I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on a popular topic: why women like some men more than others. In particular, why are some women attracted to jerks, bad boys, and other undesirable men? Why aren’t they attracted to nice guys? Of course, not all women are attracted to jerks and plenty of good men manage to find women, but let’s face it: there isn’t a woman out there who hasn’t overlooked a good, solid guy in order to date some dumbass who drinks too much or can’t keep it in his pants.

I could write on this topic for days – so I will focus on one aspect of this issue: whether we have any control over our attractions.

Do We Have Control Over How We Feel?

When shrinks, coaches, dating book authors, and other experts tell women to avoid dating jerks, bad boys, and other undesirables, I guarantee there will be at least one woman who rebels and says: “I can’t help how I feel!” I’ve heard several other variants on this theme, including:

• “You can’t help who you’re attracted to!”
• “I want what I want.”
• And the doozy of them all, “You can’t help who you fall in love with!”

To steal from Barack Obama, my answer to this is a resounding, “YES YOU CAN!”

You Have More Control Than You Think

Alright, I’ll be the first to admit it: you can’t completely control how you feel. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just turn off your feelings with the ease of turning off a light switch, or even just dial them down a bit like you would the dimmer in your dining room? But you have a lot more control over your feelings than you think. Many people tend to think that feelings lead to behavior – e.g. I feel lazy, so I’ll lie down. But it works in the reverse as well; behavior leads to feelings, just like getting up and exercising will change your feeling lazy to feeling energized. The same works with feelings of attraction. I’ll give you an example:

I once dated a guy who was kind of an asshole. I didn’t date him long, but I gave him three strikes when he really deserved only one.  Did I stop dating him because I lost interest in him? No. Did I stop dating him because I ceased having feelings for him? No. Did I stop dating him because I was no longer attracted to him? No! I dumped him DESPITE my feelings for him, because he was a jerk and I don’t waste my time with jerks.

But then an interesting thing happened. Once I cut him out of my life, my feelings changed: I lost interest in him, and my attraction to him went away and never returned. Once I changed my behavior, my feelings followed suit.

Don’t be a slave to your feelings or attractions. Feelings and attractions can mean many things, and there’s no reason to let them rule you. If you see that a guy is a jerk or that he isn’t what you’re looking for, give him the boot and let your feelings reset.

What If I’m Not Attracted To Nice Guys?

Many women aren’t attracted to the very guys they really want deep down – you know, the good guys who would actually make good husbands and fathers. Again, give your feelings a chance to catch up to your behavior. If you meet a good guy but aren’t sure you’re attracted, get to know him a bit. Go do fun things with him. Sometimes you’ll find that attraction to good guys takes time. And if you don’t develop feelings for him, no worries – make your feelings clear and keep him as a friend.

*Photo from freedigitalphotos.net, Photographer: graur codrin

If you struggle with ideas for ways to meet men (the phrase “the bar scene” should be stricken from your vocabulary), and find yourself tired of the countless annoyances that come with online dating (divorced 40-year-old guy with four kids wants to date a 25-year-old??), I may have the solution for you:

Go out with another woman and do fun things!

I wrote an article for SocialJane.com about this very issue, and I discuss many ways for two fun women to meet men without all the pressures of dating.

If you’ve never heard of SocialJane.com, it’s a social networking site for women. It’s a membership-based service that allows women who have recently moved, divorced, or otherwise found themselves without female companionship to meet new friends.

What’s worked for you in terms of meeting new men? Personally, I’ve found that athletic or outdoors groups – hiking, running, cycling groups, etc – are a gold mine for meeting men. The bonus of these groups is that they get you outside and keep you in great shape too!!

Most of you know I talk a lot about standards – in my blog, in my articles, and in my book, It’s Not Him, It’s YOU. But it isn’t just me – what women want in a man (and in a relationship), and what they do NOT want, is a VERY hot topic among dating experts right now. Several books have tackled this topic recently – why? Because there’s a large number of disillusioned single women out there. There are the women who, at 44, have found themselves without the husband and kids they expected they’d have. There are the women who are divorced after a bad marriage to Mr. Perfect, who turned out to be an asshole. These women seek out the help of a dating coach and find that the problem isn’t their dating skills or knowing where to meet men; the problem is that their standards need to change.

