Unless you’re 18 or haven’t been getting out much, you have an ex. If you’re like many of my clients, you have an ex-spouse, which, let’s face it, is like an ex to the third power. And chances are, you have at least one ex you don’t like or who did things he or she shouldn’t have. Maybe you’ve been lied to, cheated on, talked down to, criticized, dumped, or just misunderstood. And that sucks. But no matter how much it sucks, don’t even think about badmouthing your ex.
If you’ve read any of my stuff (Dating the Divorced Man, Changing Your Game), you know that I frown upon talking about one’s ex when on a date or in a relationship. But there are times when it’s useful, even necessary, to share a bit about your past and history. And when you do, be careful of what you say.
In all of the interviews I’ve done and all of the people I’ve talked with, I’ve noticed a pattern. The people with the rottenest, lousiest exes weren’t the ones badmouthing them. They never said how stupid, sick, disturbed, or lame their exes were. And I also noticed that the people saying the meanest things and being the most critical of their exes didn’t really have exes that were all that bad – more often, it was simply a mismatch or a case of “she dumped me so I’m going to tell the world how stupid she is.”
What Badmouthing Your Ex REALLY Says
When you badmouth an ex, it doesn’t reflect on him or her, it reflects on YOU. When people trash their exes, they think they’re conveying:
“I want people to know what my ex is like, what I’ve been through, that I deserve compassion.”
But what they actually convey is:
“My ex hurt me and I’m STILL pissed off about it, and I’m going to badmouth YOU if you hurt me too.”
Is that what you wanted to say? I didn’t think so. When you trash an ex, your date will wonder if you aren’t over him/her. They’ll wonder why you put up with someone so stupid/mean/abusive. They’ll wonder if you’ll say the same things about them.
How to Talk About Your Ex
This doesn’t mean you have to lie or say good things about your ex if there aren’t good things to say. It means you need to deal with the past, and then focus on reporting the facts rather than being mean. For example:
Say: “My ex is not the nicest guy, unfortunately” rather than “My ex is an asshole.”
Say: “I wish my ex-wife and I got along better” rather than “She’s spoiled and living off my money.”
Say: “We weren’t a good match” rather than “He had the IQ of a pigeon.”
Yeah, from time to time we all let one slip about an ex we dislike. But it should be the exception, not the rule. You can’t play the game of love and not get hurt from time to time. Grieve, learn from it, and move on.
What’s the meanest thing you’ve heard a date say about an ex?
Mine is:
“I don’t know why my ex was always so tired from work. I manage lots of people; she scrapes teeth for a living.” (His ex was a dental hygienist)
Resources
Christine, I have at least two ex boyfriends who trashed their exes in a big way – and always talked about them. Guess what? They were both still in love with their exes and were sore about being dumped. I have learned that it’s a big “red flag” when I hear badmouthing like that.
I meant Christie 🙂
Hi Christie:
Yes, I have had my share of first dates where the man badmouthes his former wife and I never go on another date with them – it’s bad form and I have found they never got over their former and that’s why they still talk about them!
I also attempted to date someone who always had a negative word for their former wife – and finally after two months, realized that this wasn’t going to stop and I didn’t want to be with someone who was so obsessed with another woman. Two years down the road, he called me again and was still the same!
It makes me wonder where the healthy men are! Fortunately I am persistent.
Hi Christie,
I usually go straight to your blog site but the other day some how I ended up on your webpage. It looks great. I didn’t realize you had one.
I am just about to start posting my own blogs. I’ll let you know when I do.
Hope all is well with you.
Regards,
Kyla
Thanks everyone for your comments. You all bring up a great point – badmouthing the ex isn’t just rude, it’s a way of saying “hey, I’m still crying over my ex!” Sexy.
Same here! All men who I’ve dated who have badmouthed their ex have
only shown bitterness and holding-onto the past relationship, which has always brought problems into ours. So, no more of that! I learned the hard way, but am wiser now.
And as for me- I almost cringe when sharing some of my ex stories, but unfortunately a “warning” is sometimes appropriate. I am grateful for the many warnings I recieved about a man who was a player, and I wish more women would have spoken up about another one I dated- who did cheat on me and hurt me, and potentially exposed me to STDs.
