In my coaching practice, I work with a variety of people: men and women, those ranging from mid-20s to early 50s, and interesting people from various walks of life, from a small-town Mountain Man to a career woman in a big East Coast city. And while my clients seek me out for a variety of challenges, one particular challenge falls across my desk on a regular basis: a woman is dating a separated or divorced man.
In Dating the Divorced Man, I talk about the myriad of challenges a woman can encounter when dating these men. Clearly, not all of these men pose a problem; but the ones who do tend to have one thing in common: they aren’t progressing with the relationship. They get out of their marriages (whether by separation or legal divorce), begin a new relationship, but the relationship runs into an obstacle that keeps it stagnant. For example:
- He doesn’t want to file for divorce because he’s afraid he’ll lose his kids/money/home.
- He keeps sharing holidays with his ex and kids (his new partner isn’t invited) because he feels it’s better for everyone.
- He gives his money or time to his ex, above and beyond what’s appropriate for a divorced couple, because she “has no one else.”
- He won’t introduce his kids or family to his new partner, despite having dated for many months or even years, because he doesn’t feel they’re ready.
- He isn’t taking the next step in the relationship, whether seeing one another more, moving in together, or talking about marriage/the future despite claiming he wants to.
In all of these examples, what these men are really dealing with is FEAR. Fear of upsetting the ex, fear of upsetting the kids, fear of doing more “damage” to the kids beyond that of the separation/divorce, fear of disapproval from family, fear of losing money or property, fear of conflict, fear of commitment to a new person and having that “fail” too.
And hey, these fears are understandable. Divorce is no easy endeavor. But the real problem here isn’t fear of all those things I listed above; the problem is a fear of CHANGE, of venturing into the unknown.
When a man behaves like a Divorced Husband, keeps one foot in the present and one in the past, compartmentalizes his ex/kids/family away from his new girlfriend, and/or drags his feet on filing divorce papers, he commits to staying in a comfy cocoon of relative safety. He is in what appears to be a sweet spot: free of his ex and any burdens she came with, while getting to have a new relationship to offer him love/support/sex. He gets to avoid the pain of the legal process of divorce, the weirdness of trading off who gets the kids on holidays, the guilt of having broken up the family unit and left his ex alone and unsupported, the awkwardness of his kids seeing him with a woman other than Mom, or the risk of committing to someone new and making new mistakes with her. And by choosing to obey that fear and remain in that false sweet spot, he essentially takes himself out of the running for a new and better life.
It’s easy to knock these men as cowards. In some ways, they are. But fear is an extremely powerful motivator, perhaps the most powerful of all, and we are all guilty of staying stuck and avoiding change from time to time. In many ways, the women who date these men are also avoiding change, knowing if they step back or leave the relationship it will thrust them into the great unknown.
During the years I snowboarded (I eventually went back to skiing), I took a woman I worked with up to the mountains. She was a novice boarder but said she could keep up. Snowboarding involves doing alternating heel and toe turns to carve your way down a slope. The transition between heel and toe turns can be tricky for a novice. When we got up there, I discovered that this woman could do a heel turn, but not a toe turn. The latter scared her too much, so she would do a heel turn, then wrangle her way around until she could do another heel turn. This slowed her down, to say the very least. She could get down the slope, but she wasn’t snowboarding. The kicker? She was fine with doing it that way. Safeguarding her fear was more important to her than actually snowboarding.
That’s how these men are. They care more about their fear than creating a better future for themselves. So they do anything to remain attached to the past, rather than embrace the change they signed up for by separating or getting divorced.
If you wind up with a man whose fear is holding back your relationship, contact me for coaching. Just because fear runs his life doesn’t mean it has to run yours.
Resources
Christie- I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I like to frequent it on my free time becuase I think it’s worthwhile and stimulating. I also bought and read your book. But, as a divorced man in his early 50’s, I have to take exception to your articles like this one about how men are walking hazards without any mention of the hazards of women. Yes, divorced middle aged men are walking hazards, but no more so than women (IMO). And, I might be willing to debate that divorced middle aged women, on average, are more hazardous than men. Put them together and you have an interesting and complex combination of chemicals.
I’m reminded of this column from another columnist whom I religiously read: http://www.reviewjournal.com/columns-blogs/steven-kalas/we-are-all-walking-wounded
As my shrink once told me, we just need to find someone who has a compatible pathology.
Hey Scott,
Thanks for commenting. Maybe you didn’t see where I said, “Clearly, not all of these men pose a problem.” The article isn’t about the average middle-aged divorced man; it’s about the “special” ones who are stuck, the problematic exceptions.
