She’s Baaack!

Yours truly, hiking Ventana Canyon in Tucson.

Greetings and salutations, all!

Remember me? Christie Hartman? Dr. Christie? Yes, I’m still alive. But if you’ve forgotten who I was or assumed I was abducted by aliens, it’s because the last time I published a blog on this site was 8/7/15. Yeah, that long ago.

There are a lot of reasons for that, some good and some bad. The good is I needed time to focus on a passion project of mine, which is my fiction business. I’ve gotten several books out and am beginning to grow an audience, something that can take a long, LONG time. It’s been lots of hard work but also very enriching for my soul.

The bad is that, to be honest with you all, I’m not a fan of the dating industry and I didn’t want to be part of it anymore. Don’t get me wrong–there are good dating experts doing good work out there. But there are also plenty who are exploiting single people in the hopes of making a ton of money as well as offering dating advice that lacks either real expertise or a respect for people. For some reason, dating advice (unlike relationship or marital advice) tends to attract a lot of hacks.

So why am I here, writing this?

Because one of my callings in life is to use my knowledge and expertise to help people. I miss doing that. I never shut down this blog or website because I knew, on some level, that I would want to resurrect it again. But it’s going to be a little different than before.

What’s Next?

Many dating and relationship advice experts tend to evolve into related but new areas in which they can serve others. Some of these areas include personal growth, success, and/or spirituality. And it makes sense. There’s only so much dating advice you can give, only so much a person can benefit from. In the end, success in dating, like success in any area of life, is about our own journeys as humans, about learning to become the best person we can be.

As such, this blog will include more posts on personal growth and success. Will I still offer dating advice? Definitely. But I will go beyond that, and share with you the things I’ve learned on becoming the person you want to be and living the life you want to live. If you can learn those tools, your dating life will prosper, as will other areas of your life.

So what sort of topics am I going to talk about? Here are a few that I’ve already planned:

  • How to determine your core values, and live your life with them as your guide.
  • What introversion is, and how it affects your dating life (I’ll probably put out a book on this topic, too).
  • Attachment styles and how they impact dating and relationship success.
  • Book reviews on personal growth and success books, especially the classics.
  • Learning to see relationships as growth experiences, not possessions.
  • Mental illness and how it impacts your dating life.

And much, much more.

If these topics interest you, great. Stay tuned. I will be updating the site with better WordPress themes and updated images as well.

If you’ve moved on or don’t have interest in these topics or me, no problem at all. Just unsubscribe and I wish you the best of luck.

I’ve missed you all. And I look forward to where this goes.

Sincerely,

Christie

When He’s Not Ready for Commitment… With YOU

 

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You’ve heard the saying:

It’s not that a man doesn’t want commitment. It’s that he’s doesn’t want to commit to YOU.

Ouch, right? A punch to the gut.

And sometimes a man isn’t ready for commitment, and there is no “right woman” for him if he’s not ready. Yet, more often than not, when a man stalls on moving forward with you, it’s because you aren’t the one for him.

I see this situation a lot in my work with women dating separated and divorced (particularly recently divorced) men. Often, like I discuss in Dating the Divorced Man, men in these situations can date and even fall in love with a woman, just to wind up: read more…

Dating and Change: What Does it Mean to “Leave Your Comfort Zone”?

wherethemagichappensLast time, I talked about change: why change is necessary in dating, the difference between changing who you are and changing ineffective behaviors or habits, and why people resist change. This is such an important topic that one could write volumes on it. After all, change is often the one thing standing between you and what you want.

One of the tough things about change is facing the unknown. What’s familiar, even if it sucks, can be comforting because you know what to expect from it. Change means facing the unfamiliar, the foreign, the unexpected. It means facing a period where you feel a bit… lost.

That’s what people — including self-help gurus — don’t often tell you when they’re busy pushing you to try something different, make a change in your life, or leave your comfort zone. read more…

Do You Need To Change to Succeed in Dating?

when-the-winds-of-change-blowOne of biggest challenges in dating — as in life — is knowing when you need to change. If you face rejection more than you would like, attract the wrong people, or have just dated for years and years without finding what you want, do you need to change in the hope that your dating life will also change and you’ll meet the right person? Or do you need to stick to your guns and accept who you are, in the hope that you’ll eventually meet the person who “gets” you?

The answer, unfortunately, is not that simple.

 

To Change or Not to Change?

In my books, my blog, and pretty much all dating advice, change is a constant theme. Yet, so is understanding who we are, deep down. When it comes to change, you need to know when to change and when to honor who you are. However, this isn’t always easy. Let’s go with an example: read more…

Introversion and Dating I: Defining Introversion (or Trying To…)

 

You can’t browse Facebook or the internet without some article about how introverts are different, how misunderstood they are, how to identify them, how to identify yourself as one, and what their needs are. We’ve officially reached introversion saturation, much like we have with articles about narcissism or paleo diets.

I don’t say this to complain or because it’s a bad thing. It’s a natural thing–when something reaches that tipping point and takes off, it means it’s resonating with a lot of people and that its time has come. It’s also a good thing, as the saturation ensures we are slightly more educated about others (and ourselves) than we used to be.

But, as with anything that becomes a mainstream topic, everyone becomes an expert on it. I’ve read more articles on narcissism than I can count, and every one defines it differently and offers different signs of it. Some of the articles even contradict one another. And it’s the same with introversion.

So, to begin what will likely be a series on introversion, I’m going to take a look on how it’s currently being defined. read more…

Confidence and Insecurity, Part 2: Women

 

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Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica is a good “Strong Woman” example. No father, abusive mother, running from her vulnerabilities. I loved her character, by the way…

People who dispense dating advice will often tell you that confidence is sexy, sexier than a good income or a great face, and a key to attracting the other sex. And they’re right. However, it’s more of a challenge to define what confidence is and how to convey it. Sometimes, it’s easier to offer examples of what confidence ISN’T.

Last time, I talked about confidence and why it’s important. In my mind, confidence is believing in yourself. It’s being comfortable in your own skin and making peace with your imperfections and insecurities. I allude to this in Changing Your Game and It’s Not Him It’s YOU. Confidence isn’t something you just “have” or “don’t have” — it’s something you build with experience. This is why older people are more confident in themselves than younger people, and why risk-takers have more confidence than those who avoid risk — they’ve experienced difficulties, faced some of their demons, and have learned that they can handle whatever comes their way. read more…

Christie Hartman, PhD

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