I managed to sit through a portion of The Marriage Ref again. It’s amazing that celebrities have become the new experts, but that’s a separate blog for another day. Anyway, this time it was a couple where the wife uses sex to manipulate her husband into cleaning up. He’s messy, she’s tired of the mess, and if he cleans, he gets laid. The mess seemed to be confined to the basement – if that’s his domain (many men use basements as their personal space), let it be messy. If the mess is everywhere, she shouldn’t need to bribe him – he should step it up.

The more interesting one was the couple holding on to relics of their past. He kept an old couch from his former marriage; she kept an urn of ashes and a prosthetic leg from her deceased former husband. These two were pathetic – each kept something from the past not because it was necessary but because they simply didn’t want to give in to the other one. And each justified their childish stubbornness as if somehow their situation was unique and special. People, let go of the past. He can ditch the (ugly-ass) couch he boned his ex-wife on, and she can get rid of the daily reminder of her deceased ex by offering the ashes and leg to his family.

Who are you married to? Your ex? An ugly piece of furniture? Or to your spouse, who you’ve built a life with?

Corey Haim’s death at the age of 38 adds him to a long list of celebs who have died before their time and whose deaths somehow involved drugs. Consider Michael Jackson, Brittany Murphy, Heath Ledger, and so many others. So the question is, is there something about celebrity and entertainment that is conducive to drug abuse, or are those prone to abuse drugs more likely to wind up in show biz? The answer is: both.

Corey Haim prolonged tragic Hollywood tradition – Yahoo News.

As Dr. Drew of Celebrity Rehab fame put it, the business does attract drug abusers. There aren’t a lot of occupations where users can get away with their behavior and lifestyle, and entertainment is an exception. Those who abuse drugs of any kind, including alcohol, often come from difficult pasts and may seek fame, recognition, acceptance.

But what many don’t realize is that the celeb lifestyle does encourage drug abuse. Those who use hard drugs have access to them, find others who use, and this reinforces their lifestyle. And others who aren’t hard drug users resort to over-the-counter or prescription meds to deal with the pressures of the lifestyle. When a celeb dies, how many times have you heard that they were taking sleep aids, painkillers, or benzos (drugs that calm you, like Valium)?

Sleep aids, painkillers, and benzos are designed to be taken in acute situations: after injury, after surgery, or during very rough or difficult periods. Most are addictive and not designed to be taken for long periods of time or for chronic problems. Why are so many celebs taking these pills, especially when they are so young? Because, somehow, they are under too much stress. We like to think that celebrities have easy lives because they have so much fame and money. But the reality is that they don’t, for reasons most of us don’t understand.

Drug abuse, regardless of the drug, is serious and life threatening. If you make this a part of your lifestyle in any way, you will eventually meet an untimely demise like many celebs have. You have to get treated and get a support program. And the moment you begin to use sleep aids, painkillers, and downers as a part of your life, it’s time to take a hard look at your life and make some changes. Very few people need these drugs as a regular part of their lives.

I am a drug abuse researcher. I see what drugs do to people, to families. They will fuck your life up in ways you can’t possibly understand. In our studies, we will interview teenagers who use various drugs. They’re often dependent on at least one of them, they get into trouble a lot, they don’t finish school, they get pregnant before they’re ready. And they come from horrible backgrounds – their parents use drugs or are in prison, they’re poor and have little access to help, and many have been physically or sexually abused. And, if they don’t get treated, they will continue the cycle of disease with their own kids.

If you have a drug problem of any kind, get treated. Your life is worth something to a lot of people.

I just got back from this year’s Author 101 University, hosted by Rick Frishman (http://www.author101university.com/). If you are a budding author or a published author looking to sell more books or expand into other areas such as speaking, this is a good place to go. There are numerous speakers covering a huge variety of topics: getting published, publicizing your books, the importance of social media, internet marketing, corporate partnerships, money and economic issues, networking and building relationships, you name it. You’ll learn the current state of the business and how to succeed in it.

If you’ve never been to a seminar like this before, you may be surprised to find that the speakers come to teach you something, but also to pitch their products and services to you. This surprises many people, but it’s a good thing for two reasons: 1) it keeps the price of the seminar cheap and 2) it offers services that you may wind up needing, and it’s better to buy from someone you’ve met in person. Overall, I found the seminar very educational and worth the price.

If you consider going to this or something like this in the future, be prepared. The days are very long and you will get overloaded. Try to avoid writing everything down and focus on what really speaks to you. Bring water and snacks, as things tend to run late. And make sure you talk to a lot of people – it makes it more fun and you may meet future business partners.

So the TV producer who tried to blackmail Letterman about his affairs admitted to it publicly, presumably as a plea-bargain to prevent a worse sentence. He read his girlfriend’s diary, found out she was screwing around with Letterman, and turned into a jealous, blackmailing dumbass. To counteract this, Letterman admitted to sleeping with many women who worked for him.

The interesting part about all of this is that everyone seems to be on Letterman’s side. From a legal standpoint, they should be – Jealous Dumbass committed a serious crime by trying to extort money out of Letterman, and he proved to everyone that he can’t man up and see the truth: that he might want to reconsider the company he keeps. That kind of jealousy only comes from people with really low self-esteem.

But from a moral standpoint, doesn’t anyone care that Letterman had affairs with so many he worked with? He was cheating on his partner and sleeping with people who worked for him – how much sleazier can you get? At least Tiger Woods’ affairs weren’t with his employees. Apparently Letterman’s honest admission did the trick – his show hasn’t lost fans due to this incident. “He’s only human,” people say. Perhaps this turn of events shows us that people hate dishonesty more than they hate bad behavior such as cheating and sleeping with subordinates. It’s as if you are better off admitting what kind of person you are, no matter how imperfect, than trying to pass yourself off as someone else.