Thanks for the wonderful emails, I enjoy them!
childish i think … when you get tired on trying i think we all have to move on, and cry and scream if its necessary jejeje but alone … i think that yes you have to do whatever is in your hands to make things work … but if even though things dont change … well then time to let go … and accept adapt and take some actions … for your own … get bussy and let time be the one who heals does bad moments… accept the fact that the goods existed that for some reason you took the chance and took a risk … and be grateful to share a time and a moment… and be responsable of your actions, sometimes we blame the other part not analizing what we did wrong … learn from that and let it go… you cant punish your self forever… but yes next time think before making a decision and the consequences … i think badmouth about your ex is badmouthing about your self … why dont we accept that theres was time when we wanted to workout things and @ the end … we did not wanted workout things … cause in every kind of relation friends family a partner you have negotiate and when this does not happend … well i think there is no interest in the other part … dont be bad to your EX… live and let live and i think that when you get ready you’ll get surprised what life has got for you … please forgive and forget the bad … treasure the good and be thankful that it happend….
On the other hand…when someone refuses to speak about their exes, does this still signify a problem in your opinion?
If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. I would say that a guy who says nothing has good self control.
Mikki,
Generally, a guy who refuses to talk about his exes is a good thing. Yes, it could mean he harbors some bad feelings about them, but guys who talk about their exes could also harbor bad feelings. You have to rely on other signs to see if he’s dealt with the past.
thanks everyone. I have been sick from hearing how my ex (who has done terrible things to me), is also telling lies about me to anyone who will listen, now i know why!..his loss
My ex acts like he is perfect around everyone and is extremely passive aggressive. I wish ANYONE would have warned me about the mess I was about to step in when I married him. Love is truly blind.
I tried not to sound bitter (but did so anyway) in a group conversation with strangers one evening at a joint function for our daughter. Someone commented that it was so nice that we got along and are together for our child. I said “Yes, however, I called him 5 times on his cellphone (he didn’t pick it up) so that I could join up with our child. (It took me 20 minutes to find them.) Trust me, he isn’t a nice guy, it is all an act”. I want to nicely warn anybody to stay away from him if they value their self esteem, sanity, and freedom. We were together over two decades.
I know what you mean FIRST hand!
I was puzzle on why I dump a guy who always talk bad about his ex wife. So, that’s the reason.
I mutually ended a relationship with an ex and we agreed to be friends. After I met someone new he stopped talking to me. Two years later I found him on FB and wanted to see how he was. I only messaged him because I was still under the impression that we were friends. How wrong I was. He didn’t reply, but his new girlfriend did, who couldn’t understand how anyone would want to be near me, then went on to call me names and tell me “why I lost a good man.”
I was confused and hurt by this because I didn’t expect him to turn on me randomly, and tell so many lies. I didn’t say anything negative back, since I don’t know the woman. I found it petty and sad, and ended up just blocking the profile.
Although your advice sounds politically correct I personally don’t buy it. My ex wife lied, cheated, extorted, manipulated and controlled me for 14 years. To top it all off she took an unfounded protection order out on me which I found out from 3 sets of joint friends, 3 days before the police told me. We live in a small town.
Well, I broke, I had enough so in great distress I unloaded the reality of this woman onto 3 sets of joint friends and of course my mates, and you know what…. ALL of them said the same thing which was along the lines of ‘everyone always loved/liked you, but not her and her behaviour and personality had not gone unnoticed.
This was a great relief for me as it was external objective evidence that supported my own experience.
It also showed that despite the falsified protection order people could see through her behaviour.
I have also been asked out by so called joint friends since.
So, in my case your theory is wrong. I’m a good guy who bad mouthed his ex (only saying what was actually true). I felt better for it, feel that my side of the terrible crap she put me through has been expressed and a more fair appraisal of the situation is now in the public domain.
No regrets about bad mouthing my ex wife at all.
