Day 16: Masculinity and Attraction in Dating5
It’s Day 16, which means we begin the 2nd half of 30 Days of Dating Advice for Intellectual Badasses (IBs). We’ve covered some good topics so far, including owning your unique IB awesomeness, identifying your Dating Kryptonite, and those pesky social skills that can make or break your dating success. Here’s a recap of everything we’ve covered so far…
Now we’re moving on to masculinity, femininity, and how both play a fundamental role in that thing that draws men and women to one another: Attraction! No matter how well you get along with someone, no matter how compatible you are, no matter how much you have in common, if there’s no attraction, there’s no date, no sex, and no relationship.
Today, we’ll focus on the men and the importance of masculinity. As I mentioned yesterday, IBs are often well-balanced in their masculinity. You won’t generally come across an IB who acts like Klingon ready to go into battle. However, some IB men may have a LOT going for them, but find themselves too often in the Friend Zone, or overlooked by women who choose Klingon types (and then complain about them!).
The bottom line is, if you want to trigger women’s attraction, you have to lead with your masculinity. As I discuss in Changing Your Game, there’s no such thing as a man who isn’t masculine enough – only a man who hasn’t let his masculinity shine through.
How To Lead with Your Masculine Side
I’m going to offer up a few ideas for male IBs to consider. Not every one will work because every man is different. Try different things. See what works and what doesn’t. And remember, these suggestions should be tweaks, not personality changes.
Tone down the emotion. A hallmark of masculinity is emotional control. Men who smile less and show less emotion tend to turn women on more than men who smile constantly and wear their hearts on their sleeves. This doesn’t mean you can’t show your sensitive side, just save it for when you’ve built trust with a woman.
Take control. Pick the date restaurant, suggest what night to go out, make a new suggestion if the bar you chose is too crowded. Women love men who take charge.
Demonstrate Higher Value. Mystery, a well-known PUA, came up with the idea of DHVing. This means to show women (indirectly) you’re a high-quality guy. While I’m not a fan of trying to impress women with money and status, it never hurts to subtly let a woman know anything you have that demonstrates value in our culture, such as a good job, your own place, a workout regime you stick to, any accomplishments, specialized knowledge, even that you’re in a band. Go easy on this, though – bragging like a Klingon is worse than saying nothing at all.
Confidence. You’ve all heard a million times that women love confidence. It’s true. But people rarely explain what it is. Confidence is believing in yourself, and stepping forward even if you don’t know the best course of action. Confidence is saying, “Hey, I may not know what the fuck I’m doing, but I’m going to try anyhow.”
Don’t try too hard. Anytime you work too hard to impress a woman or to prove that you’re a worthy guy, you’re sunk. Masculine men always make an effort (laziness isn’t sexy), but they know trying too hard shows lack of confidence.
Have good boundaries. Masculine men don’t tolerate crap from a woman, no matter how hot she is. If she’s difficult, bitchy, or a flake, move on.
Watch Man Movies. I know, it sounds silly, but watching a good action movie with a masculine leading man can get your testosterone flowing.
Stay fit. Fit men look more masculine (more muscle, thinner waist). Fat is feminine.
Stay out of the Friend Zone. Once you’ve dated a woman a few times and she isn’t looking to move forward physically, or otherwise puts you in the Friend Zone, never stay there hoping she’ll come around. Respectfully move on.
An important point: Be aware that women are often slower to develop physical attraction than men are. Just because she isn’t hot for you immediately doesn’t mean she won’t come around. But if she doesn’t come around within a few dates, it’s just not a match, so move on. Likewise, just because a woman doesn’t develop attraction to you doesn’t mean you aren’t being masculine enough. Most of the time, it just isn’t a match. However, if you find yourself in the Friend Zone often, try the above tips and see what works.
Remember, no matter how great a guy you are, she has to see you as a MAN first in order to develop that attraction. No matter how much some women complain about men, it’s masculinity they love most.