Go slow.

If you have kids at home, go slower.

A divorce is a traumatic event, even if there’s not a big legal fight. Two years is about right for recovery. Women tend not to date much during that time; men will jump into dating before the ink’s dry, hoping to distract themselves from themselves with a woman, and prove that they’re still men. This is why it’s inadvisable to date a recently-divorced guy, unless you’re part therapist. He thinks he’s over it; he’s not.

If you haven’t dated since you were a kid, and you’re middle aged, take a long, long look around first. Don’t just jump in. There are predators and golddiggers and crazy people and STDs, and you have more to lose now than you did at 17. Date slowly. Do research on your dates before you meet them: it’s not creepy, it’s self-preserving. Look up their criminal records (really). Don’t meet guys who push hard for dates fast. I just turned down one guy who did; he’s a PhD, very nice job, looks all right, profile says single, but the way he jumped to “let’s meet” I thought something was off. It was. He was still mid-divorce; he and his wife were deep in the hole, having spent wildly on McMansions; he had a history of quick divorce and remarriage. When I told him what I’d found and said he didn’t seem my type, and suggested he slow down, he went into rabid attack mode and threatened to have me arrested, told me not to contact him “or anyone else he knew” and then kept sending me threatening notes. Good thing I didn’t go on that date.

Spend time getting to know yourself. Take that first year or so to know yourself as your own person. You’ve never been that before, maybe. Find out who you are and what you really want before you start dating again. Embrace the friendship of women. As part of a couple, you probably had lots of girlfriends, but your primary partner was a man. Get to know women better; they’ll sustain you.

Understand that 45-year-old men are not 20-year-old men. They have different insecurities and want different things from you. And, believe me, they do want things from you. Go slow, have coffee, find out what they are. Don’t feel pressured to jump into bed — they have something to prove to themselves, you know — and if you do go to bed, make them use condoms, even though you hate them too. The rate of STDs among single middle-aged people is quite high, and some of them are still very dangerous. No date is worth AIDS, which is still out there, and still a lifelong disease.

Prepare to be hurt. Some of these men will treat you badly. They won’t call, or they’ll bully you, or lie. If you’re fat or look like someone’s mom, they may well leave you on the shelf, not respond to your messages, or otherwise do their best to make you feel inadequate. Don’t. Understand that you are not 17. You are a grown woman, with many accomplishments and much wisdom about life, and you’re a survivor. You’re also capable of seeing through tremendous volumes of bullshit, and a lot of men won’t want that. They want a 25-year-old dream chickie who looks like the mudflap silhouette and will tell them they’re wonderful. Thank these men for saving you the trouble of weeding them out, because they’re awful.

Some men will assume you are desperate. Politely show them the door.

Overall? Relax. And enjoy your life, and keep your eyes peeled. Good luck.

Devi

I have messed around with online dating and have had success with women being interested in me. But, none of these women were aware I am a virgin. I usually end the communication with them or sabotage it by pushing them away before anything can develop. Online, I seem to attract a lot of divorced women with kids (it seems 90% of people online are divorced) and I would rather meet someone never married with no kids like me.

This issue weighs heavily on my mind daily, and frankly, leads to depression and anxiety issues. I am at a loss anymore…ugh.

Getting married or finding a significant other just wasn’t high on my priority list.

Now that I’m 51 I desperately want a lifetime companion but I lack the social skills and confidence to find somebody. I haven’t had much luck meeting anyone using on-line dating websites (i.e. match.com, fitness singles, etc.) or the conventional way (in person). I’ve tried meetup.com events as well but so far no go.

I’m about ready to throw in the towel and just get used to living by myself. It’s really too much of a headache and hassle to meet someone. I started looking for a commited relationshop much too late so now I’m paying the price. My bad I guess.

Great post my friend (sahring again on FB and Google)

“Have you recovered from your FAILED MARRIAGE(s) yet?

People get judgmental about never-married people, as if they are defective somehow. Yet someone who is the same age and divorced ( or in an unhappy marriage ) is also “defective” in that they lacked something needing to make a marriage work. It is just that divorcees are so common, now, that nobody feels ashamed about being divorced. I don’t think they should, they should just extend the same benefit of the doubt to people who have never been married. Maybe we are single because we were busy doing cool stuff with our lives and/or we had the good judgement other people lacked to avoid marriages that would have failed.

End of rant