Dating in middle age does have its challenges and hazards for sure, and I don’t think men have more hazards than women. But this article (and similar ones) is aimed at my female followers who have read “Dating the Divorced Man” and can relate to this situation. I’ll have more of these articles, since there aren’t any other experts who really know how to handle this unique niche.
I’ll check out the article you posted. I agree with him based on the title alone.
I recently broke up with a fearful dad. I think he really wanted to have a long, fulfilling relationship because he did try to overcome the obstacles. But he only became more and more fearful with the changes, until he just couldn’t do it anymore. I feel sad for him, and for his kids, and most of all for me, who now has to start over. But I’ll know better next time what to look for earlier on. Your book was really helpful to me during the relationship, and this post confirms that the breakup was the right thing for me at the right time. I just wish I could send a goodbye note to his kids, but I don’t even know what, if anything, he’s told them. (Probably nothing because of fear!)
O.D.: Sorry to hear it, but glad you made the right decision for you and can move on.
Christie both your book and your blog have been invaluable to me in making me realise how difficult these relationships can be. I got together with my separated man just as he was coming out of his marriage, where he had attempted many times for it to work. He had fallen out of love and we were work colleagues who had always got on great and he pursued me even though he had not processed any of the fall out of his marriage, including leaving his child who he loves dearly. Stupidly I thought that love could conquer all. So, we ploughed onwards with him spending all of his time at mine and then heading off to spend time with his child, with the premise he would tell everyone about our relationship after six months or so when the dust had settled. Well this time came and went and he still wanted to leave more time so that his ex would not feel he had moved on so quickly, and his family would not disapprove. This left me unsure of the situation. He was asking me to have faith in him yet he still could not be honest about me being in his life, even though by this point we were looking at renting a place together. Although all of our work colleagues knew about us he was still failing to inform the most important people, his wife and his family. So, started the arguments from my side. I didn’t want to be hidden and not only this but failure to tell anyone also meant I could not be introduced to his child, I felt he was totally compartmentalizing his life and worried if this would mean he would go back if the door was not fully closed. Things finally came to a head when a slip up meant I found out he had been out for the day with his ex wife and child and upon digging deeper has been on occasion staying at his old house when he leaves me in order to see his little boy, because in his words, it’s been easier. Finding out he had been lying I gave him an ultimatum in that he tells her about me or I would, and he says he has now had this conversation. However after all of the lies I don’t know if I can now believe this to be the case. He came to me the weekend after this fall out and swears he only stops there for his son and has no intention of ever getting back with his ex, however, is telling me he now has doubts about us! He says he is now questioning why he couldn’t be honest with me and that maybe as partners we don’t work! Honestly I am shell shocked that if he has now told his wife, he is backing off from me. He says he doesn’t feel I have ever had his back, but to be honest after a year of believing him of course I was going to get angry at times. What’s your advice for someone like me? He has contacted me today to say he has so much going on in his head but I haven’t responded. I just feel totally at a loss that it’s come to this
That’s a tough one, I can understand that he wants some time to introduce you to his family. But when he gave a date and then did not honor that, I see that as a red flag. He might have told his ex-wife about you because of the ultimatum you gave him, which is never a good idea.
And living together with someone that your not married too and not even introduced to as a girlfriend is not a good idea at all.
It’s been about 1 yr. How did things work or not work out?
Hi Beth,
Thanks for your reply and I agree now looking back there were a lot of red flags. It has been one year and things actually got progressively worse. After telling me he was not sure about me, I told him I planned to back off and give him the space he needed to sort his head out. To be honest at this point I believed he had gone back to his family but he constantly denied this. He then started to use the “I think I am depressed” card which looking back obviously gave him the time and space to go back with an excuse to offer me as to why he couldn’t see me. When I saw him at work however, he did seem to be a total shell of the person that I had known. But then slowly and surely he started to contact me more and more and we continued to travel together for work and stop together in hotels when away, as our company still thought of us as being together including our managers and had no idea what was going on in the background between us. He told me that he was having counseling at this point and very naively I believed him, but to be honest he was very very convincing and because our work knew I guess I thought there is no way he would be duping us all. He told me that he was living with his folks during this period and even sent me pictures from their home to “prove” this too me. Our contact continued, daily at work, first thing in the morning, throughout the evening. We then spent time together over the xmas period, new year, day trips out over weekends and then a holiday in January with another booked for May of this year and then surprise surprise his wife contacts me and the truth comes tumbling out that he is in fact still with her and went back to her last summer (when he started to say he was questioning me and when I had given him the ultimatum!). In fact after some discussions with his wife, he had in fact never told her about me last summer, so poor women had no idea that her husband had even been seeing me for the last 2 years! Wow, the lies that I have found out now are pretty unbelievable. The business trips he told her he was on when he was in fact away on holiday with me, the days out when he had told her he was going to buy her a mothers day gift but spent with me, the bike I bought him for xmas (which he took back to his family house in my car!) he told her he had won. This guy as I said is very very convincing and can lie totally to your face about pretty much anything it seems. And as of now, well of course, for sure he is back with his wife as ran his cowardly little self straight back there, but has already begun to try and tell me at work how its actually me he loves but that he didn’t have the strength to leave. Now he is saying that he has moved out and has split with his wife and is focusing on therapy to make him stronger to do the right thing finally. Do I believe this? Absolutely not. I have gone from being with someone and believing we had a future to realizing I am actually caught up in the middle of an affair that foolishly I had no idea I was in! The one thing this has taught me is to stay well away from a man who has just left his wife or significant other. They need time to work through what they really want and deal with the emotional trauma that goes along with leaving someone you have been with a long time. I am sure that there are many men who do leave, do the right thing and split properly before involving someone else, but then there are the ones who don’t have the courage to face up to things and the easiest option is then to stick with the security and stability of what you know but keep another women on the sidelines for whatever is lacking in their marriage. I just wish he had had the decency to be honest with me last year when he returned to his wife, because as heartbreaking as that would have been, I have now wasted another 9 months of my life and had to go through the heartbreak once more.
