, keep in mind that they’re toddlers, and that no REAL woman will come in between her kids and their father. That is not my plan at all. I am a mother and would never do that. I just want her to go away. I want all her negativity to stop because it is damaging my relationship as my boyfriend begins believing everything she thinks of him is true.
Sorry for my long story, just needed to vent.
Dear Christie,
I enjoy reading for blog. I am very much in love with my boyfriend and we do have a wonderful relationship. However, I feel uncomfortable dealing with his ex wife. She is a nice woman, but since she described her love for him, I feel weird, like the love between them could be stronger than what I could ever have with him. Could you give me some light on the subject. Here is what she wrote:
“It is an inexplicable love. A love that transcends norms and values. A platonic love. An unconditional love. A love that many people find strange. The love between my ex-husband and me.
It’s a powerful feeling. An invisible commitment. A contact that transcends the five senses. There is no reproach, no anger, no hatred. Pure unconditional love. He is my buddy. My sober and practical side. If I feel I need advice or just want to spew, then I call him. And if he can help, he does so. Conversely, exactly the same.
For outsiders it is weird. It seems we still have a relationship. Only we do not live together and we do not share bed. For us it feels completely different. All my ex would not talk for weeks or months, then it is good. I talk to him every day, it is also good. There is no commitment, no expectations. Just love.
I’m happy for him that he is happy with his new girlfriend. I am happy even if they show feelings of jealousy. To me that is a sign that she has strong feelings for my ex. She wants to come first, not second place, just behind me. Total understandable and certainly possible. There is no competition. I am not a threat. The love between me and my ex is completely different than the love between them two. I have no need for evening in bed with my ex to crawl. I wish my ex this beautiful woman because I think its fantastic!
That we broke up was painful, but ultimately very loving. So we could both grow and develop ourselves. He went his way, I mine. The love remains. It is a beautiful love. Perhaps a spiritual love. A love where I am incredibly grateful for. But contrary to my desire for a love relationship.
For that kind of relationship I want a deep intimacy on all fronts. Fireworks, passion and physical attraction. Profound discussions on various subjects. Inspiration for my work. Fancy things to discover. Of enjoying life, boundaries to find and roller coaster feelings. A whole list, but to me perfectly acceptable. Why would I settle for less?”
Dear Christie,
I enjoy reading your blog. I am very much in love with my boyfriend and we do have a wonderful relationship. However, I feel uncomfortable dealing with his ex wife. She is a nice woman, but since she described her love for him, I feel weird, like the love between them could be stronger than what I could ever have with him. Could you give me some light on the subject. Here is what she wrote:
“It is an inexplicable love. A love that transcends norms and values. A platonic love. An unconditional love. A love that many people find strange. The love between my ex-husband and me.
It’s a powerful feeling. An invisible commitment. A contact that transcends the five senses. There is no reproach, no anger, no hatred. Pure unconditional love. He is my buddy. My sober and practical side. If I feel I need advice or just want to spew, then I call him. And if he can help, he does so. Conversely, exactly the same.
For outsiders it is weird. It seems we still have a relationship. Only we do not live together and we do not share bed. For us it feels completely different. All my ex would not talk for weeks or months, then it is good. I talk to him every day, it is also good. There is no commitment, no expectations. Just love.
I’m happy for him that he is happy with his new girlfriend. I am happy even if they show feelings of jealousy. To me that is a sign that she has strong feelings for my ex. She wants to come first, not second place, just behind me. Total understandable and certainly possible. There is no competition. I am not a threat. The love between me and my ex is completely different than the love between them two. I have no need for evening in bed with my ex to crawl. I wish my ex this beautiful woman because I think its fantastic!
That we broke up was painful, but ultimately very loving. So we could both grow and develop ourselves. He went his way, I mine. The love remains. It is a beautiful love. Perhaps a spiritual love. A love where I am incredibly grateful for. But contrary to my desire for a love relationship.
For that kind of relationship I want a deep intimacy on all fronts. Fireworks, passion and physical attraction. Profound discussions on various subjects. Inspiration for my work. Fancy things to discover. Of enjoying life, boundaries to find and roller coaster feelings. A whole list, but to me perfectly acceptable. Why would I settle for less?”
Hi Christie,
I am a divorced woman who started dating a separated/divorcing man about a year ago. I had known him for a long time through work, but we did not start a romantic relationship until after he was separated. At the time we started dating he had just filed for divorce and was still living with his ex due to financial reasons (but they were sleeping in separate rooms).
His ex has refused to acknowledge the divorce agreement.
Our relationship progressed quickly from the start and within the first month we decided to move in together. Everything felt so “right” with him, that I was willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance. His ex-wife was very angry when he informed her that he was moving out and even angrier that he was moving in with me. She questioned my sanity and mandated that I was not to see the children. So he goes to her house 4 to 5 days/nights a week to spend time with the kids.
I handled the majority of the bills for our living expenses. He pays her a very generous weekly support (twice as much as his lawyer thought would be necessary).
At first I was willing to accept this type of arrangement, because I truly love him in a way I never knew was possible… but over time it has taken it’s toll and caused me to be quite insecure about our relationship.
I know he is in regular communication with his ex, but all of that communication takes place when I am not around… he never answers her calls when I am present. I know he texts and emails her often, but again I know nothing about it.
He spends time at the house with her and the kids… having dinners together and putting the kids to bed…. I feel like he has two lives and I am only a part of one of them. For the first few months he actually spent nights at the house to help the kids transition.
His ex is also still communicating with all of his family members… she sends emails and pictures all the time.
Recently I found out that he paid half for a new bedroom set for one of his children, which struck me odd given that he pays so much support… it is not like she will be helping us furnish the kids rooms in our home (if and when that occurs).
And more recently I found out that he was planning a day for the two of them to take the children to an amusement park together.
I am not sure how to handle this moving forward. I used to feel impowered in my relationships, and now I am starting to feel like a mistress. I know that sounds crazy, considering the ex is very well aware of my existence… but to be so far removed from his life really creates a high level of anxiety on my part.
Hi Christie
I have been married to a divorced man for 6 years. He has more contact with his ex wife than with me. He works away 6. Months of the year. He supports her in ways that does not seem normal. He has got furious with me before for asking questions concerning his ex and children. He has lied on several occasions or hidden fact that he sends them for holidays. They have been divorced for 14 years. 3 years ago he bought her a new car. She defrauded a company and he paid. He still received petrol and credit cards in Mrs name on his account. Allot of people have told me I am naive and need to wake up. He always uses an excuse that he does it for kids who by the wAy is not at home. What disturbs me the most is that neither of them have any regard for my existence and she treats him like a piece of dirt. Also I was not aloud to go with when he saw his kids for 2 years until I insisted. Now I sit in the car. My heart is breaking. I lost my first husband and father of my now 11 yr old through heart attack 9 yes ago He thought me to love unconditionally I don’t know how much more I can take. Any advice will be appreciated.
Hi Christie
i was involved with a man 20+ years ago and turned down his marriage proposal. he got engaged a couple of weeks after i turned him down & married a few months later. he was separated for 2 years & has recently got divorced (8+ months ago) & has a 19+ year old son. he got back in contact with me but he still stays in the same house (supposedly separate rooms) and says it is coz’ of the son. neither he nor his ex have bothered to speak to the son about the divorce but the son is aware of the divorce, albeit, in the 2nd / 3rd person context from their constant conflict. his ex expects him to continue playing the husband role and threatens dire consequences if he leaves. she refuses to accept the divorce. he has asked me to marry him but because he continues to stay in the same house and does not seem to recognise that his son is a young adult and treat him as such, i am bemused by his, what i consider abnormal & illogical behaviour. moreover she loathes the fact that he is with me once again. his ex also constantly tries to entice him sexually and manipulates him coz’ he is attached to his son. needless to say it upsets me very much. he talks to me daily using me as his punching bag for what he says is an untenable and unbearable situation for him. we are in a long distance relationship. i don’t see any reason why he continues to stay in the house instead of having moved out long ago. it seems to me that he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. he does not call me when in the house nor wants me to call him as she flies into a rage. i have given him all the support, understanding and empathy that i possibly can but it is now becoming untenable for me to stay in this, what i consider now to be, a “half baked relationship” going no where. he visits my city once a year and when he returns to his city, goes back and stays in the house. this is totally unacceptable to me. when i tell him i’m calling off the relationship with him, he does not accept it. he does not seem to be able to draw a clear line in the sand. this constant stress is taking a toll on my health. any advice will be appreciated.
There have been a large number of comments on this post – clearly this is a subject that resonates with many women. I don’t want to see all of you in such difficult, painful situations. Here is my take: when you date a man – ANY man, divorced or not – you have to examine whether you’re content in the relationship or not, whether he meets your basic needs or not. If a man chooses to put you second to his problems or his ex, or to keep one foot in his past marriage, he’s made his choice. It’s a bad choice in many cases, but it’s his choice. You have a choice too – to stick around and accept what he has to offer, or to leave and find a guy who can offer you something better. Yes, there are guys out there who have cut the cord with their exes and have their “baggage” under control. Say the situation isn’t meeting your needs, and move on.
Christie,
if your post above is in response to my earlier post, thanks but, then please explain to me :
* why he keeps telling me he loves me and does not want to lose me
* why does he vent all his frustrations, anger and rage on me every time she goes belligerent on him and expects me to understand and support him……never apologising for it
* why he abuses her to all who will give him a ear
* he initiated the divorce.
* his family & friends know about the divorce and about our relationship. however, she has not disclosed this fact to her family and continues to behave like she is still in a marriage
* says he in staying in the house coz’ of his son as he does not want his son to experience & endure the trauma & misery he supposedly was, and is still being subjected to
* why he treats his adult son as a 5 year old …. still literally doing things for him as a parent would do for a 5 year old which has caused his son to be totally incapable (or pretending to be) of doing anything for himself when he is around. however, when he is travelling, the son & mother live a perfectly normal life doing things for themselves with no problem whatsoever.
* otherwise, the son is a straight A student
* is it his need to be needed ? is this his fix for him that makes him feel validated that people seem to be dependent on him ?
* i have often times told him to clear his plate & baggage and if he wants me, to come to me on a clean plate. he counters that he has “no crap or baggage on his plate to clean” and that he is only there coz’ of his son, which i honestly feel is ridiculous given that the son is an adult, though seemingly totally incapable of behaving & conducting himself as an adult
* from where i stand, both the ex & the son are manipulating him with emotional blackmail and he is giving into it. mind you, he is no saint either.
* he was the one that pursued me…..so, why should i have to tolerate this mental, emotional & psychological abuse from him.
* he talks about their emotions involved but seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that i have emotions too.
* why did he tell his family that he is so happy that we are back together and that he can’t wait to start our life and will be very happy with me once this mess is over
* why did he twice tell his family of his intentions to marry me before even asking me
* why does he not just let me go when i call it off ? is this some kind of narcissistic behaviour ?
* if he wanted to continue with his existing life, albeit one of misery & constant conflict, why did he get divorced in the first place ?
* why was he the sweetest while trying to get me and then change into this persona later…..a Jekyll & Hyde character
* seems to me a very disturbed, destructive and dysfunctional set up to which i do not want to be a part of
Christie, am i being too hard in my assessment or am i right, given that i am getting the short & rough end of the stick here.
value your thoughts….. and thanks !
Hi Christie
this rings so true for my case. am in a relationship with a divorced man with a soon to be 20 yr old adult son who is in uni but stays in the house. father is still staying in the house with ex using his son as the excuse for this. father has a paranoid obsession with his son & does everything for him …. he has him wrapped around his little finger i.e. from waking him up, making his b’fast, driving him to the station which is a 5 minute walking distance from the house, waiting till the train arrives, makes lunch & dinner for him, heats it, plates it & hands it over to the son. if the dad has gone out, son does not eat and then when asked, tells the dad no. so dad warms up and serves him irrespective of the time of night. dad has to do all the uni shopping as the son does nothing, not even go with him for his own college needs. the son does no household chores or anything else for that matter. just goes to uni and comes back, locks himself in his room with his headphones on, sits in front of the computer and spends the whole day. he is not interested in learning how to drive, nothing. his ex uses the son as a pawn to blackmail & ransom to hold the dad hostage so that he won’t leave. son supposedly does not know who to call or where to go in the event of an emergency as neither parent have bothered to train him accordingly nor has he bothered to learn anything himself. now, either he is a complete manipulative, conniving individual or is just plain useless and a misfit, or both. this info is given to me by the dad himself who speaks bad language about the ex. i find it extremely difficult and ridiculous to accept this behaviour from an adult and when i talk to the father that he needs to treat and level with his son as an adult and not a 3 yr old, he gets extremely aggressive and angry with me. they do not even share a friendship, but rather just a mere father / son relationship. they cannot & are unable to conduct regular guy dialogues with each other. i don’t know whether this dysfunction has been inherent over the years or borne from guilt coz’ of the divorce but it has created a huge wedge in our relationship. it seems very evident that the son does not want his father to be with me and so behaves in this totally incapable manner to send his father on a guilt trip. this is instigated by the ex & is also of his own doing. i have never witnessed with family, friends or even new first time mothers this kind of sick unhealthy obsession between parent & child…let alone one who has attained adulthood & a man at that. the father does not even push him to be self sufficient but infact enables him with everything. incidentally, he is a clever student. neither parent seems to have prepared him for the world out there but infact has rather sabotaged his natural development & growth. his father considers him a paragon of virtue who can do no wrong. what baffles me is why as a young adult male he is not wanting to get his wings and fly like every other young adult, male or female. when i want to break it off and tell him so, he accuses me of not understanding subjecting me to verbal, emotional & psychological abuse and says that i don’t accept his son. i am an independent, self sufficient and self reliant woman so this type of leech dependency totally turns my stomach. i lost my father as a child but was brought up to learn the benefits of self reliance and independence from my mother, who became a young widow.
Christie, is this kind of paranoid possessive & obsessive behaviour normal between a father & son ? it is completely risking our relationship to breaking point as i cannot stomach this anymore. is this relationship worth rescuing as i cannot see this behaviour stopping any time soon.
Leave this situation, it will not get better, only worse. Both the father and son are co- dependent on one another. There are other men out there that are available. Leave this man alone. He will only continue to bring more headaches and unnecessary drama to your life.
This is an interesting article and gives me a bit of insight most of which I understand. I am a woman who has been divorced for 2 years now and have a working relationship with my ex. We speak regularly about work (and my son but mainly work). We were married for 14 years and lived together for almost 20. I understand how easy it is to let the ease of having someone you know so well do things for you, share things with you etc. I chose to set boundaries immediately especially for my son.
My situation is so awkward because my current boyfriend lives with his ex and kids. It is a financial situation but it is going on about a year and I feel completely at a loss as to what to do. This does not seem normal and it is quite awkward. I don’t even think its healthy for the kids especially since they are older. Am I wrong? I just don’t see any motivation for a move out.
Any opinions or advice on this?
I say if the guy and his ex want to get back together, get out of the way! I am very pro-marriage. Children want to see their parents together. Boyfriends/girlfriends need to get out of the picture.
Wait, he’s still living with his ex? No. I mean forget what it means for the kids, that their parents’ business. That’s no good for you. If he can get his shit together, and get out on his own, okay, but…I just don’t see how this is good for you. Are you waiting for the day when they decide they’re patching things up, or what?
Frankly, if they can stand each other well enough to live together, and they’ve got kids, they’d be crazy to want to split for real. Staying together’s cheap, it’s good for the kids, it makes raising children much less punishing than it often is for single parents…I mean basically they’re married but they can go have romance on the side. It’s an open marriage and you’re the girl on the side. People who really want out of marriages, and need out, find ways out.
Thank you all for posting your experiences. I am recently separated after a 20+ year marriage and just debating whether to call my ex on his birthday. There are no other people involved in our split, we just wanted different things and he decided his needs were more important than finding a compromise together.
You have all given me an insight into what my future relationships might look like and I have to say it doesn’t fill me with excitement, mostly full of other people’s baggage. It has also made me realise that through continuing a relationship of any type with my ex will hinder both our chances of having successful partnerships with other people. Maybe that’s why this happens, because people don’t want their ex-partner for whatever reason but don’t want anyone else to have them either.
Even though we have adult children they are still hurting over the split and I think it is just totally confusing for them if we continue having a relationship together. The person who said they kept in touch with their partner and then it diminished greatly after finding a new partner I think has it right. If you want to talk to your ex every day I wonder if you are just putting the pain of splitting on hold instead of dealing with it and moving past it (I hope!) It is probably too soon for me to know properly as I am just getting through each day one at a time and the pain is terrible. I know it will be alright one day and I have to let my ex go in order to achieve this.
I’m currently dating a man who is filling for divorce. Everything has been pretty smooth until recently that many issues are broke out. There is often me trying very hard to understand why is that necessary to maintain the family even after divorce. Indeed one of the above article is right, he want to be the “Divorced Husband” to provide the lost of the family. However, when i understand correctly, it seems that he still has the intention to be have close intimates with the wife (poligamy) with the reason that this is for the good of the kids where the need to see the “daddy and mummy” are still in good term.
My argument are when a relationship does not work out should it be left behind and why need to bring forward to the new relationship? As a girlfriend its does disturb me mentally.
Does the my partner need to have the constant contact with his ex to the extend of business partnership? Does this mean that he has not let go of the family?
Please help.
Hi Christie I am 40 yrs old woman, got divorce eight yrs back and do not have any child. I was single for past seven and half year. Recently I have come to know a man 47, divorced withmy a 17 years old son. The son is living with his ex. I am in love with this man who is a very caring and decent person. But he never likes to answer any question related to his divorce or contact with his son. He only says he is on friendly terms with the son. Given the age difference, lack of clarity on what went wrong in his past relationship and his present relationship not only with son but with his ex, I wonder what should I do? I very much want to have my own kid too, I never feel comfortable raising this topic with him. On the other hand he is so loving, I do not want to let him go for any misunderstanding please HELP
Hi Christie,
It is so good to read some of these comments, as I am in a similar position. I have been living with my boyfriend for 18 months, and he has been separated from his wife for just under 2 years. They have been together for 20 years. He has 3 kids who live with his ex, and they live 3 hours drive away, so when he sees them every other weekend, he has to stay in the house, which I hate. When he is there, apart from sleeping in separate rooms, they basically act like a married couple, go shopping together and take the kids out together. He does ALL the DIY for the house. He seems to be doing it out of guilt for leaving his wife (he left her for me). She’s a mobile hairdresser so earns little. He pays for everything, and they still have a joint bank account. He states it is just for convenience, but to me it is a reluctance to sort things out, or laziness. He is about to start divorce proceedings, but she has no interest in divorcing him whatsoever. He actually started the relationship with me behind her back (I know this is terrible, but these things happen) but she seems to bear no grudge or malice at all, and I’m sure she’d take him back if he offered (which he won’t, he’s totally besotted with me). I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to divorce him – if my man cheated on me he’d be thrown out! I guess she is worried about financial matters. Luckily the 3 kids are great, they accepted me immediately and seem totally unnaffected by their parents separation. I just hate the fact that my boyfriend and his ex get on so well, and I know it seems horrible but I wish they hated each other!! I can’t wait for the divorce to be granted – this might be just what she needs to move on, and what he needs to stop behaving like her husband.
Omg Emma, please update us. You are so patient…poor you. I really don’t know why we woman endure so much. My psychiatrist told me it comes back to your past. My mother was the same and it’s like I follow the same pattern and only chose men who do not respect me. I need to be someone’s true love…and one and only. We woman think we have met prince charming and turns out they are not so much and we are in disbelief…men that totally respect woman are out there…hopefully!!!
