She Friend-Zoned Me… Now What?

Dear Christie,

I am writing you this letter after reading Changing Your Game, because I am in need of some serious advice in regards to this woman that I really like. About three months ago, I met a woman and we have been talking and hanging out quite frequently during this time. She is someone that I am serious about and would consider potentially marrying if we were to begin dating, because I see that her values, beliefs, and some of her other traits are in line with what I am looking for in a wife. However, I realized that I messed up in a couple of ways.

On my first date with this girl, I had the opportunity to kiss her at the end of the date but didn’t due to the fact that I knew that she was a little buzzed and wasn’t using her sound judgment. Over the past month, I’ve also made the mistake of expressing my feelings for her verbally a couple of times. This has resulted in her rejecting me as her boyfriend. However, she has said that, “I would appreciate it if we could continue hanging out as we have been while remaining good friends, because a person never knows if they will grow feelings for someone later on.” She also has stated to me that in all of her previous relationships that she had gotten to know her previous boyfriends for about six months before dating them. read more…

Guys: Is Your Online Dating Profile Sending the Wrong Message?

It isn’t easy to write an online dating profile. I remember what it was like, wondering what would sound interesting vs. dull, what reflected me best, and what would attract the kind of men I was looking for. It’s easy for people to become obsessive about it, wondering how every line will be perceived by the other sex; it’s also easy to become lazy about it, thinking that it doesn’t matter what you write as long as your pic and stats are good.

As I discuss in Changing Your Game, writing a good online dating profile can be especially challenging for men. Why? When dating online, men focus most on pictures – if a man likes a woman’s pic, she’s usually a contender. There are problems with this method, but that’s another article. Women, on the other hand, care about pictures but don’t put as much stock in them. They’re rarely enough to generate interest in a woman. Thus, women will read your profile and attempt to glean a bit about what sort of person you are, hoping something there interests her (or at least doesn’t scare her away). There are problems with this method as well, but, again, that’s for another article. The point is that what a man writes in those paragraphs matters if he wants to get responses and dates online.

While you don’t need to be a novelist, copywriter, or comedian to write a good profile and attract women, it helps a lot to avoid saying things that can be taken the wrong way. read more…

Rejection in Dating: Saying Goodbye to a Good Person

Rejection. Breakups. Parting of ways. This is the tough part, the down side of dating and relationships. Anytime you meet someone new, they could wind up being the love of your life, or they could wind up someone you spend a limited amount of time with, whether 1 date or many years. Yes, my friends, rejection is an unavoidable part of dating that everyone must face.

I’ve written my share of articles on rejection, including a piece for the fantastic men-centered website The Good Men Project, entitled “Why Does Rejection Suck So Much?”, and a rejection series I wrote here, including dealing with repeated rejection, a very challenging situation to face.

But I’m not going to talk about being rejected today. I’m going to talk about when you’re the one doing the rejecting.

Everyone talks about being rejected – how much it hurts, why it happens, and how to avoid it. The pain and suffering that being rejected inflicts upon us is obvious. We know it hurts. But people rarely talk about the difficulty of rejecting others. And I think that’s a big problem.

 

No Sympathy for the Rejecter

Often, people have little sympathy for someone who rejects a date or ends a long term relationship. Because we all know how much it hurts to be rejected, we may automatically empathize with the rejected one. Rejection can make you feel inadequate as a person and it can make you feel powerless. In some cases, people blame the rejecter for these feelings, assuming (falsely) that they caused them. We assume the rejecter has the power, and if you have the power, you don’t deserve sympathy. read more…

Are all Pickup Artists Bad? Part 2…

So most of you saw my recent article entitled “Are all PUAs (Pickup Artists) Bad?” Inspiration for the article stemmed from an event that made news – a PUA (Ken Hoinsky) raised quite a bit of money on Kickstarter, but his (rather lengthy) materials included a few statements that were controversial in nature. It created a stink that had everyone talking, from the PUA community to mainstream media.

My article generated some comments from several members of the PUA community, and brought up several worthwhile points, including:

  • The PUA community is much larger and more diverse than many people realize
  • The PUA community has members that do a lot of good, in addition to those who don’t
  • The community is about as heterogeneous as the dating advice community in general
  • The media (and the internet in general) prefers the shocking over the healthy or reasonable, so the bad ones get the press
  • Ken Hoinsky’s stuff, barring a couple of sex-related points, had some solid, good advice in it

Many members of the community came out to defend it, feeling unfairly vilified by the harmful actions of other PUAs. read more…

Are PUAs (Pick-Up Artists) all Bad?

 

What comes to mind when you hear the words “Pickup Artist”?

Do you think of a 20-something male scouring bars at night, dressed in attention-getting clothes and dispensing pickup strategies that are unconventional at best? Or, do you think of a douchey guy who trolls about looking for girls to fuck so he can brag about it to his cronies on some misogynistic PUA forum? Or, perhaps you think of a guy who enjoys meeting women and has developed a few techniques to attract them and succeed with them…

So which of these Pickup Artist examples is actually correct? Answer: they all are. PUAs are a heterogeneous group of (mostly) men, some of whom are great guys who like women and want to teach other men how to meet them, and others who don’t know the difference between being a confident leader and promoting misogyny and sexual assault. Unfortunately, it’s the bad ones that get all the press. read more…

Dating and Finding Your Kind of People

A couple of weekends ago I was an exhibitor at Denver Comic Con, where we sold some science fiction we’ve been working on. It was my first Comic Con, and I had a GREAT time – cool people, great costumes, the best T-shirts I’ve ever seen, a George Takei sighting… anyway, many people asked me why I don’t peddle my books and dating advice at Cons, where many believe I would clean up in terms of interest and sales. I had my doubts… until I looked at the schedule and saw something totally unexpected:

Comic Con Speed Dating!

Yes, multiple sessions of speed dating were scheduled at the Con. Apparently, the demand was so great that the organizers added several more sessions on Saturday and Sunday! So, naturally, I had to investigate. My friend Nick and I went down and found the guys who organize the speed dating; the main guy was busy, but I spoke to his co-organizer and his dad. They do this for many different cons, and it seems they’ve generated a ton of relationships and marriages!

They let me peek during one of the sessions: the room was filled with people talking animatedly, many dressed in their superhero and gaming costumes, smiles on their faces. There was joy in the air. And I thought to myself: these guys are on to something here.

So what’s my point? read more…

Christie Hartman, PhD

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