Dear Lorraine,
You may never see this reply but I am grateful to you for sharing your experience. Your story began a lot like mine.. then the coincidences started to tally. My guy is actually going to his wife’s home for dinner tomorrow night. I found out two days ago that he had already been to dinner ” as a family” a few weeks ago.
That is when I started an unexpected “no contact”. Truth be told, I am disappointed as I genuinely thought that he and I shared a solid relationship. I am grateful that I am learning what I am learning now.
Thank you Lorraine for your generosity.
Hi De Elle,
Nice to get a reply from you and sorry to hear you are in the same predicament. What was your situation and how longs it been going on for? Would be good to hear your story. Was your man separated when you first got together?
My married man is still attempting to contact me and its beyond crazy now. After constantly telling me that him and his wife are now in the process of divorce (which after all the lies to me, I didn’t believe) I have found out (yes, surprise surprise) that this is of course not true. I think they have been living separately, but obviously while they work on some kind of plan to rebuild their marriage, and he still goes back for days at a time to see his child and obviously her. Why not be honest with me? Because I think that he still cannot fully let me go either and hopes with his lies to continue to keep me hanging on. I have told him numerous times to leave me alone, and even now he texts me to tell me he loves me (which I don’t reply too). He continues to say he love me, but is too “scared” to deal with the consequences (ie leaving his child, the anger of his ex wife, starting all over again) but to be honest, after all this time, his reasons have now worn thin. I do geninuely believe some people cannot move forward as are trapped by their own fear of doing so, but if that’s the case then you have to reside yourself to this fact and not attempt to keep attempting to hang on to someone who you know you cannot fully commit too.
Hi Christie, I just read your book and wish that I had discovered it sooner! I’ve been in a year-long relationship with a man that I thought was divorced and I met his kids after four months of dating and adore them. About a week ago I found out that he has been legally separated for the last three years and his divorce was finalized a month ago. When I confronted him about this, he said that it was not his intent to use guile and said they have been separated for two years when we met, and the marriage was over, but they had to work through custody issues. I do remember him mentioning a court date regarding custody arrangements while we were dating but I was clueless and still thought they were already divorced. I was not familiar with all the steps of the divorce process prior to reading your book. He said he is glad the divorce is final and looks forward to building a life with me. In your book you mentioned that some men consider being legally separated the same thing as being divorced so it’s important to ask specifically when the divorce finalized (which I did not do). Wondering whether I should leave him or stay? Would love some thoughts on this!