I have a situation I’m not sure I’m comfortable with. The guy I’m seeing drives 8 hours many weekends a month to see his older children (17 and 20) and stays at his ex’s house in her bed. She supposedly sleeps on the couch. He is also a part of her family, so if there’s a birthday of a sister’s husband, he goes down for that too. He also travels a lot for work. What bothers me most is they don’t know I exist (8 months) and he won’t call me or text me from their house – only from the road. Meanwhile I stay home alone – which I’m OK with cuz I have a life lol, but have lost my connection with him because he’s gone so much. The most recent trip was 2 weeks and I got only 3 texts that said “going to beach”, “playing video games” until he got the the airport, then he called. Thanks!
You don’t need any body to tell you what to do, cause you already know. The mere fact that the situation is making you very uncomfortable and sad, you know you ought to get out of it. plus after 8 months you haven’t met his children and he is still sleeping with his ex, regardless of what he tells you, they are sleeping together.
Follow your gut and run and don’t look back.
Thanks Devi! And thanks for this site! I brought it up last nite & he said it was sorta complicated & uncomfortable sharing personal life stuff w his ex & older children. I told him I feel like the other woman. Later in the evening he joked that it must feel kinda exciting being the other woman. Are u kidding me??
I was wondering why my ex-husband does not want and communication with me. He told me he wanted to be civil and remain friends and now he is seeing a psychiatrist and repeats I do not want to communicate with you at this time. He has health issues and I took care of him for 10 years. He told me he has new health issues and he needs to get stronger. He wants to move on and cannot if he talks to me. I guess I do not get it.
What I do not understand is the woman who didn’t want the man anymore, but now won’t get the hell out of the way?? One month before our wedding, his ex called him crying. Begging him not to marry me, and to give her one more chance. Please keep in mind she was engaged to another man at that time too!!
Since we began dating I have dealt with midnight text messages, phones calls at 1 or 2am (her now husband is a cop on 3rds so he has no idea she is still shady as ever), and emails. She has attacked me because I have an ex husband and told my husband he will lose his relationship with God if he stays with me?!!? What really?? Says the cheating ex wife – who is clearly not being faithful to her new husband either! She has attacked my children. My children are teenagers and she has made them out to be satan — mind you, she has never met my children! She has told their kids, that my daughters are bad influences and to not associate with them. My husband gets told how their son looks like him and how hard it is to see their son because it just makes her miss him. Really?! Then maybe you should have kept your pants up and legs down! He gets text messages at midnight of pictures of their kids. What woman – who doesn’t have an ulterior motive – send pics of her kids at midnight?? Pics that were clearly taken in the light of day, but lets wait until he is in bed with his current wife to interrupt them. She is unbelievable!!
Mind you, I’m clearly as ex wife. I have never done this to my ex husband. As a matter of fact after 15 yrs of being married to him, when his brother passed, I sent my condolences to the family, flowers but did not attend the service. It was his NEW wife’s place to be at his side without me making her uncomfortable. So I know that being a crazy ex wife is a choice!
So she makes the choice to be a crazy ex wife, but does my husband put his foot down? Does he tell her this is ridiculous, out of line and inappropriate?? No. No. No. No, he doesn’t. He says he doesn’t invest in her emails, calls, or texts. He just lets her say what she wants and moves on. What I want him to do is tell her it’s done. Tell her to back off. But he won’t. Says he doesn’t want confrontation and as long as her efforts are not affecting his love for me, it shouldn’t matter. It does matter though.
For instance my husband is having some health issues. She caught wind of this and spent 10 mins telling him how she will help him etc. It is NOT her place anymore to help. If she wants to help, she will realize she is married to someone else and to butt out of our personal lives. None of her contacts are about the kids. She just won’t let go of my husband and I’m so frustrated my husband won’t tell her too. Leaves me feeling second chair to his past…..
I a m divorced for seven years now, I live by my self after all my children have moved to schools out of
my state,their Dad was out of the country with the troops stay in the same house with me,he has no
place else to stay in, I wanted to help him because there is no any kind of Romance or love towards me,but my question is Why di he want to be in the same house with me at this point?? Please reply to me as soon as you get a chance.
Hi Ladies, how are you all? I have a question and I hope you can give me an advise?..
I’m dating a divorce man he was married for 19yrs! We’ve been dating for 2 yrs now, is it normal for him to go and stay at ex-wife house look after the kids for one week cuz the wife is going away interstate regarding job?? I ask my man to maybe take his 2 kids to my place and look after them at my place but he said they’ll be more comfortable in their house as their thing are all in there and their school stuff etc! I just want to know if this is normal or not because its effecting me…
Thank you heaps in advance! Lou
Thank you for all the info. Made me understand my Boyfriend so much better of not letting go and playing the role of a Divorced Husband. I couldn’t understand why he fixed up the whole house of his ex wife, that has a live-in boyfriend. I told him to show the new boyfriend how do do things in the house and let him finish it and be the man of the house, but apparently the boyfriend is not able to(2left hands) how convenient for the Divorced Husband to continue with his role that fills him with pride and accomplishment.And i always thought, and him too, it feels good to help 🙂
I will share this article with him to help him to let go and possibly go on with our relationship and be real friends with the ex, but not fulfilling the Divorced Husband role!
Hey ladies, I could really use some advice on the situation I am in with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 7 months and things are going great so far. What I want to know is if I am making a big deal out of something and if I should even bring it up? So he is divorced, they have been separated for about two years, the divorce was finalized in January of this year. He has been completely up front an honest about everything from the beginning. What makes me uneasy is that his ex wife contacted him and made it sound like she was going to commit suicide. That she wasn’t doing very well and had just been dumped and wanted him back. He then contacted his ex wife’s mother in law telling her what was going on and that she needed to speak with her daughter.
I have no problem with how he handled the situation and he told me about it. What is bugging me is that she comes out of no where and says all of this like they are best friends and she wants him to comfort her. I am trying to understand where she is coming from but I just can’t, she cheated on him while they were married and now she comes crawling back?
I have never been married before so I do not have the best insight. He also still has bills in her name (like the cable bill) that bugged me as well. Am I making a big deal out of little stupid things?
My husband’s ex-wife sends pictures of their son through her cell phone a couple of times a day. She texts him and calls him a lot to share with him things about their son. Part of me thinks that is great that her can see what his son is up to. Yet another part of me thinks it is too much.
I have a few questions. Ive been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years. when we got together he said he was in the process of a divorce 6 months later I ask about it and find that he’s done absolutly nothing and they arent even legally seperated. then I found pictures of them together and asked him to get rid of them, then I found more pictures and more pictures and when I think theyre gone I find more pictures (some of them kissing)… they do have a son together and some of them are his son and her. He says he strongly dislikes her because she cheated on him and thats the main reason they split. then he told me about 8 months into our relationship that the divorce was in process and then I find out 4 months later that he still hadnt done anything. the way I found out was she had a baby (not his) and we had to go to the hospital and sign paperwork saying he wasnt the father. now about a week ago I find pictures of her and her son in the bathtub with her f****** boobs hanging out…. what is he thinking!?! am I being used or played? I just dont understand. I dont do that. I dont have pictures of ex’s. He says he loves me but how can I believe him? Now been together for 1.5 years and still no divorce yet! he also says everytime “I didnt know the pictures were there” and Ive found pictures on the computer, albums, in his car and in draws at our house (which isnt the house they lived in together) I just wanna know if he’s either lieing, still in love with her or if he’s really that f******* stupid!!!!??? help please
i have a fiance who is already divorced for 9 years..his ex wife was already married 9 years ago and they have 3 grown kids now the eldest is 23 and youngest is 19. i’ve been thinking if he is already over his past because he was so attached to his ex fam… i mean not including the children..the children lived with their mom..what i’ve noticed was every chance that he gets..like a week vacation..he always wants to visit his children and stayed in the house of his ex wife…is that okay? or is he not over with his past relationship with his ex wife or is he not over yet with his divorced issue..he said they were really good friends with his ex..i remember 1 time when he visits his children..the whole family went camping together with the ex wifes fam ( mother, father and siblings) and he also joined them camping and he said he just wants to spend time with the kids before he leaves. Im so confused… i dont know if its right that he still doing this…im thinking maybe thats why because he hasn’t been married yet because he can’t let go of his past… please give me some advice…I am so confused.and im not happy with it.. i dont know what to do? should i break up with him or not…He always say he loves me and I am now his priority. Please give me some advice..thanks
My girlfriend is trying to go through a divorce and has 1 older child with me and 2 younger with her husband. she says she is scared of him one minute and yet she waits by the phone all day waiting for his 100 messages. she is now upset at me because i mentiond this to her in a calm way. so needless to say im in the dog house. and when they message eachother its not about the kids or the devorce
my man keeps telling me that he loves me and im his number one and we are planning on getting married on top of having another child.i am feeling un eazy about my mans ex wife because she keep putting on facebook that she has had conversation with her about them getting back together.and she keeps saying how she loves him and how he will be coming home to her. he says he don’t want her and she is crazy she says on facebook that she is single one minute then in love with my man the next.im confused and should i worry.
I am so very grateful people are willing to share their stories. It only validates my own personal feelings about what’s happening in my own life. I have been with a man for the last 7 months he had a very open relationship which his ex due to their son similar to a lot of stories read he would stay at her house when she would go to work and they had dinners together with their son for family time talk everyday share pictures. I told him it doesn’t seem like he’s over her!!! That its confusing for their son and that he is still having a relationship with her as if they were married just with out sex and pysical touch. Then he gets all defensive and says I’m being jealous which I’m NOT! I have three children and two ex husbands and I don’t share pictures of the kids on my time or talk to them everyday. This whole situation with him and her makes me sick. I get that they have a 6 year old but he doesn’t need to be sharing pictures of OUR vacation with their son to her period!!!! She wanted the address to where we are staying for the weekend and the worst part is that when we have his son for the weekend he completely disconnects from me and she calls twice a day or more. We were suppose to go out of town for Thanksgiving and his ex was going to have their son well now he is going to be going as it should seem great I really don’t want to have to deal with the everydays of her and being out of town with his family. I have on many occations told him how I feel and yet he either gets defensive or tells me I need to stop. Well honestly I won’t stop because I think she and him both communicate to much and it’s worse when we have their son. Pictures of him on our weekends are MY memories not HERS!!!! The fact that he shares to much with her and is unwilling after all this time to change the behaviorism leaves me with the choice to either except this or not. I did not choose to have a relationship with her and the fact that he can’t even respect my feelings in the matter tells me he’s not my one!!!! I really wish he would see the fact that this ex of his has been a pain in the ass. She refilled paper work on him because of a situation and really drug him through the ringer and I have been there to pick up his spirits. He talks about how much he despises her and everything she has done to him yet they act like nothing has happen and their great friends. I have had enough. I would rather end the relationship then deal with this roller coaster for the rest of my life.
Jessica, It’s sound like he’s living a double life!!!! Honestly I would get out while you can. Love can defiantly cloud our judgement. He sounds like he’s still fully comminuted to his past. He’s having his cake and eating it too!!! I imagine the whole thing is stressful as we would like to believe in time people will change and over come it sounds like if you except this as part of your relationship with him as long as your in a relationship with him it will be this way. It’s probably not what you want to hear but the truth is she hasn’t let go of him and he obviously loves the attention from it and your a innocent bystander. Be true to you and demand more because I’m sure your worth more then what this guy is offering. Best of luck.
FB can truly be the Devils work. You know there are women out there that do try to sabotage the ex when they find out their happy and in a new relationship but their are men out their that love all they attention they get from all their exes. That if you confronted their ex wife or ex girlfriend you may find that yes in fact they are playing the field. I truly believe a man will create a barrier to make you believe he wants nothing to do with his ex and he creates it so that you have no connection to her which keeps his story straight. When in fact you should probably ask her to meet for lunch!!!! Like I said yes there are some women out their who are just plain crazy. Then there are the other women who say these things because that’s what their being told to them!!! Go to the source and your likely to get the truth!!!! Oh and by the way it’s not him it’s her you want to ask the questions too!!!
I just broke up with my separated man two weeks ago and am wondering if I made a huge mistake . We dated almost five years. He is my best friend and I fell in love with him over and over again, which is why I stayed for so long. All of the problems we have stem from his not filing for divorce. He has a son, which I have not met. It was my idea to keep our lives separate until he filed. So he has not met my family, I have not met his. I have also not been to his home as his wife drops by as she pleases. We have discussed marriage and starting our own family when the time is right. We agreed to cease being sexually active because he failed to file at an agreed deadline. He has not tried to pressure me even though its been a year and a half. He says he wants only me, I have no reason to think he is lying. He still has not filed due to financial issues, he was laid off three times while we were together. I love this man very much and want things to work out but am tired of waiting. I dont expect his divorce to go smoothly as his wife is quite volitale. She has harrased me and threatened to try have me arrested for adultery in the past (she only does this when she is angry with him). She has never given any indicat they are really together or that she wants him back. (She moved out 2 years before I met him and later had another mans baby.) He has never been anything but kind and loving toward me and says he just needs to get the money together. We broke up because I feel like things will never change. My mind tells me I am being foolish but my heart says to be patient. I want him and think we could make it work. Should I try to get back together with him?
I totally understand where everyone is coming from. I have been with my my boyfriend for 7 months. We moved in together in June and at the end of October I told him to move back into the house with his kids. He was always going over there to spend time with them and she was always there too. He is not divorced or legally separated either. When he left he left everything in the house the same saying that he didnt want his kids to be affected. He spent 13 hours over their for his birthday, who does that??? He finally had his kids come to our place while I was in NJ visiting my parents. Whie i was there he asked if I would get upset if she (his wife) came over with the boys. UPSET of course I would be upset that is our home she has no right there. Again it was because it was what his kids wanted so he went against my wishes and then got upset with me!!! They never came back over after that and I kept saying that his boys needed to start coming to our place even if I couldnt be there. He allows his kids to run his life. They wouldnt do anything with him unless mommy could go to, thats what they would say to him. It is not healthy for them to keep seeing the 2 of them together, he disagreed with me on everything. Now he is back in the house staying in their spare bedroom or at least that is what he tells me. He says he loves me more than anything and wants to continue to be with me. He has also told me that his wife knows all of this. That she has even told him that she knows that he is in love with me. If she truly wanted him to be happy she would have told him no when he told her he wanted to move back and stay in the spare room. I know that myself as a woman if my husband said he was going to continue to live in our house but stay in the spare bedroom and continue to see his girlfriend, I would of told him hell no!!!! I am having a really hard time dealing with all of this. I have no doubts that he loves me and I love him more than anything, I just wish he would understand how unhealthy this is for his children. I am going to try and hang in there its just really hard knowing that he is in that house with her. He claims he is only there for his kids. I feel in the end he is only going to cause more damage in the end than good by his choices. In life its easy to know what the right thing to do is, whats hard is doing the right thing!!!!
Im so confused right now on what to…Started dating my boyfriend at the first of August about a month before his divorce was to be final. We have a history-dated in high school-and reconnected on facebook after his wife filed for divorce. He moved in with me after the divorce was final and the ex wife decided she wanted him back and started putting pressure. When we first started dating he said it was completely over with them but after she started putting pressure he admitted that he had unresolved feelings for her. He packed up and left about a month ago, saying he was confused and knew he wasnt giving me 100% and needed time to figure things out. Well of course he went straight back to her. He started texting me the same night he left telling me he’d come right back home if i’d ask him too. But I didnt. I told him he needed to figure out his feelings and leave me alone until he did. I ignored his calls and texts for a couple days until I finally broke down and spoke to him. He asked to come and I told him he could only if he was prepared to completely break ties with her. They have no children together but theres step children involved, 12 and 21. He came back home for two weeks and things were better than ever, until the first fight, I caught him on the phone and told him if he was talking to her he could leave and he did. Went back to her again-has been there the past week over Thanksgiving. Of course hes asking to come again (now that the holidays are over) and I told him he could but this was his last chance-if he left again Id never speak to him again. He said he knew what he wanted and it was me-probably telling her the same thing tho. Am I doing the right thing by letting him come back so soon? Should I make him wait? He seems very determined to come back but whos to say he wont leave again? He tries to turn it around on me because I told him to leave but thats because he was still communicating with her.
you all need to read He is just not into you book you will never doubt yourself again about your gut feelings or men. PLEASE read and no I have no connections to the author.
Need some advice. I’m in a relationship/living with my partner who is divorced after 14 years of marriage. He has been separated/divorced for a total of 5 years. He says he is no longer in love with her however I know there is a love for her as the mother of his 3 children (which I totally understand).This woman cheated on him with his best friend, became a drug addict, had one child (which she lost custody of), and is about due with another and has come in and out of the lives of their 3 children, which he has custody of. She was recently released from jail, after serving 3 months for meth charges. Prior to her jail term, she was allowed to stay at their home from time to time as he felt sorry for her that she had no other place to turn. In the meantime, I have entered the picture. He says he is over her, loves me, and is in love with me yet continues to play taxi for her, run errands, and such. She has put him through helll and back but I wonder if he will ever be able to cut the cord to her other than that attached to the children.
Coming from a mans perspective…
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about 11 months now. We moved in with each other about 3 months ago, and are planning on moving out of our apartment and into a bigger home because she has a 5 year old son. She only has him on the weekends, or when the father gets tired of him on weekdays, but he’s become too curious to stay in a one bedroom apartment.. I love them both. But it’s seems I grow more and more weary everyday, and her communication with her ex has really gotten to me… There’s a huge amount of trust issues in our relationship. It started rocky, as we met and kicked it off as she was exiting a relationship… But things got worse when the biological father came back into the situation after she left the guy she came to me for — I took her and her son on a weekend trip to the beach, all expenses paid, and we had a great time. Two weeks after we got back, I noticed the father had become ever more present in her life… Sending her pictures of her son, texting her 20+ times a day, calling her to go out on weekends, etc.. I questioned her multiple times, and made it clear that I realized he wanted her back. She denied it, and I trusted her unfortunately. Within that month, he shows up at the apartment as if he lived there. He asked me if her and I were just friends because he was starting to notice I was “around more often”. I told him we were dating, and he quickly let me know that they had been sleeping together for a few weeks. This was obviously a terrible day once we both confronted her with what we just found out, but she wanted to be with me and said she was very confused and was sorry for what she had done. I forgave her… The dad started threatening her about visitations with her son, and calling her a whore and he wanted to take her back to court. It was all to scare her into coming back to him… We stuck through it, and I fought for her and her son. Things have been okay, but now she wants to spend holidays, including upcoming Christmas with the father and his family. She says it’s because she wants to be where her son is, but she makes no attempt at picking him up and taking him to our place on these days. She was gone 13+ hours on thanksgiving riding to different locations with the bio father while I spent it by myself. I let her know how much it bothered me, and she got mad at me and said I was overreacting. I’m considering breaking this off because after all I’ve been through, I feel like she should be fighting to earn my trust, and should want to move on with her life and spend these important days with me. And at least make the attempt to get her son on or the day before so she doesn’t have to spend the whole day with her ex. But I don’t want to confuse this kid any further, and I still love her. Is it wrong for me to expect this from her? They’ve been apart, never married, for almost 5 years now. The father has finally gotten another girlfriend in the last month… He’s 27, she’s 19… But he still calls to tell her that he doesn’t think it will work out. I know he’s still not over her, and I fear she may still not be over him and just likes the attention of us both..
