Struggles in Dating: Complaining vs. Identifying a Problem

Happy Monday, all! Hope you all had a great start to your New Year.

It’s been some time since I’ve posted an article here. To a great extent, the lag time between posts will continue to be this long. I am putting my efforts into some new endeavors, including my fiction writing and new blog that will focus on film and books (particularly science fiction). Of course, if this interests you, join in! Otherwise, I am still active on Twitter and will periodically distribute information here if I think you can benefit from it.

But on to my topic. Anyone who’s ever dated knows that it comes with challenges and difficulties. We’ve all dealt with rejection, being blown off, people who don’t follow the same dating rules we do, misunderstandings about the other sex, etc. It can be tough. I know; I’ve been there.

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Online Dating: Can Shyness on a First Date Scare Men Away?

Dear Christie,
I’ve been reading your books (and have many other dating advice in the last few years) but there’s one thing I don’t seem to find anyone mentioning.

With online dating, the first date is the first time both sides meet. The advice says that if he sends that “Nice to meet you but…” text afterwards, move on. I’ve been happy and confident with myself to do that in the past.

But two weekends ago, I had another first date and not only did I really like this guy, but two things happened. First, I was so taken aback inside myself at how much I liked him that I got very shy and couldn’t flirt (and all the usual good stuff). Second, perhaps more so as a female, I am careful (cautious?) on first dates. If I feel I like the guy, then the second date is where I can let my side of the chemistry spark and show my attraction.

So what happens when the female needs that second date to safely show her attraction , but he has eliminated the chance with his immediate decision. I’m re-reading your book, “Its Not Him, It’s YOU” book this week, and I find myself searching for this question, but everyone always skims over it.

Would love to hear your thoughts.


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Star Wars Characters Take the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator


I haven’t done a nerdy post in a long time. I miss it. So when I came across this chart that uses Star Wars characters to illustrate Myers-Briggs personality types, I could not resist.


What is Myers-Briggs?

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a well known personality test. By “well known,” I mean that the average person has heard of the MBTI and may even know their type. Personality inventories allow us to understand ourselves – and others – better. When we see that different types respond to life in different ways, we learn to understand and accept, rather than criticize and judge. As you can imagine, this is really important when it comes to relationships.

The MBTI has four dimensions:

Extroversion (E) vs. Introversion (I): Are you, respectively, more external (E) or internal (I)?

Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N): Do you gather information through your senses (S) or your Intuition (N)?

Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F): Do you make your decisions based on what makes the most logical sense (T) or what’s best for everyone involved (F)?

Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P): Do you prefer things set and planned (J) or to “see what happens” and “play it by ear” (P)?

Collectively, this creates 16 different personality types.

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Why Do Breakups Happen During the Holidays?

Happy Monday, everyone. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. Myself, I spent time with family, did some holiday shopping (on Black Friday and Small Business Saturday, but NOT Thanksgiving – don’t even get me started on that)…. and spent the rest of the weekend working on the last act of my novel. Can’t complain.

My apologies for the long lapses between blogs recently. I’ve been busier than usual trying to catch up from a pretty serious financial setback that occurred last year. I’ve also been rethinking how I want to approach this blog. I’m thinking about broadening the scope of it a bit. I’ll let you know what I come up with.

Anyhow, I was contacted by a reporter doing a story for the New York Post on a timely topic: holiday breakups. A couple of years ago, some studies revealed that the holidays (or, more accurately, the period just before the holidays) are a peak time for breakups.

For example, examine the image below, which I picked up from David McCandless’s site Information Is Beautiful. McCandless specializes in taking data and putting it into elegant visual form, which he eventually transformed into a book . Which, as a visual learner who lives for maps and graphs, I very much appreciate. The data for this graph come from Facebook status updates. read more…

Christie Hartman’s Dating Advice: Most Popular Blog Articles

I’ve been running this blog for some years now. Some of you have been around as long as this blog has, whereas many of you are newer. It’s been fun to watch the blog following grow, to see which articles rank highly in Google (not always the ones you’d expect!), and, of course, to see which articles will strike a chord with readers. Even a psychologist like myself can’t often predict how people will react to a particular article, and that’s half of what makes it so FUN…

There are articles I wrote years ago that I completely forgot about, and some that are even older but still get comments. There are some that get few to no comments, and others that get tons. So, for fun, I thought I’d write up a partial list of this blog’s most popular articles.

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Pew Reveals Latest Study Results on Online Dating and Relationships

Last week, Pew Research Center rolled out the results of its latest online dating study, entitled Online Dating and Relationships. This study follows up a 2005 study Pew did on the internet’s impact on dating and relationships.

Although we’ve discussed several different studies and infographics on online dating, many of those – while interesting – are somewhat biased due to their sampling methods. For example, OkCupid or Match can do a study based on their user data, but such a sample is a sample of convenience and does not necessarily represent the average American (or the average online dater). As such, their results are interesting but not necessarily up to scientific snuff. Pew’s sampling methods (based on a cross section of Americans) are a bit more rigorous, so their numbers are worth paying attention to. Here are some stats from Pew’s study:



  • 11% of American adults—and 38% of those who are currently “single and looking” for a partner—have used online dating sites or mobile dating apps
  • 22% of 25-34 year olds and 17% of 35-44 year olds are online daters.
  • 66% of online daters have gone on a date with someone they met through a dating site or app (vs. 43% in 2005), and 23% of online daters say they met a spouse or long term relationship through these sites (17% in 2005).

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Christie Hartman, PhD


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