Online Dating: What’s New in the Media

Online dating. Love it or hate it, it’s part of our culture now and a regular discussed topic in the media.

We haven’t talked about this topic in a while, but lately it seems everyone’s interested in it and they all want my opinion. And, of course, I’m always ready to offer my opinion.


Is Online Dating Worth Doing?

Some colleagues and I had a great debate about online dating on Facebook last week. Some in the industry believe it’s a waste of time; others (myself included) think it can be useful IF done in an optimal way. The online dating detractors offered the typical reasons you hear people complain about: people can be deceptive, you don’t know what you’re getting until you meet in person, and the classic cynic’s mantra: “Dating sites don’t want you to find true love because then they’d be out of business.”

Anyone who’s read Changing Your Game, Find The Love of Your Life Online, or any of my blogs knows that online dating has drawbacks. The drawbacks are real – you have to expect them and work around them. And as far as dating sites colluding to keep people single… I could write an entire essay on that argument, but suffice it to say that even the most honest or helpful online dating site will never be out of business because there will always be single people. Dating sites don’t find you love – they give you the opportunity to find it yourself.

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Masculine vs. Feminine, Male vs. Female, Straight vs. Gay…

A colleague of mine sent me a really interesting infographic recently. It illustrates in a very clear way the differences between sex, gender, and sexual orientation. Yes, they’re different… and they’re more complex than many realize. Many people tend to confuse these things or to make untrue assumptions about them.



Sex (i.e. biological sex): Sex refers to what biology gave you in terms of genitalia (penis vs. vagina), reproductive organs (testes vs. ovaries), and chromosomes (XY vs. XX).

Gender identity: This is how you THINK of yourself in terms of gender roles.

Gender expression: This refers to how you demonstrate your gender through how you dress and behave.

Sexual orientation: Refers to who you are attracted to based on their sex/gender.


This infographic is called the Genderbread Person (as opposed to Gingerbread Man, if you didn’t see the connection right away, which I admit I didn’t!), from the social issues awareness website It’s Pronounced Metrosexual. There is another, more developed version of this infographic, a Genderbread Person 2.0, as well, but I preferred to illustrate using the more basic model.

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Why Don’t Single Women Check Men Out?

Hiya Christie.

I have a question that probably another guy has asked before, so excuse me if I’m asking what is probably an old question.

I just can’t find a straight and clear answer to it.

If you can tell me, why don’t single women–who want a man in their lives–look or glance over to men, like we do to them?

Grocery store, eating at a restaurant, walking down the sidewalk… we look or give a glance over, yet women don’t do anything.

Our typical thing is to look back at the woman we just passed, yet they won’t do this.


Thanks, Christie!


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Online Dating, Profession, and Income: How Much to Reveal

Hi Christie,

I’ve got an interesting one for you that you could use for your blog. I understand you must get a lot of these but I hope you find it interesting as well.

The main part of my job is being a professional gambler on sporting events. I should probably emphasise that gambling on sports is far more accepted within British culture and you could place a bet on every high street in the UK. Now I haven’t included this info in my profile and the reasons are twofold:

Firstly, I make a good living out of gambling and I have had interest from women in the past because they assume I make a lot of money. Now I dare not tarnish all women with the same brush but as a general rule a large income makes me more attractive and more importantly, attracts the exact sort of woman that I would not like to be around.

Lastly, would it be worthwhile to save for a first date as a way of surprising someone because I seem so straight-laced otherwise?

It’s hard to know whether any of this actually matters but I’m struggling to work out whether the positives of having an interesting job on my profile possibly outweigh the potential downsides I mention above. read more…

She Friend-Zoned Me… Now What?

Dear Christie,

I am writing you this letter after reading Changing Your Game, because I am in need of some serious advice in regards to this woman that I really like. About three months ago, I met a woman and we have been talking and hanging out quite frequently during this time. She is someone that I am serious about and would consider potentially marrying if we were to begin dating, because I see that her values, beliefs, and some of her other traits are in line with what I am looking for in a wife. However, I realized that I messed up in a couple of ways.

On my first date with this girl, I had the opportunity to kiss her at the end of the date but didn’t due to the fact that I knew that she was a little buzzed and wasn’t using her sound judgment. Over the past month, I’ve also made the mistake of expressing my feelings for her verbally a couple of times. This has resulted in her rejecting me as her boyfriend. However, she has said that, “I would appreciate it if we could continue hanging out as we have been while remaining good friends, because a person never knows if they will grow feelings for someone later on.” She also has stated to me that in all of her previous relationships that she had gotten to know her previous boyfriends for about six months before dating them. read more…

Guys: Is Your Online Dating Profile Sending the Wrong Message?

It isn’t easy to write an online dating profile. I remember what it was like, wondering what would sound interesting vs. dull, what reflected me best, and what would attract the kind of men I was looking for. It’s easy for people to become obsessive about it, wondering how every line will be perceived by the other sex; it’s also easy to become lazy about it, thinking that it doesn’t matter what you write as long as your pic and stats are good.

As I discuss in Changing Your Game, writing a good online dating profile can be especially challenging for men. Why? When dating online, men focus most on pictures – if a man likes a woman’s pic, she’s usually a contender. There are problems with this method, but that’s another article. Women, on the other hand, care about pictures but don’t put as much stock in them. They’re rarely enough to generate interest in a woman. Thus, women will read your profile and attempt to glean a bit about what sort of person you are, hoping something there interests her (or at least doesn’t scare her away). There are problems with this method as well, but, again, that’s for another article. The point is that what a man writes in those paragraphs matters if he wants to get responses and dates online.

While you don’t need to be a novelist, copywriter, or comedian to write a good profile and attract women, it helps a lot to avoid saying things that can be taken the wrong way. read more…

Christie Hartman, PhD


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