In my coaching practice, I work with a variety of people: men and women, those ranging from mid-20s to early 50s, and interesting people from various walks of life, from a small-town Mountain Man to a career woman in a big East Coast city. And while my clients seek me out for a variety of challenges, one particular challenge falls across my desk on a regular basis: a woman is dating a separated or divorced man.
In Dating the Divorced Man, I talk about the myriad of challenges a woman can encounter when dating these men. Clearly, not all of these men pose a problem; but the ones who do tend to have one thing in common: they aren’t progressing with the relationship. They get out of their marriages (whether by separation or legal divorce), begin a new relationship, but the relationship runs into an obstacle that keeps it stagnant. For example:
- He doesn’t want to file for divorce because he’s afraid he’ll lose his kids/money/home.
- He keeps sharing holidays with his ex and kids (his new partner isn’t invited) because he feels it’s better for everyone.
- He gives his money or time to his ex, above and beyond what’s appropriate for a divorced couple, because she “has no one else.”
- He won’t introduce his kids or family to his new partner, despite having dated for many months or even years, because he doesn’t feel they’re ready.
- He isn’t taking the next step in the relationship, whether seeing one another more, moving in together, or talking about marriage/the future despite claiming he wants to.
In all of these examples, what these men are really dealing with is FEAR. Fear of upsetting the ex, fear of upsetting the kids, fear of doing more “damage” to the kids beyond that of the separation/divorce, fear of disapproval from family, fear of losing money or property, fear of conflict, fear of commitment to a new person and having that “fail” too.
And hey, these fears are understandable. Divorce is no easy endeavor. But the real problem here isn’t fear of all those things I listed above; the problem is a fear of CHANGE, of venturing into the unknown.
When a man behaves like a Divorced Husband, keeps one foot in the present and one in the past, compartmentalizes his ex/kids/family away from his new girlfriend, and/or drags his feet on filing divorce papers, he commits to staying in a comfy cocoon of relative safety. He is in what appears to be a sweet spot: free of his ex and any burdens she came with, while getting to have a new relationship to offer him love/support/sex. He gets to avoid the pain of the legal process of divorce, the weirdness of trading off who gets the kids on holidays, the guilt of having broken up the family unit and left his ex alone and unsupported, the awkwardness of his kids seeing him with a woman other than Mom, or the risk of committing to someone new and making new mistakes with her. And by choosing to obey that fear and remain in that false sweet spot, he essentially takes himself out of the running for a new and better life.
It’s easy to knock these men as cowards. In some ways, they are. But fear is an extremely powerful motivator, perhaps the most powerful of all, and we are all guilty of staying stuck and avoiding change from time to time. In many ways, the women who date these men are also avoiding change, knowing if they step back or leave the relationship it will thrust them into the great unknown.
During the years I snowboarded (I eventually went back to skiing), I took a woman I worked with up to the mountains. She was a novice boarder but said she could keep up. Snowboarding involves doing alternating heel and toe turns to carve your way down a slope. The transition between heel and toe turns can be tricky for a novice. When we got up there, I discovered that this woman could do a heel turn, but not a toe turn. The latter scared her too much, so she would do a heel turn, then wrangle her way around until she could do another heel turn. This slowed her down, to say the very least. She could get down the slope, but she wasn’t snowboarding. The kicker? She was fine with doing it that way. Safeguarding her fear was more important to her than actually snowboarding.
That’s how these men are. They care more about their fear than creating a better future for themselves. So they do anything to remain attached to the past, rather than embrace the change they signed up for by separating or getting divorced.
If you wind up with a man whose fear is holding back your relationship, contact me for coaching. Just because fear runs his life doesn’t mean it has to run yours.
Resources
Dating the Divorced Man (Amazon)
Christie- I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I like to frequent it on my free time becuase I think it’s worthwhile and stimulating. I also bought and read your book. But, as a divorced man in his early 50’s, I have to take exception to your articles like this one about how men are walking hazards without any mention of the hazards of women. Yes, divorced middle aged men are walking hazards, but no more so than women (IMO). And, I might be willing to debate that divorced middle aged women, on average, are more hazardous than men. Put them together and you have an interesting and complex combination of chemicals.
I’m reminded of this column from another columnist whom I religiously read: http://www.reviewjournal.com/columns-blogs/steven-kalas/we-are-all-walking-wounded
As my shrink once told me, we just need to find someone who has a compatible pathology.
