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Ross and Rachel: cute but not intellectually compatible…

I haven’t written an IB (Intellectual Badass) article in a long time. But for some reason, the idea of intellectual compatibility has been rolling around in my mind for a while. What is intellectual compatibility? Is it important to date someone on your intellectual level? If so, how does that look?

 

Intelligent vs. Intellectual

I have a saying: Chemistry gets a relationship started, but Compatibility keeps it going. If you’re tired of “flame out” relationships that start great and then go to shit, chances are you aren’t dating people you’re compatible with. As I talk about in my books, compatibility is necessary for a strong relationship that lasts. Read More

WARNING: NERD ALERT

I haven’t done a nerdy post in a long time. I miss it. So when I came across this chart that uses Star Wars characters to illustrate Myers-Briggs personality types, I could not resist.

 

What is Myers-Briggs?

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a well known personality test. By “well known,” I mean that the average person has heard of the MBTI and may even know their type. Personality inventories allow us to understand ourselves – and others – better. When we see that different types respond to life in different ways, we learn to understand and accept, rather than criticize and judge. As you can imagine, this is really important when it comes to relationships.

The MBTI has four dimensions:

Extroversion (E) vs. Introversion (I): Are you, respectively, more external (E) or internal (I)?

Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N): Do you gather information through your senses (S) or your Intuition (N)?

Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F): Do you make your decisions based on what makes the most logical sense (T) or what’s best for everyone involved (F)?

Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P): Do you prefer things set and planned (J) or to “see what happens” and “play it by ear” (P)?

Collectively, this creates 16 different personality types.

Read More

Good morning, Intellectual Badasses! Guess what? It’s Day 30 – which means that, after today, your email inbox will no longer be inundated with daily musings from yours truly. We’ve covered a lot of topics in this campaign, and it’s been fun, intellectually stimulating, and a good learning experience. If you missed anything or want to review what we’ve covered, here is a menu of the 30-day campaign, with links to each article.

I plan to continue offering dating advice for Intellectual Badasses, and this blog will be devoted primarily to that topic. I already have new topics planned for future blogs, and already have questions from readers that need answering. I will continue posting, but only 1-2 times per week. I encourage all of you to join in the conversation and leave a comment, offer a suggestion for blog topics or themes, or email me with a specific question you’d like me to address on the blog (drchristiehartman@gmail.com).

A few other announcements:

  • I’m thinking about starting a Facebook page devoted to dating for IBs. It would be a place to share IB-related posts, articles, jokes, etc. I’m already doing that to some extent on my personal Facebook page, but I’d like to create a community for just IBs. Sound good?
  • I’m also on Twitter (@DenverDateDr). If you message me, I’ll follow you, put you on my “friends” list, and we can share one another’s messages.
  • I’m close to publishing an online dating book for women: How To Meet Mr. Right ONLINE. I will keep you posted on those details, as well as some special offers…
  • I’m lining up ideas for the next book or series of books. Do you have requests or issues you feel need to be addressed in a book? Now’s the time to offer your input…

Hope you enjoyed the campaign. I got a lot of good comments on the blogs, as well as many private emails and other comments from you. I think we’re on to something good here, so let’s continue it. Happy Day 30, and see you next week!

Christie

 

Good morning, Intellectual Badasses, and Welcome to Day 29. We’re close to wrapping up our 30-Day IB journey, and we’ve covered a LOT of ground. But we haven’t yet spent much time talking specifically about a particular strain of Intellectual Badass. As you know, the title of Intellectual Badass also includes those who are technically inclined. Which means it includes you engineers out there.

I ran across an amusing article entitled “Engineers Explained.” Although the scope of the article went beyond dating topics, many of the points pertained to dating when you’re an engineer, or, conversely, dating an engineer. Here are a few highlights:

“In contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:”

  • Get it over with as soon as possible.
  • Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  • Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”

“Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.”

“Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties.”

 

Based on my many experiences with engineers, the article (while meant to be funny), doesn’t fall too far from the truth. However, I’d like to hear your perspective, especially you engineers. I know I have some female engineers who subscribe as well – what say you?

You can read the article here: Engineers Explained

 

Some useful links:

30-Day IB Campaign recap

Christie’s books

Welcome to Day 28 of 30 Days of Dating Advice for Intellectual Badasses! Today I want to talk about the Friend Zone: what it is, how it develops, and what to do about it.

