Man Speak: What Does it Mean When a Man Says He’s Busy?
February 1, 2012 By Christie Hartman 3 Comments
Hello Dr. Hartman! I am new to dating again and have recently joined an online dating site. I've been on quite a few first dates without spark, but last week (Monday) had a great date with a guy who I think felt the same way. We chatted all night, closed the restaurant we were in, ended up somewhere else for another drink, etc. He walked me to my car at the end of the night and basically closed with the fact that the next 10 days would be hectic (he's in law school, moving to a new apartment and started an internship in one week), smooched goodnight and left. He texted me on Tuesday and said he 'had a great time, alot of fun and laughs. Enjoyed chatting and laughing with you'. I responded the same and that I hoped we could get together again soon. A few days later I texted him good luck with the move and he responded that I was sweet. I know he mentioned his busy schedule for this past week but that was the last he reached out to me. I am hoping I didn't come across too interested. Any thoughts? Confused Dear Confused, Thank you for writing in. This is a great scenario to examine and dissect a bit, because it happens ALL the time. As I read your email, I was reminded of the scene in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," where Ginnifer Goodwin's Single Gal character is being advised by Justin Long's character. She's on a date with a guy and things are going really well, and then her date says he's going to be out of touch for a bit because he's … [Read More...]
Does “Friends with Benefits” Work?
January 30, 2012 By Christie Hartman 2 Comments
So the other night I had a pretty bad case of insomnia, and was up until 4am. (I should know better than to drink any caffeine at night). I was tired of working, so I began perusing the Netflix menu and came across the movie "No Strings Attached," the one with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman, not to be confused with the very similar "Friends with Benefits" that came out around the same time. I'll save that one for my next bout of insomnia. But the reason these movies were made is because a lot of people are exploring Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationships. These days, people go through times where they want sex without the involvement of a relationship. And, let's face it, it's much easier and less risky to attempt this with someone you know. But, the question is, does FWB work, or does it end up screwing things up? It works in the movie. The two characters meet when they're younger, then run into each other a couple of times, then get involved for sex only. Predictably, they wind up together, as with most romantic comedies. Research on FWB relationships among young people showed that they don't work all that well. The study found sex differences, where guys seemed comfortable keeping the FWB situation as it was, but women tended to want to advance to a real relationship or revert back to friendship. I've found this to be true, and that FWB doesn't work. It is my belief that FWB doesn't work for many reasons, most important being that it's a "dual relationship" … [Read More...]
Should I Give My Divorced Man Another Chance?
January 24, 2012 By Christie Hartman 1 Comment
Dear Christie, Back in Feb 2010, I met Scott. He was going through a divorce, but it seemed like it was moving in the right direction and he and I really hit it off. So things went well for a few months, until things changed. He started wigging out about the divorce and was stressed out all the time about trying to sell their business and all this other stuff. He started to withdraw. Long story short, after many more months of weirdness, we got into a big argument and broke up. During most of 2011, we stayed friends and kept in touch, but he was still having a hard time dealing with everything, even after his divorce became final. Sometimes he'd talk about how much he cared for me and missed me, but then he'd disappear for a while. Last December, he contacted me to tell me some news. He and his ex sold the business and cleaned up a bunch of loose ends. He seemed happy, and he's started saying he was missing me and wanted to get together once he got back in town. So my question to you is, should I try it again with him? My friends are all down on that. They think he had his chance and put me through too much with all the divorce problems, and that nothing will change. But he said from the beginning he wouldn't be fully available until his divorce was done and the business dealt with and everything was taken care of. I think there's potential here, but I want to be with someone where there's a future and don't want to waste any more time. Donna Dear Donna, It's … [Read More...]
Handling Rejection from Women: Part One
January 16, 2012 By Christie Hartman 3 Comments
I’ve said this before, to men and to women: rejection sucks. It doesn’t feel good and no one likes it. But it’s an unavoidable part of dating. And, if you have the right attitude, rejection can teach you a LOT. Woman Speak In Part One of a series of articles on the crucial topic of rejection, I want to cover Woman Speak. As I discuss in Changing Your Game, Woman Speak includes things women say to convey what they want, but may come off ambiguous or confusing if you haven’t yet learned to decode Woman Speak. For example, you’re interested in a woman and ask her out, and she says one of the following: “I’m kind of seeing someone…” “I’m pretty busy right now and don’t have much time to date…” “I’m just getting out of a relationship…” “I’m not sure I know you well enough…” Many men find these statements baffling. However, they all mean the same thing – she isn’t interested enough. When you ask a woman out, regardless of your mode of communication, you should get a clear yes to your request. If she hems and haws or makes excuses, she is using Woman Speak to convey that she isn’t interested (or she isn’t sure yet). Either way, let it go. “Why don’t women just tell the truth?” Some self-proclaimed “honesty addicts” will insist they want the blunt truth and wonder why women don’t deliver it. There’s a very good reason why: to tell a man who has just … [Read More...]
How to Approach Women… without Annoying Them
January 3, 2012 By Christie Hartman 5 Comments
Let’s face it: when you’re a guy, approaching a woman can be pretty tough, even kind of terrifying. You have no idea if she’s going to like you, tell you to bugger off, or just look at you like you’re an annoyance who’s interrupting her time alone. Yet, if you don’t learn to approach women, you narrow your possibilities for female interaction significantly. After all, women rarely approach men. Yes, as a guy, you’re the pursuer, not the pursued. And while that comes with a lot of pressure, it also comes with a lot of power. After all, you choose who to approach, and who to ignore. Ideally, you approach women who show signs of receptivity. In Changing Your Game, I discuss how to read women and detect the signs that an approach is okay. Eye contact and smiling are two big ones. However, there are times when signs aren’t present, and you need to make a cold approach. The Receptivity Test So how do you approach a woman who’s sitting alone at a coffee shop, or shopping for cereal at the grocery store, without pissing her off, scaring her, or feeling like an idiot? You employ the Receptivity Test. The Receptivity Test is a quick question or comment you make, followed by a read of her reaction. You toss out a brief comment, question, or compliment to a woman. Then, observe her reaction. Examples of Receptivity Test comments include: “How are you?” (Simple but effective if you meet eyes in an elevator or in line somewhere) “Isn’t The … [Read More...]
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