My ex and I just broke up after a year. We had a lot of issues but one thing I noticed was he would not stop talking trash about his ex before me. I mentioned to him that it bothered me hearing her name every day regardless if its in a nagative way and he just said “It’s not like I still care about her, she just did a lot of awful things to me and abandoned me”. Then he would make digs at me when we were arguing saying that I am just like Vanessa (the ex) and on some occasions would say “ok vanessa” to upset me. Then once we had gotten into this rediculous fight and “broke up” he started talking to Vanessa and was talking bad about me to her and acting like he wanted to get back with her. Now that we are officially broken up and I am not taking him back he is talking badly about me on facebook.
hye Christie,
i have a gilfriend which i love her so much. we had a fight and she curse me in a manner that i cant take it. at that point of time, i sincerely thought that we are over. am so sad and in great despair. so i went to talk about what she had said to me and my feeling during that time. am even said that she only need me when shes in trouble. i thought i will be more relieved after that but am not. later on, we back into the normal condition but am totally forgot to delete my message with my friend. she found out and we are history now. it is a lesson learned for me. in what ever situation, just dont tell others about ur gf or what so ever. am live in regret now…just wish that i can read this article much earlier
Somewhat off this topic, but what about sharing self help topics/books/columns with your date? I know we should be spending most of our time in the moment having fun and being light natured but I want to make sure that this prospect is working on herself and has a high relationship IQ. I guess the best way is to find out organically but I still like to share writings that speak to me.
Also, I recently met someone who said about her divorce that it just didn’t work and that concerned me because we should try like hell to make a marriage work before throwing in the divorce towel. If she so casually gave up, then I’m not interested in her. A marriage SHOULD be terrible to justify divorce (if kids are involved).
So many nuances.
Christy,
While I agree that badmouthing your ex is bad form, I disagree with you in some regards. You imply that all people who badmouth their exes are culprits and that their exes are likely nice people. Some people have endured and withheld a lot of grief throughout the relationship and the act of “badmouthing” is a way to finally release everything that was held back to keep the peace. Your view is dangerously essentialist, and I would expect better from an expert holding a PhD. Be careful – you’re supposed to support people, not judge them. Wow. Very bad form.
My question is, why would my ex try to create problems now that I am moving on…He had four months to do right but he insisted it was over. I respected that and just recently started dating again…when he found out I was dating, he text me and started talking negative about my friend. …
The worst thing I ever said about an ex was “She slept with my best friend, then dumped me to f*** 4 others”
That wasn’t really badmouthing so much as it was stating facts.
My most recent ex……… Has tested my limits of keeping my negative thoughts to myself………. It becomes difficult to describe her without making her seem like a horrible person.
It still is…. Even in spite no contact over 2 months, only broken to try and bury the hatchet for her to spite me 3 months after the break up……
It’s dumb. I know people cope in different ways. But my question is, at what point is it badmouthing vs telling it like it is.
I’m getting kind of fed up for being called a liar, manipulative, controlling, and all this shit I was very much put through….. And abandoned in advent of the fact that I pointed these things out in hopes she would be a bit more empathetic than saying “I understand but it’s different” and thinking hugs and kisses would have fixed the problems she created with her abusive actions.
Ever since, it’s been me withdrawing and doing everything I can to get over it. As well, trying to do things where in spite running into her, I wish not to make things I no longer enjoy.