Hey Scott,
Thanks for commenting. Maybe you didn’t see where I said, “Clearly, not all of these men pose a problem.” The article isn’t about the average middle-aged divorced man; it’s about the “special” ones who are stuck, the problematic exceptions.
Dating in middle age does have its challenges and hazards for sure, and I don’t think men have more hazards than women. But this article (and similar ones) is aimed at my female followers who have read “Dating the Divorced Man” and can relate to this situation. I’ll have more of these articles, since there aren’t any other experts who really know how to handle this unique niche.
I’ll check out the article you posted. I agree with him based on the title alone.
I recently broke up with a fearful dad. I think he really wanted to have a long, fulfilling relationship because he did try to overcome the obstacles. But he only became more and more fearful with the changes, until he just couldn’t do it anymore. I feel sad for him, and for his kids, and most of all for me, who now has to start over. But I’ll know better next time what to look for earlier on. Your book was really helpful to me during the relationship, and this post confirms that the breakup was the right thing for me at the right time. I just wish I could send a goodbye note to his kids, but I don’t even know what, if anything, he’s told them. (Probably nothing because of fear!)
O.D.: Sorry to hear it, but glad you made the right decision for you and can move on.
Christie both your book and your blog have been invaluable to me in making me realise how difficult these relationships can be. I got together with my separated man just as he was coming out of his marriage, where he had attempted many times for it to work. He had fallen out of love and we were work colleagues who had always got on great and he pursued me even though he had not processed any of the fall out of his marriage, including leaving his child who he loves dearly. Stupidly I thought that love could conquer all. So, we ploughed onwards with him spending all of his time at mine and then heading off to spend time with his child, with the premise he would tell everyone about our relationship after six months or so when the dust had settled. Well this time came and went and he still wanted to leave more time so that his ex would not feel he had moved on so quickly, and his family would not disapprove. This left me unsure of the situation. He was asking me to have faith in him yet he still could not be honest about me being in his life, even though by this point we were looking at renting a place together. Although all of our work colleagues knew about us he was still failing to inform the most important people, his wife and his family. So, started the arguments from my side. I didn’t want to be hidden and not only this but failure to tell anyone also meant I could not be introduced to his child, I felt he was totally compartmentalizing his life and worried if this would mean he would go back if the door was not fully closed. Things finally came to a head when a slip up meant I found out he had been out for the day with his ex wife and child and upon digging deeper has been on occasion staying at his old house when he leaves me in order to see his little boy, because in his words, it’s been easier. Finding out he had been lying I gave him an ultimatum in that he tells her about me or I would, and he says he has now had this conversation. However after all of the lies I don’t know if I can now believe this to be the case. He came to me the weekend after this fall out and swears he only stops there for his son and has no intention of ever getting back with his ex, however, is telling me he now has doubts about us! He says he is now questioning why he couldn’t be honest with me and that maybe as partners we don’t work! Honestly I am shell shocked that if he has now told his wife, he is backing off from me. He says he doesn’t feel I have ever had his back, but to be honest after a year of believing him of course I was going to get angry at times. What’s your advice for someone like me? He has contacted me today to say he has so much going on in his head but I haven’t responded. I just feel totally at a loss that it’s come to this
That’s a tough one, I can understand that he wants some time to introduce you to his family. But when he gave a date and then did not honor that, I see that as a red flag. He might have told his ex-wife about you because of the ultimatum you gave him, which is never a good idea.
And living together with someone that your not married too and not even introduced to as a girlfriend is not a good idea at all.
It’s been about 1 yr. How did things work or not work out?
