Online Dating Tips for Introverts


Anyone else love Mr. Darcy?? A true INTJ, if there ever was one. Photo from the Mashable article.

Online dating can be a different experience for introverts. On the one hand, the “putting yourself out there” and the making small talk with complete strangers can prove taxing to the introvert. On the other, online dating can be achieved from the quiet and comfort of your own home and involves only 1-on-1 communications, both of which favor the introvert. And, in the end, as I’ve said 100 times before, online dating is a useful vehicle to meet other singles you wouldn’t normally meet. Introverted or not, sometimes getting online is the solution.

I’ve been slowly working on my “dating advice for introverts” materials. It includes a separate section for online dating. So when Mashable (Mashable!!) contacted me recently to ask if I’d like to offer up tips for introverts dating online, I gave them tips… probably more than they ever wanted :).

Some of these tips are included in the Mashable article “8 Ways Introverts Can Crush Online Dating.” Interestingly, Susan Cain was also a source for the article. She wrote the bestseller Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. I recently finished it; it’s an excellent book. And I’m a pretty tough critic when it comes to books on human behavior. If you want to understand introversion from every possible angle, all from a scientifically-based standpoint, read this book. Ms. Cain really did her homework.

But for now, read the Mashable article and let me know what you think. And I’ll keep working on those “dating for introverts” materials…



Useful Links

Christie’s Books

Other Articles on Introversion 

8 Online Dating Success Stories


Image from the Gizmodo article (click to see article)

We’ve done a lot of talking about online dating here: how it works, how to succeed at it, why it’s tough, and even all the negative aspects of it. We’ve talked about all the various online dating sites and online methods for meeting people: big, well-known dating sites like Match, match-based sites like eHarmony, niche sites that match dog-lovers or Sci-fi nerds, app-based sites like Tinder, or even social media sites like Twitter or Facebook.

Well, it’s the holidays now, which I still maintain is a great time to date. Which means it’s time for a little pre-holiday cheer.

A friend sent me a Gizmodo article entitled “8 Online Dating Stories with Happy Endings.” These stories are interesting because they involve a variety of online settings, from Craigslist (yes, I was surprised too), AOL (seriously!), as well as more conventional dating sites. What’s also interesting about them is that they’re all penned by men. While online dating is tough for both genders, men often experience greater frustration and setbacks with it, so it’s interesting to see men share success stories. Finally, the comment section is also littered with success stories.

Sure, these people may be the exception to the rule or have gotten lucky, which a couple of them acknowledge. But what I find most interesting about the stories is that, in each situation, the two people just clicked. There was no talk of finding the perfect profile or the hottest person or scorching chemistry… it was just two people who “got” each other. And that’s how it should feel if you want to find the right person.

As I’ve always said, online dating is just another way to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet. You never know where you’ll meet that person who “gets” you.




Christie’s Books

Online dating article archive

Revisiting the LBF (Let’s Be Friends)

jerry-seinfeld-and-elaineDear Christie:

I loved your book Back in the Game as well as your posted articles.

I’m 48, divorced for several years and recently got the ‘just friends’ nonsense. I took it well and in fact even went on several non-dates with this wonderful woman who is interesting, beautiful and great company. Why not? She said she’s moving soon and cannot date for that reason. This could be why, but in my opinion women usually resort to the friend zone because they’re just not feeling it. Which is totally acceptable. If men would understand this tactic there wouldn’t be a problem. Some future non-dates could occur and the relationship would trail off. Then if you happen to run into each other  it’s not awkward. So men should shape up.

But… women should not offer friendship if they don’t actually want it. Real friendship is a great thing and we tend to abuse this word. Would it be so bad for a woman to say “Let’s go Dutch somewhere because I enjoy your company but I’m not interested in dating…,” or “I’m not interested in dating but it was nice to have met you.” We men are dense but we’re not that dense. Admittedly men are probably mostly to blame for this phenomenon because we don’t take the time to process the communication coming from women. We hear body language, verbal tone, actions and other queues, it just takes us a few days. Sometimes we’re really dumb. But can you blame us? You women are so beautiful and mesmerizing that our frontal lobes shut down like we’re in battle. Don’t encourage us to be any more moronic than we already are by offering something as indefinable as just-friendship. read more…

Dating: When is it Time to Give Up?

crossroadsIf you’re anything like me, you’ve had a dream or goal, worked steadily toward it, imagined how it would be when you achieved it… and then had things not work out the way you hoped they would. Perhaps you experienced numerous setbacks or failures… or perhaps you achieved some success but then found it didn’t feel like you thought it would. This can happen in your career or financial life… and it can happen in dating as well. It’s happened in every area of my life, multiple times.

No one wants to go to college (or grad school) for all those years just to wind up disliking the field they work in, just as no one hopes to fall in love, get married, and raise a family just to wind up in a difficult marriage that isn’t working. Likewise, no one embarks on the adventure of dating with the expectation of facing rejection and/or relationships that blow up. It’s at that point we may say, “This isn’t what I signed up for.” And once you realize things aren’t going well, you have a decision to make: change the situation, or leave the situation.

read more…

Women, Men, and Street Harassment: The 10-Hour Experiment

Well, it seems these days I write quite a bit on controversial topics: the Ray Rice situation, the Santa Barbara shootings… I used to avoid such topics, knowing that they inflame people and generate a lot of rather disgusting comments that make the rest of us doubt the decency of humanity. But now I feel differently. Someone has to be the voice of reason with controversial issues, and that’s something I’m good at.

What’s the Controversy Du Jour? The video of a woman walking the streets of Manhattan for 10 hours while a hidden webcam records everything she experiences, including a lot of comments and attention from men. The video has gone viral, everyone is talking about it, and it’s generated a considerable amount of controversy and the usual slew of ugly commentary.

Watch it, if you haven’t already. It’s just under 2 minutes.

“10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman”

So this video has generated a variety of responses, from people (male and female) finding the behavior of these men harassing, disgusting, and dangerous, to people (male and female, but mostly male) calling the woman rude, unfair, or much worse. The video gets at an extremely important question that I see asked again and again in many different ways: when it comes to male-female interactions, what is acceptable and what is not? read more…

Online Dating: Do You Judge People By Their Email?

imagesYou know the drill when dating online: first you browse profiles, then you email. Email is the first real contact you have with other humans online, which makes it completely different than conventional dating. This can be an asset… or a liability.

When you begin dating, your Judging Mind is fully operational: you’re looking at their appearance for signs of attraction (and lack of), you’re listening closely to what they say to check for signs of compatibility (or lack of), and you’re watching their behavior for any red flags. And while some people over-engage this Judging Mind, to some extent it’s a natural human tendency when evaluating whether a person is even trustworthy, much less date-worthy. Some level of judgment is a necessity in life.

And, when dating online, the email offers a new opportunity to make judgment calls. When a man’s email has sexual innuendo in it and you haven’t even met him yet, you know he’s not trustworthy (or only wants sex). If a woman doesn’t want to meet you in person and instead wants an email marathon that goes on indefinitely, you know she isn’t serious about dating. Here, judgment is a way to screen out people who waste your time and impede your goals. And that’s good. read more…

Christie Hartman, PhD


Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.


Article Archives