Too Picky

This is a hard pill  for some women to swallow. But note that I said “change” your standards, not “lower” them. Some people don’t know the difference. You can’t get everything you want in a man – but you can get what you NEED, what’s important. The trick is knowing what you need and what you can compromise on. Many women, unfortunately, don’t.

What am I talking about here? I’m talking about women who, in the hopes of finding their ideal partner, and out of fear of settling or winding up with the wrong partner, have picky standards. They focus first on height, age, income, education, style, looks, and status. Then they focus on common interests and weak indicators of his personality – for example, a woman sees a man riding a motorcycle online and assumes he’s trouble, or sees he’s wearing Birkenstocks and assumes he’s totally granola, or finds that he reads magazines and assumes he’s intellectually deficient. Each and every pet peeve becomes a requirement, and thus an excuse to rule a guy out. And if you ask these kinds of women why they’re so picky, they’ll often say ” I refuse to settle!” But guess what? They’ve already settled!

They’ve settled for a life alone.

What does “I refuse to settle!” really mean?

When a woman says “I refuse to settle,” what she’s really saying is “I refuse to give up my fantasy.” Some women have an idea, expectations if you will, of what the “right guy” will look like, talk like, dress like, live like. However, the one thing that happily married people say is that the right person for them turned out to be nothing like they’d pictured. Settling is marrying a guy who isn’t a good partner or doesn’t treat you right. Being realistic means letting go of the fantasy – it won’t bring you happiness.

If you want a partner, especially one who you’ll be content and happy with over the long haul, stop focusing on the little, petty things, no matter how annoying they may seem. Stop screening out men based on height, income, education, and hobbies, and focus on what kind of person he is, his values, how he makes you feel when you’re with him, and how he treats you. Many women eventually learn this lesson – but why wait until you’ve passed up your best childbearing years or until you’ve gone through a couple of tough divorces?

If you’re single, free yourself of the fantasy and look for a quality man who shares your values, who loves you and treats you great, and who you love to be with.

There isn’t a dating expert in the world who doesn’t have an opinion on when a woman should start having sex with a guy she’s dating. I’ve heard it all, from “as soon as possible so you know if it’s any good,” to the Third Date Rule, to waiting until the relationship is committed (i.e. not dating anyone else). My stance has always been that you should ignore others’ rules and have sex when you feel comfortable and ready to.

You’ll find there are plenty of women, including experts, who wag their fingers at having sex too soon, as if sex is some kind of commodity you “give up” to a guy, rather than something you choose to share. “If you have sex on the first date,” they threaten, “he won’t respect you.” They will often blame you for getting dumped or winding up with a jerk – “See, it’s because you had sex too soon!” This is Bullshit. It’s a fear-based mentality pushed by women who aren’t comfortable with their sexuality and who don’t understand men. NO woman should ever have to be made to feel bad for having sex, even if the sex wasn’t wise.

However, having said all of that, I think it’s best to wait a while before having sex, for an entirely different reason. What is this reason? It is NOT:

• Because you’ll look slutty (Slutty is sleeping with anyone, not sleeping with someone you like on the first date)
• Because he’ll lose respect for you (Respect is something you have for yourself, not something others can give you)
• Because the chase is over and he lost interest (The chase will soon be over anyway if you keep seeing him)
• Because it’s like eating dessert before dinner (Some people like to do things backwards)

The real reason I recommend slowing it down a bit has less to do with sex and more to do with emotions. Having sex very quickly can force a budding relationship to move faster than many people can handle. People like to think “it’s just sex,” but studies show that sex has a strong effect on our hormones, brains, and emotions. This isn’t just true for women – men are sensitive to this too. Once you’ve had sex, you release hormones that make you more inclined to “bond” with your partner, but the relationship may not be ready yet because you’re still getting to know this person! In other words, rapid physical intimacy can lead to rushing into emotional intimacy. And this is when things go awry.