I have been married for 17 years and now divorced for 8. I have lived alone for an extended period of time and when my home was destroyed by fire 3 years ago I moved back to my ex-wife’s home living in her attic. She has a boyfriend. I have had a series of girlfriends, none of whom have stayed with me for longer than 2 years. I am fully understanding of the opinions of those voiced here indicating concern with dating someone who still has ties with their ex’s. My decision, independently from this website information, is to no longer seek female companionship while I live under my ex-wife’s roof. I need to finish the task of raising my three children, which will take only 4 more years and quite frankly their welfare is more important than my desire to seek a life partner to grow old with. What I do feel the need to sound off about with regard to all the comments made on this website and the baseline advise offered by mainstream psychologists is this: I see no basis for emerging from a divorce with the need to dislike, hate, avoid or otherwise belittle an ex. For gosh sake, at one time in our lives we all chose that ex to live with for the rest of our lives. We promised them everything and we felt, at least we should have felt, when we got married that we married the smartest, most beautiful and kind person on the planet. Things do not work out. People make mistakes. Promises are not kept. Life must move on. Love must be withdrawn and offered to someone else sometimes. But that does not give any of us license to think poorly of our ex’s. There is absolutely no reason to hate anyone in this world and least of all the former loves of our lives. End of sermon. Happy Holidays all.
Rick
So true about hating an ex that we once loved hate and love…such a fine line Thanks for reminding me life is too short to waste negative energy on an ex. Happy Holidays!
I’m a little confused. I am dating a a man who has been divorced for 5 years. He has custody of the children ages 13 17 and 22 at home. His ex left the children with him a year ago to peruse a relationship out of state. The relationship between the exes was rough. She returned after the relationship failed. Well they slept together in July. Both had just came out of breakups. I started dating him in august. We are exclusive. My problem is now their relationship has changed. He had her and his parents and her parents over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She took the kids on a ski vacation over break and envited him. He didn’t go he had to work. She texted him having a good time you should come next time. Well now he has posted video on fb of their dream home when they moved in it from 2000. I feel they are recreating happy times and not being honest with themselves and I’m the other woman. She knows about me. am I being overly cautious, paranoid or rational. I am divorced with teens also, but do not play happy holiday family with the ex.
I have been with this guy for 6 years and am very frustrated and hurt. From the beginning, his ex wife seemed to have the unbelievable ability to control his thought process. He allowed her to turn him into her personal slave. Anytime she called, he ran to her. The few times that he said no to her, she fabricated illness to get him to respond. She was constantly calling our home demanding to speak with him. When I spoke to him about this, he got very angry with me. This has gone on up to until recently, when she relocated to another state. He actually indicated that he was relieved that she was gone.
I asked him what he would do if she continued with the daily guilt filled calls. He said he was done, but guess what, he’s still responding. He denies the contact, but I know when it is happening because he gets really nasty to me. She’s not that far away and I think he goes to see her whenever he can do it without my knowledge. We had a really good relationship and she didn’t give up until we were at each other’s throats. Does this woman have any pride? I’m here because he didn’t want her. I really love this guy but now it seems like he has totally turned against me. I just don’t know what to do. Any words of wisdom?
Hi this is for Rick 21/12/12. You are absolutely right Rick, once upon a time that person was our chosen life time partner and in alot of cases is the other parent of our child/children. They deserve our respect and consideration as we would show any fellow human being. However, in my humble opinion, the closeness and contact between exes of which is written on this site is all well and good IF U ARE SINGLE. If on the other hand you are in an exclusive relationship ( and not necessarilly married), there is such a thing as emotional infidelity which can have a devastating affect on the trust, confidence and security of your new relationship. If a man was willing to treat his present love as a Goddess, she would make him a God and If truth be known, alot of these exes are deliberately attempting to sabbotage the promising new relationship, because of reasons do do with their own insecurities and egos. I was married for 21yrs, 3 children. I always try to maintain spiritual, physical and emotional correctness concerning any interaction with my ex and keep right out of his and his new partners relationship.
What if the ex-wife is not a problem but an ex-girlfriend is the problem? My boyfriend had an affair during his marriage and kept in contact with the woman as “friends”. After his divorce he began dating the woman and they dated until the time when my boyfriend and I got together a year ago. He still keeps in contact with the ex-girlfriend. I recently happened upon his credit card bill and saw that he sent her flowers on her birthday, when confronted he also admitted to sending her a Christmas gift. I told him it was an unhealthy connection with his ex-girlfriend but he claims there is no “connection” at all. He says it is an occasional email or call, and he only sent the flowers and gift on her request. He said she stated “I know it’s silly but it would really make me feel better if you would send me (flowers/gift)” He says my proof is where he spends his time, we live together and he is with me. He makes future plans with me, he says I am his priority. I would love to hear some advice on how to proceed….
Hey Liz like i said hun,……emotional infidelity. You are worth so much more than that,……like a clean start. Relationships can be at times difficult enough just with parental influences , religious, cultural differences etc without a third party being involved. There is someone out there waiting to give you exclusive love and comittment with all their heart, but will you be free? best of luck Liz. ps if you really were his top priority her bthday wouldntt mean buck fizz.
Gina, you are golden! I have kept your words close these last months and I finally found the courage to leave. It is a freaking siege of heartbreak but I now live in another state far away.
Help I really need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 17months & when we met we were practically on the same page, as in where we were in our previous relationship with our ex’s. However I am now divorced & fully separated from my husband, but my boyfriend is still married & has made no attempt to even start his divorce. He says that he & his wife have a lot to sort out property wise before he could even begin to think of starting a divorce as he doesn’t want to waste too much money arguing back & forth with the lawyers, but to me there must be something more than that, as his wife knows he is in a relationship with me & she too is in a relationship. But the thing I feel most frustrated about is he still has so much contact with his wife, not only to do with work issues but on a personal level too. He also has a very close relationship with her extended family too, which I don’t get.
He has two daughters with her who are 18 & 21 so doesn’t really need contact with her because of them. My two children are 8 & 12 & they have a great relationship with their father, but he & I rarely have contact.
Also until I really put my foot down my boyfriend was on occasions staying in the spare room at his matermonial home, when he was in the area. Now I understand that until that house is sold, he still owns half but when they separated it was agreed between them that he would move out & it would become her home. So I didn’t agree or like him staying there. But he says he loves me and I should trust him, but like I say he’s too close to his estranged wife & her family for my liking. He was in hospital recently & she visited him everyday & when she arrived I had to go site in the waiting room until she had gone. But apparently I’m paranoid??? Please someone tell me, am I paranoid or is his behaviour unacceptable. I don’t believe for one second he would go back to her but there is something he can’t let go of. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
I came upon the right blog. I’m in a dilemma. I’m dating a newly separated man, we’ve been exclusive for 2 months now and it’s been amazing. I’ve known him for over a year and we did hook up a few times while he was still in his marriage, but when he told me he was getting divorced we decided to be together. I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster ride. He has 4 young kids, and crazy unstable wife. I’ve seen texts from the wife some really disturbing ones and others are about her asking for a second chance and working things out. I’ve told him, it’s a new situation and if he’s thinking of working things out with her just be honest. I do love him, and he loves me but I love him enough to let him go be miserable with her just for the kids. We just got into a huge fight, tomorrow is Valentine’s day and he’s telling me it’s his day with the kids (which is fine) but he’s going to attend a neighborhood valentine’s day party with wife and the kids. I flipped out. I know I deserve better, and I’m thinking of just ending this because it’s obviously not working. I’m not sure what to do…did I overreact? And the wife found out that he was seeing someone, since then she’s been a complete bitch and I think she’s trying to get him back just in spite of it all. I feel like he’s going along with all of it and not taking my feeling into consideration. I know I deserve much better but it’s so hard to walk away.
I have been in the U.S for 7 years.I am glad to find this site. My BF connects to his ex wife so much. But, I was wondering this is an American culture or not.
I am dating a divorced man ( 2 kids, 25, 21) for 9 month. He divorced 3 years ago. Still talking, texting, every day with his ex-wife. 4 month after we start dating, his ex-wife threw my stuffs( cosmetics, clothes, lotions..everything) because she got mad when she found my belongings.
Yes. She still had his house key.
Recently, my Boy friend finally got a spare key from her. Because I asked him again.
My BF treats me very nice. I know he really likes me. but.
I haven’t met his kids yet. He hasn’t said, ” I love you”. He still takes care of her house( yard.)..
I don’t have his house key…
I am tired of having a hopeless feeling.. but,, I love him( I haven’t said that). I know I should move on..but, it’s hard to do ..he needs more time?? or.. wasting my time?? maybe..so
You gals just aint listening. You can remain on the emotional rollercoaster, that satisfies the self sabbotaging part of us or you can honour the divine within yourselves, occupy your selves mind and body paricipating in creation, by the creator and by healing yourselves, will make time and space in your life and heart to be filled beyond your greatest hopes. These men and their exes obviously still have karmic residue to clear up or are just stuck in a co-dependant drama of which they must reap dividend of some sort ( why else?). Sad for them, however ladies never forget your own worth, YOU ARE ALL GODESSES!!! well for some ….still in the making,……..find a GOD worthy of you xxx
PS I say all this with love coz Ive been where you are presently at. After giving myself the necessary time to grieve the end of my marriage and heal, emerging as a new woman (phoenix) re entered the dating scene and met many situations similar to those mentioned here. Once upon a time i would have leapt straight back into the “needing” to be loved? needed? by someone. I know now what i want in a relationship and wont settle for less. Im willing to give ALL for the right man, WHEN and IF he happens along, but im not looking,….Im not waiting instead ive filled my life with worthwhile purposes activities, great friends, MALE and female and emmersed myself in loving life,… actually LIVING in the present NOW. Good luck sisters.
Every situation is different, yet the same? For two years I have been dating a manwho has been divorced 10 years, and until a year or so ago, his ex-wife was still going to his family functions, showing up at his family functions. Nobody in the family claims to have invited her. My biggest contention is that she shows up at his weekly basketball games, games he plays in a small social local league. His 26 year old son also plays with him, and that is her excuse. I asked my 25 year old son if he would want me showing up at his sports events regularly every week, and he said “No way”.
My BF gets angry when I ask why she shows up at his games, and says he keeps a relationship with her because of the kids. The other one is 22 and in college. He has made many excuses as to why she comes, and we have had many arguments over it.
I know he is not into her, but condones her weekly visitations to the game, saying he doesn’t talk to her. I am not really welcome to the game as, according to him, it would only cause a problem. Two weeks ago, I finally went to one of his games but didn’t make myself obvious, waiting outside. I don’t believe he is interacting with her, but it just seems odd.
A year ago he had a serious surgery and I was to see him when went to ICU. I showed up at the hospital and saw this woman (his ex wife, I had never met her before). She knew who I was, and after interrogating me, while I was caught dumbfounded, she proceeded to say all kinds of nasty things about him and declared herself as his wife to the Nurse so she could visit him first. He was unconscious, so she left the room and told me I could go in after her.
After he recovered, I told him what happened, and he brushed it away saying she is crazy. It still rankles with me, and seems so petty after hearing the other stories, but would love to know if I am over-reacting.
We are exclusive, and I spend every weekend with him. He never wants to get married, and I am not looking for that, but still want an intimate, exclusive, serious relationship.
My advice to you is, find a single guy and childless…. Don’t get me wrong, i love children, but i dated a guy for two years who was divorced and had two kids, and i can honestely say, i was never so unhappy in my whole life, i was miserable.
he’s children were adults already, but let me telll you, for the parents they never grow up, it’s is a constant situation, it won’t go away, and no matter how much he loves you, you will never “win”, he had a lot of money, but we never gone anywhere, neverrrrrr, and he was suporting his children and ex wife, because he gave her 5 times more then what he was suposed to give, and she does not want to work so she lives of what he gives her. For me there was never anything, in the beginning, he said that he wanted to get married, have kids, he knew that that was what i wanted, so he just told me waht i wanted to hear, when he got me, he thougt that i would never run, because he was rich or something, and because i was unemployed at the time. I got myself a job, i also never let go my old house, i always kept it, and thank god for that, because nowadays, i am finally in my own house, got my job, and met an incredible guy, SINGLE, and also young like me, he wants children, and all, so we are already in doctors to prepare the baby comming.
Don’t be afraid, just break on trough to the other side, you’ll find you will be much hapier than living somebodyelse’s life. because that’s what you do when you’re with someone divorced with kids. You will never have your own life with your husband, it will never be just the two of you, it will never be your plans….it’s not a life, it’s a lie…don’t live a lie
Paula,….YEAH!!! you go girl!! that’s wat im sayin sisters, it AINT YOU and NO Rita you are not over reacting, ….you are being true to yourself and trusting your instinct and where you are comfortable at in a committed relationship. In my personal opinion, the workings behind these scenerios are not necessary sinister ( infidelity), but more like psychological, unconscious need to validate and support ego in the “known” ( tried and tested) rather than evolving spiritually, risking security, cultivating trust with a sense of adventure exploring the new (untried, untested) After all,……..you might leave them, then where would they be? you get it? Im thinking their self worth must be so low that they would engage with their ex’s in this manner although their love obviously wasnt strong enough to weather wat ever. And hey using the kids ( no matter they be 30 odd lol) the kids benifit aye? and i suppose sticking it out for kids benifit was out of the question? Once again it just validates their co-dependant ego feeding relationship. Let them go,…….lovingly and as gently as you can, these guys have karma/ stuff to work out, its theirs for as long as they hold onto it. Meanwhile i hope you will remember your own divinity and get to wat you are supposed to be doing,………..creating magic moments in the “now’. PS not all divorced men with kids are like that, just few and far between xox
Hey Gina, Thank you…. i have a lot of anger inside me yet, because i feel betrayed, i’m workin on it…Are you in psichology or something? You have a really interesting insight of what we as women who get involved with these sleezeballs go thru.
You wont believe how dificult it was for me to breack trhu… it took me a lot of time, lot of tears, a lot of self convincing that this men, had spent about a year whispering lies in my ear, all mixed with loving words, honey words, deeds… not so much, always a litlle bit of this and a litlle bit of that, he kept the hard stuff for “the family”. He lyed to me for years, always saying that he wanted this and that, i had a boyfriend when he met me, and he did not rest until he broke our relationship, when he certified that it was really over, he just stoped talking about marriage, children, everything, he did not want to purchase a house for us, and he was still supporting the ex and children… the so call “children” were 23 and 27 years old, and did not wanted to work, also the ex never worked in her whole life, he makes a lot of money, but for the two of us the talk was always:”ohhh the economy is bad… ohhh real estate crises.. oh this oh that….”but he sure payed for the ex wife house everymonth witch nobody lived in…Now… when i look back, i just thinkkk HOW COULD I’VE BEEN SO STUPIDDDD? how did i put up with this????
PLEASEEEEE all women dating with these guys… just RUN RUN RUN, they are lying to you, lying lying.
Heyyyy Rita, can you give me an update on your situation??
Kisses
I am the Liz who posted above about my boyfriend and his continued contact and connection with his ex-girlfriend. I have recently broken up with him and have a totally different perspective now reading all these posts. What I wish, in hindsight, was that I had proceeded more cautiously in the FIRST PLACE. Red flags and bells were going off from the beginning but I refused to acknowledge them, thus getting much more emotionally involved. When the breakup came, it was only after I had allowed myself to fall deeply in love with him, ignoring these warning signs along the way.
My advice? Read Christie Hartman’s book “Dating the Divorced Man” which I wish I had found earlier-on myself. However when you read it, you have to act on those principles. You can’t just be aware of those warning signs, but you have to HEED THEM!!! You deserve a relationship with someone who finds joy in meeting your needs, and you in theirs, rather than someone you have to try to mold and struggle to fit into a relationship. Your relationship shouldn’t make you cry, your relationship shouldn’t make you sad, your relationship shouldn’t break your heart or make you feel betrayed. Let it go, let it go…..and find a truly joyful relationship.
Hugs to you all!
Liz,
Thank you for your message, I will buy the book today. Same for me…head over heels. I have never been so into someone but I refuse to be seconds for this man…I will find my strengh back somehow…
Hi,
So I have become engaged to a divorced father and things during dating have been going great. He has been figuring out the balance, etc. His ex has the kids most of the time and he pays his child support plus we send the kids clothing and gifts. She is remarried for over a year now but still requests money from him every few months. She can’t pay this bill or that bill….etc. He ends up handing money over or paying her bill so his kids don’t suffer. I get the idea and I have been explicit that her bills will never be paid out of my money. But I am concerned going forward that this will always happen and she will always feel like he will bail her out. Suggestions? Thoughts?
I have been divorced for 4 years, and have a 9 year old with my ex. I am still very close to my in-laws, and see them frequently, living only 15 minutes away (he lives a few states away.)
My son’s father and I talk almost daily – after the initial pain of the break up – because most evenings he calls his son to say goodnight. Sometimes we just say hello, and sometimes we chat for a couple minutes. His dad and step-mom and brother still consider me part of the family, and invite me and my son over for holidays, as well as other occasions. Which is fine with everyone. Until my ex started dating seriously. His girlfriend didn’t want us to ever be in the same room together, and would make things very difficult for everyone when there were family events – like a great grandmother’s birthday.
It’s a little tricky to know when to step down and give them space when they visit his parents together, and when to carry on as usual, with these people that I consider my family (my inlaws, more than my ex) when there is someone putting huge pressure on the situation.
In their on again, off again relationship, the times they are dating, my ex and I end up using less teamwork parenting, because the rules she sets for him about communication make organic discussion about my son and issues related to him very difficult.
AND…when I had to have a discussion with my son’s dad about a serious parenting concern I had, she insisted on being present at the meeting. I told her that I am the mom, and would she please leave, but she wouldn’t, and my ex said that the conversation wouldn’t happen if she couldn’t attend.
The area that I could do things differently would be to lean a little less on this family unit as my support network and as friends. But I wish the new girlfriend could see ANY area in which she could do something differently. Not sure it’s going to happen.
I don’t even know where to begin. . . . I guess the beginning. I met a man who has been divorced for nealy 17 years. We have been together for nearly a year now. We hit it off wonderfully right from the start. He’s fun, smart and attractive. He told me right away he was divorced and had been for a long time and that they had one son. As time went on I learned he had fought for, and won, custody of their son. But it was a long and very bitter battle and he went into debt to nearly $100k. I don’t know details about the whole relationship, marriage and divorce because he will not discuss them with me. However, some things have come out over time. I don’t think they dated for very long when she got pregnant. They got married and were married for four years only and according to him, only the first year was good, after that it was terrible and they were already on their way to divorce. She started seeing other men, he dated other women, all while they were still married. He said he filed, she was an alcoholic. That’s all he’ll tell me. Their son is going to be 21 years old the June. My problem? He misrepresented, and out right lied to me about what his relationship is with her now. We met over the summer so by Thanksgiving, we had already been together for a few month. He told me he spends Thanksgiving with her and their son. I was very surprised by this, but I didn’t say much because I really didn’t know what to say. He knew though that it hurt my feelings. He said to me that Thanksgiving was the only holiday they spent together. “I don’t see her the rest of the year”. So I was good. That was a lie. We had tickets to see a show on Dec. 21 with two other couples. He broke that date just days before to go to his ex sister-in-law’s holdiay party. I was devastated. We argued and broke up so I was alone during the holidays. I then saw pictures on Facebook of that party AND a New Year’s party he went to at the sister-in-law’s and his ex wife was there. Nice pictures of him and his ex and her family. We got back together after the new year because he seemed sorry and promised to make it up to me. He did try to explain that since he is from out of state and moved here to be with her and then they so soon got divorced, he continued to bond with her family. Anyway, since then, again, it’s been great and he spent Easter with me. He usually spends it with her. We went to Florida a couple of weeks ago and had a wonderful time. However, while there the ex sister-in-law was texting him and at one point he opened up his FB page and there was an email from the ex wife. I think they all knew he was in Florida with me because I checked us in at so many places on FB. I can’t believe they would have not seen it. Now, it seems her name keeps coming up. He talks about her. I’ve tried to get him to talk to me about the whole thing so I can understand: why he got divorced, why he stays in contact with her; why he lied to me. He has said he cares for me and is not in love with her at all anymore but that she will always be special to him because of thier son. I get that, but I think he is in way more contact with her and her family then he has told me. Oh1 and for years after their divorce he would go camping with her, her boyfriend of the month, and her sister and her family. Now, he just bought a new camper and . . . so did the sister in law. I’m so insecure in this relationship and I hurt so much. I adore this guy, but I think this is wrong. Someone help, please.