To some, I am sure that this may just seem like a bazaar and unreal story. I have been dating my boyfriend for just a few short months. We met in a strange way but in another sense, everything seemed surreal. It didn’t take long for us to fall in love with each other. I’m sure neither of us planned this out. But, the downfall to this whole spill is that this man is still legally married. He has been married for 3 years, together with this woman for 7. They have two beautiful daughters that I just adore and love with all of my heart. I as well have two children, both boys. I guess my whole point in even writing this comment is because he says that he is done and has been for quite some time now. He says that their marriage and life together was doomed from the start, which I can see in many many ways. I have never felt such strong love come from another human being until I met this man. I have never been married before. I am the one that always seems to be a bridesmaid but never a bride. Relationships have never ended up good for me, which is why I am so headstrong about this one and not letting it go. This man just makes me feels a way that I never thought was possible. I would look at happy couples and always say, “It will never work”, or “You will end heart broken”. I was always in denial of love due to failed relationships of being lied to constantly or cheated on. My boyfriend says that he wants the divorce but I keep thinking to myself, if the marriage was over a long time ago, then why isn’t the divorce final. Why has it yet to be filed?? This woman, his wife, just seems to be obsessed. She will call for no reason, or out of the blue and talk to him about her issues, whatever they may be. She knows how to make him feel guilty for leaving. In a way, I feel the same guilt as he hides from me. I want to be with this man. He says that he loves me more than he has ever loved another woman and I believe that this is true. I just wish that chapter of his life, and their life together was closed. I understand they have two girls together, which we have full time, she gets them only two days/nights each week, so for them to have to be civilized I get that. But what I do not like is how she stares at him, she tries so hard to flirt and I know she wants him back. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. Should I step back and see if they get back together? Nobody deserves to be raised in a broken home. I grew up with divorced parents who despise each other. My two boys don’t have their dad in their lives.
Advice? Anyone? What would you do in this situation?
I’ve been dating a man for 9 months now who was married for 22 years. He still has not introduced me to his children or parents. He sleeps at my house every night, but would not accept a key when I tried to give him one. He’s very loyal and faithful and I’m pretty sure that he loves me by his gestures and behavior, but he won’t say it. It just makes me a little crazy not having the stability of knowing that he is committed to me. I feel like he really is THE ONE. I’ve never felt like this about anyone my entire life.
I had the same thing w/the man I knew for years and had on off long distance relationship. Trust your heart. But
my advise to you-be patient very patient. It will take him long time to open up and chances are he never will. I personally know I g now how hurt ypu can be, wont would avoid relationship w/him.
Christie –
You mention one of the ways a relationship with a divorced man can go stagnant is when he gives too much time and attention to the ex than what is appropriate for a divorced couple. What is “appropriate”?
In my situation, he’s been divorced for over 8 years after 20 years of marriage, has adult children (in their mid to late 20s), and his ex lives a couple of blocks away. I know what he’s doing isn’t normal: exchanging texts about things going on in their respective personal life (nearly daily), multiple calls a week, letting her dog out or picking it up from the kennel when she travels (she does this regularly), picking her up from the airport an hour away, going over to fix things at her house, or regularly going over to settle arguments between her and her adult children (still living with her). But what would “normal” look like? They had an acrimonious marriage.
Hi Lorraine,
Very interesting article but I may have a twist. I have been dating a woman for over 2 years that fits this perfectly. She’s committed to me but can’t move forward and can’t let go of her ex. I won’t go into details on this open forum but I am thankful to have come across this. It has helped me understand why she is doing this, not I just need to figure out how to get her to move forward.
Thanks again.
3 months ago I met a man who I liked a lot and was in the process of moving out his house who now his ex and kids are living… But he did not… we talked about it… and he said he is going to but he is having anxiety over it and he is afraid the impact on his kids…
How shall I deal with this as I really like the guy but I don’t want to be caught up like a “mistress”?
I just had my heart broken yesterday by who I thought was the man of my dreams. Our relationship was perfect and we were happy. He is a year and a half separated , filed papers for divorce. Was not an ugly divorce but there are children involved actually adult children one graduated college one going into college we have been friends since last May and started dating two months ago and literally everything was perfect and we were 100% happy his fears and doubts of our age difference and what his family will think sabotaged our relationship which ended yesterday and he said in a perfect world without his baggage we would be together married happy and I just cannot understand why he is not willing to work through these fears to be happy why would you not want to fight for happiness why cave to the fear? I would love the chance to speak with because I am completely lost
I just bought your book on divorced men – Thank you SO MUCH for posting this article. I’ve looked for over a YEAR on help with this issue, and no resource has helped as much as this one. You have described my problems almost to the LETTER.
My guy has been divorced for 10 years, and my divorce was finalized last May. He’s had 4 girlfriends before, all of who have broke up with him, due to similar issues and his lack of “being there” (he’s a truck driver).
I’ve been dating my guy for over a year now, and around the six month mark is when I started asking him about introducing me to his kids, parents and other family members. He’s always shown deep love for me, talked about wanting to marry me, etc. At this point I had already introduced him to my parents during Thanksgiving, and thought that his “meet the parents” gesture was well on the way, right? Well, his excuses were that his parents and family were always so busy, and that his one middle daughter has behavioral problems due to his divorce 10 years ago so he doesn’t want to complicate things in her life with his girlfriend coming into the mix. I’ve met his youngest, but only because he thinks that meeting her won’t complicate things as much as the older daughter. I’ve also met his sisters but never his parents. He has his kids on the weekends so I only get weekdays, and my weekdays are limited too because I have my son and REFUSE to expose my son and have him go out with us since he refuses to let me meet and hang out with his kids!
