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You’ve heard the saying:

It’s not that a man doesn’t want commitment. It’s that he’s doesn’t want to commit to YOU.

Ouch, right? A punch to the gut.

And sometimes a man isn’t ready for commitment, and there is no “right woman” for him if he’s not ready. Yet, more often than not, when a man stalls on moving forward with you, it’s because you aren’t the one for him.

I see this situation a lot in my work with women dating separated and divorced (particularly recently divorced) men. Often, like I discuss in Dating the Divorced Man, men in these situations can date and even fall in love with a woman, just to wind up: Read More

wherethemagichappensLast time, I talked about change: why change is necessary in dating, the difference between changing who you are and changing ineffective behaviors or habits, and why people resist change. This is such an important topic that one could write volumes on it. After all, change is often the one thing standing between you and what you want.

One of the tough things about change is facing the unknown. What’s familiar, even if it sucks, can be comforting because you know what to expect from it. Change means facing the unfamiliar, the foreign, the unexpected. It means facing a period where you feel a bit… lost.

That’s what people — including self-help gurus — don’t often tell you when they’re busy pushing you to try something different, make a change in your life, or leave your comfort zone. Read More

when-the-winds-of-change-blowOne of biggest challenges in dating — as in life — is knowing when you need to change. If you face rejection more than you would like, attract the wrong people, or have just dated for years and years without finding what you want, do you need to change in the hope that your dating life will also change and you’ll meet the right person? Or do you need to stick to your guns and accept who you are, in the hope that you’ll eventually meet the person who “gets” you?

The answer, unfortunately, is not that simple.

 

To Change or Not to Change?

In my books, my blog, and pretty much all dating advice, change is a constant theme. Yet, so is understanding who we are, deep down. When it comes to change, you need to know when to change and when to honor who you are. However, this isn’t always easy. Let’s go with an example: Read More

 

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Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica is a good “Strong Woman” example. No father, abusive mother, running from her vulnerabilities. I loved her character, by the way…

People who dispense dating advice will often tell you that confidence is sexy, sexier than a good income or a great face, and a key to attracting the other sex. And they’re right. However, it’s more of a challenge to define what confidence is and how to convey it. Sometimes, it’s easier to offer examples of what confidence ISN’T.

Last time, I talked about confidence and why it’s important. In my mind, confidence is believing in yourself. It’s being comfortable in your own skin and making peace with your imperfections and insecurities. I allude to this in Changing Your Game and It’s Not Him It’s YOU. Confidence isn’t something you just “have” or “don’t have” — it’s something you build with experience. This is why older people are more confident in themselves than younger people, and why risk-takers have more confidence than those who avoid risk — they’ve experienced difficulties, faced some of their demons, and have learned that they can handle whatever comes their way. Read More

 

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Leonard from Big Bang Theory, the ultimate TNG

So I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence: what it is and what it’s not. People who dispense dating advice are always pushing singles to show confidence, saying that confidence is sexy, sexier than a good income or a great face. And they’re right.

The problem is it’s much harder to actually define what confidence is, and what it’s NOT.

 

 

 

What is Confidence?

Google defines it as: “A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”

Fair enough. Read More

In my coaching practice, I work with a variety of people: men and women, those ranging from mid-20s to early 50s, and interesting people from various walks of life, from a small-town Mountain Man to a career woman in a big East Coast city. And while my clients seek me out for a variety of challenges, one particular challenge falls across my desk on a regular basis: a woman is dating a separated or divorced man.

In Dating the Divorced Man, I talk about the myriad of challenges a woman can encounter when dating these men. Clearly, not all of these men pose a problem; but the ones who do tend to have one thing in common: they aren’t progressing with the relationship. They get out of their marriages (whether by separation or legal divorce), begin a new relationship, but the relationship runs into an obstacle that keeps it stagnant. For example:

  • He doesn’t want to file for divorce because he’s afraid he’ll lose his kids/money/home.
  • He keeps sharing holidays with his ex and kids (his new partner isn’t invited) because he feels it’s better for everyone.
  • He gives his money or time to his ex, above and beyond what’s appropriate for a divorced couple, because she “has no one else.”
  • He won’t introduce his kids or family to his new partner, despite having dated for many months or even years, because he doesn’t feel they’re ready.
  • He isn’t taking the next step in the relationship, whether seeing one another more, moving in together, or talking about marriage/the future despite claiming he wants to.

Read More

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Ross and Rachel: cute but not intellectually compatible…

I haven’t written an IB (Intellectual Badass) article in a long time. But for some reason, the idea of intellectual compatibility has been rolling around in my mind for a while. What is intellectual compatibility? Is it important to date someone on your intellectual level? If so, how does that look?

 

Intelligent vs. Intellectual

I have a saying: Chemistry gets a relationship started, but Compatibility keeps it going. If you’re tired of “flame out” relationships that start great and then go to shit, chances are you aren’t dating people you’re compatible with. As I talk about in my books, compatibility is necessary for a strong relationship that lasts. Read More

 

Greetings, all. It’s been a while since I’ve put together a “digest” of interesting articles. These will include articles I was part of as well as others that I just found worth reading. Enjoy, and have a fun Cupid’s Day!

 

Podcast Interview with Justin from Giving Shy Guys Game

I had a nice long interview with Justin about everything from dating after divorce to whether there really is such thing as an alpha male.

Read More

imgresThese days, everyone’s dating online. In addition, more and more people are mobile dating, i.e. using their phones or other portable devices to find nearby singles. And probably one of the most well-known mobile dating apps is Tinder.

Tinder allows you to sign up through Facebook and use your Facebook pics and a brief write-up as your profile. It searches for other singles in your area at any given time. Once it finds one, you have a choice to make: if you don’t like what you see, you swipe left. If you do, you swipe right. If he or she does the same for you, you begin to figure out a time/place to meet. It’s that simple. Read More

imagesLast time I wrote about niceness, and why it seems to backfire with some people. It generated a great discussion on Facebook, which made me think some more about what niceness is and why it can be a problem.

I will begin with this: all good traits have a problematic side, and niceness is no exception.

Let’s take optimism: optimistic people tend to be happier, more successful, and more able to handle the ups and downs of real life. However, too much optimism is a problem when you refuse to see the signs of looming problems or think that all will work out instead of planning for potential disaster.

Read More

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