Hi everyone,
Separated 2 years ago with two kids, 10 and 6 now. Living with a guy that left his ex wife almost 5 years ago, they have a 10 and a 7 year old. He cheated on her for months before he left her. He started a 2 year relationship with someone that had 3 kids, this new woman had a problem for the constant contact her had withs her and he even went to his ex wife for diner sometimes. He found out that his ex wife was still waiting for him to come back while his 2 year relationship was on and off. They always fought about the ex being too present. have been going out with him for nearly 2 years now, we feel in love so fast that now we have a 3 month old baby. His ex calls or emails numerous times a week and I would say since we had the baby comes over for whatever reason is good…brings over the kids electronic devices, the bagmington stuff, plastic containers for their lunches…etc. They have shared custody, a week on two. She even asks him relationship advice at some point. Seems she hooks up with guys that has kids but do nit want to do anything for them…it’s only about her and her kids and she sees her néw bf when it’s convenient only. She has been living alone since they divorced and said she doesnt want to live with anyone else. We fight over the ex constantly…I cannot stand her. She has been over at my house 8 times out of 10 when we have the kids…to bring anything over…is it on purpose I dont know but she doesn’t have a life like us and has a lot of time on her hands seems like. We live close so I’m wondering about her intentions, he still has a joint membership with her at Costco while I have no card yet…all these things points me in the direction that she will never get over him and he says yes to all her demands. He does not even consult me before taking a decision and acts like he’s living alone. I feel like am the other woman. His family mentions the ex wife all the time at diner time at my place…even my boyfriends mom goes to sleep at her house and still calls her the step daughter. I’m truly hurt and feel like I will never have my place in this family….help!!!!
Christie,
I forgot to mention in my previous post that these past months she was stuck with her car three times and he stopped working to help her out. The last time we were moving in together and it was moving day and he still stopped what he was doing to help her out. She says if he doesn’t come the kids cannot go to school cause she’s stuck. Also calls him to fix her pool, borrow a ladder…etc. I think I’m running out of patience. How can I let him know that it’s me or her? I feel we are sharing a man. It’s not my problem she made a decision of not letting a man back in her life…I feel he doesn’t take our new family seriously, feels his first family is more important.
Diagnosis Required – Am I ‘Divorced Husband’
Trying to work out how much of a situation is down to my behaviour
Divorced for 1 year, separated for 3 years before that. Girlfriend of 2 years changes from exciting, interesting and intelligent person into screaming fishwife if I am in my ex’s presence for more than an 1 hour.
Facts relating to contact as follows.
Normal level of contact between me and my ex
5 or so emails a week (I have counted them over the last 3 months) – subjects mainly ongoing payments / pension splitting and logistical details about kids (two of school age – one lives with me full time and the other splits his time between my ex and me, one child now adult).
Very occasional text / phone call- ‘do you know where daughter X is at the moment’ etc
Occasional meetings to discuss kids – (1 in last two months)
Not linked to her on Linkedin or ‘friend’ on facebook
Ex-wife (though she initiated the separation and has partner) appears to want more contact with me and her actions could be interpreted as territorial (towards me and towards the concept of the pre-existing family), [so for example it was her who suggested the lunch below]
I tell my girlfriend very regularly (most times I see her) that I have no interest in my ex-wife.
Lastest blow-up. My ex and I (and younger children) went to pick up adult child from airport ( has been travelling for 6 months) and had lunch on way back. Journey to airport and lunch had been pre-agreed with my girlfriend, but lunch had been described as ‘something to eat on the way back’ and actually stopped at a restaurant. When told girlfriend – (who already knew as she is ‘friend’ of my daughter on facebook and daughter posts comments minute by minute) – she llost it and we went our separate ways for the evening
I genuinely want to solve this problem as in the process of moving in with my girlfriend and dont want our lives punctuated by (to my mind) insane rows about someone I have to at least talk to as we share children.
Views on whether I am contributing to the problem and what of my behaviour I could change to improve things ?
Alan,
She is not ready for this…trust me. She and you should read Christie’s book on dating divorced man. Even you will get tips to what should be tolerated as boudaries with the ex. If you move in I say she will only see how much more contact there is…like I realized when I moved in and find it hard to live with…settle this first with her and be honest with her in telling her what you really are ready to cut off and things you think that are normal and that will never change. A least you will be truthful and tell her what to expect so that both of you can start from there because it’s for her to realize if she is ready for this or not.
Parents that hang out with kids together send the wrong signal to the kids…but if it’s not a regular thing should not be a problem. Maybe you could of asked your gf to go with you at the airport? You have to ask yourself as well if you are prepared to make her feel secure because she has insecurity isssues like myself and its not a gift trust me we don’t like feeling this way but it’s part of us. My therapist says to let go and think about me and let him go to his ex if he wants too…she says they are not over there is much involvement and he is so protective of her. Read the book you will maybe understand some more…and get tips.
Hi i am having such a hard time with my husband because he is in constant contact with his ex- girlfriends both long and short term. he says he will never change. It breaks my heart because i think he probably still have some kind of feelings for them. i feel like he is cheating on me emotionally. it is so hard to go through this, he says he is giving me respect by not talking to them in front of me so he keeps his phone on vibrate so as to be able to monitor these calls. my heart is breaking because he demands to be trusted but in the past when i got a gut feeling that something wasnt right, i called the number and the female told me that he never mentioned that he was married, others have insulted me and one of them called me a bitch. he was sending her money sometimes and i also caught him with an extra phone one time that he was using to communicate with women. he is breaking my heart and claims that he doesnt want anything with them and just enjoying his talk with them or people as he puts it. i love him but this kind of behaviour makes it hard to trust him and i feel as if i should leave because he is abusing our relationship. he says i am trying to control him but i am so hurt and i feel so disrespected by this. i really dont want to leave my husband but more and more i feel like i cant communicate with him and he doesnt understand me or he just plain refuse to understand or listen to how i feel because he might have to accept that what he is doing is wrong!!!!! Any help would be appreciated.
Hello! I am in a very similar situation as most of you… 6 months now with the love of my life. We are truly in love, discussed marriage and have both been seperated from our Exes around 5 years. I have been feeling down because of the “basically-grown(17, 22, 24) year- old -children- and -family -time -with- them -AND -the -EX -Wife -syndrome” … It was brought on by A Thank You for 15years comment the ex posted on Facebook ( which I am sure she does on purpose because she asked him if I saw it ) as well as other mini things shes tagged and then him Not Telling The Whole Truth when it came to a life event ( marriage of his 22 year old stepson out of town, that I was not included in…), that included her and him not telling me about it=Lying. They made it a 10 hour drive + overnight family road trip, and he didn’t outright tell me the whole truth. I was invited to the reception, however, and went and met the ex ( who I think is awesome and fun, but possibly quite manipulative and snaky and I was told she is the reason other relationships he tried to have did not work out) and their (hers biologically) two older sons,in which he raised with her and who were very sweet. They love love love their dad. They all have been doing “Family” things, holidays, birthdays, dinners, for the past 20 years.I think it’s a wonderful thing. BUT. I also have 2 children, who are a bit younger (9, 14) and being in a relationship, I want the Whole Family, not just his or mine. We talked all about this in the past week, we didn’t argue, we discussed…and cried and got emotional. I don’t like the fact that the Ex is involved in all of the functions and I am not. I am not okay with this and I told him how I feel. Especially since I know they are close ( he told her all about me and how I make him feel….) I told him its fine if you hang out with your kids, I have absolutely No Problem with that, but if she is involved, I should be, too….and my kids. Also, I asked him not to discuss me or our relationship with her…kids, work, weather, fine. But not Us. A lot came out in the past week or so and he told me that usually at the first sign of adversity, he would have been out the door, but he is in love with me.
SO, This is what will happen…..This is my advice to all of you who wrote before me…….. Talk it out, discuss how You Feel and What YOU need. Then wait. That is what I am doing right now. Giving him a little time to decide if my feelings are worth it to him. Because if I get fibbed to again, whether it’s to save my feelings or not or if the next ” Family Event ” doesn’t include me or my kids… It has to be over. As much as I would die inside because of my love for him, I would have to set him free. I would rather be single then be with someone who puts doubt in my heart.
Dear Christie,
I have been in a long distance relationship with a man for five years now. We see each other about twice a year, but talk to each other several times a day as well as video chat. We are very much in love and have plans to move in together in the near future. I will be moving to his area (from east to west). We are both divorced. I have two grown children and he doesn’t have any. He has been divorced for over 10 years now but is really good friends with his ex-wife and they do alot together. I trust him completely and understand that since we are miles apart the need for companionship; however, I am worried about her (his ex) being a distraction once I move in with him. I don’t know how to approach the subject without hurting his feelings or being too presumptuous about the situation. Advice?
Thank you,
Cher
Cher- just sit down and let him know exactly how You feel and what You need in the relationship, without blaming him or accusing him. Let him know it makes you FEEL insecure/hurt/jealous/whatever you feel about his relationship with her. Then ask him, What do you think? If he prioritized his ex over you, you need to leave him. Good luck.
Cher,
I would say be aware of the signs. Read Christie’s book on dating divorced men…find it on amazon even used copy…it’s so worth it. You will have a better perspective and may know what to expect and what you can or cannot accept. Good luck
I am happily married to a Christian divorced man. Here’s the thing: If there are children involved then yes, the
man phones ‘the ex’ with respect to the children (especially if she has custody of them). What you need to do as a 2nd
wife is to ask your husband to put BOUNDARIES in place. Meaning: yes he is able to contact the ex about picking up
children, child support payments, etc but NOT for formerly-husbandly-advice (“Honey please come and fix the hot water tap” or “Come over for dinner by yourself and leave the 2nd wife at home…we need to talk.”). The ex-wife in our
situation was manipulative like that and took awhile to establish firm boundaries ONLY around contact with respect
to the children. And then the children grew up, married, and are off. We never talk to ‘the ex’ anymore. So, see there
IS happy LIGHT at the end of the tunnel in this situation eventually. In the meantime you need to pray for a lot of patience and strength. But eventually the children do grow up and contact with the ex no longer needs to happen 🙂
–Happily free of ‘the ex’. Life is good. God is good.
Dear All who are asking how much is “appropriate” contact,
I think what needs to change in a divorce/break up is that the life model changes. One joint life together becomes TWO DISTINCT SEPARATE LIVES. “Family” get togethers with exes are not appropriate and continue to foster the joint life together model. “Rescuing” the ex, texting, chatting, visiting, all foster that joint life rather than supporting the separation. The divorced man needs to create those distinct boundaries that CLEARLY indicate the new separate lives.
HOWEVER as the new girlfriend you need to recognize whether your divorced boyfriend is actually taking appropriate steps. Recognize and acknowledge it before you get deeply emotionally involved. Some divorced men are not ready to sever the ties with the ex. Steer clear of them, it is condemning yourself to forever being “the other woman” and not the focus of your boyfriend’s attention.
Liz,
Thank you for saying this I wish my boyfriend would realize this. My therapist just told me to flush him in our sessions cause he’s not ready to recognizes anything. I’m so discouraged….
Liz, you nailed it.
A person’s contact with his or her ex fosters a sense of familial “togetherness” that undermines a subsequent relationship. It’s not a matter of “trust” in the sense that they’re physically (or even emotionally) cheating; it’s about feeling as though one’s S.O. is seeking out an aspect of the marriage (from the ex) that the current S.O. should be trusted to provide.
My S.O. was divorced eight years ago, and he and his ex-wife are friends. So-called friends. In the three years we’ve been together, I have never once met this woman. When I found out that he asked her to pick him up from the airport — I was at work when his plane landed — I was livid. 1. This is something that I was gladly willing to take time off work to do for him; 2. Come on, like there aren’t any taxis readily available at a major airport?; and 3. I doubt that most of his male friends would take off work to do this, nor would it have been appropriate to ask them; this is the type of favor that one expressly asks of a S.O. or spouse!
His relationship/friendship/whatever-the-heck-it-is with his ex isn’t something that I personally am willing to “compromise” on for the long run, and it’s given me serious pause about taking our own relationship to the next level. And honestly? I think that the reason he’s on the fence about marrying again is because all of his needs are being met across the board. He has her (the ex) to go on domestic duty whenever he needs favors that might inconvenience me, and me to provide the sexual/emotional components of the relationship.
I have to wonder what his ex’s fiance thinks about all of this. I can’t imagine that poor man is very happy either.
Mia,
Not normal at all. I have to go see a therapist cause I think I’m the crazy one here,,,but I’m not. They have been over for almost 5 years now and kids are sicknso she wants him to leave work to get her cause she takes the bus…these people have not moved on at all…be careful. I wish I could of seen this from the start but was too into him and living with him I see now all the calls and emails…his problem is that he cannot say no but also his choice to move on and realized it’s inappropriate.
Some people don’t mind the ex presence but it’s such a sign that hey cannot live together or apart either…best of luck. I wish I would been strong enough to tell him it’s me or her but I’m afraid I know the answer already and it hurts just thinking about it so confirming it I’m not up for it for now…but will be soon, my therapist tells me he’s been to therapy with me and he’s not want to recognize anything or change so she told me to stop coming…so basically we are already over I think…just of question of when…sad but true, I’m not willing to put up wi disrespect I did it too much
Thank you so much for this article!!! I have been dating a divorced man with two teen kids for the past two years. He and his wife have been divorced for 15 years, but he acts as if they are still married, lending her his car when her’s is in the shop and inviting her to his parties. When I entered the picture, his ex-wife made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried to get to know her by inviting her to drinks, but she ignored my offer and acts cold and aloof when we have to see one another. To make matters worse, my boyfriend insists on inviting her to everything, including Thanksgiving and his annual Christmas eve party, and he spends Christmas morning with her and the boys. I have felt like the other woman for most of the relationship and leave the relationship every other month out of pure frustration. During the periods when my boyfriend and I are not together he spends even more time with her, including taking her on business trips with him. I feel completely betrayed by his behavior, but he says I am just jealous and insecure and need to get over it. I have spent so much time working on myself trying to take ownership for my own stuff, but reading your article has helped me to see that I’m not crazy!
Thank you!
I couldn’t accept the Christmas thing!!! If your boyfriend wants to have a new life and a new relation, he should accept the separation. He needs to understand that you can’t take your own place in his life if she is still around. And if you guys want to be like a family, he needs to give you that space and to act like it. You are not only an observer, you are the girlfriend and he needs to put his step down and put some limits. You should be inside his circle and she should be outside. You should have a talk together about how you see your future, what he wants from you and what you want from him…you should make sure now that you can live together and accept, on both side, to do some compromise. Being in a relationship with a divorce man is not easy, but it doesn’t mean impossible.
Isabelle,
Thank you for your support. I wish I would have come across this article when I first started dating this man. It has been one fight after. I recently sent him a copy of this article with a note that said, “I hope this gives you some insight into my feelings and fosters some open, honest communication between us.” He flew into a rage! Needless to say, I am taking Dr. Hartman’s advice and ending the relationship. I have no idea why he is so loyal and defensive about his relationship with his ex but it isn’t healthy for any of us to continue to fight about it.
Thanks again!
You did the good thing. Maybe he is ready for a relationship, but what he wants is not exactly what you need, and that’s fine. Sometimes love is not enough and it needs a lot of maturity to take that kind of decision. Now, move on and take decisions for what you want.
Well, I tend to agree and to disagree!!! I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and he has 2 kids (2 and 4 years old). He’s talking with his ex wife daily because they have the share custody and when he doesn’t have the kids, he calls them and she does the same thing, just to say good night. It’s a 10 minutes call, it’s everyday, and sometimes they talk about something else then the kids, like activities, renovation, etc. They try to stay friends for the sake of the kids. They don’t go out for lunch and that kind of stuff, it’s my only limit and he accepted it. But they talk everyday. They never go into personnal subject (our life together, etc). It’s kind of superficial. His son is playing soccer so they see each other once a week. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don’t. She wants to know me more, to do activities with me. I am not ready yet. I am not jealous, I just don’t like her. Unfortunately, she’s the ex and she’ll always be there. It’s my job to make the best of that situation. They get along well, they really don’t love each other anymore, she’s maybe a nice person, I don’t care. I trust him, that’s all it matter. Yes, sometimes I wish she was less in our life, I wish they could just talk about the kids and hang up, I wish she never existed so I could be the one who would get married and have babies with this man. But it’s impossible, and I love him. I have few options, but to accept it. He wants to stay friend with her, to keep it the best it could be for the kids and he won’t change that for me. Why should I ask him to hung up on her everytime? It’s 10 minutes everyday, it’s superficial conversation, it’s nothing. But I suppose at the end, it’s going to make the difference for the kids. Well…I don’t want to say it’s difficult, I hate this word…but it’s challenging. I need to be more zen about those 10 minutes, it’s not always easy and I am still in the process of accepting it. Sometimes it’s ok, sometimes I feel like it’s too much. I try to be reasonable and I tell myself that their talk are nothing wrong…just talks!
I just started dating someone who is close to best friends with his ex-wife. He has is going through divorce number 2 and he has told wife 1 whom he is best friends with that he is seeing someone. They talk often and even planned a vacation together. He was very upfront about their friendship from the beginning and said it is very platonic. They are just better friends than husband/wife. He does have quite a few female friends in his social group, which I am fine with. However, I’m hearing from my friends that it is just unacceptable to maintain that type of friendship and I should cut my losses now. They do not have kids together. They were married for 4 years, together for a total of 8. Should I be concerned? Is it a big red flag that I am overlooking?
Wow..I’m pretty sure I know the answer but I’m going to put my situation out there anyhow.
I started dating my boyfriend just over 3 years ago. He was married then, had been married for 20 years with no children, and he continued to live with his wife saying he would be financially devastated and needed to get his ducks in a row money-wise. We had been dating for about a year when finally she found out about us. He didn’t tell her, she found out on her own. Now they are divorced. I lost respect for him when he didn’t offer up the truth to her himself, wondering how a marriage of 20 years warranted such a lie. (Yes, I lost respect for myself too in dating him while he was married.) Maybe it is karma, things are just not good with us. Last Christmas, the first year they’d divorced, she sent him a gift. She also sent a card, which he hid from me, having told me there was nothing else in the box. I later did find a card which prompted more snooping. The snooping led to his appointment book that noted several dinners with his ex-wife. I confronted him and he told me he lied to me about it because I get so upset when talking about her. I do get upset, that is true, because it still hurts that he continued to live with her for so long after we’d been dating and had gotten serious. Also because he didn’t volunteer the truth to her in the first place. He also said they’d been married for so long and were good friends and he would continue to see her on occasion.
I’ve tried to be understanding about this but it is difficult. I am civil with my exes but I have no desire to continue to see them on a regular or even semi-regular basis. I don’t have the 20-year history though with mine that my bf and his ex do either, so I try to be understanding about that.