When a relationship gets intense right away, couples tend to spend way too much time together and share too much too soon. This tends to freak people out, especially men. The more freaked out he feels, the more likely he is to withdraw, disappear, or suddenly claim he isn’t ready for a relationship, when he seemed ready before! As one wise man I know put it, “If you have sex with her right away, you feel pressured to say or act like you love her.”

I’ve seen people who follow this pattern: they’re often passionate romantic types who meet someone with whom they feel strong chemistry, get involved very quickly, start having sex and spending a lot of time together right away, then the relationship blows up after a month or two, often because one person (usually the guy), does a 180 and withdraws.

So if you’ve followed this pattern, like many before you, consider waiting a while to have sex. Back off of spending too much time together or telling your life story right away. Getting involved quickly works for some people, but for most it ends up a disaster.

What do you think? Are you a “jump in right away” kind of person? Has it worked for you?

I just published the first of a new series of articles, called “Dating and Divorce.” I want to devote some writing time to discussing some of the challenges of dating after divorce and/or dating people who’ve been divorced. The first article is called:

Dating and Divorce: The Challenges and Rewards of Dating Someone Who’s Been Divorced

Divorce is a touchy subject for many and people often have negative associations with it, so it’s important to highlight the benefits of divorce and dating someone divorced instead of only warning people about the possible risks. Enjoy, and feel free to leave comments here about your opinions and experiences with dating and divorce!

Last spring, I did a LOT of radio interviews to promote the new book, It’s Not Him, It’s YOU. As you know, it’s a dating book that discusses women’s Top 10 Dating Mistakes. Well, one of the radio hosts thanked me after our interview and said, “I know dating isn’t a heavy-hitting topic like the environment, but that was a good interview.” Although he was paying me a compliment, his comment about dating being somehow a less important topic than environmental issues stuck with me.

Is Dating a Lightweight Topic?

For some reason, people tend to treat the topic of dating like it’s fun, amusing, or lightweight. Many books on the topic are silly and entertaining (and weak), TV and radio hosts who deal with “serious” topics overlook it, and the more in-depth books written by psychologists or other experts tend to focus on marriage. I completely disagree with this and would argue that dating is very serious business. Here’s why:

1) Dating is hard. It brings out our biggest weaknesses, insecurities, and doubts about ourselves. Meeting new people and going out on a first or second date with someone is very challenging, even painful for a LOT of people. Rejection is a constant possibility. Many people lack dating skills and it’s a source of frustration for all. In fact, most people will hide out in a so-so relationship, a bad marriage, or at home with video games or a pint of ice cream, rather than face the difficulties of dating.

2) Dating is what we do, ultimately, to find the person we want to spend our lives with. Call me crazy, but what is lightweight about that?? Who we choose to commit to, marry, and/or bear children with is the MOST IMPORTANT decision we will EVER make. That decision will affect our lives more than any other on a daily basis – a good partner can make your life much better, and a bad one can make your life hell. And how do we find that person? You guessed it: by dating! The better dating skills you have, the more likely you’ll make a good decision.

Don’t let anyone tell you dating is no big deal or that it should be easy. The people who do this are usually in long-term relationships, and they’ve conveniently forgotten what it’s like! Dating is a skill, and like any other skill, you will get good at it with practice. It’s a skill worth investing in because it will not only make dating easier, it will draw you to that right person to spend your life with. And in my humble opinion, there is NOTHING more important than that.

Any time I get together with a crowd of women and discuss men and dating, particularly if the women are educated professionals, inevitably there will be one woman who asks this question: Why are men threatened by strong, successful women?

You’ve heard the stories from other women: the guy who had a problem because his girlfriend out-earned him, the guy who ignored your power-suited, successful self to chase after the bimbo in the short skirt, the guy who got offended because you stated your opinion about the BP oil spill. What’s the deal? Are guys really threatened by successful women? Do they really prefer a submissive girl with fewer accomplishments so they can feel like the “man”? Are their egos that fragile? Some would say yes. But I say NO.

What is a strong, successful, confident woman?

