Christie Hartman’s Blog

I just got back from this year’s Author 101 University, hosted by Rick Frishman (http://www.author101university.com/). If you are a budding author or a published author looking to sell more books or expand into other areas such as speaking, this is a good place to go. There are numerous speakers covering a huge variety of topics: getting published, publicizing your books, the importance of social media, internet marketing, corporate partnerships, money and economic issues, networking and building relationships, you name it. You’ll learn the current state of the business and how to succeed in it.

If you’ve never been to a seminar like this before, you may be surprised to find that the speakers come to teach you something, but also to pitch their products and services to you. This surprises many people, but it’s a good thing for two reasons: 1) it keeps the price of the seminar cheap and 2) it offers services that you may wind up needing, and it’s better to buy from someone you’ve met in person. Overall, I found the seminar very educational and worth the price.

If you consider going to this or something like this in the future, be prepared. The days are very long and you will get overloaded. Try to avoid writing everything down and focus on what really speaks to you. Bring water and snacks, as things tend to run late. And make sure you talk to a lot of people - it makes it more fun and you may meet future business partners.

So the TV producer who tried to blackmail Letterman about his affairs admitted to it publicly, presumably as a plea-bargain to prevent a worse sentence. He read his girlfriend’s diary, found out she was screwing around with Letterman, and turned into a jealous, blackmailing dumbass. To counteract this, Letterman admitted to sleeping with many women who worked for him.

The interesting part about all of this is that everyone seems to be on Letterman’s side. From a legal standpoint, they should be - Jealous Dumbass committed a serious crime by trying to extort money out of Letterman, and he proved to everyone that he can’t man up and see the truth: that he might want to reconsider the company he keeps. That kind of jealousy only comes from people with really low self-esteem.

But from a moral standpoint, doesn’t anyone care that Letterman had affairs with so many he worked with? He was cheating on his partner and sleeping with people who worked for him - how much sleazier can you get? At least Tiger Woods’ affairs weren’t with his employees. Apparently Letterman’s honest admission did the trick - his show hasn’t lost fans due to this incident. “He’s only human,” people say. Perhaps this turn of events shows us that people hate dishonesty more than they hate bad behavior such as cheating and sleeping with subordinates. It’s as if you are better off admitting what kind of person you are, no matter how imperfect, than trying to pass yourself off as someone else.

Producer admits to attempted Letterman shakedown - Yahoo News.

Let’s apply this to dating for a moment. In It’s Not Him, It’s You, I talk a bit about deception in online dating. In their profiles, many people don’t present who they really are, but what they think others will like. And what happens? Their dates get pissed off when they find out the truth. We hate deceptive people - because they lie to us, but also because they lie to themselves, and that engenders our lack of respect.

This Letterman incident also shows that people hate blackmail and other forms of coercion more than they hate sexual stupidity. This dude made himself look like a bigger jerk than Letterman did, and that’s in Letterman’s favor.

Go grab the April 2010 issue of Cosmo and turn to page 122. You’ll see Mina Azodi’s great article entitled “Be the Girl Every Guy Wants to Talk To,” which I am quoted in. The thrust of the article? Throw away the idea that you should be polite, clam up, and let men do the talking. How can he get interested in you if he doesn’t know what makes you unique?

Last weekend, I was at a writers conference having lunch with a great guy named Brian. Brian knows I write dating and relationship books (www.christiehartman.com), and so I asked him a question I often ask men: what is one thing women do, when you meet them or first start dating them, that really bothers you? For Brian, it was when a woman doesn’t express her preferences or opinions, and makes the date all about him.

The take-home message? Men want you to share who you are - it takes the pressure off him and gives him a good idea of who you are. This doesn’t mean you should blather on about yourself; just be sure to share the conversation, express opinions about things that matter to you, and show a man that you have a mind of your own.

I called it, did I not? She got it, and how great is that? If the director for Precious would have won, he would have been the first African American to win an Oscar for Best Director. The movie business is changing, and that’s a good thing.

And The Hurt Locker got Best Picture over Avatar. Avatar got what many bet it would - awards for visual effects and those things that made it stand out above everything else. Star Trek won for makeup - well-deserved too, as anyone who’s watched Star Trek over the years (as I have) knows how much skill goes into making humans look Vulcan, Klingon, etc. Overall, it’s good to see sci-fi movies even get nominated for an Oscar. I LOVE sci-fi and wish more there was more GOOD sci-fi out there.

On the news, someone reported that scientists have shown evidence that sense of direction, and particularly a poor sense of direction and propensity to get lost, has a genetic component. This isn’t too hard to believe - some people seem to know which way is north no matter what dark tunnel they’re in, whereas other people, including very bright people, get lost easily.