The problem is he is still not being honest with her. I have moved in with him into the home they still own together. Financial issues have not allowed for him to pay her all that he needs to in order to have her bought out of the house. Because of this, he says, he hasn’t told her that I live here with him now. He says they don’t talk about their personal relationships and that if she knew, he would have to cough up the money now to pay her with and he can’t do it without selling the house.
I might actually be okay with them meeting occasionally for lunch if I knew that everyone was being honest about everything. Because he is not being honest, I am having great difficulties with this situation and wondering now what else he hasn’t told me. It seems that he tells what he needs to (and not the full truth) in order to try to get things to go his way. If he can do that in a 20-year relationship, he can certainly easily do it in a 3-year one.
Additionally, reading posts above have me even more concerned.
I’m thinking now that he is having a hard time letting go of this past relationship, which is why he still sees her. I am the one suffering through this and I don’t think I can continue living this way. To my knowledge, he hasn’t seen her yet since I’ve been living here but every time he leaves the house without me, I’m wondering what else he isn’t telling me and if he is going out to see her. I don’t want to live this way. Karma, I’m sure, for getting involved with a married man in the first place.
Well…he lied before…he can still lie…However…he needs to be man enough to confronte her and tell her the truth. It might cost a lot and I understand he doesn’t want to pay….unfortunately, money rules the world. However, it’s your decision to decide if you can accept that he’s not being honest with her or not. If all of you were honest with each other, it would be way easier. To see your ex in the back of your new girlfriend or boyfriend is totally disrespectful. It shouldn’t happen. For me, it would be the truth, even if it’s hard to hear, or I’m out. When I left my husband, I realized that I didn’t care losing the husband since he wasn’t a really good husband, but I missed him as a friend, and sometimes I still miss him. You love people for so many reasons, it is false that all those feelings disappear because you divorce. Maybe he still miss her, maybe he’s not over it yet. But after 20 years, who could blame him? He shouldn’t step into another relationship if he’s not ready, but maybe he is and he really just like her as a friend. He’s with you now. He loves you. He’s not with her anymore. You have to try to accept her and to trust him. If you don’t trust him, then leave. It’s normal to be jealous though, don’t feel bad for that. But you need to talk and you need to be ready to hear the truth. This is my opinion, you can do whatever you wanna do with it!
I’m not sure if I am just being paranoid…
I’ve been dating this really nice guy for about 5 months now, with whom I share a lot of interests. Our believes, likes and characteristics are very much on par. My friends are all crazy about him and my kids like him too.
My boyfriend and his ex shares a daughter of 6 years and his ex wife is remarried.
He has told me a few things that has been bothering me a bit, and I’m not sure if I’m just over sensitive or truly just don’t understand it…
He told me some time ago that he will always be there for her if she needs him…(now if it involves the child I fully understand, but surely is it not the place of the new husband to be there for her now and in the future?)
Also they still share friends, where both are invited to the braai’s, I haven’t been to one of these braai’s yet (and she does bring her new husband with. Why would you want to socialise with your ex?)
And now he has asked me to join him for her birthday party… She invited him to a weekend away that she is organizing for her and all her friends to celebrate her birthday… I don’t see why she invited him? And why should we be socializing with his ex and her new husband…..
Its the little things that scares me, the other night when he came to visit he had to stop and buy flowers on his way home to give to his daughter as the school was going to an old age home to give them flowers….Could she not have bought the flowers??
I don’t know how to deal with this? Should I go with so that I can see what the link is between them, should I just call it quits?? But I feel like she still tries to control his life and uses the daughter as bait…
We have been dating for over 4 years now. She has 2 18 twins that just graduated from highschool. She also lives 32 miles away in a house she bought with her ex about 15 years ago. Normally she drives out to my apt every friday afternoon and stays till tuesday morning. Ive always felt uncomfortable going to “their” house.
In a nut shell, her ex has helped her re model her whole kitchen about a year ago, and now she discovered a leak in her master shower, got the insurance co involved and hired her ex again to do the work. Being that their together for over a week to do the work. bothers me for some reason. Yesterday she never called at all.
She has also told me it will be fun to try out her new shower for some kind of slumber party. Well im getting more and more un easy about this. This is the house she and he bought, showered in slept in, cooked in, etc
Am i out of line for these thoughts?
My boyfriend was married 30 years ago and has split from his wife for two years. They have agreed to divorce when they sell their house and he can realise his investments to share with her so she can buy herself a place of her own. She was a ‘damaged’ person when they met, her past haunts her and she lives almost as a recluse. He believes she will not have another relationship and feels a lot of guilt at leaving her. He tells me they communicate once a week or so, but I know that they text daily. She is affectionate in her messages and has asked him to try with her to repair their marriage but although he has said no (and he not a person to change his mind) she persists, sending him photos of their kids and grandkids, and frequent updates on her ill health. She knows of my existence although we have never met. I have felt for a long time that this closeness is not healthy, he is trying to make things easier for her, I have no doubt, but in doing so the boundaries are blurred and she sees is as a straw to grasp at. She seems to live for the crumbs of attention that he throws to her. I think he should reduce contact to help her move on, and he knows my view, but I it seems the guilt and sentiment for the marriage stand in his way. What are your views on this?
But what if they are only recently separated in fact but not yet divorced? I am in such a situation. After having a promise of 6 months they will get a divorce they finally filed for an amicable one. Or so he says. She moved out of the house but still sends him sweet messages with pet names. He is also updating her about several aspects of his daily activities. He says he is just trying to be friends with her during the split of their assets. I must mention that they work together and they keep this daily chat in addition. What is really puzzling is that during the previous 6 months before the separation she depicted as an irational person who does not accept the separation (during that time I would always find such sweet talk, even from his side). Now, that she has moved out of the house she continues to bare no resentment and giving him pet names and sweet talk about how cute he is??? Sorry, I just can’t understand their game. Please help, as this has been a terrible emotional rollercoaster for me. In addition, he wants us to move together and start a family and argues he got a separation to be with me (although he admits she is not “indifferent” to him)
I must mention that in our country a divorce can be solved in 30 days and a separation of assets can be made after
Thank you for this article. I just went through the divorce. We had married for 13 years and have two kids, one is eleven and one is ten. On our 13th anniversary, I was shocked when he said he wanted to get the divorce. He said he went to the lawyer and learned what we need to file the divorce. I have tried to talked to him, but things don’t work out for both of us. Finally, I have to accept it is time to let go. I just don’t want him to be unhappy because of me. We filed the divorce on the same date that we were married 13 years ago. Our divorce went though very fast as he wanted to have it finalized ASAP. It have been 3 months and 1 day since our divorce was finalized. We still contact to each other weekly with things relate to the kids. He rarely responds and/or contacts me. On Christmas, I invited him to have Christmas dinner, just me and the kids at my house. Unfortunately, he is with his friends and unable to accept my invitation. I know that we all have to move on with our own lives.
I have been having an affair for the past couple years. We both felt we have always wanted to be with each other for the last 10 years but was scared to make any changes until a few months ago. My girlfriend finally left her marriage and I left my 12 year relationship. The problem I am having now is they have a kid together and my girlfriend’s ex stayed the night Christmas Eve so they can see their son (3 years old) open presents. Is this normal or should I be concerned? My girlfriend came over with the son Christmas evening after her ex left but I was concerned about staying the night.
Such a relief to read all these posts, as I thought I was the only one going through this. I divorced 5 years ago and as we had no children thought it not appropriate to continue in contact with my husband, also he cheated on me, so once someone does that, clearly the relationship isn’t working so better for everyone to move on with their lives. I went to councelling, got over it and moved on. I understand divorce can be like a death but surely everyone has the capacity to move on once they give themselves some time to do so? So you would think!
Met a man online 2 and a half years ago. At the time, his ‘ex’ and two children were living in her home country and had been for a year. He told me they had been seperated for 2 years. 3 months after we met she moved back into what had been their family home. He moved out but still spent 2 to 3 nights a week there, overnight, as he wanted to spend as much time with the children as possible. Then the phone calls started from her……first of all polite, asking me to leave her husband alone, then she got nasty, saying they were sleeping together etc. This has been going on, on this basis since that time. We have split up on numerous occasions over it but he can’t seem to move on from this women who he claims, even when they were married, he was not happy with! They met on a website and married having only known each other a few months and spending very little time together. In his culture arranged marriages are the norm so I suppose he felt love would come after the marriage.
Anyway, back to us, I have never met the children, aged 4 and 7, she says I never will. She recently threatened to commit suicide by jumping out the window of their house, all in front of the children, because he had told her he was leaving to spend the night with me and my family. She constantly tells the children, anytime he tries to move our relationship forward, daddy doesn’t love you, Daddy wants to be with someone else, not with us anymore. I have broken things with him again now, but am heart-broken. They are attending mediation which he understands is part of the process for reaching a seperation agreement but after the last session, the mediator told him there appears to be some confusion, as the ex seems to think they are attending some sort of counselling to mend the marriage. The mediator wants to address this with them at their next session next week. Staying away is the only way I can deal with it and I hope these other women can find the strength to do so too. I wanted my man to have a happy, healthy relationship with his children but that should be possible without all the craziness that that woman, and his way of dealing with her, have inflicted on my mental health in the last couple of years. I wouldn’t wish this type of situation on anyone, it is horrific.
Hi, know this was a post a while back,. I have a question. My boyfriend of almost a year has been playing words with friends with his 2nd ex wife. They have no children together, and at one point before we met, they talked after their divorce and said that it would not work out with them. they dated about 2 years and were married a year.. So it started out playing words with friends, then she started occasionally sending him messages saying hello. we had a disagreement regarding her, and that evening he talked with her thriugh the game about it. Just the other day I was on his game ( with his permission) and saw he asked about where she worked. So i asked him if he saw her, he answered back at first the question really slowiy. Like he was thinkign. then said he felt like he could not talk to anyone. I thought was quite vague, and told him he can talk to whoever he desires to. He then told me he called her and spoke. He says she is really happy with the guy she is with, and he was telling her about me and how happy he was and how great I am to his son who he has custody of and is not hers. He says he even told her we were trying to have a child. I understand him talking to his 1st ex about his son, I do not understand about the 2nd. and why it went from playing an online game to texts thru the game to the call. My husband is deceased, and I dated but not exclusive till my boyfriend, and that was about 2 years after my husbands death. I dated, and one guy for several months that he considers my ex. he does not understand why i talk to him, related to that fact we were roomates he moved out and neeed him to get the rest fof his things out. My question, he says he is really happy, i am the best person he has ever been with, he loves me and has no desire to be with her. really has no reason to talk to her, he said this previously as well. Should I be concerned? I am new to this ex wife thing. To be honest, I wonder as he has a very small circle of friends, less then 5, he said she is like an aquainence, and does not want to be rude to her. Please help me. I am confused and did get upset told him, he can do what he wants, i can not control him, i do not understand why he needs to keep in contact with her . he sees taht this upsets me. I want to trust him on this, but feel concerned. Thanks
Hello again, this is Liz from way back in the posts. I would like to offer some additional advice to the readers. I am both a person who has dealt with this issue in my own life and I’m also as a professional who studies human behavior. So here is a key thing to recognize and take to heart……watch what they DO, not just what they SAY.
Many of the posts read something like….”he SAYS he loves me, he SAYS he wants to be with me but he still goes to his ex’s house to fix the faucet, or calls her, or stays the night at her house (or insert whatever here) even though he knows it upsets me” Forget what he SAYS, watch what he DOES. What he is doing is key here – what he is DOING is speaking volumes about where his priorities are. Should you be worried? The answer is how do you FEEL about what he is DOING (not what he is saying)?
PS same applies if it’s a girlfriend in an inappropriate relationship with her ex. Same rules still apply.
Hurting and so confused
I can so relate to this topic and my experience is this.
Ive been with my man for 7 yrs and he is still so involved with his x. He says its nothing and that I should get over it and he calls her every day . Usually now when i leave the house cuzz it upsets me so much, Its not conversations regarding kids or finances its personal he cant not talk to her and he stays at her home when he goes to visit and im supposed to be okay with that. I asked him if we are ever going to get married ide so like committment but his answer to me is if I pay for the divorce or he will marry me in Mexico where he can still stay legally married to his X. Im fighting myself over what to do it is the hardest thing I have ever lived with but dammit I cant keep on like this either. Hurts to much.
This was a wonderfully informative article, and much like the other commenters I’m hoping I can get some advice for my situation. My bf and I have been dating for almost a year, and just moved in together a month ago. He is not divorced yet. He and his ex were married for 5 years, and have dogs, but no children together.
During the time that we dated and did not live together, I was aware of her contacting him daily, but now that we live together it’s always in my face. On one hand, I’m glad that they have an amicable relationship, but on the other hand I feel like he’s still too intertwined with her life/needs. I brought up my concerns with him and he assured me that the constant contact is just because it’s still the first month of him “officially” being moved out and they are just talking about the sharing of the dogs and house issues (while we dated, they owned the house together, now he has given it to her). We both moved out of state to start this “new life”, but I get so jealous that he’s still in constant contact with her. I am not one to snoop, but lately I’ve found myself looking through his email and see that he still helps her with her business and advises her on pretty much everything. It’s beginning to feel like I’m in a relationship with someone who’s in a relationship with someone else. I don’t want to give up on us, and I have hope that this constant contact is just going to fade with time, but I am beginning to feel differently about us as a result. I was single for a long time before we met, and refused to settle for just anyone. He is my perfect match in every aspect aside from this. I should also mention that she has a boyfriend that is moving in with her in a few weeks.
So my question is, what’s the best way to approach this with him? Should I ask him to clarify a timeline of how long they will be continuing constant contact? I also want him to be open with me about her contacting him, but I noticed that when I brought it up the first time that it upset me, he just is more secretive about their contact as not to upset me. That’s not what I want, I want an open and honest relationship, but I will only tolerate sharing him for so long.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Dear Shay,
The reason it feels like you are in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, is because you ARE in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else! You don’t have to wonder here, it’s pretty clear. He has, without any ambiguity, indicated he intends to maintain that connection to her. Watch what he’s actually doing (maintaining constant contact with her) versus what he TELLS you. Unfortunately his actions are speaking volumes. You deserve someone who is totally in to YOU! Who thinks he hit the jackpot with YOU. You are an amazing person and deserve better. There are 1,000 guys who would gladly be in his place. Don’t settle sister!
-Liz
Wow… after reading these letters from different people struggling with the same issue I have been…. I am so sad that this problem is so common. While I was going through my divorce I became re-acquainted with a man I had known many years ago. He was supposedly going through a divorce also. 3 years later he is still married and ohhhh what a roller coaster it has been. The first two years were awesome! I know he knows how to be a good mate. The last year, though, has been hell….. I have hung in there and find myself exhausted and wondering if I have not wasted three years of my life. He says he loves me, wants to be together but keeps in constant communication with his ex (they have lived apart the whole time). I don’t mind that he helps her on occasion but I do mind when they discuss personal issues (including our relationship) and that he lies to me about spending time with her. His truck broke down and instead of borrowing my extra vehicle….he borrowed hers. The most frustrating part was that it was her only vehicle so they had to ride share everyday to work. I found out they were stopping to eat out every night on their way home. This has gone on for several months. The real kicker was that he spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with her. He lied to me about her being with him. She calls him incessantly and it is daily. He still says he wants to be with me and that he is indeed getting divorced. Is he? How long do I hope? I am worn out. I feel stupid and if I break up with him…. I will never date anyone that says he is getting divorced. I will only be dating someone who IS divorced. I am so frustrated I have fallen sooo in love with him and am having a hard time leaving even with all that has transpired.
Christina,
Maybe some people could tolerate that. Maybe some people feel you need to be “mature” and handle it, but I wouldn’t. I’d call bullshit and get out. Sorry, but it seems like he is not over the ex.
I might be old fashion, but I want a partner who confides in me, turns to me, NEEDS me. Not someone else.
I’ve been separated from my husband for over 2 years. We have children together so we do text, call or email every couple of days concerning things with our children but that’s it. However, despite me doing the paperwork needed for our divorce through a mediator over the last two years, he has not done it once and basically ignores and texts or emails concerning scheduling appointments with the lawyer or getting his paperwork done. He only responds if I’m actually talking to him when he picks up the kids, says he’s going to do it but never does.
He’s been seeing his girlfriend since the day he moved out, they had been friends for years, so maybe there was something before? Who knows, but they’ve now been living together for over a year. I know she threatens to leave because the divorce isn’t final but she doesn’t.
I truly believe he’s not doing the paperwork because he doesn’t want to be divorced. I’m not saying he wants to still be married to me, I really don’t believe that, but I think he doesn’t want to get divorced because he knows as soon as he does the clock will start ticking with the new girlfriend wanting to get married. He doesn’t want to get married again, he doesn’t want to have children again, he’s told me this and he tells his friends this. When they tell him it’s not fair to her because she’s probably expecting that to happen he says it’s not his problem.
Now I know he cares about her, maybe loves her, but he’s like any man and will only do what he absolutely has to do and will live his life like he wants to. When we were dating he told me he’s never getting married. After a year of this I told him I was dating other people because we had different goals. He stopped calling for 3 months and I moved on. Then he starts calling again, we start dating again, and 6 months later we were engaged. Now 15 years later he realized he’s just not cut out for the family life. That’s fine, I couldn’t breathe for a year but I’m better now, but the point is he KNEW he didn’t want to get married, even to me, but didn’t want to lose me.
So if a guy isn’t divorced it’s because he doesn’t want to be. No other reason. If they want something they figure it out and DO it.
Good luck
Thank you, Ann, for providing a helpful (and non-judgmental) point of view from another perspective.
Ann, your last statement really nails it ” If they want something they figure it out and DO it.” These men are not victims. They are making choices that serve themselves. Granted we all do this but we need to keep this in perspective when we are wrestling with how we (the new girlfriend or wife) are dealing with those choices. These men are doing exactly what they want to do. They are doing what feels right to THEM. We need to stop and take a look at what that says about our place in their life. What it says about the priority they place on us and our relationship. I think there should be a lot less wrestling with the relationship and trying to change the man…..and a whole lot more LEAVING the man.
-Liz
Hi. I’m a divorced dad and dating a divorced mom. The relationship is very hard from my perspective because I was pretty open about her meeting my kids and she with me meeting her child very early on. However, I found out later that she didn’t want me at her house when the exhubby dropped off the child. Then I found out that her ex participated in a once-a-week hockey game with her and the son–not always, but enough that my crew and I cannot participate. Then, even after she was attending my children’s activities (3+ months into relationship), I couldn’t go to her child’s. She claims it is because her ex is very difficult and the child will suffer. But now over a year into the relationship, I find through the emails she shares with me and the ex’s involvement with the child, he seems to be quite reasonable.
The gf is getting mad at me for continually stressing about this situation, but I want her to establish boundaries. My crew has become very close with her and her child. We spend nights at their place and vice versa. We have “family dinners.” We went a way recently for a ski trip. We spent a week with them last summer on vacation and also celebrated thanksgiving with gf’s family in another state.
I just feel she needs to talk to the ex and establish that my relationship with her and her child is real and I shouldn’t be expected to miss activities and it is okay for me to be at her house when he has to pick up or drop off the child (her new strategy is to do all the driving–pick up and drop off when I’m around, which pisses me off because it is avoidance).
Comments please!!!
Hi everyone!
Had some time to jump in here.
Walt: I agree completely. She needs to stand up to her ex and quit living in fear.
Christina: Lying and talking about your relationship with her are unacceptable. I would not stay in that situation.
Shay: I agree with Liz. He hasn’t cut the cord yet and you’re getting the short end of the stick.
Roxy: Nothing acceptable about that situation.
