Nice Guys and Girls, Part 2: The Dark Side of Being Nice

imagesLast time I wrote about niceness, and why it seems to backfire with some people. It generated a great discussion on Facebook, which made me think some more about what niceness is and why it can be a problem.

I will begin with this: all good traits have a problematic side, and niceness is no exception.

Let’s take optimism: optimistic people tend to be happier, more successful, and more able to handle the ups and downs of real life. However, too much optimism is a problem when you refuse to see the signs of looming problems or think that all will work out instead of planning for potential disaster.

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An Ode to the Nice Guys and Girls


Ross Geller from Friends, hoping to take Rachel to prom when her jerk boyfriend pulled a No-Show

“Nice guys finish last.”

Who hasn’t heard this dusty old aphorism? It’s been around longer than most of us. These days, the die hard PUAs will tell you without compunction that being a Nice Guy is the Kiss of Death, the painful road to a celibate life or at least a life of achieving only AFC (Average Frustrated Chump) status.

And guys aren’t the only one who get this message. Ever heard of the book Why Men Love Bitches? Yes, there is such a book and yes, it’s a bestseller, peeps. And yes, I’ve read it; It’s just the die hard PUA stuff in reverse.

So, modern wisdom would tell us that women don’t like nice guys and men don’t respect nice girls. And we can call bullshit and laugh at such gamey, cynical crap and expound the awesomeness of good people… and we would be right to do so. Totally right. read more…

Dating Season Begins in January!

tdy_09jworange_140105.vembedmedHappy New Year, everyone! It’s January, and you know what that means: it’s dating season.

Yes, there really is such a thing. January and February are hot months for dating: coaches and matchmakers get more clients, online dating sites see more enrollees, and people in general are more motivated to get out there and find someone.

There could be many reasons for this: New Year’s resolutions, escaping the winter doldrums, impending Valentine’s Day, or just being tired of seeing family over the holidays and having them bug you about finding someone. read more…

10 Date Ideas for the Holidays

imgresI love the holidays. I love the lights, the music, and the eggnog. All of it appeals to my hidden inner Romantic.

I’ve done my share of dating during the holidays as well. Dating during this time of year can be a lot of fun because you already have a built-in atmosphere of romance, love, and family. All you have to do is find someone to share it with. Whether you’re dating online, have your eye on your neighbor or someone at work, or are already seeing someone, there are many ways to make the most of this time of year. Dating is challenging enough, so why not let the holiday spirit create some of the fun and romance for you? Who knows, maybe you’ll get a second date (or much more!) out of it…

Here are 10 holiday date ideas to try:

1. Grab a hot beverage. If you meet someone for a coffee date, suggest getting a hot chocolate, an eggnog latte, or one of those peppermint mochas. Live it up and get the whipped cream on top. Different than the usual fare, and perfect for a cold night. Heck, you can even go to a nice bar and try a Snuggler, which is hot chocolate with peppermint Schnapps. Again, get the whip cream. It’s all about the whipped cream. read more…

Online Dating Tips for Introverts


Anyone else love Mr. Darcy?? A true INTJ, if there ever was one. Photo from the Mashable article.

Online dating can be a different experience for introverts. On the one hand, the “putting yourself out there” and the making small talk with complete strangers can prove taxing to the introvert. On the other, online dating can be achieved from the quiet and comfort of your own home and involves only 1-on-1 communications, both of which favor the introvert. And, in the end, as I’ve said 100 times before, online dating is a useful vehicle to meet other singles you wouldn’t normally meet. Introverted or not, sometimes getting online is the solution.

I’ve been slowly working on my “dating advice for introverts” materials. It includes a separate section for online dating. So when Mashable (Mashable!!) contacted me recently to ask if I’d like to offer up tips for introverts dating online, I gave them tips… probably more than they ever wanted :).

Some of these tips are included in the Mashable article “8 Ways Introverts Can Crush Online Dating.” Interestingly, Susan Cain was also a source for the article. She wrote the bestseller Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. I recently finished it; it’s an excellent book. And I’m a pretty tough critic when it comes to books on human behavior. If you want to understand introversion from every possible angle, all from a scientifically-based standpoint, read this book. Ms. Cain really did her homework.

But for now, read the Mashable article and let me know what you think. And I’ll keep working on those “dating for introverts” materials…



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Other Articles on Introversion 

8 Online Dating Success Stories


Image from the Gizmodo article (click to see article)

We’ve done a lot of talking about online dating here: how it works, how to succeed at it, why it’s tough, and even all the negative aspects of it. We’ve talked about all the various online dating sites and online methods for meeting people: big, well-known dating sites like Match, match-based sites like eHarmony, niche sites that match dog-lovers or Sci-fi nerds, app-based sites like Tinder, or even social media sites like Twitter or Facebook.

Well, it’s the holidays now, which I still maintain is a great time to date. Which means it’s time for a little pre-holiday cheer.

A friend sent me a Gizmodo article entitled “8 Online Dating Stories with Happy Endings.” These stories are interesting because they involve a variety of online settings, from Craigslist (yes, I was surprised too), AOL (seriously!), as well as more conventional dating sites. What’s also interesting about them is that they’re all penned by men. While online dating is tough for both genders, men often experience greater frustration and setbacks with it, so it’s interesting to see men share success stories. Finally, the comment section is also littered with success stories.

Sure, these people may be the exception to the rule or have gotten lucky, which a couple of them acknowledge. But what I find most interesting about the stories is that, in each situation, the two people just clicked. There was no talk of finding the perfect profile or the hottest person or scorching chemistry… it was just two people who “got” each other. And that’s how it should feel if you want to find the right person.

As I’ve always said, online dating is just another way to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet. You never know where you’ll meet that person who “gets” you.




Christie’s Books

Online dating article archive

Christie Hartman, PhD


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