 

The Friend Zone

The Friend Zone refers to that place where someone you’re interested in likes you but doesn’t want to take the relationship to the next level. They may say, “I only see you as a friend,” or, in some cases, nothing is said – you’re friends and you wish it could be more.

What’s actually happening when you wind up in the Friend Zone? In a nutshell, the person you like doesn’t feel physically attracted to you, and only feels the emotional and/or intellectual attraction that sustains the friendship.

 

Why it Develops

The Friend Zone is a place many men know well, although some women have experienced it as well. The reason it’s so much more common for men is that men and women differ in how they develop attraction. As I discuss in Changing Your Game, men typically feel physical attraction first, then develop emotional and intellectual attraction later. If he doesn’t feel that physical attraction, he’ll probably move on. Women, on the other hand, often develop physical attraction for a man AFTER she develops some other form of attraction to him. Thus, she can genuinely like a guy but not want to sleep with him. Because this doesn’t happen to men as often, they may get confused by her signals and think they have a chance with her. This isn’t ironclad, but it’s a common dynamic.

 

What To Do About It

The best way to handle the Friend Zone is to avoid getting in it in the first place. When you meet someone and get to know them, at some point someone has to make a move. You have to ask them out, then break the touch barrier by trying to kiss them or hold their hand. If it’s someone you’ve known a long time, you can have The Talk. Yeah, it’s awkward and risky. But better to feel awkward and know the truth. If she’s up for it, great. If not, move on. Avoid doing nothing and hoping it will all work out. It rarely will. Once you’re in the Friend Zone, it’s much harder to get out of it.

What if you’re already there (and hoping to change it), or you’ve developed attraction to someone you’ve been friends with for a while? Here, you have to get them to see you differently. Here are a few things to try:

  • Make your move. If the person has no clue how you feel, speak up or make a move. Don’t worry about “ruining the friendship” – the friendship was over the moment you developed feelings for him/her.
  • Back off. When one person wants more than the other person does, the person who wants less will sense it on some level. This can put the relationship in permanent stall mode. Instead, accept that his/her feelings may never change. Back off with your actions AND your feelings and see what happens.
  • Start dating others. Once they see you’re desirable to others, it may trigger new feelings.
  • Give less. When you give your time and energies to a friend you hope will become more, he or she will associate that with your friendship and take them for granted. Instead, save such efforts for someone who returns your affections.

Whatever you do, don’t stay in the Friend Zone. It’s not good for either of you. If you make your move and your quarry doesn’t return your feelings, respectfully move on.

 

Ross-and-Rachel-Friends-television-and-movie-couples-27777474-411-273

Happy Monday, Intellectual Badasses.

I have a question for you: if you ever watched the TV show Friends (who didn’t, right?), how did you feel about Ross and Rachel’s relationship? Did you like them together? Did they seem like a well-matched couple? What did you think about them getting together in the end?

I ask because Ross and Rachel represent a good example of an IB/non-IB relationship. Sure, we’re talking about television here and not a real relationship. But I use their relationship as a way to illustrate today’s topic – whether IB/non-IB relationships work.

This is really a question of compatibility. As I discuss in Changing Your Game and It’s Not Him, It’s YOU, if chemistry gets a relationship started (it does in many cases), compatibility keeps it going. Compatibility isn’t just about having things in common or having similar traits; it’s about meshing well together despite any differences. And, as you know, there will always be differences.

An Intellectual Badass may wish for someone as bright as they are, for someone who loves science as much as they do, or for someone who also appreciates old Star Trek reruns or long, involved conversations about The Hunger Games series. It’s great if you can get that, but more often even other IBs won’t have all the traits you wish for. Likewise, a non-IB may not share your occupation or hobbies, but may share other, more crucial values.

In other words, it doesn’t matter whether you choose an IB or a non-IB, as long as you’re compatible in the areas that matter most. Do your personalities mesh, or clash? Do you agree on what type of relationship you want and whether you want kids? Is being with them easy or difficult? Most importantly, do they appreciate you for who you are?

My husband is a bright guy, but he’s not an IB. He doesn’t care about science, never watches science fiction with me, and hasn’t read any of my books. Do I care? Not a bit. Why? Because we mesh in areas that are far more important to me. We’re the same age. Neither of us has kids or plans to have them. We get along well, despite any differences. He has good social skills. We have similar life goals. We respect one another’s work, and he has no problem with my IBness. I have my IB friends and colleagues to share all that with.

