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Comfort Zone

Today will continue on the difficult topic of rejection in dating. Recently, I ran a post about the DOs and DON’Ts of dealing with rejection. Then, recognizing that there’s a difference between regular rejection (which happens to everyone) and a continued pattern of rejection (a sign to make some changes), I followed up with a post on patterns of repeated rejection and what they mean.

Today, I want to continue on this theme. As I said in the last post, if you’re facing repeated rejection in dating, it’s time to start problem solving.

Complaining versus Problem Solving

In Changing Your Game and It’s Not Him, It’s YOU, I talking at length about complaining versus problem solving in dating. In a nutshell, when faced with challenges, problems, or failure in dating, some people complain about the problem. They blame dating, the other sex, online dating, you name it. The problem with this? It doesn’t help. It makes you feel powerless. If you believe the problem lies in something (or someone) else’s hands, you’re stuck.

Other people eschew complaining about dating, knowing it only makes them feel worse. Instead, they problem solve. They try something different to see what works and what doesn’t. They ask for help from others. Hell, some of them problem solve with such success that they turn into dating gurus. A couple of well known PUAs (PickUp Artists) have turned their utter lack of success with women into an opportunity, where they learned from their mistakes, became successful with women, and made a career of teaching others to do the same.

Facing repeated rejection is a problem to be solved, period. Something isn’t working and you have to keep trying new things until it does work.

True, this is easier said than done. We all have our comfort zones. Problem solving means changing how you do things, and changing how you do things means leaving your comfort zone. And as crazy as it sounds, it feels safer to stick with the failure that’s familiar to you than venture into new territory.

I get it. I struggle with forcing myself out of my comfort zone, too. I struggled with it in dating and I struggle with it now in my personal life and my professional life. And when I don’t get out of that yellow circle and venture into the orange and red zones, my success suffers. And once I do venture out of my comfort zone, I’m always amazed at how much better I feel after and how quickly I learn.


A Few Suggestions

Once you identify any patterns of rejection, now comes the more challenging part: figuring out what you’re doing wrong. Here are a few things to consider:

Try something new. Anything. We learn more from our mistakes than our successes. Try something new. If you aren’t attracting the people you want online, change your pics or re-write your profile and see if anything changes. If you’re a talker on dates and wonder if that’s responsible for not getting a second date, talk less next time and see what happens.

Ask for help. For every problem, there’s someone who knows more about it than you do… or at least has an idea you’ve never considered. Read books and blogs about dating. Try a dating coach. Ask your friends or colleagues for advice.

Seek feedback. If you really want to get to the core problem, do something even more powerful, something most people don’t have the guts to do. ASK FOR FEEDBACK. Tell people you trust – including people of the other sex – what your problem is and what they think you should change.

Likewise, ask for feedback from dates who rejected you. This is even more daunting, but feedback can tell you volumes. You want to give them permission to be honest and avoid punishing them for their honesty. Email them and say something like this:

Hi X,

I enjoyed hanging out with  you. I’m trying to improve my dating game, so would you be willing to give me some feedback? Did I do anything that bothered you or turned you off? Please be honest. I promise I won’t give you hard time and will only say thank you.


Whether friend or date, not everyone will give you honest feedback. Of those that do, their feedback may be unhelpful or even rude. Don’t worry about that. Instead, look for patterns. Look for things that resonate with you. Then, make some changes.

Have you ever asked for feedback from a date who rejected you? If so, what happened?



Good Men Project: Why Does Rejection Suck So Much?

Christie’s Books (Amazon)

Christie’s Books (iBook)