Hi Beth,
Thanks for your reply and I agree now looking back there were a lot of red flags. It has been one year and things actually got progressively worse. After telling me he was not sure about me, I told him I planned to back off and give him the space he needed to sort his head out. To be honest at this point I believed he had gone back to his family but he constantly denied this. He then started to use the “I think I am depressed” card which looking back obviously gave him the time and space to go back with an excuse to offer me as to why he couldn’t see me. When I saw him at work however, he did seem to be a total shell of the person that I had known. But then slowly and surely he started to contact me more and more and we continued to travel together for work and stop together in hotels when away, as our company still thought of us as being together including our managers and had no idea what was going on in the background between us. He told me that he was having counseling at this point and very naively I believed him, but to be honest he was very very convincing and because our work knew I guess I thought there is no way he would be duping us all. He told me that he was living with his folks during this period and even sent me pictures from their home to “prove” this too me. Our contact continued, daily at work, first thing in the morning, throughout the evening. We then spent time together over the xmas period, new year, day trips out over weekends and then a holiday in January with another booked for May of this year and then surprise surprise his wife contacts me and the truth comes tumbling out that he is in fact still with her and went back to her last summer (when he started to say he was questioning me and when I had given him the ultimatum!). In fact after some discussions with his wife, he had in fact never told her about me last summer, so poor women had no idea that her husband had even been seeing me for the last 2 years! Wow, the lies that I have found out now are pretty unbelievable. The business trips he told her he was on when he was in fact away on holiday with me, the days out when he had told her he was going to buy her a mothers day gift but spent with me, the bike I bought him for xmas (which he took back to his family house in my car!) he told her he had won. This guy as I said is very very convincing and can lie totally to your face about pretty much anything it seems. And as of now, well of course, for sure he is back with his wife as ran his cowardly little self straight back there, but has already begun to try and tell me at work how its actually me he loves but that he didn’t have the strength to leave. Now he is saying that he has moved out and has split with his wife and is focusing on therapy to make him stronger to do the right thing finally. Do I believe this? Absolutely not. I have gone from being with someone and believing we had a future to realizing I am actually caught up in the middle of an affair that foolishly I had no idea I was in! The one thing this has taught me is to stay well away from a man who has just left his wife or significant other. They need time to work through what they really want and deal with the emotional trauma that goes along with leaving someone you have been with a long time. I am sure that there are many men who do leave, do the right thing and split properly before involving someone else, but then there are the ones who don’t have the courage to face up to things and the easiest option is then to stick with the security and stability of what you know but keep another women on the sidelines for whatever is lacking in their marriage. I just wish he had had the decency to be honest with me last year when he returned to his wife, because as heartbreaking as that would have been, I have now wasted another 9 months of my life and had to go through the heartbreak once more.
Dear Lorraine,
You may never see this reply but I am grateful to you for sharing your experience. Your story began a lot like mine.. then the coincidences started to tally. My guy is actually going to his wife’s home for dinner tomorrow night. I found out two days ago that he had already been to dinner ” as a family” a few weeks ago.
That is when I started an unexpected “no contact”. Truth be told, I am disappointed as I genuinely thought that he and I shared a solid relationship. I am grateful that I am learning what I am learning now.
Thank you Lorraine for your generosity.
Hi De Elle,
Nice to get a reply from you and sorry to hear you are in the same predicament. What was your situation and how longs it been going on for? Would be good to hear your story. Was your man separated when you first got together?
My married man is still attempting to contact me and its beyond crazy now. After constantly telling me that him and his wife are now in the process of divorce (which after all the lies to me, I didn’t believe) I have found out (yes, surprise surprise) that this is of course not true. I think they have been living separately, but obviously while they work on some kind of plan to rebuild their marriage, and he still goes back for days at a time to see his child and obviously her. Why not be honest with me? Because I think that he still cannot fully let me go either and hopes with his lies to continue to keep me hanging on. I have told him numerous times to leave me alone, and even now he texts me to tell me he loves me (which I don’t reply too). He continues to say he love me, but is too “scared” to deal with the consequences (ie leaving his child, the anger of his ex wife, starting all over again) but to be honest, after all this time, his reasons have now worn thin. I do geninuely believe some people cannot move forward as are trapped by their own fear of doing so, but if that’s the case then you have to reside yourself to this fact and not attempt to keep attempting to hang on to someone who you know you cannot fully commit too.
Hi Christie, I just read your book and wish that I had discovered it sooner! I’ve been in a year-long relationship with a man that I thought was divorced and I met his kids after four months of dating and adore them. About a week ago I found out that he has been legally separated for the last three years and his divorce was finalized a month ago. When I confronted him about this, he said that it was not his intent to use guile and said they have been separated for two years when we met, and the marriage was over, but they had to work through custody issues. I do remember him mentioning a court date regarding custody arrangements while we were dating but I was clueless and still thought they were already divorced. I was not familiar with all the steps of the divorce process prior to reading your book. He said he is glad the divorce is final and looks forward to building a life with me. In your book you mentioned that some men consider being legally separated the same thing as being divorced so it’s important to ask specifically when the divorce finalized (which I did not do). Wondering whether I should leave him or stay? Would love some thoughts on this!