Producer admits to attempted Letterman shakedown – Yahoo News.

Let’s apply this to dating for a moment. In It’s Not Him, It’s You, I talk a bit about deception in online dating. In their profiles, many people don’t present who they really are, but what they think others will like. And what happens? Their dates get pissed off when they find out the truth. We hate deceptive people – because they lie to us, but also because they lie to themselves, and that engenders our lack of respect.

This Letterman incident also shows that people hate blackmail and other forms of coercion more than they hate sexual stupidity. This dude made himself look like a bigger jerk than Letterman did, and that’s in Letterman’s favor.

Go grab the April 2010 issue of Cosmo and turn to page 122. You’ll see Mina Azodi’s great article entitled “Be the Girl Every Guy Wants to Talk To,” which I am quoted in. The thrust of the article? Throw away the idea that you should be polite, clam up, and let men do the talking. How can he get interested in you if he doesn’t know what makes you unique?

Last weekend, I was at a writers conference having lunch with a great guy named Brian. Brian knows I write dating and relationship books (www.christiehartman.com), and so I asked him a question I often ask men: what is one thing women do, when you meet them or first start dating them, that really bothers you? For Brian, it was when a woman doesn’t express her preferences or opinions, and makes the date all about him.

The take-home message? Men want you to share who you are – it takes the pressure off him and gives him a good idea of who you are. This doesn’t mean you should blather on about yourself; just be sure to share the conversation, express opinions about things that matter to you, and show a man that you have a mind of your own.

I called it, did I not? She got it, and how great is that? If the director for Precious would have won, he would have been the first African American to win an Oscar for Best Director. The movie business is changing, and that’s a good thing.

And The Hurt Locker got Best Picture over Avatar. Avatar got what many bet it would – awards for visual effects and those things that made it stand out above everything else. Star Trek won for makeup – well-deserved too, as anyone who’s watched Star Trek over the years (as I have) knows how much skill goes into making humans look Vulcan, Klingon, etc. Overall, it’s good to see sci-fi movies even get nominated for an Oscar. I LOVE sci-fi and wish more there was more GOOD sci-fi out there.

On the news, someone reported that scientists have shown evidence that sense of direction, and particularly a poor sense of direction and propensity to get lost, has a genetic component. This isn’t too hard to believe – some people seem to know which way is north no matter what dark tunnel they’re in, whereas other people, including very bright people, get lost easily.

As someone who was trained in behavioral genetics, I know something about the genetic aspects of behavior. The truth is, most behavioral traits and human abilities (and disabilities) have some genetic component to them. This is true for shyness, math ability, how fast you can run, and most everything else. However, this does NOT mean you cannot change or improve your abilities, or that the one’s environment doesn’t matter – on the contrary. Environment plays a big role in our behavior. But we all have certain tendencies, some better, some worse, and it’s up to us to make the most of the good ones and do our best to improve those that aren’t so great.

So I was staying in a hotel, getting ready to go to sleep, and flipping channels like crazy. Turns out this hotel had something I do not: Showtime. I stumbled upon Secret Diary of a Call Girl (http://www.sho.com/site/secretdiary/home.do). It’s got the slick fashion sense and sexual raciness of Sex and the City, but it’s British. AND it’s about a woman who makes a damned good living having sex with men, and who tries to have a relationship with a guy who doesn’t care about the fact that she’s been with a LOT of men (over a 1000, which she told him). Did I not mention it was racy?

Why don’t I have Showtime?

Anyone watch The Marriage Ref the other night? If you’ve never seen it, a host and a few celebrities listen to a real married couple’s problem and then vote on who’s at fault. This time it was husband complaining about wife flossing in bed. The panel included Jerry Seinfeld, Tina Fey, and Eva Longoria, and all 3 took the husband’s side on this one.

Uh, yeah. There is such a thing as getting too comfortable. Flossing is kind of icky and should be done in the bathroom. If it grosses your partner out, don’t do it in front of them. And bedroom should be a sanctuary for a couple, not a place to take care of personal hygiene.

Overall, regardless of your beliefs about things, here’s a good rule of thumb in long-term relationships and marriage: don’t make your own bad habits more important than your spouse’s feelings. If something bothers your partner or grosses them out, STOP DOING IT.

I haven’t watched the Oscars in years, but I admit I’m going to this year. I’m curious to see how a movie like top-grossing-of-all-time Avatar will do – it’s cutting edge and great in some ways, but less so in others. I’m also curious to see who wins Best Director – it’s very likely a woman could win for the first time EVER, and she’s up against ex-hubby James Cameron (for Avatar, no less). And of course, there’s Best Picture – it’s always interesting to see the battle between the low-budget critics’ faves (e.g. The Hurt Locker) and the popular big blockbusters (Avatar). And this year the Academy has changed a few things for 2010. The Best Picture category now has 10 possible movies, which provides recognition for more good films. And, and they’ve changed how they tally the votes. I’ll spare you the complexities: in summary, typically each voter simply picks their one winner for each category. This year, for the Best Picture category only, the Top 10 movies are ranked by each voter. This way, a movie can win Best Picture even though it wasn’t the favorite for the majority of voters. This could make Avatar the Best Picture winner.

My predictions:

Best Picture: Avatar. It will pick up a few special effects or related awards, but not actor or director.

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker.

Come back tomorrow for my Post-award take…