We’ve had tons of talks about this with no results. Last summer I had enough and downgraded the relationship to “casual dating” because of this mess, and that’s when he started to FINALLY make moves. Tried to reason with the ex wife so I could meet the kids, even though he treated it like she had the “final say.” That didn’t go so well, but he asked for more time before I made it “casual,” and asked that we setup counseling to tackle this issue. We set it up and made some progress (this is when I met his sisters and briefly shook hands with his Father), however, we had to stop going due to his truck driver job taking most of his time up. This past Christmas I told him I didn’t want to exchange gifts because I KNEW he wouldn’t invite me over to his parents, even as a “friend,” plus I said this hurts me too much and I need my distance. Stopped sleeping with him at one time too, but after a month I couldn’t stand seeing him suffer – and I missed the intimacy as well.
Right now he’s going to court for an officer claiming he “resisted arrest” after a fight with another guy who took up his parking space, so now I have to give him even MORE time to straighten that out before dealing with our stuff. It’s “delayed” any improvement for almost 3 months. And now I’m reluctant to get to know his family more because of his possible jail time – I don’t want to wait for him too much anymore, it’s not worth it I don’t think.
So now I’m just about at the end of my rope. I see so much potential in us, but he’s got so much baggage that he’s created for himself with the divorce AND now getting arrested for a fight. Plus his money is always low with the divorce obligations. I just have a fear of hurting him since he loves me so much and depends on me emotionally. I’m also afraid of hurting myself – I have Severe Depression and am dealing with both this issue and also family court due to an ex-husband dedicated to stopping my child and spousal support, so I’m afraid of a hard relapse.
Why can’t these men just LOVE, COMMIT and not hold back so much? It seems like they have no idea how much pain, suffering and loneliness they are causing! 🙁
Wow. I’m more scared now that I read all these stories than I was before! My guy and I are co-workers and have been dating for about 1.5 yrs. My story is just like ones above. Now, the judge signed his divorce papers and they are going to be filed. He is such a mess from the horrible thing she did during the divorce, including ruining his relationship with his teenage girls. We love each other but despite our plans to be together he has pulled back a bit, understandably working thru the emotions associated with the end of a long marriage. He is afraid our relationship will go sour too when I’ve done nothing but support him emotionally during the process. Also, while we do everything else, penetration isn’t something he is willing to do because he feels “guilty.”. Seriously?? He also hides our relationship, afraid to anger his kids again (they found out about us before divorce was final). I feel like I’m losing him but he swears that’s not the case; I just need to give him time. Always more time. He’s just so concerned about what everyone might think of him, and I think that’s fine for awhile but you try to take care of people but also should take care of yourself! Please help…I feel like it’s just taking over my thoughts sometimes and while he’s so emotional he is much better at compartmentalizing his feelings than I am!
Dear Christie,
thank you for this article! I haven’t read your book yet..and I should have done that long ago, but then..love makes blind.
It will be a long story, but I try to keep it short.
In October 2013 I went on a “non-date” dinner with a man I knew from seeing before. I also knew he is was married. So we both agreed that this dinner is not a date, and I made it very clear that I do not go on a date with a married man. We had dinner, good conversation, in which he told me that he and his wife are getting divorced. He was to be work related permanently transferred to another city 200 km away, and his wife had no intention to move with the 3 children with him. The move was going to happen in end of 2014. We met again, and again, and yes, we started dating. He drove every second weekend 500 km to my place, and when I asked him how he explains this to his wife, re replied that they are at the moment negotiating the divorce condistions and he doesn’t want to upset her in this process. This was not the nicest thing maybe, but I accepted it. In this phase I also met the wife and his 3 children, and even stayed in their place over night, pretending to be just a friend. Maybe that was the mistake I did, but I was in love and I thought it can be done once, because I am not the reason this marriage breaks down.
In May 2014 I enden my job 500 km and he asked me if I want to move with him to his new work twown, 200 km away from where he was living back then, and if it was ok if the children would visit us every second weekend. I agreed. And we agreed on that between May und December, when the move took place, I move to his city, and we rent a flat together, so that the children then also get slowly used to the idea that daddy is not home every night anymore. But then, his wife left the common house, and he changed the plan that I move into there, help him with some renovation so the house can be put on the market for sale after summer.