And her from the very start running to every male friend I had introduced her to, trying to make me jealous, talking badly about me constantly on facebook, liking all this stuff playing victim when I never really did anything to harm her. Just told her the truth, and took a break to evaluate where things were headed after a month of one-sided attempts at resolution and compromise. And getting dumped over a batch of cookies lol
I have been divorced for 4 years and have 2 kids by him he refuses contact with both me and the kids mind you I’m not the crazy baby momma type I have always held the door open for him to have contact with the kids never have asked for money for kids I just do everything independently
He begged me to come back up until his new girlfriend got pregnant and now that his new relationship is falling apart they are blaming their problems on me saying I’m the problem when I have had zero contact in over six months and all contact has always been him calling me she has been sending me messages saying mean hateful things that he is saying about me mind you every bit of it is lies he is telling when I asked him why he was lieing on me he couldn’t give a reason ….I’m just wondering why he would be doing this after 4 years
I dated a guy off and on for 4 years and the first very hostile one sided break up that we had, After a few months went by I don’t really know the reason why but I had made a fake account on fb so that I can talk to him. I don’t do this anymore but from doing this I got insight on what kind of person he actually is. I created this account, sent him a message and went back a few days later or the next day to find he responded. After the first day of talking to him, he started to bad mouth about me as a person, as a girlfriend, my lifestyle, friends of mine he’s never met. for 3 or 4 days he never voiced ONE good thing that I ever did for him. On the receiving end it was really hurtful and depressing because this was a guy who I pursued and was in love with and whom I thought liked me back. Who appreciated what I tried to do for him. but in the end it wasn’t that at all. I feel if all you do is talk trash about your exes if they weren’t terrible towards you then you should just keep your mouth closed, because your only making yourself look bad and no one wants to date a two faced person.
This is an old article but the comments are still coming in & I noticed some people do not read with comprehension. A lot of comments are defensive for the people who bad mouth their exes. One man commented that his ex wife put him through 14 yrs of hell- She did not, he put himself through hell for 14 yrs by putting up with that behavior. No one gets credit for not loving themselves enough to leave a bad situation. This article was simple if you have nothing nice to say about your ex don’t say it to a new romantic prospect or if you do say something be careful of what you say- that’s it. It is not rocket science. I have one ex in particular that did horrible things- criminal acts and I do not speak badly about him & take full responsibility for what I allowed in my life. I have a permanent scar from our relationship and I explain it when the time is right -of course it does not put him in a good light but it is more of me explaining how I got this scar as opposed to me bashing him and saying he is a monster etc. I am over it and thankfully alive and very well. I forgave him a long time ago and only vent when needed with my friends and family NEVER a romantic prospect.
GodivaZane: Yes, you see what it is I was trying to say.
Godiva said “One man commented that his ex wife put him through 14 yrs of hell- She did not, he put himself through hell for 14 yrs by putting up with that behavior. No one gets credit for not loving themselves enough to leave a bad situation.”
Huh???
Rarely is it a simple choice between living in a hell of a marriage and paradise. No, it is frequently a choice between two really bad options. It could be a choice between leaving his kids with their abusive mother while he gets out or staying with this abusive partner to protect his kids from her until he can plan an escape that works for him and his kids. In that case, he is loving his children more than he loves himself. Who would fault that man, Godiva??? (and yes, I was THAT man.)
This business about “loving yourself” seems to have spread like wildfire among the Eat Pray Lovers. What the hell does it mean to “love yourself” anyway? Christie- care to write one on that? I once challenged another blogger about this and she quoted Dr Margaret Paul and I actually liked her response. It’s more about claiming things in respect to yourself but it seems like a lot of people spew the “love yourself” thing as if its meaning is self evident and nobody would dare ask what it means for fear of appearing not to know what it means (and demonstrating that they might not love themselves). Oh, the thought of it….
As far as badmouthing the ex, I believe it’s a matter of degree. We’re human and our exes could be evil incarnate and make our lives miserable. We could share some of that with our partners. Our partners should be there to support us. Our partnership should NOT be all about how awful our exes are/were. But I shouldn’t be afraid to share the terrible things my ex did or is doing. I just shouldn’t be hung up over her. The only thing that matters is that I am available to my current partner, that s/he gets the relationship that they deserve.
I hear what you’re saying, Scott. Yes, the “love yourself” thing predates Eat Pray Love and has almost no meaning anymore (if it ever did). I think I will blog on that one. The point of the article was about badmouthing an ex (bad idea) rather than sharing the bad things an ex did with a trusted partner (healthy if the relationship is ready for that).
Overall, a lot of people fall into 2 camps when it comes to bad exes: 1) it’s not your fault, he/she was an asshole and you should badmouth them, or 2) you shouldn’t blame your ex because you chose to stay in that situation. I.e. blame them or blame yourself. How about, don’t blame? Blame solves nothing. Shithole exes aren’t fun (I’ve had my share too), but we learn key stuff from them. All we can do is learn and move on.