This woman is smart. She’s hardworking. She believes in herself. She is educated or is accomplished in her field in some other way. She earns her own money, pays her bills, and has a retirement account. And guess what? Men love these kinds of women! Why? Because men want a woman they admire, who they respect, just like we want men we respect. And successful women make good partners, especially over the long term, because they contribute financially and in other ways.

So what’s the problem? As I discuss in It’s Not Him, It’s YOU, the problem is that some women define “strong and successful” differently. These women are often overly assertive, pushy, and competitive. In short, they’re too masculine. Guys don’t want masculine. Also, these women are often emotionally shut down and totally cut off from their more loving or caring side, possibly due to having worked in male-oriented occupations for so long, or even due to a troubled childhood. Men, deep down, want to be loved and cared for, and a prickly woman with masculine energy isn’t his best bet.

Men like success and confidence, but they want to feel valued, respected, and cared for. Obnoxious, hard, pushy women don’t give them that. They may succeed in business, but they fail with men. Remember, confidence doesn’t mean being arrogant and a know-it-all; it means you believe in yourself and value yourself.

If you’re a successful woman, or even just a woman with a strong personality, here are a few dating tips:

• Dress more feminine. Avoid wearing suits, boxy jackets, or anything too masculine. Wear more dresses, skirts, or feminine tops. If you aren’t the frilly type (I know I’m not!), be sure to wear just one feminine item, especially if your hair is short.
• Put your Crackberry/phone away. This is just good manners, and your work can wait.
• Don’t jump in to tell him all about your Ivy league education or your power career. Talk about other things first, and eventually mention your career. If you find he’s less accomplished than you, find what’s admirable about what he’s doing and show that you’re impressed.
• Be humble, not arrogant. Your accomplishments are great, but they don’t make you better than anyone else.
• If you have a take-charge personality, you don’t have to change, just tone it down a bit and consider what your date wants to eat or talk about. Let him take charge now and again.
• If you get into a debate, don’t try to win. Stick to your guns about your stance, but don’t insult his or try to convince him he’s wrong.

Yes, there are some men who will be threatened by a successful woman or a woman who is smarter or makes more money. They’re insecure and that’s their problem – move on. But you’ll find that most men like successful women. You could be Queen of the World, but if you make a man feel valued and like he has something to offer you, he’ll stick around.

Tell me what you think: Do successful women have it tough? Have you had problems with this issue?

Anyone who has ever dated online knows that deception is common. In the hopes of attracting as many opportunities as possible, many people will leave out key information or offer up misleading information. It’s so common that you should expect it, regardless of which dating site you subscribe to.

Common Types of Deception

Here are the more common forms of deception you will encounter when online dating:

• Men often exaggerate their height, knowing that women have height requirements. A guy who is 5′8″ might say he’s 5′9″ or 5′10″.
• Women often exaggerate their body type, knowing that men have weight requirements. A heavy-set woman might choose the “about average” category.
• People will label themselves “divorced” when they are not yet divorced, but actually separated. They know most people don’t want to date someone who is separated.
• Men may exaggerate their income.
• Both men and women will post pictures that are from the past, showing themselves as younger, thinner, or with more hair.

There are other ways of being deceptive. Married men will troll for women and not admit they’re married. I once went out with a guy who said he didn’t have children; at that time I wasn’t dating men with kids, and indicated that in my profile. Thirty minutes into our first beer, he admitted to having a child and didn’t like to admit it online because he felt “too many women were shallow.” I know a woman who looked young for her age and thus lied about her age online. Both of these people had some pretty bad luck dating online, and I quickly realized why. Nobody wants to be deceived. And going in with a bad attitude will only attract the wrong people to you.

Why Deception?

There is one basic reason why people deceive in all the above ways: they want so badly to be found attractive, to be wanted by the other sex, and don’t feel they’re good enough the way they are. Unfortunately, they don’t realize that their insecurity and attempts to hide their perceived liabilities is actually even more unattractive than the the thing they’re trying to hide! People can see the truth!

What’s interesting is that many deceivers feel they’re just “playing the game,” knowing that some people may “forgive” deception if they like something else about you. In actuality, this probably won’t happen, but it does bring up a good point: many online daters are willing to date beyond the arbitrary height and weight cutoffs they choose for themselves. Studies have shown that what people say they want online isn’t what they necessarily require once they meet someone they find attractive, and most people aren’t as picky in real life as they are online (see my post on this topic!).