I moved in, and the first few days the children visited us. And I saw the notification from the distric court that the divorce paper were handed in. But less than a week after I moved in, the didn’t come anymore. His wife did not allow to do so. Then the whole trouble started. In these few months I was living in his hometown, his wife bought a row house (which was btw illegal during an ongoing divorce) and moved again. So he was busy with helping them. She called for tiny reasons, just to distract him. He went there all the time, and I was unemployed in the house. I was also restricted to not see the kids in public places, his wifes threatened him that if this happens he would never see his children again. She was blackmailing him, and he was scared, understandable. In our country 6 months after the divorce was handed in, the divorce can take place if one party files for it. He didn’t. His reason was that his wife insists on first selling the house.
Time passed by, and the moving day, 2 days after Christmas came closer. He did not start packing anythng, and he sent me away on Christmas to a friend 400 km away. Ok, I usually spent my Christmas there becuase I was living in that area before, but now I didn’t want to drive that dustance. But he got quite firm about it. We had ur first fight then, I accused him for staying in her place and he doesn’t want me to know. However, the move came closer and I thought, soon this will get better when there is distance. But it got worse.
The first 9 months of 2015 he drove every weekend from friday to sunday evening “home”. Also, the divorce did not progress, because the first year he would get tax reductions for driving home and he will hand in the divorce after that. The worst was in May 2015 when he went 1 week on a family holiday abroad, without telling me. I booked a student flat for a week, but he called me home. So I went back because he said it ws a big mistake and it will never happen again. We had uncountable fights about him going to visit his children, and staying in the empty house (that somehow was still not sold) and me not allowing to join him. His family blocked me on social media, I was not allowed to contact any of them. So I got suspicious. According to our “find my friends” app, he stayed the nights on weekend in the empty house, so why can I not join? So one day I drove there (I leave out details to make it shorter) and found out that his wife and the kids had moved back to the house, and he had stayed there already 2 weekends with them.
We had a fight, a discussion, and I insisted that he has to stay in his parents place and I do not tolerate that he stays there. I never knew if he did this, until today I don’t know. He also then went every 2nd weekend there, and I was for a while ok with that, believing that it just needs time to let go.
One morning in autumn 2015 he didn’t close his computer and I saw a chat conversation with his wife. I scrolled upwards and found out that they were sending each other intimate messages, with heart and kisses smilies, and that in June 2015 they had even elebrated their wedding anniversary. I confronted him, but he denied an intimate relationship, claimed he did it for the kids. I am convinced it was a lie, but then..I know this sometimes happens that the spouses bind again…so I oversaw it because he now doesn’t go there anymore every weekend he also told me that his wife is seriously blackmailing him and he will file the divorce.
Things were quite ok in beginning of 2016, but still I suffered from being always the last in row. It didn’t add up to me why I couldn’t even see his parents. I more and more suspected that his family had no idea that we were still together. I still don’t know this and most probably never will. I was at this time on antidepressiva, stucked in a job that was bad with a boss who was a manipulative psychopath. I couln’t take unfair treatment in private life and in work life. So I took my partner to a crises centre and we discussed our situation, because I was ready to leave but didn’t want because I loved him. He then said that he is so scared to loose his children, and told about the blackmailing. The therapist told him that in this case the only way to make sure he gets access to the children is by filing the divorce after talking to the social services about the blackmailing (he was threatened by his wife to be accused for sexual abuse of the daughter if he files the divorce). He took a day off, drove to his home town, and reported the situation to the children protection service. At least this is what he told me. Summer 2016 he handed in the divorce paper and got divorced. I remember he send me a picture with the papers half in the mail box and texted “Please pray that I am doing the right thing”.
Things seemed to be fine, but still I wasn’t allwoed to join him to visit the children or parents, and no one ever visited us. So I got suspicious again. He started accusing me for always making trouble, always squeezing him into the corner, and I had the feeling he twisted reality. He did not seem to understand that he has now the right to demand the kids visiting us, or letting me meet them in a public place.
Then his oldest daughter announced that she will apply for highschol in our city, and live with us. I was wondering, how this should go, because his ex didn’t allow me to see the kids (and obviously still makes a fuzz about it) and then the daughter comes here? I got suspicious that in some point I was kicked out so the daughter can move here, that this would be a condition of the ex-wife. And then I started doubting the divorce. He was also talking about financial issues, he has to pay so much for the kids., and asked me then for help how we can save money, if I could make a plan. He was on the way to visit the kids, and I sent a xls. file with ideas and listings (incoming/outgoing costs etc) but he did not respond. For 2 days I could not reach him, and then he called me and told me he was on a weekend cruise abroad with his children and ex-wife. Then I sat him an ultimatum, I wanted to see the divorce paper or I move out. He didn’t show me any, so I moved out in autumn last year.