So what about Ross and Rachel? Not to be a curmudgeon, but I vote no on that relationship, despite having loved that show. It isn’t because Ross was an IB and she wasn’t, or because Ross was smarter than Rachel. It’s because they didn’t mesh well. He looked down on her love of fashion; she couldn’t stand his dinosaur talk. He wanted marriage and kids; she got squirrelly about such conventional stuff.  He liked to be close; she needed more space. They spent most of their relationship clashing with one another. And, to be honest, having just begun the 4th season of Big Bang Theory, I see Leonard and Penny’s relationship showing similar signs.

Yes, an IB can easily date non-IBs. Just make sure they’re compatible with you.

 

Some useful links:

30-Day IB Campaign recap

Christie’s books

Happy Sunday, all. It’s Day 26 of 30 Days of Dating Advice for Intellectual Badasses. Some time ago I wrote a post about what to do when you’re smarter than you’re date. If you’re an IB, it’s going to happen at some point. Today, I want to talk about what to do when you’re the bright one… and female. Yes, it’s different if you’re a woman.

I’m not going to go all feminist on you. That’s not what I’m about. But, like most of you, I recognize that men and women are different in some ways, and there are different social expectations for each sex. To get to the point, I’ve observed the following:

  • Dating and relationships are easiest (and most satisfying) when the man and woman share reasonably similar intellectual abilities.
  • If there are IQ differences, it works better when the male is the smarter one. The larger the difference, the truer this is.
  • If the woman is much smarter than the man, one will lose interest in the other. In my experience, the man will lose interest first.

Generally speaking, a woman doesn’t mind a smarter man in the same way she doesn’t mind if he out-earns her. If she’s not especially bright or accomplished, she may prefer a smarter and more accomplished man, with the reasoning that he can “take care” of her. In our culture, men don’t want or need to be “taken care of,” so a woman’s high IQ or income, while admirable, is superfluous. Oversimplified? Perhaps. But you get my point.

Are there exceptions to this? Sure. A man who isn’t especially bright or educated will do well with a bright woman if he’s got practical, worldly knowledge that has proven useful in his life – i.e. he’s “street smart.” This kind of confident man doesn’t need a high IQ because his own brand of intelligence serves him well. This is important – after all, how many bright people do you know who are great in school or at their jobs, but “dumb” in other important areas of life?

If you’re a bright woman, do I recommend you date smart guys? For the most part, yes. It’s usually easier. And, you will find that most bright men will prefer you over other women. BUT, there are several caveats to this:

  • Don’t confuse education with intelligence. I know women who refuse to date men with less education. They fear encountering men who are threatened by their education or intelligence. But every field requires a different level of education. And these days, anyone with money (usually from Mom and Dad) can go to college.
  • Don’t confuse income with intelligence. It’s easy to assume people with money are smarter than the rest of us. Not the case. People with lots of money, assuming they earned it themselves, are smarter about MONEY.
  • Don’t confuse charm with intelligence. Charming men seem smarter, but they aren’t. They’re usually good people-readers and have good social skills, which is why they succeed with others. Make sure there’s substance (intellectual or otherwise) to back up the charm.

In other words, don’t judge a book by its cover. You won’t know if a man is a intellectually compatible with you until you get to know him. Many times, you’ll find that smart men will gravitate toward you and men who don’t match your smarts won’t. And if you do meet a great guy who isn’t as intellectually heavy-hitting as you are? As long as he’s confident in himself and you’re compatible in other ways, give him a whirl. There are different kinds of intelligence and you can learn a lot from one another.

This is the first time I’ve written on this topic. Would love your input….

 

Some useful links:

Recap: 30-Day IB Campaign

Christie’s books

Good day, Intellectual Badasses! It’s Day 25 of 30 Days of Dating Advice for IBs. I want to talk a bit about how to approach dating if you’re shy or introverted. Not all Intellectual Badasses are shy or introverted, and not all shy/introverted people are IBs. But if you happen to fit into both categories – and many IBs do – dating can be more challenging for you.

First, it’s important to differentiate between introversion and shyness. Introversion refers to being an “internal” person, rather than an “external” person. To quickly summarize, introverts tend to think more, talk less, and find being around lots of people over-stimulating after a while. Shyness, on the other hand, refers more to social inhibition, where the shy person hangs back out of fear of doing/saying something foolish or garnering too much attention. Often, the two constructs overlap. And, the advice I offer here will, for the most part, apply to either one.