I’m all for salesmanship and putting your best foot forward. If deception shows insecurity, so does a person who makes no effort, who posts crappy photos and throws down a bunch of junk in their “about me” section in the expectation that people should “like me for who I am.” Make no mistake – no one will get to know who you really are if they don’t like what they see up front.

How to Sell Yourself

Instead of lying or being deceptive, show yourself in a light that will make people want to know you more. I’ve written several posts on this, but to sum up: you need a good picture, first and foremost. Make it recent and make it look like you look everyday, but make it GOOD. You can slightly exaggerate: if you’re 5′8 1/2″ you can round up to 5′9.” Post a well-written profile filled with interesting details about your life. Sound friendly, upbeat, interested. Trust me: if you write a good profile, your “liabilities” will not get in your way. Have a dating coach help you write it, if necessary. Finally, loosen up your criteria: lose the strict height, weight, or age criteria and start looking for people who seem interesting; when you’re less rigid, you’ll attract others who have the same positive attitude.

While it’s perfectly natural to show your best assets when dating online, deception is bad idea and only makes you look insecure about yourself. Take a good look at yourself, show some pride, and put some effort into offering yourself to the world. Not everyone will think you’re awesome – who cares? You’re only looking for ONE right person.

Yes, rejection sucks. There are so many ways to get rejected:

• He stops calling
• She doesn’t return your calls
• She says no when you ask her out
• He doesn’t want to stop seeing other women
• She goes back to her ex-boyfriend
• He cheats on you
• She says she wants to “just be friends”

You get the picture. Rejection isn’t fun, but if you’re dating, rejection is unavoidable. If you look at rejection the right way, it can even be a good thing.  But most people let rejection throw off their game.

I’ve written a brand new article on the DOs and DON’Ts of handling rejection. What do you find most annoying about rejection. What are some ways you’ve learned to cope with it?

This is my fourth segment on the trials and tribulations of online dating. The first was about how to approach the online experience, the second was on selecting your criteria, and the third was on how to make an interesting profile. This one will discuss the thing that people will see first, the thing that will determine whether or not they even read about your love of mountain biking or your travels to India: your PHOTO.

Most Photos Suck

If you get on your standard dating site and sift through the  photos, most of them aren’t that great, are they? It’s hard to even want to read the profile of someone who has cropped their ex out of their photo. Come on – how hard is it to get a friend and a digital camera, for crying out loud? There are literally thousands of photos in any given online search – if you want to increase the number of people who check out your profile and contact you, then you need a decent photo.

Tips for Online Photos

These tips apply to your main photo, which should be a head shot. You have more flexibility with your other photos. 

• Think quality. DO NOT use  a photo that’s blurry, has poor lighting, or that has red-eye. You won’t look good.
• Focus on YOU. Don’t use a photo that has you standing next to someone (probably your ex) who you have cropped out. And no photos with your friends, your dog, or your kids either.
• Keep them current. Don’t even think of using old photos or photos that don’t look like the current you. If you’ve aged, gained weight, or even cut or colored your hair differently, show people the new you. Don’t think they’ll overlook your deception once they see how cool you really are – they won’t! You’ll just seem insecure and, well, deceptive!
• Don’t dig through old photos. Yes, it’s OKAY for you to take photos for the sole purpose of using them for online dating! Old photos rarely have the right qualities for online use.
• For women: Wear color, avoid masculine or business clothing, and smile warmly while looking at the camera. Wear something pretty but NOT slutty or revealing.
• For men: Keep your shirt ON and your sunglasses OFF. Wear a decent shirt: a good-fitting tee or a button-down. No faded, poor-fitting, or junky-looking shirts (same rule goes for dates).

If you choose to use more photos, and you should, have some that show your entire body and that show you doing things you enjoy.

Remember: Online dating is like anything – the more effort you put in, the better your results. The photo is the first thing people see – a decent photo will stand out and will give potential dates a reason to want to know more about you.