So I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence: what it is and what it’s not. People who dispense dating advice are always pushing singles to show confidence, saying that confidence is sexy, sexier than a good income or a great face. And they’re right.
The problem is it’s much harder to actually define what confidence is, and what it’s NOT.
What is Confidence?
Google defines it as: “A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”
Fair enough. read more…
In my coaching practice, I work with a variety of people: men and women, those ranging from mid-20s to early 50s, and interesting people from various walks of life, from a small-town Mountain Man to a career woman in a big East Coast city. And while my clients seek me out for a variety of challenges, one particular challenge falls across my desk on a regular basis: a woman is dating a separated or divorced man.
In Dating the Divorced Man, I talk about the myriad of challenges a woman can encounter when dating these men. Clearly, not all of these men pose a problem; but the ones who do tend to have one thing in common: they aren’t progressing with the relationship. They get out of their marriages (whether by separation or legal divorce), begin a new relationship, but the relationship runs into an obstacle that keeps it stagnant. For example:
- He doesn’t want to file for divorce because he’s afraid he’ll lose his kids/money/home.
- He keeps sharing holidays with his ex and kids (his new partner isn’t invited) because he feels it’s better for everyone.
- He gives his money or time to his ex, above and beyond what’s appropriate for a divorced couple, because she “has no one else.”
- He won’t introduce his kids or family to his new partner, despite having dated for many months or even years, because he doesn’t feel they’re ready.
- He isn’t taking the next step in the relationship, whether seeing one another more, moving in together, or talking about marriage/the future despite claiming he wants to.
One of the things I hear over and over from introverted singles is that they hate small talk. This isn’t too surprising, as a dislike for or lack of skill with small talk is a common defining trait of introversion. Extroverts are the ones with the gift of gab, the ones who can talk to strangers about anything and always have something to say. Why? Because they love to talk! They enjoy the stimulation of shooting the breeze with other people, whether the talk is big or small. Introverts, on the other hand, may struggle with this.
Needless to say, difficulty with small talk can be a problem in dating. Dating, by its very nature, requires you to talk to strangers and make small talk. If this is something you hate or aren’t good at, you may find yourself either disliking the dating process or avoiding it altogether. After all, when you meet new singles, there’s small talk. When you go out on a date, there’s small talk. When you chat on an online dating site… yes, more small talk. It may feel like a conspiracy to keep you single.
I haven’t written an IB (Intellectual Badass) article in a long time. But for some reason, the idea of intellectual compatibility has been rolling around in my mind for a while. What is intellectual compatibility? Is it important to date someone on your intellectual level? If so, how does that look?
Intelligent vs. Intellectual
I have a saying: Chemistry gets a relationship started, but Compatibility keeps it going. If you’re tired of “flame out” relationships that start great and then go to shit, chances are you aren’t dating people you’re compatible with. As I talk about in my books, compatibility is necessary for a strong relationship that lasts. read more…
I haven’t spent much time discussing race in dating. For one, it hasn’t been a big issue in my single life or in my work as a dating expert. Which is not surprising, considering that I’m white, and race is a more salient issue for minorities. For another, race is a huge topic, one that’s difficult to address in even a series of articles.
But after taking a gander over to OkCupid’s blog again and seeing that they’ve done an interesting (and telling) series of analyses examining race and online dating, I thought I would bring it up.
For myself, I mostly dated white guys during my single years, not because I had an issue dating minorities, but because the world I inhabited was comprised primarily of white men. This changed when I began dating online and men of other ethnicities contacted me. Yes, I went out with men of color, and I’m glad I did. read more…
On this blog, I have an entire category of articles entitled “Dating and Divorce.” These articles span various topics related to dating after a divorce, but most are devoted to a specialty area of mine: dating separated and divorced men. Many of the articles in that folder represent my most frequented and most commented articles. I published Dating the Divorced Man in 2007 and it’s now it its 2nd edition. Clearly, this is a topic many people can relate to.
Most of the comments from these article are stories from women who have suffered difficulties dating a separated or divorced man. The women share their stories, advise and support one another, and I chime in when I can and when I feel it’s appropriate.
However, on rare occasion I get a comment not from a woman dating one of these men, but from a “first wife,” the woman a divorced man was once married to (or, in some cases, still in the process of divorcing). And while the articles aren’t written for the first wife, I like these comments because they provide another point of view. For example: read more…