To some, I am sure that this may just seem like a bazaar and unreal story. I have been dating my boyfriend for just a few short months. We met in a strange way but in another sense, everything seemed surreal. It didn’t take long for us to fall in love with each other. I’m sure neither of us planned this out. But, the downfall to this whole spill is that this man is still legally married. He has been married for 3 years, together with this woman for 7. They have two beautiful daughters that I just adore and love with all of my heart. I as well have two children, both boys. I guess my whole point in even writing this comment is because he says that he is done and has been for quite some time now. He says that their marriage and life together was doomed from the start, which I can see in many many ways. I have never felt such strong love come from another human being until I met this man. I have never been married before. I am the one that always seems to be a bridesmaid but never a bride. Relationships have never ended up good for me, which is why I am so headstrong about this one and not letting it go. This man just makes me feels a way that I never thought was possible. I would look at happy couples and always say, “It will never work”, or “You will end heart broken”. I was always in denial of love due to failed relationships of being lied to constantly or cheated on. My boyfriend says that he wants the divorce but I keep thinking to myself, if the marriage was over a long time ago, then why isn’t the divorce final. Why has it yet to be filed?? This woman, his wife, just seems to be obsessed. She will call for no reason, or out of the blue and talk to him about her issues, whatever they may be. She knows how to make him feel guilty for leaving. In a way, I feel the same guilt as he hides from me. I want to be with this man. He says that he loves me more than he has ever loved another woman and I believe that this is true. I just wish that chapter of his life, and their life together was closed. I understand they have two girls together, which we have full time, she gets them only two days/nights each week, so for them to have to be civilized I get that. But what I do not like is how she stares at him, she tries so hard to flirt and I know she wants him back. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. Should I step back and see if they get back together? Nobody deserves to be raised in a broken home. I grew up with divorced parents who despise each other. My two boys don’t have their dad in their lives.
Advice? Anyone? What would you do in this situation?
I’ve been dating a man for 9 months now who was married for 22 years. He still has not introduced me to his children or parents. He sleeps at my house every night, but would not accept a key when I tried to give him one. He’s very loyal and faithful and I’m pretty sure that he loves me by his gestures and behavior, but he won’t say it. It just makes me a little crazy not having the stability of knowing that he is committed to me. I feel like he really is THE ONE. I’ve never felt like this about anyone my entire life.
I had the same thing w/the man I knew for years and had on off long distance relationship. Trust your heart. But
my advise to you-be patient very patient. It will take him long time to open up and chances are he never will. I personally know I g now how hurt ypu can be, wont would avoid relationship w/him.
Christie –
You mention one of the ways a relationship with a divorced man can go stagnant is when he gives too much time and attention to the ex than what is appropriate for a divorced couple. What is “appropriate”?
In my situation, he’s been divorced for over 8 years after 20 years of marriage, has adult children (in their mid to late 20s), and his ex lives a couple of blocks away. I know what he’s doing isn’t normal: exchanging texts about things going on in their respective personal life (nearly daily), multiple calls a week, letting her dog out or picking it up from the kennel when she travels (she does this regularly), picking her up from the airport an hour away, going over to fix things at her house, or regularly going over to settle arguments between her and her adult children (still living with her). But what would “normal” look like? They had an acrimonious marriage.
Hi Lorraine,
Very interesting article but I may have a twist. I have been dating a woman for over 2 years that fits this perfectly. She’s committed to me but can’t move forward and can’t let go of her ex. I won’t go into details on this open forum but I am thankful to have come across this. It has helped me understand why she is doing this, not I just need to figure out how to get her to move forward.
Thanks again.
3 months ago I met a man who I liked a lot and was in the process of moving out his house who now his ex and kids are living… But he did not… we talked about it… and he said he is going to but he is having anxiety over it and he is afraid the impact on his kids…
How shall I deal with this as I really like the guy but I don’t want to be caught up like a “mistress”?