We kept contact, we didn’t fight we did things together, you guess it, we ended up being together again. I saw that when we borke up he did not again drive every second weekend there and I knew no one was in his place, so I was sure that there isn’t such a thing like a happy marriage going on..but still until today I don’t know. Just 3 months after I moved out, I moved back in. Unfortunately in the meanwhile unemployed. So I was also now dependent on his financial support. However, things seemed to be fine beginning of 2017. But still…no children coming visiting us. No allowance for me to be with the family or anything. Nothing had changed. The daughter was accepted in highschool and it was a few weeks before the school started. I asked him where she will live, what his ex and he have agreed. Nothing was the answer, she would not talk to him about this. I found this odd, but this familiy IS odd, believe me.
I then checked his ex-wifes socialmedia profile, and couldn’t believe a) that she had obviously unblocked me, and what her profile said: She announced that she would move to our city, and that she is still married. I took my partner for a walk and told him that this is quite odd, what is going on. He assured me that this must be fake, she will not leave the hometown, and he doesn’t know why she states that they are married, most probably to not embarrass herself. I told him that it would be nice if he keeps me up to date so I don’t get to know things from social media, because otherwise I would assume that he is hiding things from me. He promised.
His car was falling apart and he urgently needed a new one. So I suggested him to go with the divorce papers to the bank, split the loan for the still unsold house his wife is living since almost 2 years in, and upgrade it so he can buy a car also. He had the same idea and so he stayed one weekend also the monday in his hometown to get info from bank. When he came home he said he hasn’t signed the papers for that action, he is too busy with work at the moment. But then, a week later he bought a car, claiming he took a loan for it.
A few weeks later, he came back from his hometownon sundays, he suddenly threatend to kill himself because his kids wouldn’t talk to him. He didn’t but he got verbal agressive and accused me for not helping him and some things totally out of context. He didn’t kill himself, but he was visibly stressed and tens. I asked him a few times if he knows anything about his daughters school and where she is going to live (it was 2 weeks from school start) but he said he doesn’t know anyting. he didn’ got intimate anymore, he didn’t text anymore, he was bareley home after work (just following his hobby), he was weired, and I knew there is something going on. So I left for 2 days to a friend summer cabin.
When I came back I found a weired receipt from our local supermarket on the kitchen table. a) he never takes recepts, b) to his “survial food” was food listed he absolutely hates. So I got suspicious and asked him, why ther is some other food on it, and he replied “I don’t now”. Then I knew he is lying. So I did some research in public registers and also on social media.
I found out that his house was taken off the market 3 days after he was at the bank “to split the loan based on divorce papers). I found out that his wife was living in out town already and he had seen his children when I was at my friends cabin, totally unanware that his wife would even move here, I still thought that is fake news. And then, you guess it, I got information from the district court that he is still married (which is in our country public information to say there has been a divorce case or not). he insisted he is divorce but the information is secret, but the distric course said even this would appear in theri data and it doesn’t.
I have been 4 years living in the conflict between y heart, my brain that saw the red flags, but the believe in love. Nothing made sense to me, until I read your article, and articles about why people lie and hide. I have been in this network of lies and hiding and restrictions for 4 years, and I will move out next week, without telling him where to. I blocked him on social media and apps, so I do not get weak. I do love him, still, and I wish I could help him, but I have begun to fall apart under this relationship, which is dominated by a third party, who doesn’t has the slightest interest of us being together. And, now that she is close with the children, it is so easy for him to go back. Strangely he sleps every night here, and he hasnt seen his children more than 30 min in 3,5 weeks..so, yes, things in that marriage are not right, and he is a lost soul. But after a friend copied me a chat conversatio between him and my partner, he “has lost it” or he tries to blame someone else =me for his misery. there is nothing I can do…and it is the hardest thing ever to leave for good.
Thank you, I now know that my instinct was right..he loves me and he simply can’t help him self..and he is NOT that a*** hole like many of my friends say, who is fooling me on purpose….or maybe he is, but I don’t want to believe it, still….
I haven’t gotten any response to my post, but I have to give an update because the situation is actually worse than I thought.
I have been 2 days away, to avoid some conflict until I am moving out. During my absence neighbours reported, by coincidence, that my partners car was not at the yard during night time. Also, when my partner usually still sleeps, his car was not there. So, I assumed he has spent the night as his wife’s place, the one who is blackmailing him and is so nasty! I texted him, asking him politely to stay where he spent the night until I have moved out. He replied with a questionmark (like so many times when I thought I cought him) and then changed the topic. I didn’t respond anymore.