As someone who was trained in behavioral genetics, I know something about the genetic aspects of behavior. The truth is, most behavioral traits and human abilities (and disabilities) have some genetic component to them. This is true for shyness, math ability, how fast you can run, and most everything else. However, this does NOT mean you cannot change or improve your abilities, or that the one’s environment doesn’t matter - on the contrary. Environment plays a big role in our behavior. But we all have certain tendencies, some better, some worse, and it’s up to us to make the most of the good ones and do our best to improve those that aren’t so great.

So I was staying in a hotel, getting ready to go to sleep, and flipping channels like crazy. Turns out this hotel had something I do not: Showtime. I stumbled upon Secret Diary of a Call Girl (http://www.sho.com/site/secretdiary/home.do). It’s got the slick fashion sense and sexual raciness of Sex and the City, but it’s British. AND it’s about a woman who makes a damned good living having sex with men, and who tries to have a relationship with a guy who doesn’t care about the fact that she’s been with a LOT of men (over a 1000, which she told him). Did I not mention it was racy?

Why don’t I have Showtime?

Anyone watch The Marriage Ref the other night? If you’ve never seen it, a host and a few celebrities listen to a real married couple’s problem and then vote on who’s at fault. This time it was husband complaining about wife flossing in bed. The panel included Jerry Seinfeld, Tina Fey, and Eva Longoria, and all 3 took the husband’s side on this one.

Uh, yeah. There is such a thing as getting too comfortable. Flossing is kind of icky and should be done in the bathroom. If it grosses your partner out, don’t do it in front of them. And bedroom should be a sanctuary for a couple, not a place to take care of personal hygiene.

Overall, regardless of your beliefs about things, here’s a good rule of thumb in long-term relationships and marriage: don’t make your own bad habits more important than your spouse’s feelings. If something bothers your partner or grosses them out, STOP DOING IT.

I haven’t watched the Oscars in years, but I admit I’m going to this year. I’m curious to see how a movie like top-grossing-of-all-time Avatar will do - it’s cutting edge and great in some ways, but less so in others. I’m also curious to see who wins Best Director - it’s very likely a woman could win for the first time EVER, and she’s up against ex-hubby James Cameron (for Avatar, no less). And of course, there’s Best Picture - it’s always interesting to see the battle between the low-budget critics’ faves (e.g. The Hurt Locker) and the popular big blockbusters (Avatar). And this year the Academy has changed a few things for 2010. The Best Picture category now has 10 possible movies, which provides recognition for more good films. And, and they’ve changed how they tally the votes. I’ll spare you the complexities: in summary, typically each voter simply picks their one winner for each category. This year, for the Best Picture category only, the Top 10 movies are ranked by each voter. This way, a movie can win Best Picture even though it wasn’t the favorite for the majority of voters. This could make Avatar the Best Picture winner.

My predictions:

Best Picture: Avatar. It will pick up a few special effects or related awards, but not actor or director.

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker.

Come back tomorrow for my Post-award take…

NPR news talked about the factors that predict divorce, or the prevention of it. These data are relatively new (i.e. after 2000). Here are a few of the factors that keep people together:

1) Being similar

2) Having at least a Bachelor’s degree

3) To last more than 10 years, having a child together

4) Having parents who stayed married (especially for women)

These make sense. Similarity creates compatibility. The “opposites attract” idea is romantic hooey and the data have never supported it. Education might mean having financial resources (poverty predicts many problems beyond divorce), and also having more access to resources if the marriage is on the rocks. The kid thing is easy - many will stay together for the kids, at least until they’re older. And, finally, it’s true - divorce begets divorce. The reasons for this are manifold - the propensity to divorce is learned, but there are other underlying processes that contribute as well.

Yet another season of The Bachelor has concluded - Jake made the controversial choice of bold Vienna over sweet, old-fashioned Tenley. Jake’s family liked Tenley completely, and were (at least initially) turned off by Vienna. But Jake continued to do what he’s done all along, which is trust his heart and pick the girl he wanted, regardless of others’ opinions. Will they turn out to be right in the long run? Time will tell.

When Jake told Tenley, both at the final rose ceremony and after the final rose, that he cared very much for her but something wasn’t right, she questioned him. Some people do not seem to realize that there is NO POINT in questioning someone else’s feelings about who they want to be with. Asking a man why he chose some other girl over you is like asking him why he likes the color blue over the color green. It’s something you just feel, and could be based on many things you have little control over. Sure, Jake cared for Tenley, a lot - but he didn’t feel the chemistry like he ought, and didn’t feel quite right with her. End of story.

It’s on to the next season of The Bachelorette, which airs in May.