Danielle: I believe friends with an ex is fine if boundaries are appropriate. But some don’t agree, and you have to decide if you can accept it.
Nan: A “Divorced Husband” + Angry/Difficult Ex. Massive deal-breaker, especially without intervention.
I think some of you would benefit from reading Dating the Divorced Man, if you haven’t already. The 2nd edition gets into these issues more. Don’t settle for someone who can’t meet your needs!
Christie
Hi Christie.
I’ve been reading your blog and it’s really nice. I want to share my experience and get an expert’s advice. I am currently in a relationship with a divorced man. He is supportive and committed to us. He has 3 children but grown ups with the ex1 and no child with the ex2 and I have 3 kids, too. We are almost 1 year and 9 mos now. We do love each other however his ex2 would sometimes ask him a favor (financial help). My man is very supportive to his family (ex 1) but I feel sometimes his generosity is too much. Lately he said that his ex 2 is asking him a favor to help her get a reliable car. And he is willing to do that. He said that he is not going beyond the boundaries. They’ve been divorced now for almost 2 yrs and the ex2 would only remember him when she needs help. I am confused and I really love him but his is still showing kindness to his exs. I understand that he has to help his kids although the two are grown ups. He said that he is into “do unto others” which I accept but should a divorced man be generous to his ex other than the financial settlement they have agreed upon? If the man is too kind to his ex, does it mean he is still love the ex or it’s just his nature? What should I do? Thanks
babe, it can be either due to attachment or just Nice Guy Syndrome. Ultimately, you have to decide whether you can live with this. Some can, many can’t. It’s okay if you can’t, but then you’ll have to move on. Sorry you have to face this…
No its not normal. My ex husband calls me all the time, we have no kids but its because he wants to get back together with me and he is married. Its not normal no, obviously he wants to be back with the first wife.
I need advise pls. Just recently learned that my boyfriend for 7yrs was still married but they are separated for 16 yrs now. I was upset because He lied to me. He said that He don’t want to lose me. But she is still included on his health card benefit and she is very sick. My boyfriend now sees her in the hospital to support her in said surgery. as she needs to go surgery. My conscience is eating me up. Feels like competing with a dying wife. Hv told him to just go back to her and attend to her needs and patch things up but He is insisting that he loves me and don’t want to loose me and that He no longer hv relationship on her aside from her health care needs. I am confuse and hurt. I feels like I’m in between them because He is still married to her though they are separated for long years. I am also hurt telling him that he did not divorce her given that we are now in 7 yes relationship. He denied of still clinging with their marriage. He is very good to my 2 children and I’m a single mom. My kids had loved him so much already but they are not aware of our situation. I don’t wanna be a bad model for my children or be a mistress because of his existing marriage but I also love him. Pls. help me get my mind clearer.
Listen to ALL single ladies NO it is not ever normal for a divorced man to keep in touch with his ex-wife, UNLESS they have kids or its about the kids, if they are FRIENDS 100% of the time he wants her back, do not fool or kid yourself that they are just friends. You can never ever be just friends with someone you used to be married to NEVER.
I’m sorry, I think I got you confuse because of my pain. I am a single mom of 2 and divorce for long long time as my ex has not treated me right and went with another woman and now has his own family. I know the feeling of being cheated but he got nothing to do with my current life. He never communicated with my children as well.
Me on the other hand after years of being alone and single mom met a guy online who said He was single. This guy is nice to me and my children that our relationship is on its 7th year now. Its a long distant relationship and He sees me 4 to 5 times a year.I hv been waiting for his proposal but not pushing on it as I wish my kids to be in college first before i face my own life. He plans of moving here to me and live together 2 years from now and apply for his early retirement. But I just learned recently that He is separated for 16years now but not divorce yet. Wife is on another state. I also learned that wife is still using his medical benefit as a wife and beneficiary as she is now very sick/cancer. My boyfriend told me that He don’t communicate to her anymore except from death of their son last year.
Anyway, the wife is going for surgery and she wants my boyfriend to be around as she is scared. My boyfriend went there and he keeps on telling me that He loves me and don’t want to loose me. I feel sorry for the wife current situation. I also love my boyfriend but I feels like its not right that I am in this picture. My conscience is eating me up as it feels like I am fighting with a dying person. I also don’t want to be a mistress. I dont think she knows about me too. Feels like im on the 2nd in line. I am torn of my love for him and trying to understand him, telling me He loves me so and that He honestly separated from his wife for long years now.
My children sees him as a real dad but they are not aware of our situation. He is a good provider before when i dont have anyone and anything and phones us everyday and maintained good relationship with me especially with my children. Am I selfish if I cannot wait and understand him? I feel so dirty as a woman. Never would I want to be in this situation. I love him but he lied to me. I have set myself of taking care of him someday as He is 15 years older than me and He had been good to my children. But now it feels like my soul is now burning after learning that He was still married. ( pardon me if I would touch people here who are in between a married relationship. I am not clean and not intending to affect anyone. It is just me, of my belief).
I told him to just go back to his wife and perform his vow especially that she is sick. But he is insisting that he loves me and wants to be with me. I wish to be loved…just me. I don’t want to step in a married mans life and be a mistress even he is separated as it made me a mistress if he is not divorce yet….right? I know I have my answer. And I’m trying to keep clarity of my mind over my heart. And I wish to hear from you here to learn more of same situation like mine. Thank you.
Amor,
My heart is honestly breaking listening to these stories. I haven’t been through any relationships like this, so I can’t even attempt to know what that part of it is like. For me, I read these and I have to say that I tend to get frustrated, but it’s not that I’m mad AT any of you, I am mad FOR you ladies. I hope that you all know that you deserve better than these men and the situations you are in. They just aren’t worth your time if they feel it is ok to treat you this way. Love may be painful and it may be painful to break things off, but it’s for the best. Sometimes it’s about the person and sometimes it is the timing that is wrong and sometimes, the whole situation and relationship is wrong for you. You need to WANT better for yourself and I know you ladies do because you wouldn’t be here asking for advice. You need to start telling these men what is you want and expect fro them(and Honesty being a HUGE deal and should be number since some of them haven’t been as honest as they should be!)and don’t take no for answer, but…that is if they are SINGLE men. If they are married, then you need to cut them loose ASAP as it isn’t right. Amor, you said you feel “dirty?” Well, what is done is done and you didn’t know that he wasn’t single at the time. Now, you DO know he is married so you can make the choice to leave him be. Once you know about it, you can’t claim to not know any better. These men are hurting multiple people in the situation and they need to learn they can’t do that. Don’t be afraid to lose something that wasn’t meant to be in the first place. We, women tend to want to do the “right” thing even if it is truly the wrong things a.)because we are afraid of losing the person or b.)we think we’re in love and we’re somehow “protecting” them by not giving them the Truth. Maybe these men need to lose everything in order to wake up! They aren’t doing you any good, esp. if they are lying to you(esp. about being MARRIED!). Nothing can come about a relationship with a married man. The fact that she is dying doesn’t matter either, he is trying to use that as justification for having another relationship? That’s sad and I’d hate to be a dying woman whose husband couldn’t even wait until I was in the ground to pursue someone else.
I’m going to be honest here, a couple of RED FLAGS went up when I read what you wrote above. You mentioned that this is a Long-distance relationship. I cringe when I hear people say this. The fact is, when you are that far apart in distance, you have no idea what he/she is up to(esp. if you are living in different states). He already lied about being married, but do you know for a fact that his wife is indeed dying from cancer? It’s not that I’m trying to be negative ladies, I’m just a person who questions things a lot(it’s just who I am),esp. when it doesn’t sound right to me. He has already shown that he capable of lying, so why could he not be lying about other areas of his life? He may also have other mistresses as well for all you know. This just isn’t a good situation for you to be in. These type of men can be VERY crafty and good at their “game.” They know how to sweet talk, share stories to make you feel sorry for them, etc…and a lot of them have either done it before or they have multiple women all over the place, so they learn what will work on her and what doesn’t by practice. If most women in their lives put up with them without questioning anything, then they’ll keep it doing it because it WORKS! You have to show them that you know what they’re up to and that you will not put up with it! Show them that you can do without them and be willing to walk away(which you should do anyway because he’s married)! You have to love and respect yourself more than they do(and obviously, they don’t if they can do what they want to you and know that you’ll take it. Show them that they CAN’T.)
Anyway, ladies, by no means am I trying to be mean(I can be harsh at times in forums and I don’t mean to be, but it’s like “C’mon now, wake up!”), but you have to toughen up a bit and be willing to lose. The truth be told, men actually have more respect for the woman who won’t take his crap and is willing to tell him where to go. A woman who will do whatever he wants, whenever he wants just to keep him, ends up losing his respect(and ultimately him in the end too when he ends up meeting the woman that causes him to fall in love.). NEVER, I repeat NEVER be someone’s door mat! ALL of you no matter what you’ve been through and what you’ve done can come back. I am a Christian woman( I know not everyone here is and I can respect that)and I really believe in forgiveness and second chances in life. I believe God can forgive pretty much anything you ask for and He can work in your life if you let Him. Secondly, if you’ve decided to change your situation for the better, then you also need to be able to forgive yourself. Again, we can’t change what we’ve already done as the past is the past, but we can start new today. There is nothing you can do that can’t be forgiven and there is nothing that you can do that cannot be changed from here on out. You can wake up every morning knowing that today is a new day and that it’s another one that you have the power to change for the better, but YOU have to want it for yourself first. No one can do this for you 🙂
We can’t go backwards ladies(no one can do this. If we could, I’m sure ALL of us would have things we wouldn’t have done or that we would’ve done much differently. There is no point in focusing on what you’ve done because it’s done. Rather, start today focusing on what you are going to do NOW from here on out.), but we CAN make changes going forward in life right? We CAN say that today is the Day that changes in my life are going to be made. We can say what we will and will not accept. And we CAN love ourselves and know that we deserve a spouse who loves us and cares for us and would treat as he does himself. I know this sounds silly, but try to either a.)make a list of all the things you want to see changed in your life or b.)use a mirror to practice with, telling yourself what is that you want to see changed and then tell yourself what you will not accept from others who are currently mistreating you.). Like I said before, do not be afraid to lose them. Anyone who can lie to you and deceive you isn’t worthy of your time(that’s the truth), they’re not. I don’t care how “nice” or how “caring” or how “affectionate” they are, they aren’t respecting(much less loving) you if they’re lying to you period!
Ladies, you can do this! I know you can and even though I don’t know any of you here, I believe that you all have strength inside of you to make these changes in your life, you just have to find it, it’s in there! Life isn’t easy, nor is love or the choices we have to make but it all starts with YOU and asking yourself what it is you want out of life for yourself, which I hope is the very best! If a stranger wants to see better for you, then there is no excuse for you not wanting better for yourself!
You know what you have to do ladies and you CAN do it!
Blessings!
Thanks Alannah. I know I have to be firm though its painful and as a Christian, I can’t be a doormat and be in between a relationship. I didn’t know that he is still married till recently. They live on separate state and I just also learned about her and her medical condition because I asked him.
I have been going with a lady for 8 months are relationship is awsome except the ex husband wont stay out of our lives and its the only thing we have ever fought about she knows how i feel and continues conversing with him meeting him and continue to tell me she loves me with her heart and loves him with her head is this possible and where should i go from here.
You are nice, most men would have left awhile ago. She obviously still loves him
Kevin,
When you have a relationship that is “awesome” it feels blue and pure. But it sounds like you have 90% blue and 10% red…the ex-husband. So in essence you have a purple relationship…neither blue or red.
She is NOT respecting you or the relationship.
Did they have kids together? If not, he should be 100% gone. Ex’s are ex’s.
Time to give her an ultimatum.
Dave
Kevin,
As I had to hear from others on here, you are getting the short end of the stick & her actions speak volumes(this advice helped me immensely). She is not appreciating you or giving you the undivided attention that you deserve. She is being unfair and quite honestly cruel by keeping him around. While her heart may be with you, her head is having it’s cake and eating it too. If they do not have children together, then it sounds like it’s time for you to take a step back and reevaluate your place in this relationship.
Good luck!
Wow, Kevin, your situation is way worse than mine (see march 28 comment) and I broke it off. She was mad that I was seeking advice and saying I wasn’t portraying it correctly and that no one could understand her situation. She said the abuse and the deceptions from the ex, who was an alcoholic and possibly narcissistic/bpd, has traumatized her and that bringing me to the sporting events or mingling us in any way is just too hard. I’ve had women who suffered actual physical abuse say they would never allow their exes to prevent them from doing something they want to do.
Well, here I am about a month out from breaking up and still agonizing over my decision. I really loved her and thought she was amazing, but the situation with her ex–which she claimed “is evolving and getting better every day”–just wasn’t right. Considering my ex cheated on me, lied for months and got violent, I can’t handle situations that aren’t straightforward. In our case, I’d dump her immediately.
Sorry.
Hello All,
I’m hoping some of you can shed some light on my current situation. I was introduced to Brad through my friends who also happen to be my coworkers. We have been dating each other secretly for the last 10 months, and secretly meaning that we haven’t told our mutual friends. The problem, however, is that he is separated (this happened before I came into the picture) from his wife and they have a 5 year old daughter together. He moved out of the home they owned together over a year ago, leaving the house to her even though he’s the one who mostly has their daughter 5-6 days a week. His wife rarely spends time with their daughter and tends to act too busy to take her a lot of the time. He adamantly stated to me on several occasions that there is no love interest what so ever between the two of them and that things are legitimately over, with no chance of getting back together at all. He and I get along so well, we have great chemistry, and everything between the 2 of us are amazing. I know we both had developed very deep feelings for each other and he constantly told me how good I was to him and that I was overall such an amazing girl. It got to the point where I honestly felt I was in love with him, however I never told him that. Neither of us ever told each other I love you.
We have never argued about anything, other than when I express my disappointment in his decision to keep things so close with his ex. They keep in contact everyday and I don’t mind that, as I understand that he has to do what’s necessary to co-parent with her. My issue, which I have voiced to him on several occasions, is that he still goes over to their home to “play house”. What I mean by this is that he goes over there to water the yard, cut the grass, take out the garbage, and fix things for her all the time. Also, when he drops off or picks up his daughter, he will bring his ex food on occasions. He says that he doesn’t see anything wrong with it since he’s already picking dinner up for their daughter anyway. Other examples have been where she asked him to take down the xmas tree, turn on the heater for her before she gets home, etc etc. She clearly was the one in control during their marriage and he’s such a nice guy that he doesn’t ever say no. I never understood why these things were his responsibility when he didn’t live there anymore. It sounds to me like she just orders him around and he allows it. He tells me that he does what she asks because he doesn’t want to upset her in any way so that she will be spiteful and resort to taking custody of their daughter. This excuse started to get really old for me and and as time went on, I started to feel very resentful towards him because I was hurt by the fact that he didn’t seem to take into consideration my feelings and how his actions affected me. After all, they are separated so why is he still taking care of her as if they aren’t? I told him that his obligations were to his daughter, and not to his ex and that he needed to set boundaries. At times, he would apologize and tell me that he didn’t mean to hurt me by doing these things for her. He told me things would change and that he would no longer do those little things for her anymore, unless it was something more serious that involved maintenance of the home.
They recently mutually decided to put their house on the market and she found an apartment to move into. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that he spent a whole Saturday, along with our mutual friends, helping her move into her new place. I saw him the night before and he failed to mention any of it to me. I felt so hurt and so betrayed. I expressed my opinion that it bothered me that he had to do this for her and that it wasn’t his responsibility to help her move. He got really defensive and told me that he was only helping her because she asked him to and that it WAS his responsibility because it’s his daughter moving too. I highly disagreed and told him that I was done with the relationship because it appears that he will be taking care of her for the rest of her life. I was fed up and might’ve gotten too ahead of myself when I spoke those words. But we talked over it and things were fine until that following Saturday morning when he was lying in bed with me and she called him at 8am. Within 15 minutes he was getting up and dressed, ready to leave. He said that he had to go and clean the house out and detrash it for the new buyers while she took their daughter to a birthday party. I accused him of lying and questioned why he had to leave as soon as she called. Again, he got really defensive and aggravated. But once again, we talked it over and things were fine. From there on out, his daily texts to me started to dwindle and he opted to use his usual pet names for me in the texts, like babe and honey and the kissy face emoticons. He also stopped telling me he missed me. I saw him once more after that this last Tuesday when he came over to pick something up. His demeanor was different and I could sense a distance between us. However, he still flirted with me here and there and acted as his usual self on occasion as well. Wednesday & Thursday came and he texted asking how my day was in the evening, but avoided being sweet like he usually is. Friday came and suddenly no text. It’s now Monday and I still haven’t heard from him. I’m so confused and so hurt that he has yet to offer me any explanation. I’ve been doing what the normal person would do, and that is blame myself for giving him a hard time about his situation with his ex. Maybe it became too much for him to handle and he just got tired of it. Whatever it is, I feel so heartbroken that the guy I grew so close to has suddenly decided to not contact me at all for the last 4 days. I never expected him to be the type that would leave me in the dark and give such cold treatment. His silence speaks volumes, I guess, and this is his way of telling me that things are over between us. Either way, I feel like everyone deserves an explanation. Did I not mean anything to him??!! I feel stupid and regretful that I spoke up for myself, as now I’ve clearly pushed him away. I know I’m probably better off, but I do miss him terribly and wish that we could work through it. I haven’t made an effort to contact him, as I get the hint and don’t want to appear desperate even though I am dying inside…
I am engaged to a man that has been divorced since 1984 and has two adult children. Though I accepted, while his youngest was a minor and, though he promised that him helping his ex wife was only because it was helping his kids that that would stop once the youngest became an adult, I feel it has not. His ex wife feels she can call him to ask for help and he continues to do things for her. They purchase birthday gifts together though the both are well off and don’t need to share the expense. He also said this would stop once the youngest was an adult and it hasn’t. I have to sit there and listen to them give them their gifts and they say proudly this is from mom and dad. I can understand this happening when children are small but not when children are adults. I have told him that it hurts how I am not included with the offering of the gift but even more so that he refuses to just purchase a gift from us separate from the ex wife’s gift. I asked him to sit his kids down to tell them how much he loves them, that we are there for them and they are old enough to come to us directly when they need or want something, that it was no longer necessary to go thru their mom and he never did it. I tried to make him understand that our relationship needs to based on two and not three, how their closeness makes me feel uncomfortable and that I feel that her feeling comfortable calling him to do things for her and he allowing it, is not helping our relationship. He says I am insecure and being unrealistic. I don’t think I am.
Well, i see I am not alone in this at all. That gives comfort.
My husaband has 3 children from his fist marriage and we have 3 together. When he divorced 14 yrs ago they were aged 6/9/11, so they are now 20/23/25 and he still feels terrible about what he inflicted on them . After the divorce when he decided to come and live with me (and ultimately marry and have 3 more children) this meant he lived 2 hours away. He generously agreed to pay out his ex part of their house, continue to pay mortgage all alone while she could stay for free in the house until their youngest child would be 20 (and yes she does have a job and income. )also, she Never was involved in children’s transportation back and forth.My husband is not a rich man and this had heavy financial repercussions on my/our situation and added immense strain on me whilst raising 3 young chilfren. I kept pleading that he ask her to pay a small rent, but he would not hear of it, it is all for the sake of the children of course. He wouldndrive up 1 or 2 times per week and stay overnight, becuase the mother had depressions or because the children missed him or because he would be too tired to come home.
I heavy heartedly and with alot of good will accepted this, becuae i do know the children were there before me and i didn,t want to rob them of their father by being an evil stepmom, and i actually think that worked out ok, i like his children, not love, and they get on quite well with their younger half siblings.