When I arrived home he was watching TV, but his car was away. I asked him where it is, and he said that he tried to repair it, but screwed up, and it needs to be done in a garage. Important is that he did NOT say that the car is in the garage, but gave me some info that let’s me assume it is there. And to assume that this is the reason that the car was not there the night before. And I felt bad, I felt sorry for accusing him. He then told me that I am so obsessed to find what he is doing wrong all the time, he cannot do anything without me spying and investigating. And I even thought he is right, because I had that feeling several times before in similar situations. And I started thinking that I have somehow “lost it” and I might seriously go for counceling.
Next morning another neighbour asked me why my partners car was parked during night in the forrest close to our house, she was out with her dog at night time and wondering what it does there in the forest. And then I suddenly got it that a) I am NOT obsessed or loosing it, and b) that he tried to cover up the absence of his car the night before so I THINK I am loosing it. I also had one more neighbour and co-worker of him telling me that the first night my partners car was not present, he came to work in his car from the opposite direction that home.
So..where does this lead me to?
Fear can affect a person. Support and understanding is something they need. But there is a risk. I do not say that fear causes lying, but like in my case, staying with someone who is dominated by fear can spiral everything as low as ending up in a relationship, where a (unintended or not) mild form of gaslighting is used to cover up the lies out of which there is no way out anymore. Even after I had already broke up with him and signed a renting contract. The relationship was over, but still he continued.
I had to tell him 2 times more to leave me alone, and he still tried to ask for sorry and trying to get my weak side (feeling pitty that he has to stay away from home). I wonder if he ever wakes up…
Women, ladies, girls….if you are dating a man, divorced or soon to be divorced, in fear and under attack from the wife/ex-wife that results in shortcomings of your relationship…..get out NOW, step back, wait a year or two, and see how things have developed. Do not believe your love is strong enough and you have just “a bad start”…especially if children are the source of fear (of loosing them) and the ex wife isn’t cooperating….GET OUT for your own sake!
Christie, please correct me if I am wrong. I guess my story now belongs rather to a different page than fear and the divorced man…. gaslighting?
and there the story didn’t end.
On my moving day I found out, by coincidence, that back in June be and his wife bought a house in our area.
So, this is the end? The aftermass: Billions of questions, was it all a lie, or did he just not had the strength to withstand the blackmailing? Did he really just use me? I tried to confront him….I am not sure if I got some real answers, or if he still lies….most probably the last. Why, I just don’t understand why….I am in total disbelief, angry, sad, lonely, confused, unwilling to accept, knowing I need to move forward, scared, tired, shivering in every cell of my body, lost my appetite, can’t stop thinking, miss him, cant beliefe was has been between us was fake…it all doesn’t make sense. And it hurts….it hurts so bad…
Hi Christie, I hope this is still an active site as I need some ‘talking to’!! I have been dating my guy for over 4 years. He and his wife were living in the same house but virtually estranged. He told me he couldn’t leave because of a family business and potential for huge losses. He was served by her 18mths ago and spent time trying to fix some business ledgers and accounts. They just exchanged documents with their attys and he is petrified and telling me he has to try and stop this or too many people will lose. We lay and cry and are just miserable and I don’t know what to believe. I have met his parents and brother and they have accepted that we have a relationship and that he is happy, but he is soooooo scared about what will/could come out in the business valuation and when she learns more about me ( she’s had her suspicions and even referred to me by name) …..Help!!!! I am just miserable, I am 56 and he is 64 and the thought of losing each other has us broken.
Hi Christie,
I’m in a similar situation to what you speak of. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now with his kids living with us and me taking care of them full time but he is still not divorced. He went through a first divorce and the ex wife took the kids and refuses to let him see them and he cant afford to fight her on it and has spent years trying to see them again so now that he is separated a second time and she let him have their kids he’s so afraid to file for a divorce and her taking the kids from him (even though she only calls them twice a year and doesn’t have a job or car and we’ve had them for 2 years, seems it would be impossible for her to win them) and right now he happily is taking care of them and afraid if he does anything then she’ll try to take them back. Meanwhile, I’m living with him 2 years with no chance of getting married anytime soon and taking care of his kids that I have no legal rights to (doing all their schoolwork and registering them for school but when I need to contact the school I’m told I cant speak to them since I’m not a legal parent). Every time I bring up filing for a divorce he just gives a million excuses like “after the holidays” or “it’s just so hard to settle my anxiety about it, I’m trying”, but it’s been 2 years now living together and my patience is getting thin. I love him to death and those two little girls. How can I get him to finally take that step and stop being so afraid? I’ve thought about leaving for a week to let him know I’m serious but those kids really need me and I don’t want to just abandon them for a week (they already feel like their mom did). I’m so tired of being in limbo but I just don’t know what to do.