Dating requires attracting, approaching, meeting, and interacting with new people. It means getting to know them and letting them get to know you, and finding that thing you both connect on. And why introversion can influence many aspects of your dating life, here’s one significant way it can limit you: Read More

Welcome to Day 24, Intellectual Badasses. I don’t know about you, but I say we move on from online dating for a while and finish out this campaign with some specific IB topics we haven’t covered yet.

There are many Intellectual Badasses who, to varying degrees, fall into the Geek or Nerd category. Of course, if you search on the definition of either term, you will find there is NO consensus whatsoever. In my mind, Geek refers to all that’s technical or to any special obsession, and Nerd refers to all that’s scientific or sci-fi. But, really, there’s considerable overlap between the two. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a nerd. I love science and science fiction, and while I’ve never been to any event that ends in “Con,” that will change this October.

I think most of us now recognize that Nerd- and Geekdom have become more mainstream.  This is the information age, where science and tech knowledge dictates industry and shows like Big Bang Theory are as popular as Seinfeld was. Chances are, this will continue. However, I’ve found that some people don’t really embrace their geek or nerd side, and even find the terms distasteful. Often, this is because they associate the words from experiences that happened long ago, before Bill Gates, before Geekdom became the new cool. Many IBs were made fun of criticized at some juncture in their lives (often childhood) for the very things that make them great:

  • Their brains (and good grades)
  • Having spent more time studying than partying or having sex
  • Their love of science and tech
  • Their love of science fiction, fantasy, and comics
  • Playing video games instead of sports
  • Reading too much instead of playing outside

You get my point. And while you can say that was “long ago,” sometimes you hold on to those negative associations and don’t embrace who you are or the new age we live in. It’s like the girl who was chubby growing up, became thin, but still feels like the “fat girl.” Or the boy who was super shy in high school, isn’t so shy anymore, but still sees himself as the kid none of the girls paid attention to. I know a lot of amazing, impressive people who do this. It impacts their confidence, and that impacts their dating prospects.

It’s time to shed those negative associations and form new ones. You developed certain mental habits to handle criticism or shit-slinging; now it’s time to break those habits and form new ones that jive with the environment you’re in now. Embrace your inner geek or nerd by recognizing how your IB traits have benefitted you, and still do. Join up with other IBs to build solidarity and confidence in whatever makes you YOU. You’re a successful adult now – own it.

 

Some useful links:

Recap: 30-Day IB Campaign

Christie’s books

Good morning, all. Welcome to Day 23 of 30 Days of Dating Advice for Intellectual Badasses. We’re still covering the brave world of online dating, and how you can maximize your online dating experience.

With online dating rapidly becoming one of the most common ways couples meet, the industry has responded and developed a truly impressive menu of online dating options. Most of you are familiar with (and probably use) Match.com or other well-known sites such as eHarmony, OkCupid, or Plenty of Fish. These sites are useful due to their sheer size, which increases your options.

However, these are general sites. They’re designed for anyone and everyone who wants to date online. There are also more specialized dating sites that cater to specific groups of people. These are referred to as niche sites. They have niche sites that cater to specific religions, specific ethnicities, and specific hobbies or lifestyle choices. And, they have niche sites that cater to Intellectual Badasses.

If online dating is the primary way you date, an effective strategy can be to join both a large general dating site and one niche site to maximize your options.

The following includes a list of niche dating sites for IBs. Because Intellectual Badasses are a heterogeneous group of individuals, this list contains a variety of different options. See if one appeals to you. Also, note that this is simply a list of what’s possible, not a recommendation list. I haven’t tried these sites. There are a couple I would definitely try if I were single. So try them for me and report back to us!

 

For Scientists

Science Connection

Scientific Singles

 

For Techies

Cupidtino

Geek 2 Geek

Nerd Passions

 

For Brainy Types

Right Stuff Dating

Brainiac Dating

 

For Nerds (i.e. those who love of sci-fi, fantasy, gaming, etc)

Soul Geek

Nerd Passions

Trek Passions

Vampire Passions

Date Craft

 

For Literary Types and Book Lovers

Alikewise

Reading Passions

amazon

ibooks