It s as his children got older, it got more and more difficuly for me emotionally to cope. Whilst they have grown up, study, work,… He still drives up, sleeps there, will take them on a 2 week vacation this summer.expensive vacation(without me or the 3 younger children) . Whenever they squeak, he runs. I feel he doesn t give them a chance to grow up, or as someone else posted , he loves to be needed, he needs to be needed. And when they are here, there are no rules about dressing beds, clutter lying around or helping me, the poor children see him so little, would i mind just keeping my thhoughts myself, they are only there for the weekend.
Now, this year the youngest is 20 and the ex was suppsed to move out of the house, but she came down with a terrible depression and of course, he can no longer ask her to leave, as she is the mother of the children, and if she is not well, neither are the children. She has started to pay a very small rent though instead -less than half of market value, and in addition to that, he is building an appartment on the house, for her to move into, so that thierndaughter can move into the house with her boyfriend , and there is plenty of space for him to stay, when he is there.
When he mentioned that project, i cracked up. i have had no leave of absence with my kids, i have no family support, i am paying all my earnings into the household and have been unable to spare money during those years. With all these privileges he enables to his other family, I felt terribly cheated an set an ultimatum, simply stating, that i just cannot take that anymore. That he is not responsible for his ex, and that his children are old enough to meet life challenges without him always helping. Let them figure things out for themselves! But no, they may be over 18, but 2 of them are still studying and they are still very young adults, plus, don,t forget all the pain he inflicted on them when he left their home when they were young. And that i need to get used to it, because they are always going to be his children and hopefully in acouple of yrs time, he will have his fist grandchildren, and he will be driving up to them and staying there aand take them to places and buy them things.
Of couse he does not agree with me and calls me greedy, jealous amd poison. Neevertheless he is going on with his house extension plans, but i insisted on at least that this household gets some of the money his ex is paying, as some sort of compromise. That finally is happening, though it was a bitter stuggle. Now i want him to get therapy because his bonds and guilt feelings are pathologic. Our marriage is quite on the edge of failure and i have entirely withdrawn emotionally and physically, but i do not want to give up until i have used all resources, i don’t feel like getting into yet another relationship that starts all in pink and then reveals other weaknesses. I feel i am in this to learn important lessons about myself, and besides his exagerated bond, he is a good guy and a vey attentive father to our children we have together (though also too nice and slack…) I do believe there is nothing on between his ex and him, it’s simply he’s “sick”, overly emotional, sensitive, plagued with guilt, idolizes his children. When i told him he’s a great dad but not good example as to how a man should behave as a husband, and that most likely his second marriage will fail, he started thinking a bit more seriously.
So the story is not yet over, whilst writing, i felt like a naive fool for swallowing so many years, it is tough raising my own 3 kids as i was often alone because he had to be with the big ones… I have become much stronger now and i voice my opinion, i love my wonderful kids -god bless them-i have a good job, good social life, good girlfriends to laugh and cry with, i pray that god might have mercy on a second wife and perhaps restore our ragged marriage. We all have struggles in life . This one is mine!
My husband has never changed his routine when he was married to his ex-wife. She had been married before he met her and her ex-husband had custody and she had visiting rights. (She never ever saw her first child)
She constantly had affairs and would leave him for other men. They did have a son together. Jury is still out if the child was his?? Eventually they divorced, remarried, divorced get the picture. I did not have all this information when I first met him. Too young, naive and trusting. He used sport as an excuse to be away at the sporting clubs every weekend. I never went with or was invited to go with as I was not into sport. Little did I know that she was there every weekend as well with her then toy boyfriend (married him 5 yrs later) while I was being forced to play babysitter to their child – leaving them as free as birds. I felt used. The point is I only found out after being married to him 4 years down the line and he assured me it was all innocent. Needless to say marriage was ruined but we had children and life had to go on even though I had given up on him because of his cruel, selfish behaviour. She was also in constant contact with my mother-in-law. I never stood a chance. We did not get on, it was awkward and my mother-in-law always told me to leave my husband every chance she got. (No relationship there) I would pack up and leave with my sons and my husband would beg me to return and promise to sort out his mother and ex. Guess what? It was only words and no action and the cycle repeated itself over and over again.Eventually she remarried her first husband and saw her first child after 30 years. This man then killed her because she was leaving him once again for a toyboy boyfriend with whom she had her third child. She was like a yo-yo. To cut a long story short, my husband stopped drinking immediately when he found out she was deceased. Well, I guess I got the confirmation of my thoughts that I had always wanted. What a wasted life of sacrifice, of trying to be the better person, do all the right things for a selfish man. It got me nowhere! He did not recognise what gold he had and he ruined it. I do have a fantastic, close bond with my sons and they are highly educated professionals. I was both mom and dad to them and they turned out alright. They know that I sacrificed for them and that recognition from them is all that I wanted.
I wish to warn all young, single ladies out there, do not get involved with a divorced man. Marriage is hard enough as it is without a constant past third party being in the picture and you dont get to know about it! I sacrificed personal happiness for my children to give them a secure home at the expense of my own self-worth. I will never get the time back to make better choices and now I am older with an empty nest I do things selfishly to make myself happy. I now put myself first in everything. I am very weary of people who keep asking me to do favours. I excuse myself and leave as I will not put myself in a position to be used by anybody ever again.
What would you say about this situation ?
I have been married for 2 years.
I have grown children out of the house and my husband never had children, but he had troubled step kids from a previous marriage that are also adults (I do not mind if he stays in contact with his step kids).
However, every time there is least type of issue, the ex-wife is contacting my husband. That bothers me, because I feel she should be crying on her husband’s shoulder, not my husband’s (the one she chose to divorce). Also, her contact with him is not always limited to “her having an issue”.
After witnessing her manipulation of my husband on several occasions and knowing her history, I get the feeling that she is doing it just to show me that she can…
Am I totally off the mark here?
If not, how do I handle this tactfully with my husband and not make him feel foolish or that I distrust him; and not be the bad guy?
Some insecure males find validity in having two women “fight” over him. Don’t fall for it. It’s not always all the ex wife’s fault. I was once with a man who would carry tales of very private conversations to his ex-wife and then tell me she’d heard rumors about things from my past and how he was having to defend my honor to her. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended that I realized how he fed off keeping me and her at each other all the time and looking back I’m sure he was the one carrying all the secrets of my past to her and then when she’d use the details in later arguements, he’d say she heard them elsewhere because most of the things I told him, I’d never shared with anyone else and there’s no other way she could’ve known anything about it.
Sista: you make a good point. Even if he doesn’t realize it, a man can get “comfortable” with the ex/new girl dynamic and encourage it to keep going. He may not even want it necessarily, but can believe there’s no other way.
I agree with the article. Who wants to be with a man who is still emotionally tied to his ex-wife and/or ex-in-laws?? If this is the case, the man is only divorced in name only; he is still “married” to these people. If you are the new wife or new girlfriend, do you really want to always be #2?? I couldn’t deal with that. Either find a man who has moved on past his previous relationship and is not entangled anymore, or find a free man who doesn’t have that kind of past. Otherwise, you’re in for a lot of heartache!!!!!
Here is my situation: I’ve been married to X for 32 years. He was 2 children from a previous marriage that was very short and happened in his early 20s. She kicked him to the curb, got full custody of the kids, and then started playing mean visitation and child support games until they turned 18. During that time, he only contacted her to be able to see the kids. We haven’t had much contact with her since the youngest turned 18 – only a couple of weddings and graduations. Now his kids are older, have their own children, etc. His kids want us (really him) to be “friendly” with the ex-wife because of the grandkids – go on vacations together, have joint parties together, etc. The ex-wife even friended him recently on Facebook (he didn’t accept). The ex-wife was bitchy to both me and him while the kids are younger, and we really don’t want to have a relationship with her. However, we have been guilt-tripped into going on a group vacation that includes her because my husband really wants to spend time with his kids and grandkids. This unnerves me to no end! I am not comfortable with being “friends”. This is not Hollywood or the Sister Wives Show! I have been cordial, but his oldest daughter is pushing for a full-fledged friendly chummy relationship that I don’t want. What should I do??
I get the “we are still friends my ex and I” and so we are different than others… we sorted things differently… I think you would rather have them hate each other than to be friends to some degree although that has it issues too. The stories change everyday I speak to him from one day it is “we have settled things with the kids- she is helping one and I am helping the other”, but then “I make more money than my ex so I must help out the kid she is supposed to be responsible for.” We got a too nice guy with a too nice problem and that being he is still attached to his ex emotionally and they will both use the kids as bate to make excuses to keep in touch unnecessarily. I really wonder why they divorced only from what I know from him she had affairs over the almost 20 year marriage. To make matters worse, he tells me of the affairs then tries to cover them up and pretend they did not happen… I think this guy has to cut the cord definitely and if not soon, he will lose everything he has invested in with me! Thanks so much for this useful article- cut to the chase- the way I like it.
Help…. I’m so confused, my Husband and his ex-wife has been divorced for 2 years now, and we have been married for 9 months… they have 3 kids that he found out 3 years ago that they are no biologically his. They talk everyday andI try to respect that he ddoesn’t want to dismiss them out of his life… But I don’t know what to do anymore. .. I have 2 kids of my own and he treats them a lot different (not in a good way) and says he doesn’t believe in adoption. My kids father is not in the scene and never has been…. I’m ok with him not adopting them but my problem is one of the kids that he claimed came out to visit us and ended up staying for 5 months and it was a nightmare even for him… He recently returned to the mother and now everyday she calls for money or something… He talks to her all the time, helps her find jobs… will spend an entire day trying to find things for her… she’s in a completely different state.. and I don’t know weather I’m over thinking everything but I don’t think it’s fair to me…. it puts a major damper on our marriage. .. I wish he would just let go of that family and focus on our family and the life we are trying to build together… what do you think I should do… should I just give up and walk away… I’m tired of feeling my feelings get put on the back k burner and hers in from…
Hi,
One question, I was interested in a man who told me he was separated. We started to date, for me this is something new as I have never been with a guy who is separated. I truly believe he would divorce instead hen went back to his ex-wife, and we remained on civil terms as friends I figure life is to short to hate.
I was hurt but I hid my pain. So most recently he sent me a message saying my wife wants to have drinks with you?
I was in shock. My reply was look I have a boyfriend now I don’t mind being friends but I don’t feel comfortable incorporating you into my life and life events. He replied I am so happy you hit it off with your boyfriend enjoy each and ever moment.
Any input
Hi,
I was involved with a guy who had been separated for 10 years. I was under the assumption he would proceed with the divorce and during the time we dated he would be nice one minute and then freak out on me. I truly had feelings for him he decided to go back this wife and hid it from me saying they were co-parenting together. I backed off to watch how things would unfold he decided to move back in with her and as such I was left in the cold.
He then informed me that his wife would like to meet me for drinks, at that point enough was enough I said I have a boyfriend know (which I lied about) made up a name and told him I was happy. He said I am so happy you found someone to hit it off with enjoy each and every moment and stopped talking to me.
What do you think?
I was married for 22 years, I love my husband but he has his ways to be, I try family therapy, and I try and try but nothing work so I real eyes than for things to change I had to change so I decided to get a divorce, we been divorced for 1 year and we started having contact we have 23 and 18 year old this is no about the kids but about us, I know he is been dating on and off but he tells me that he loves me, that he still very attractive to me and he is always going to be there for me, at the same time I still love him and we sleep together a couple of times, I’m not dating anyone so I talked to him about it, he said he doesn’t want to be in a relation with one person anymore he wants to be free, he does not want to get married, he does not want to live with anybody he just don’t want to be for one person any more, I found myself very confuse because I believe a man that is happy dating the last thing he wants is go back to his ex-wife, when we are together is like we never got a divorce or better because we are not living together, I still love him and I wish we can work it out where we can be together living in different homes, I believe in my heart that he wants the same but he is letting people to influence in his decisions .
Please give me your opinion about it
Thank you
I have finally had the courage to leave my separated man which I never thought I would as honestly thought he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with.I just can no longer deal with what a messy complexsscenario I am in as he totally still seems to have one foot in his past but continues to say this is not the case. Sometimes I have felt like I am going crazy, or if I am the one in the wrong so be good to get anyone’s perspective. After being together a year from his marriage split my boyfriend had still not told his wife, child, family or friends about me. He wanted to give it time for his wife to get used to them not being together and kept saying “she has lost her husband”. So, I waited but felt my self esteem getting lower, never felt secure and yes we had some horrible arguments over prompted by me. During this period he was living half the time with me at my folks while we supposedly looked for a place to live and he went off to his folks at times to have his child. Apart from the being kept secret I thought we were moving forward with our lives but looking back how could we move forward when no-one knew about me and I hadn’t even met his child.
Then everything came to a head.I found out from a slip up he had spent a day out with his wife and child but even when this happened he continued to lie and say that it was because he was taking his child out for the day and he wanted his mum too. I have no issue with them taking their child out, I guess just felt hurt that we were not moving forward and I was not being introduced to the child so that we could all spend time together. Anyway, more and more lies and it came out that he was actually stopping at his old home to be with his child on the days he wasn’t with me. I was shocked and angry. I didn’t know what this meant, if he was trying to reconcile with his wife or it was just for the child. I wanted him to tell his wife and he said that he would. Your guess is as good as mine that he has, what can I believe after all the lies. But funnily when this all came to a head and apparently the truth was out, he turned away from me. Told me he has doubts as we have been arguing, he is not sure we work, even though he has been telling me for a year I am the love of his life. Then he disappears, drops right out of my life for 4 weeks. Only contact is message, telling me he is depressed, not sure of his mind (actually some of this could be true as he had a breakdown when he was younger) but he does not come to see me once. He has continued to drip feed me with he loves me and misses me during this time and we have talked about his depression, me being the someone he can talk to but, then I find out he is still stopping at his old house and not only that but flew back from a business trip at 1am and went there and even continued to work from home there the next day while his child was at school. This for me is just a boundary that’s not right, it’s like he is still live living there. I am heart broken as what we once had between us is so good but for me none of this is right. It’s like he doesn’t even acknowledge this or any of it is wrong. Is this wrong of me to think this?
I really want to write my story as want to know if its me or if the bounderies that have been crossed by my boyfriend have been as unacceptable as I feel. I honestly feel that I have been going crazy, this has all been a totally roller coaster for me and I have finally had enough. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year since he split from his wife. He has kept me for a year a secret from his wife, his child, his family and his friends. I have never met his child. He kept telling me to trust in him, that he wanted to give it time before telling them so that his wife could adjust, he didnt want to restrict his access, didnt want his family to disapprove. This was hard for me. The longer I was a secret the more my self esteem plummeted and I felt insecure, and yes at times we had some horrible arguments, driven by me over this. All the while with him telling me he understood as we both knew this was never going to be easy. We were in the meantime, aside from this very happy, living at my folks while we supposedly looked for a place together. Then things started crashing down. I found out by a slip up that he had spent a day out with his wife and child, a day he had lied to my face about being on his own with his child. I started to question everything, was this the first time, was he stopping at his old home, all of which he denied, telling me he had only spent the day with her also because their child was upset and wanted his mum to be with them. So, I kept questioning and asking, still more and more and more lies, and then I found out he was stopping at his old home. I dont know how many times this has happened, but am guessing this has been each time he has been away from me (as he has gone off for a few days each week telling me he was going to his family and having his child there). So I was hurt, angry and shocked. I had no idea what this meant. Was he trying to reconcile with his wife. Dont get me wrong I understand him wanting to be a family unit for his child, but in all this time, I had never been introduced and guess wanted us to be moving forward and me to meet his child and us, to start spending time together instead of him doing this with his ex. So, following this all coming to a head, what happens? He then tells me he is having doubts about me and him. We have argued too much, he has doubts that we can communicate!! And then he disappears saying he needs space, his head is a mess. I have not seen him once in four weeks. He has literally dropped out of my life. He has continued to message me, to tell me he loves me, to say sorry we are going through this, but has literally gone, but told me although he needs space he is not saying its over with me!
So after four weeks of this, and him saying he now is depressed (which I actually think could be the one truth in all of this) I find out that he is again stopping at his old house. He had a work trip and after flying back at 1am he went straight to his house, stayed and then worked from home there the next day (when his child was at school so not even there) and I guess he is still there now. Am I wrong to think that this is not right? I have told him that this is over for me. I mean this isnt a relationship when someone just disappears on you anyway. And you know what he has said that he is being honest with me that he feels so low and that he is tired of the fighting and if this is what I want then so be it. This from the person who told me I was the love of their lives and they couldnt bear to not be with me for a single day. I dont know how to feel. Is it me who made these mistakes?
I’m widowed, four years, after a twenty-eight year marriage. Did not date until last year. In relationship with that first date for year and a half now. He’s been divorced three times. All the children are adults, with kids of their own. His exes are always going to be part of his life, through the kids, grandkids and someday, great-grandkids. I do not have grandkids; my children are also adults, on their own. The hardest things to deal with is paying for the mistakes and behaviors of his exes. He was upset that I put a picture of my deceased husband on my dresser. He doesn’t understand that my deceased husband will never be part of our life, but his exes are forever and I do not like trying to make up for their mistakes. I am not the one that cheated on him, did drugs, drank myself to sleep everynight or assault him or his children. He just doesn’t get it. He’s 57, I’m 52. Doesn’t matter the age, the story is the same. Total tally of his “married” lives equals twelve years. I married once, and sadly, death did do us part, just as we stated in our vows. I’m not trying to play the saint here, but I just don’t understand his fear. Yes, I’d love to marry him, or be married again, but really afraid because of his record. I also believe divorce is never just one sided and I will never know both sides of the story. Any advice?
I’m glad I found this article. It’s funny, I really needed it. My BF and I basically had the perfect relationship until his ex wife decided she wasn’t done with him, yet. Without going into too much detail, it’s a control/validation issue with her. Texts/calls over every little thing when she has issues about pretty much anything.
I know what you’re thinking- I’m just jealous, right? Wrong. I want them to have a healthy relationship as they have 3 girls together and obviously need to provide a positive co-parenting relationship. I fully support this. The problem is, when ex wife gets stressed, or is having issues with current boyfriend, she runs to my BF for comfort, support, anything she needs basically. This causes my BF stress, which causes him to become distant with me and ultimately creates a wedge. I realized, after telling my BF I needed some space to sort some issues out, there’s a pattern between her ‘problems’ and the issues in our relationship.
I love this man. He’s really my ideal partner. However, he refuses to set boundaries because she constantly ‘needs’ his help. Does he love me? Sure. Does he miss me? Probably. Am I going to sit around and wait for him to realize none of his relationships will work out because ex wife won’t allow it? NO. Am I going to check back in in 6-12 months to see if he cut the cord with her? Negative.
I’m a beautiful, emotionally healthy, vibrant woman who will not put my happiness on hold for someone who wants to enable an emotionally needy woman. Period.
I NEED HELP.