I just had my heart broken yesterday by who I thought was the man of my dreams. Our relationship was perfect and we were happy. He is a year and a half separated , filed papers for divorce. Was not an ugly divorce but there are children involved actually adult children one graduated college one going into college we have been friends since last May and started dating two months ago and literally everything was perfect and we were 100% happy his fears and doubts of our age difference and what his family will think sabotaged our relationship which ended yesterday and he said in a perfect world without his baggage we would be together married happy and I just cannot understand why he is not willing to work through these fears to be happy why would you not want to fight for happiness why cave to the fear? I would love the chance to speak with because I am completely lost
I just bought your book on divorced men – Thank you SO MUCH for posting this article. I’ve looked for over a YEAR on help with this issue, and no resource has helped as much as this one. You have described my problems almost to the LETTER.
My guy has been divorced for 10 years, and my divorce was finalized last May. He’s had 4 girlfriends before, all of who have broke up with him, due to similar issues and his lack of “being there” (he’s a truck driver).
I’ve been dating my guy for over a year now, and around the six month mark is when I started asking him about introducing me to his kids, parents and other family members. He’s always shown deep love for me, talked about wanting to marry me, etc. At this point I had already introduced him to my parents during Thanksgiving, and thought that his “meet the parents” gesture was well on the way, right? Well, his excuses were that his parents and family were always so busy, and that his one middle daughter has behavioral problems due to his divorce 10 years ago so he doesn’t want to complicate things in her life with his girlfriend coming into the mix. I’ve met his youngest, but only because he thinks that meeting her won’t complicate things as much as the older daughter. I’ve also met his sisters but never his parents. He has his kids on the weekends so I only get weekdays, and my weekdays are limited too because I have my son and REFUSE to expose my son and have him go out with us since he refuses to let me meet and hang out with his kids!
We’ve had tons of talks about this with no results. Last summer I had enough and downgraded the relationship to “casual dating” because of this mess, and that’s when he started to FINALLY make moves. Tried to reason with the ex wife so I could meet the kids, even though he treated it like she had the “final say.” That didn’t go so well, but he asked for more time before I made it “casual,” and asked that we setup counseling to tackle this issue. We set it up and made some progress (this is when I met his sisters and briefly shook hands with his Father), however, we had to stop going due to his truck driver job taking most of his time up. This past Christmas I told him I didn’t want to exchange gifts because I KNEW he wouldn’t invite me over to his parents, even as a “friend,” plus I said this hurts me too much and I need my distance. Stopped sleeping with him at one time too, but after a month I couldn’t stand seeing him suffer – and I missed the intimacy as well.
Right now he’s going to court for an officer claiming he “resisted arrest” after a fight with another guy who took up his parking space, so now I have to give him even MORE time to straighten that out before dealing with our stuff. It’s “delayed” any improvement for almost 3 months. And now I’m reluctant to get to know his family more because of his possible jail time – I don’t want to wait for him too much anymore, it’s not worth it I don’t think.
So now I’m just about at the end of my rope. I see so much potential in us, but he’s got so much baggage that he’s created for himself with the divorce AND now getting arrested for a fight. Plus his money is always low with the divorce obligations. I just have a fear of hurting him since he loves me so much and depends on me emotionally. I’m also afraid of hurting myself – I have Severe Depression and am dealing with both this issue and also family court due to an ex-husband dedicated to stopping my child and spousal support, so I’m afraid of a hard relapse.
Why can’t these men just LOVE, COMMIT and not hold back so much? It seems like they have no idea how much pain, suffering and loneliness they are causing! 🙁
Wow. I’m more scared now that I read all these stories than I was before! My guy and I are co-workers and have been dating for about 1.5 yrs. My story is just like ones above. Now, the judge signed his divorce papers and they are going to be filed. He is such a mess from the horrible thing she did during the divorce, including ruining his relationship with his teenage girls. We love each other but despite our plans to be together he has pulled back a bit, understandably working thru the emotions associated with the end of a long marriage. He is afraid our relationship will go sour too when I’ve done nothing but support him emotionally during the process. Also, while we do everything else, penetration isn’t something he is willing to do because he feels “guilty.”. Seriously?? He also hides our relationship, afraid to anger his kids again (they found out about us before divorce was final). I feel like I’m losing him but he swears that’s not the case; I just need to give him time. Always more time. He’s just so concerned about what everyone might think of him, and I think that’s fine for awhile but you try to take care of people but also should take care of yourself! Please help…I feel like it’s just taking over my thoughts sometimes and while he’s so emotional he is much better at compartmentalizing his feelings than I am!