I met my boyfriend when he was separated from his ex-wife 1 year ago and he said they were getting divorced. They no longer lived together, and they have 2 children. 8 months passed after he could file for divorce with her, after many financial and emotional problems, and they are finally separating on papers and are a few weeks from being completely divorced. In the middle of these months, I caught him sending text messages to her saying that he will ” always” love her no matter what, (3 TIMES, after I told him to not hurt me like that) they were married for about 15 years and I asked him why would he send this messages to her, if he was already in a relationship with me ??? He said that he loved me like a partner, husband and wife love, not like ”brother” . He says he thinks about her, like a little sister. Anyways, I am going through his divorce with him, many months being hurt and being jealous which I never had to act like this in my life before, but I was always trying to be patient, but sometimes it was too much for me and a few times I flipped out at him, for example: He would get DRUNK after fighting with ME, and going over his ex to stay the evening with his kids, DRUNK and then sleep there because he couldn’t drive home. He sees her almost everyday for simple things like: laundry, take care of the dog, and spent his birthday with her and 4th of July! their families together after I expressed my opinion about how I wasn’t comfortable with that. He always says its for the kids, but I no longer believe if that is the real reason. He always complains hes always alone because I am another country right now for a few months, and that his kids are the only thing he has. But I am so tired of trying to talk to him, and he never seems to understand why some things he does always has to involve his ex. Right now he wants to go to beach with her and their children and say a prayer to HER mother that passed away a few years ago, and I feel very uncomfortable since he’s not happy when I get in contact with my ex boyfriend’s mother, which I am perfectly fine cutting the contact with her to show respect for him. I don’t know if this is because his divorce is not done yet completely on papers, but he always seems to do everything to make her happy. I feel like the third wheel sometimes and I want some help from people who have been through this and give me some advice…. I don’t know what to do with my emotions anymore, I am so tired of arguing and fighting with him… please someone help me…
From someone that’s been there. Cut ties with him and move on. He won’t change. You deserve so much better. I did and got my old self back. Not stressing and worrying all the time. Its hard, really hard to do. But believe me after some time of being on my own. I am so happy. And its not until you look back and realise why we wasted time on these type of guys. I wish you every like in whichever way you go.
I have been dating a guy for 10 years. When we started dating, his ex wife was no where around. For the past 3 years, she has been in our lives. He has now started letting her stay at his house. He says she is only there when he is not. He stays with me a lot. They have 3 sons who are all grown. It keeps me tore up because I feel he disrespects me so bad by letting her stay at his house. I hate to end our relationship because I do love him. I don’t know!! I am really torn.
I have a question. What if you never got married to your x partner and you have a child together. We didnt cheat on each other we just mutually decided that it wasnt working. We both have new partners and are both happy. Would never want to get back with each other. But we still have to sort of be friends for the sake of our child. Were do you draw the line do we treat this as a devorce? Im willing to bet that it all depends on the circumstances of the break up and how your and their new partner see things? Its tough but communication I think is key between ex’s if you still have children as is trust.
Please help 🙁 Am I overreacting? we’ve just took “break” with my recently divorced partner. They still share a house together. He sleeps in my flat but goes to their house every day – to check on the daughter and the dog. I’ve been telling him for 6 months this is too much and that I want him to meet her less (say twice a week). he says he barely see her, just waves hello. But I feel it’s disrespectful to come to an ex’s home (their shared home) every day. He thinks I’m jelaous and would not make a slightest compromise. I was the one to tell him to call me when she is out of the house. But I’m afraid he’ll be checking on the daughter and dog daily even later in her home. Please help. I bent myself backwards to tolerate that. He’s gorgeous in all the other ways!! IS this “just waving hello” something I should just accept and be with him? please help
Im having this same issue. Except the ex baby mama just got back in contact with my husband. Like I told him I dont mind as long as they ONLY talk because of the kids. The daughter us in 10th grade and the son in 3rd. My husband told me right away to stay out of it and to not contact her as if she finds out shes causing us problems she will disappear as he knows how she is, she doesnt like drama. They text daily from morning to early morning the next day. Hatdly mention the kids. They ask how thier days are going, what they ate threwout the day, if she doesnt respond to his messages he gets mad and tells her to answer. I told him ince that I felt I was being disrespected as texting till 3am was unacceptable as I know they not talking about the kids. He didnt listen so I kindky told her out of respect to me to please not text my husband in which she told him I contacted her and he hot mad at me and told me to stop with the drama. He secreatly texts/calls her never tells me so when I find out he gets mad at me and reminds me its not my buisness. He tends to respond to her before me, he talks to her how he used to talk to me. Now when he contacts her I can tell as he will start to ignore me, at night has his back against me, wont wait for me or show me that he cares. If im in pain he tells me its what I want but yet his ex gets the flu and he asking if shes pregnant he tells me he loves me n her and that they areh only friends and they are starting where they left off so im wandering if I should leave or understand him more than I already do. Please help. Thank you, Rebecca or what the doctor say ect
Christie,
My husband divorced his ex about 30 years ago. His two sons are in their 30’s and have children of their own. Every time something happens with their Mother, they drag him into it. His ex is an alcoholic, on drugs and bipolar. Today she was found passed out with a knife in her hand. His son calls him asked him and gets him involved in making sure she is ok. He tries to use the excuse that he has to help the boys with their Mom. If I say anything, he gets mad at me. She was threatening suicide yesterday. After 20 years of this, I will gladly sharpen the knife for her to make sure she gets it right. Other than this piece of trash ex of his, we have a great relationship. I am just grateful she lives in FL and we live in IL. Is this normal? I am beyond sick of this.
Thanks so much again for posting this and having this here I need to remind myself of why I broke up with my boyfriend I gave him a second chance Hoping that things will be different with him and his ex-wife they don’t even have kids together then I come to find out the reason he broke his arm is because he was out playing tennis with her . when I went out of town on business he was out having lunch with her and doing all this other stuff I just that was on this Asseri it’s one thing to drop by to get some forms and take care of a few things but for me I just think it was a bit too close to home and playing tennis at such a social thing so in all reality he left the marriage physically but not emotionally . Also the issue of the fact that he’s letting her live in the house if they want to live in together for two years and more just shows it as more of a connection and I don’t think he ever got rid of the umbilical cord With her.
Nonetheless anyone else going through this always remember that there are boundaries and it’s really not very healthy to nurture an old relationship with and ask why you have someone new in your life especially one that’s living with you . In any case , thanks again I learned a lot from this lesson and I mean a lot and I’m very glad that I did
Here we go again..I gave my boyfriend a second chance when I told him the ex wife’s constant texting & not moving on was an issue. And no, they dont have kids. But, he is letting her rent the house they were in together as its a write off and its been increasing in value ( I think its some sort of co dependency thing).
They got divorced..about 6 months later, I saw in the phone she was the reason he broke his arm earlier that week..they were playing tennis ( he wasn’t at her house moving boxes).
I then learn that there has been so much stupid useless contact. I got irritated when she asked him to help her with the smoke alarm as she did not know how to remove the battery. He insisted that as he is technically her landlord, he is required to do so instead of just telling her how to so she would not bother him.
I then learn he is helping her write a script (no, she never was a writer..shes a secretary).
When their cat was sic, I even gave him names of extremely good cat hospitals..I saw the email he sent her with the info saying “a friend” gave him the info.
I also learn she got flowers on her birthday. As I could not say anything to him since I live with him & want to maintain peace, I vented on facebook without mentioning names. They saw it & for whatever reason, she was hurt..I do not think she knew much about how involved we are.
Nonetheless, I am not sure if I overreacted. A 55 year old person not knowing how to change a smoke alarm battery ..come on!
Texting him at 4pm and he returns my text at 11:30pm.
His ex text him and he return text in less than 3 hours window.
I’m ready for the move called out of the game so I can share my time with someone available to love me and respect me.
Thank you for all the comments.
Seven years ago, I found out accidently that he was texting this same old girlfriend, and I told him that if it happened again, it was a deal breaker.
At that time, our children were still living at home so I decided to remain in the marriage. Now we are empty nesters..
last month i came in contact with an old friend who introduced me to this site almondhackingarena. com
they helped me realize that my husband been having an affair with several other ladies through his phone text and fb..
i cannot thank them enough than to introduce their service to people out there in such dysfunctional relationship..
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Hi, everyone. I am sooo glad that I found this thread!!! My situation is a bit interesting. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. He has been divorced for about 3.5/4 years. Him and ex wife were together for 15 years. It started off with our first Christmas together being at my boyfriend’s house with him, his ex wife, and their kids on Christmas morning. The ex wife told me that she didn’t want anyone to feel left out (she was single at the time). It was so awkward to share our first holiday having to watch the kids open gifts from mom and dad, while I just sat there. I also had to purchase my own gifts for the kids since my boyfriend and his ex went in half on shopping. The ex did the shopping, and he reimbursed her for half of the stuff. Anyway, they had a tradition to buy pajamas for each other so knowing that they were still going to do that in my mind was very inappropriate. I felt that we should be starting our own traditions. They and the kids all were wearing their pajamas when I got to my boyfriends house early Christmas morning. (Ex was already there putting their presents under the tree) Ex asked me where my pajamas were, and I told her I didn’t wear them because my son didn’t have any and I didn’t want him to feel left out. Fast forward…so, they both share 50/50 custody and go to every event and function together. Even “family nights” they go together with the kids. The ex throws birthday parties and he pitches in for half of it. The ex calls or texts almost every day about kids and random things (boyfriend replies and answers), and she always makes it a point to my that she was first and my boyfriend is the father of her children (I respect and get that, but she doesn’t need to emphasize). Marking her territory. I use to do stuff with the kids and try to create lasting memories, but then she would think of it as I am competing with her. She would always call or want the kids right after, as to erase what we did together. I have stopped doing things because I am drained and emotionally exhausted from trying to do from my heart, and it meaning nothing. Ex recently got engaged, but my boyfriend still gives her advice on car issues and what not even though she has a man in her life. My boyfriend recently told me that the ex is still emotionally attached, and that there is nothing on his end. That may be hard to believe with his actions. He just bought a house and the ex dropped by the house because the kids “left their shirt.” The kids gave her the grand tour (even the master bedroom), and she gave him her thoughts about things in the house (I wasn’t there). While helping my boyfriend pack up his kitchen before moving, I found a glass photo mug that he just got. It had one picture of each of his kids and then one picture of his ex and the kids on it. I still haven’t processed how to feel about that. I did not bring it up to my boyfriend, but I am not sure if I even should. It’s clear that there are no boundaries drawn here, and I am not sure if there ever will be. A while ago, I brought the matter up to my boyfriend, and his response is “If you are going to have to walk on eggshells with her, then this isn’t going to work long-term. She is who she is and there is nothing I can do about that.” Recently, he told me that my feelings are valid and come first, but that he has to be mindful of his ex because she has mental health issues and it effects the kids. So, that somehow sounds like a contradiction to me. 🙁
I feel like an outsider and like the other woman. I have been trying to work on myself to try to fit into this dynamic because I care for my boyfriend and the kids, but it’s resulting in me being unhappy and I feel that I am sacrificing my happiness and wants for the sake of everyone else. Is this something I can be hopeful for/work on, or is this something I need to run far away from? :-/ FYI: We are not living together.
I fell you girls. EXs that do not have Boyfriends to hangout with are very much PATHETIC. They would use their kids all the time to get the ex husband’s attention. I gets into my nerves everytime I see situations like this. The exs will do anything to catch attention and make the new relationship unhappy. Bec they do not know how to ACCEPT THE FACT, they are done and over. I am currently having the same issue. My husband with 2 exs would not want to cut his so called “friendship” with them. Hi thinks they still love him when in fact they text for their selfish ideas.
I gave up on my marriage because of this thing. Marrying a divorced man with infinished emotional business should not remarry at all. It is unfair for the new GF or wife to be treated like she is just an option not the priority. I think this is very common here in the US.
Men should have the balls to show exs their limitation. What a pathetic world of ex wives!!
Berna, I agree that it’s horrible!! As I stated in my post/story (right above your post), our first Christmas was horrible because the ex was single. She didn’t seem to calm down until she found someone to date, and even then she’s engaged to be married and she is still trying to insert herself into our life because she is still emotionally attached! My boyfriend doesn’t like confrontation, and because of her mental health issues and it “affecting the kids” treads lightly with her. It’s just not fair… :-/
What is her mental issue? That is just her drama. Drama mama exs. Sorry for the type errors in my previous post. I completely understand how you feel and yes they do not want to be confronted. They would want you to act as if everything is ‘normal’. Believe me exs with no BFs will do anything to make you feel unhappy.
And men should make up their mind. When you engage into another relationship, your new priority should be your present not your past. Kids will be still in the picture. But the ex, hell no!! So why do these men remarry and then keep their exs along and then after they got divorced they will tell their current partner that “they are best friends’ now. Really, best friends? After you went to court, filed the divorced you became bestfriends? Hahaha.
When men get lonely, they look for another relationship and that new girl or partner becomes now a victim because the man and the ex had unfinished business and the new girl or partner suffers.
Well, I have figured out how everything makes complete sense now. My boyfriend is narcisstic. 🙁 The whole 2 and a half years was a sham. Now, everything makes sense. His ex was his initial source of supply. Why create boundaries and break off a supply? Also, creating boundaries for my sake is like him giving in to my request and a lost of control. Also, he could be the reason for her mental issues…or just saying she has issues to project his issues into her.
I am trying to get myself strong enough to get out and far away!!
I just can’t get it right… :-/
Christie, do you do any consultations? I would need to pick your brains. Thank you
Yes, my brain is available for picking. This link explains how it works: http://christiehartman.com/coaching/
Effective co-parenting requires a lot of contact!
I often text with my ex about our kids more than I text my busy professional of a boyfriend. I have zero feelings for my ex and adore my current partner, however my kids are number one and they require good cohesive parenting between their parents if we can manage to get along.
If I didn’t have children with my ex, I would never talk to him again because I’d really have to reason or desire to, we are not friends as we divorced for a reason that he presented me with. If anyone had a partner who is in constant contact with an ex-spouse whom with they don’t share children?? Red flag!
My boyfriend recently moved in with me and his daughter and ex-wife are constantly calling him to come over and feed their dogs, clean up after them and/or walk them even when they are at home, or fix something in their house like gardening or change the oil in their car. Ex wife has even called him late at night to let her know about her new job in details. They’ve been divorced for 15 years now and the daughter is 21 years old. We’ve made plans and we missed our plans because he has had to go out to feed their dogs or fix something and we’ve missed the church sermon it the dinner I cooked for him has dried out or gotten cold, etc. Is this normal? I really like him but it’s an everyday request from one or the other that interrupts our plans every time. What do you recommend? He says his daughter lives there and he wants to save his ex money so she has more for his daughter which is 21!
I am engaged to a man that has been divorced since 1984 and has two adult children. Though I accepted, while his youngest was a minor and, though he promised that him helping his ex wife was only because it was helping his kids that that would stop once the youngest became an adult, I feel it has not. His ex wife feels she can call him to ask for help and he continues to do things for her. They purchase birthday gifts together though the both are well off and don’t need to share the expense. He also said this would stop once the youngest was an adult and it hasn’t. I have to sit there and listen to them give them their gifts and they say proudly this is from mom and dad. I can understand this happening when children are small but not when children are adults. I have told him that it hurts how I am not included with the offering of the gift but even more so that he refuses to just purchase a gift from us separate from the ex wife’s gift. I asked him to sit his kids down to tell them how much he loves them, that we are there for them and they are old enough to come to us directly when they need or want something, that it was no longer necessary to go thru their mom and he never did it. I tried to make him understand that our relationship needs to based on two and not three, how their closeness makes me feel uncomfortable and that I feel that her feeling comfortable calling him to do things for her and he allowing it, is not helping our relationship. He says I am insecure and being unrealistic. I don’t think I am.
I recently found text messages on my husbands phone in which he was texting his ex-wife. I have been with this man for 30 years. I met him when I was 19 and he was 39 in the process of getting a divorce. Anyway. When I comfronted him he got very defensive and said that it was my fault for finding the text and that I should have not been going through his phone. The first text sent out around 9pm said…”where r u” and about 10 minutes later he sends another text that says “top or bottom.” His ex replies “both, I’m out with my girlfriend for her birthday. Come Home to me.”
He almost broke his neck trying to take his phone from me and when I told him that I had copied the text messages and sent them to her husband in his fb inbox…he (my husband) then sent her a fourth message that read “Heads up they got hold of our text.”
When I ask him why he had to warn her he said that it was the normal thing to do and that he would have done for anybody…yeah, yeah, yeah. Then when I said to him why are you still trying to communicate with this woman seeing that she is married to another man….he gives me lame excuses. She lives in Chicago where we use to live. We currently live in Wichita for the past 17 years. And asked him to stop calling and texting her and he said he would but I later found out that this man purchased a prepaid phone and told his daughter (35) to tell her mother to call him on the prepaid number. He works as a charter bus driver and goes everywhere and is out of town all the time. He has traveled back and forth to Chicago many times and I often wondered why he was so anxious to get to chicago…well, now I know…in her reply to him to “come home to me.” What she was really saying is when you come to Chicago we go hook up because it is evident that he cant’t go to their home since she is married. I didn’t get a response back from her husband but I’m sure he addressed the issue and finally, My husband said…I can’t go to chicago right now because it’s to “Hazy” right now…I’m sure that meant that things in her household is probably untrustworthy and until stuff cools down…he doesn’t want to upset her husband or their household, But to me…that a-hole has already and is destroying both ours and their household.
I want to divorce the bastard but he is a good financial provider and we do have a home but no kids…I was wondering if I divorce the man will the judge grant me spousal support. Any help or advice would be great.
hello everyone I have read so many coments thank you! I have been with my fiancé for 7 yrs he has been divorced 6 no kids. At first he informed me that he wanted out of a situation yet on the weekends he would go bk home, so I told him it is either me or her then I asked was he married he said no. so after moving in with me for 5 months he confessed that he was married well that should have told me something right there to do. But oh no. I did not end it mind you he was paying the furniture bill over there for her to lay sleep and have company. okay after all that ended I caught him in many situations even with an old grl friend who is a crack addict. Then afterall of that recently he disappeared for about 6 hours, would not answer my calls on his mortor cycle. okay while he was out I decided to call his voicemail and there was a message sayin im just calling to tell you I am at the walmart and needed to know what vehicle you are arriving in . It is his ex-wife. I called her yrs ago when I found out he was married and apologized to let her know cordially that I di not know and if I had ther wld not be us. she was cordial and said she could not eat or slep and her hair was falling out she had to move and he left her in a horrible fin state.early I found her address in his briefcase and he told a lie as to why it was there. swears he wants to be with me the rest of his life and loves only me. I have not questioned him abt the recent stuff bc that wld put my techniques at risk. It is frustrating to say the least and the ‘when I asked him where he had been that day he said he was visiting his friends and relatives and did not expect me to call knowing where he was! He was answering the phone bfore and always says when he leaves I ll b by the phone but this day did not ! I want to call her they speak bk and forth all day long a lot of times she gets a call bfore me. He is a long distance driver thru the week to boot! What can I say to her? saying anything to him he will lie. Should I present my proof to him? I Have pages and pages of their call records. I even have another voice mail that says call me if you are working and if your not I will speak to you next week sometime. and another saying I missed your call I was getting my eyebrows done. another saying I am on my way to work now call me later oh and one more saying call me as soon as you get this message it is important. WTFhelp!
Christie I need to get a comment from you asap please! Need to make a move awaiting reply.
thank u Christie!
Sounds like Divorced Husband Syndrome, Effie. And that’s a painful thing for you! Sorry to hear it…
yep..sounds sort of like my situation but there are kids involved. I once dated a man who had a kid , but his ex wife was really great with me & including me in stuff & treated it like a co parenting situation.
Last time I checked, 2 is a relationship..not three unless you’re into that type of thing 🙂
I hope that he listened to you and no, youre not insecure..theres such a thing as boundaries.
You need to get out of this relationship!! These people are crazy and toxic!! He is using you and is being incredibly mean and disrespectful to you!! GET OUT TO SAVE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF!!!!
thank you for any and all comments keep them coming, making me think.
Ditch him. He’s dishonest and the situation sounds like a nightmare. You can do better!